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promises with guarantees... hmm.
August 21, 2005
3:26 am
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Shaney
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Whew! Just had the talk with bf about his addiction, my need to help him and I'm just processing all of the things that were said.
I don't have the time or the mental and emotional energy to write it all down just yet, but I just want to read some positive comments before I go to bed. You always seem to say the right things. I've got some of his comments to me swirling around in my mind but I'm sure the morning will bring a little more clarity. I'll write tomorrow and let you know the outcome. In a nutshell, we both know that we have some things to change and work on, and it's not going to be an easy road. The thing that really bugs me about him is that his number one concern was, "If I change, I just can't see you EVER being that easy-going, happy person. I think it's just in your genes to be a nag." Is he f*ing kidding? There are no guarantees, but I'm living with someone who turns to drugs when they feel overwhelmed.... please. Can he guarantee me that he's going to stop the drugs? Wouldn't it be nice if promises came with a guarantee.... just venting. Ugh.

August 21, 2005
9:20 am
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exoticflower
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"his number one concern was, "If I change, I just can't see you EVER being that easy-going, happy person. I think it's just in your genes to be a nag." "

SOOOOO, his number one concern about his drug addiction was what's wrong with YOU!? AURGH, these kinds of men are so agrivating!!! I think there is a definate guarantee that he isn't interested in taking responsablility for himself here if nothing else, and that is so important in recovery. And how completely abusive to asses you and tell you that inm his professional opinion it's just in your nature to be a nag (ie not good enough, in some way failing). How manipulative a way to shift responsability from HIS drug addiction onto YOU. Blech! NO offense, but this guy sounds like he doesn't have half the respect for you a good partner should, even as you sit here and think about him first through all of your frustrations.

Just venting myself, you know, I HATE when some guys pull this stuff. Please don't take offence, just one flowers opinion here. I think you deserve better, and i think you should be causious with this one! Hugs, ef

August 21, 2005
9:30 am
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exoticflower
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OH, the possitive comment! Sorry!

Well, as I said, I think you deserve better, WORLDS better than being blamed and called a nag in a discussion about someone elses addiction that affects you. Secondly, it is ok for you to have doubts, perfactly natural. Addicts and alcoholics are coming one moment and going the next so often it is hard to have faith in them or trust them. You are not doing anything wrong by being displeased with things the way they are and wanting better from your relationship, or for not trusting that he will get better. All you can do is wait, but there is a chance things will get better, and that has to be good for something, right? And if they don't get better, well then you'll KNOW that and can move on with your life knowing you did try. I think either scenario can be a possitive!

August 21, 2005
11:08 am
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Shaney
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Good point flower! He's a master at turning the focus away from his own probs, and making mine look massive. It's usually more obvious to me, because his manipulations are typically in the heat of a huge fight, rather than a civil discussion (like last night). Wow, I missed that one - thanks for helping
me see that. I have to say, that in this discussion, I was the most honest and forthright than I've ever been. I was was extremely constructive and didn't ball-bust or raise my voice. I was pretty proud of that - I think I'm learning and growing in the midst of all this.

We're going to look at houses today, about 40 miles from here. One thing that we did agree on, that we both feel is imparative - is that we need to eliminate the bad friends, and move toward a healthier life. It's a good start anyway. The desire to change seems to be there for him, I just need to see some action. One step at a time though, I know.

Oh, thanks for your positive spin on things too, flower - it all helps. 🙂

August 22, 2005
12:26 pm
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SexySadie
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Oh boy...does he ever sound like my EX. He's been drinking since before he met me. I cleaned him up...gave him a future and helped him start a business. When things didn't go his way and he got depressed he started drinking again. He said I was nagging all the time. I wasn't nagging, I was giving him direction. He'd see just how far he could push me and I always moved my boundaries back to accomodate him. But not anymore...hell I pushed him straight into the arms of another woman as he claims and now he says I am ruining his life and just trying to make him miserable. Sheesh...give up the bottle of JD and maybe you'll be able to think straight.

August 22, 2005
12:46 pm
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Anonymous
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shaney,

I was happy to hear my BF decided to go to therapy, but got upset cuz he missed the first appt - then realized, it's not my problem.

you guys obviously had some breakthru in communication, but he is still clinging to the "it's your fault" issue more than he should.

you can't guarantee outcomes for either of you. you may go thru therapy and see him in a different light and not want him, same goes for him - I am facing the same scary thought - that therapy may pull me farther from the one I want to work hard to get closer to - but in the end, it's whatever it takes to make ME healthier.

don't worry about his recovery, focus on yours - that's what everyone here told me last week - learn to set your boundaries and focus on you and your needs and let the chips fall.

he *IS* going to say "you screwed up too" - but ony because he is not ready to recover for himself - he is recovering for you - and wants proof you will change for him.

you can't give him that - cuz in the end, you are changing for YOU - and his needs come second. until he gets to the point that he sees he should change cuz it's better for him and in the end for your relationship, then he will get it and stop pointing the finger at you.

I am thankful my partner is accepting his fault and accepting his responsibility and will be working on himself while I work on me - and in the end, hope we get stronger together. your BF still has a few steps to take to get to that point.

stay strong - you guys are heading in the right direction - just remember, if he doesn't change, doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't....do it for YOU.

(((HUGS))))

August 22, 2005
2:06 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks everyone, for sharing and for the encouragement - it means a lot.

I posted my whole story, in a nutshell, on a thread called "finally my story" last week sometime. I'm pretty new to this site and have benefited from reading all of your posts and even replying to them at times.

I truly feel that I'm in the beginning stages of what many of the people here seem to have been going through for some time. I guess what I mean, is that I realize now, what my problem has been for the last five years - it's a new realization, not a new problem. So I'm determined to break this cycle as early as I can - I really can't see going on for years and years if this situation gets a lot worse. Jeez, I'll be 40 this year and I'm hell-bent on living at least 60 more GOOD ONES!

My bf is very intelligent and compassionate and I'm very hopeful that he will turn around - he realizes that he has a lot to lose if he doesn't (good career, relationship, family) - so we'll see. I do know that I can't take on 90% of our life's obligations just to make the way easy and clear for HIS recovery. I know that I have to worry about my own - I've only realized in the last couple of weeks that I even have a codep prob.I take on all of this responsibility, run myself ragged trying to make things easier for everyone else, and then end up bitchy and resentful. I'm a pretty strong person, so I think I can really make some progress once I get my mind around this codep thing. This site really helps, and I've just printed out all of the alanon and coda meetings in the area - my God, there are meetings every day and night, so there's no excuse that I can't attend one.

We ended up having a good weekend, after the big talk - aside from his lame comments about MY problems. We went to church and the message was "Are you the really the person that you pretend to be? - what is your addiction?" We almost passed out when our pastor started his sermon - it was exactly what we both needed to hear.

Anyway - just an update. Today is a beautiful day and I hope you all can find something to be thankful for as it continues. 🙂

August 22, 2005
6:48 pm
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CAMER
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hi shaney, no promises never have guarantee's...I myself was involved with an alcoholic, and i can count on both fingers of all the times he promised he would stop drinking..it never happened...and trust me, i have had my ex bf's the one with addictions, always saying to me that I could never be happy, etc....but the reason i was not happy, and they knew this is cuz i was staying in a relationship that would never work, trying to fix the men, mold them into what i wanted, and trying even harder when they had slip ups or treated me bad. I was in a bad state of mind. This codependency thing sucks, i feel like i learn it and know it, sometimes i just don't do the right thing though, in the back of my mind i have so much denial.

Wow, and going to church that was an eye opener!! i guess, with your bf it will just take time, see how he progresses with his addiction, and also see how much you can and cannot take, and he should share in the responsibilites of the relationship too....give yourself some space to work on yourselves, and don't miss the Coda meetings, they are great, and he may talk you out of going, but set your boundaries and go.

I too, just turned 40 this year, and never been married, no kids, BUT have a good job, friends, family, home, etc...but relationship suck!!!
I feel so much codependency going on, thats why when i first attended
Coda meetings over 3 years ago, i still go regularly just to keep myself balanced...and the bf i am with now, knows i am Coda, and he
accepts that on Thurs nites, thats my nite for my meeting.

Take things slow, keep posting & keep YOU SHANEY AS #1!!!

Love & support...Camer

August 22, 2005
7:14 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Shaney,

I'm glad that you and your b/f were able to have open communication and I certainly hope that he holds true to his promise to get help.

However, having said that, I noticed that you mentioned "looking at houses"......

I would strongly caution you to take things slowly. I understand that you want to believe him when he says he will give up drugs...but as everyone has said here....there are no guarentees.

My suggestion would be to put buying a house on hold until you see some ACTION....and I mean at least a years worth.

Involving yourself in such a huge financial obligation with a drug addict is probably not the best idea. More than likely, it is a disaster waiting to happen. A disaster that CAN be prevented if you choose to prevent it.

Please forgive me if I am being too straighfoward. I would just hate to see you throw caution to the wind in the name of "love" only to find yourself in a bad situation that could have been prevented.

Good luck,
Lolli

August 22, 2005
7:31 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there Lolli - no forgiveness needed, my friend - I appreciate your candor - and you're absolutely right ON with this. I will definitely take the advice of everyone here, and take things slow. Our only immediate plan is creating the strong base for our relationship, as well as our individual selves, to survive. Neither one of us wants to be stuck. I don't want to be stuck with an addict, and he doesn't want to be stuck with a codep. The first step is help, I know - and I''m off to a positive start thanks to all of you. Thanks!

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