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progress or set back......2shy
April 5, 2009
10:48 am
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2shy
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Hi everyone. It has been a while since I was on this site. I just want to recap my situation and where things stand for me now. I was in an on and off relationship with a gambler for 4 years. I was finally able to break free. I did it by going on a dating website. I met a guy from Germany. I flew to Hong Kong to meet him. He turned out to be a great guy. He flew to Toronto several times since then. He found a job here and we became engaged...all within a year. Then he was diagnosed with cancer. He came to Toronto immediately after he was diagnosed and became ill here. Long story short....he is in Germany and got a liver transplant. He went from only having six months to live to having a new lease on life.

I realized that my relationship with the German guy had to go back to being just friends. I cannot move to Germany (I have my business, my many debts, and I have a benign tumor). I definitely don't want to move to Toronto because of his health situation. He won't accept that...he still hopes that we will fulfill our dream of marriage in the future....even if it means in 5 years from now. I still communicate with him daily. I love him...but as a friend. I also realized that my relationship with him happened too fast.....

My other issue is that my ex made an appearance in my life again. We have been chatting and seeing each other regularly. I haven't crossed any lines with him. We haven't even kissed. He knows all about the German guy.

I like both guys and have feelings for both. I am trying to help both of them. I am encouraging the German guy to get healthy and to go out to meet other people..even other women. I am also encouraging my ex into getting a regular job (he worked for cash and apparently has been unemployed since our breakup).

I like the fact that I can chat with both guys. I am also proud of the fact that I am not so eager to get into another relationship with another guy. I couldn't bear to be alone before. Am I fooling myself with all this. Should I cut all ties with both guys? Deep down in my heart I am still in love with my ex.

sigh....:-(

April 5, 2009
12:23 pm
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CAMER
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SHY....why are you trying to help them both...they are capable of dating, they are capable of finding their own jobs and making thier life the way they want...it seems like you are trying to "form" them into being better people, that is up to them

and yes, i think you are rushing to be with a guy, just to have a guy by your side...have you ever spent time alone, not dating and learning more about you, and if so how long was that time period?

Maybe you are not eager to get into a relationship with another guy cuz you have the other 2 still as friends...on the side..what happens if you cut ties with them both..then how will you feel??

April 6, 2009
10:52 am
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StronginHim77
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Well, you said you couldn't bear to be alone before. From your posting it appears you still cannot bear to be alone. Now, you have male attention from TWO sources and you "like the fact that you can chat with both guys." Whoa. That kinda says it all.

So, to answer your initial title question on this thread, my honest take on your situation is that you have taken a step back. You need to be honest and sever completely with this German man who appears to have been a rebound "fill-in" for the ex (whom you really love). It is not right to string that man along when you have no intention of marrying him or even commiting to him, if the "ex" comes through.

You have created a bit of a mess here and someone is going to get hurt. No one will win. Try to remember all the reasons why the initial relationship with you ex did NOT work out. Write them down. Read them. Refresh your memory.

As far as the German man goes, that was an impulsive effort to feel needed, desirable and get "high" on a new relationship, after crashing and burning with the ex. Alot of us on your previous threads expressed a great deal of concern about your rapid hook-up and engagement with him, following the other breakup.

I hope you can step back and think this through calmly. Some counseling might really help you sort through all of this and give you some insights into the choices you have made.

My best to you...

Ma Strong

May 4, 2009
12:04 am
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2shy
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Well....my friendship with my ex didn't last. We were hanging out regularly as friends. I would see him and feel great. We never crossed the line. I was hoping to rekindle a friendship with him. The thing was that he always kept bringing up the past and then he would start insulting me. He is great at picking fights and on putting me down. I just read my previous posts from when we were together and his attitude never changed. I think that deep down he was hoping that I would beg to get back together with him and when he realized that I am just really interested in a friendship it really bothered him.

The problem isn't him. He is who he is. The problem is with me. Why do I always have this need to worry about what he thinks of me and feeling this need to make him happy?

I just sent him a text message telling him that our friendship is over and that I will never allow him to hurt me again. I just need the stength now to stick with that plan and to end all contact with him.

May 4, 2009
7:59 am
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fantas
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(((2shy))),
Good for you! you put your foot down and drew your boundaries. From what I see, this is progress. You tried to be friends and he couldn't handle it and ended it when you realized he wasn't even a good friend. I think many of us want to be accepted and approved of. I know what you mean about caring what this one person thinks about you.

I have an individual like that in my life and it's so baffling to me. I'm not even dating him. I think that each person we meet on our path is helping us to heal an aspect of our wounded self and these particular people come to assist us learn to get past our extreme need for approval which for me, often leads to serious compromises.

Because I'm not dating him and I'm aware of how insecure he makes me, I'm able to look at myself and do the work I need to do. Most of which involves a lot of self affirmations and learning to draw my attention from needing someone else to approve of me and approving of myself instead. This week, I was able to say no to a request he had, I felt a little bit bad, and then I was over it. It has taken a while to get here. The best part of it is he doesn't know how insecure he makes me feel.

Keep at it, take it a day at a time and know that you have to approve of yourself first. Instead of thinking of the inadequacies you see for needing his approval, congratulate yourself for not letting yourself continue to be bullied by him and each time the insecure feelings come, replace them with these thoughts as soon as you can. Eventually you will begin to do it sooner and find that you are spending more time thinking about your strengths.

Keep posting!!

May 4, 2009
9:41 am
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2shy
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Thanks fantas....I just need the strength now to maintain no contact.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I ended up doing something very bad. I changed the password on my ex's e-mail. I bought him his laptop and set up him e-mail account for him 3 years ago. His reading and writing skills are poor. I taught him the basics on how to use the computer....anyway...I periodically checked his email and discovered that he is on websites for meeting women for sexual encounters. When I last saw him on Saturday he made a comment to me that he wasted his Saturday with me when he could have made someone else very happy. This was after his many insults towards me.

I feel good now that he cannot retreive his emails but at the same time I feel very evil.

May 4, 2009
10:01 am
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fantas
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2shy, good for you!!! let him set his stuff up for himself if he wants to chat online. Wow, he is beyond rude!! I think the universe always rewards these people adequately. Take it one minute at a time. I know we aren't supposed to suggest this here, but I find that saying empowering mantras like the serenity prayer or any other self affirming phrases really help the day pass by quickly. Alternatively, you can just decide to stay pissed of at him for a while. This would help you not contact him. Keep posting here!!

May 4, 2009
10:26 am
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2shy
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Thanks fantas...I was almost tempted to change his email back. His new password is assh*le 😉

If he is smart enough he can always set up a new account and continue his quest for his sexual encounters.

I am grateful I was smart enough not to marry him. I just wish I was smart enough not to have wasted 4 years with him.

thanks for listening

May 4, 2009
10:27 am
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RobynB
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Hey ladies,

Fantas, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "I think that each person we meet on our path is helping us to heal an aspect of our wounded self and these particular people come to assist us learn to get past our extreme need for approval..."

2shy, someday you will realize the whole reason this person was in your life was to teach to recognize the difference between good treatment and bad treatment. I have had several men in my past who I loved dearly and struggled with to gain their approval. Ultimately, I ended up hurt and betrayed many times.

The only way to meet Mr. Right is to abandon Mr. Right Now. Do not be afraid to move on with your life. I understand that he may have fulfilled your desire to "heal" someone by loving this man (and apparently teaching him how to read and write, which is admirable) but his "emotional intelligence" is clearly below average, and that's something that no one can fix, not even him.

I said in another post that the best way to quit a man is to quit him everyday. Don't stop stonewalling this person. The irony is that one day leads to 1 week to 1 month to 1 year... and the whole time it gets easier and easier. The beginning is always the hardest part.

And yes, if he wishes to set up another email/chat whatever, he can do it himself. Besides, think of it this way: if you help him set it up, you are really just helping him get an STD and that is his own responsibility.

May 4, 2009
11:02 am
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2shy
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Thanks RobynB
My ex and I actually broke up 2 years ago after being together for 4 years. We broke no contact a couple of months ago after he called me. I guess I was fooling myself that I can be friends with someone like him. Now I feel like I destroyed the 2 years of healing I had achieved. One day at a time.......

May 4, 2009
1:04 pm
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RobynB
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(((2shy))),

It took me a long time, but I realized that there are some people I DON'T want to be friends with. Sounds like you too! 🙂

(and you know what? Once I got rid of the toxic friends, I had time to make real true friends!)

May 4, 2009
9:58 pm
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2shy
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I went to my usual hangout place with my friend tonight after work. After a few minutes my ex walked in and invited himself to have coffee with us. He acted calm but I can see he was burning with anger. He asked me if he really upset me last night. I told him that I just cannot take his mood swings. If he isn't in a good mood then he shouldn't agree to hangout with me. He should just tell me that he isn't in a good mood and that we can hang out another time. I don't appreciate being attacked verbally. I told him I am a peace and happy girl. Anyway he sat with us the whole time and then we left together but he was burning with anger.

I am sure that he isn't upset about losing my friendship but rather that I changed his email password. He didn't mention anything about his password. I think he was burning to ask me but didn't have the courage to ask. I was going to write "[email protected]" on a piece of paper (his new password) and hand it to him. I wanted to ask him to relax and go home and check his email with his new password. Of course I didn't do that rather I just sat there feeling scared and nervous.

I was considering changing his email password back to his original one tomorrow.

I don't know why he was so angry. He could always set up a new email account. Or is it that he is angry that I discovered his dirty secret?

I am afraid that he is going to call me soon to ask me........

May 5, 2009
5:10 am
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2shy
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I just changed his email password back to the original. I am afraid he might be dangerous and it isn't worth the risk.

I will just stay away from him.

May 5, 2009
1:21 pm
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Zebra
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2shy,

You need to stay away from this person. He is bad and his treament of you is bad.

You deserve much better honey and learn from this.

Don't hangout with him either. If he shows up at a public place; you also have choices; either leave or ignore him act as if he isn't there, but don't let him join you.

You are a beautiful, intelligent women and you deserve the very best. Stay strong.

Love, Z

May 5, 2009
1:23 pm
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RobynB
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Yeah, you don't need to be around this creeper or partake in any behavior that will escalate the situation.

Besides, by blowing him off, you are delievering the best revenge of all. You are showing him you don't need him or his dysfunction. He is the person who had something to lose and now he has lost it. It's a shame he is so damn thick that he won't ever realize it.

Good for you!

May 6, 2009
5:00 pm
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2shy
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I must confess.....I called him yesterday morning. I asked him if he was ok. I asked him why he is nice to me one minute and cruel the next. He told me that there is a thin line between love and hate. We agreed to remain friends.

I haven't called him since BUT I usually call him on Wednesday mornings and get together with him before going to work but I didn't today.

Oh,by the way, he still kept his uses the same password. I guess he figured that no one tampered with his password, otherwise he would have changed it.

Like I said before....He is who he is, I just need to stop obsessing and thinking of him and move on with my life.

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