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February 24, 2005
5:04 am
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orangeboy
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wow. what a heartbreaker. and how familiar it sounds all the same. especially the part about the manipulation. and the testing of love. and the neediness. and the manic depression...geez. so was he as in love with you? were you able to explain that you didn't want him to be needy? were you ever able to find away to ask for what you both wanted to hear said directly?

February 24, 2005
5:10 am
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orangeboy
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i guess that i just don't understand the rationale that you're scared of someone going away so you push them away. i don't mean you personally, i mean i've known many people like this. is it that you fear going any further than you've already gone? that you feel you've lost your head and that if you go any further you won't be able to come back from it? that's part of what happened with my girl. she started saying at the beginning that she felt completely torn down the middle as to whether she wanted to marry me and have babies or never speak to me again. i held on hoping that she'd opt for the former, but these days it's closer to the latter.

February 24, 2005
5:12 am
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orangeboy
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have you considered telling him that you still have these feelings? how long has it been since you broke up? how are you doing with moving on? since you broke up with him, do you think that he's just dating someone in hopes of getting over you?

February 24, 2005
5:17 am
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That is my only solace - that he DID love me. I just froze after our final parting words. Actually it was the look of disbelief on his face as he walked away that I still think of. Why didn't I run after him, and put things straight?

Probably because, at some level, deep down, I knew.. we were just going round in circles.

You have a chance though, to maintain your relationship. Your girlfriend sounds as though she cares. Just being 'in love' though isn't actually 'living', in fact, in some cases it stops us from being in touch with life. No doubt it is a rollercoaster of a ride, but it's addictive qualities mean we spend too much time pondering over it, instead of enjoying it..

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
5:27 am
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orangeboy
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oh how right you are. i feel sad and stressed right now actually. and i know that at least to some extent i am obsessed with her. first and last thing i think of every day, wake up in the middle of the night looking for her. i've cried just about every day since we broke up. been almost 2 months. it just feels so wrong! that's why i was shocked for her to say that she feels like we just fight all the time. we haven't had a single word of "processing" since we broke up. and i really hope that she will come to see that. i trust that she will.

February 24, 2005
5:32 am
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orangeboy
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actually, if i can be completely honest...
i consulted with a witch a while back. my girl's ex boyfriend had put a spell on her when they were first dating that she had never been able to break it seems. she thought she had since she knew about it and that was how she came to fall in love with me. but after awhile she said that she fell out of love with me and she's too scared to do anything but be alone, or, i presume, to be with him. she also had an abusive ex who was very into magic die recently. and it was immediately following his death that things became so difficult for us. so, i hope that this doesn't sound really strange and crazy and out there, but i had a consultation with this witch for her to break the spell of the ex as well as to keep her safe from the other ex. let me know if you're still with me, i suddenly got shy and a bit embarrassed!

February 24, 2005
5:37 am
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It has been several months now, and moving on is proving to be as difficult as I imagined it would be. I have learnt from this though, never again to push people away. I would far rather be a trusting soul. I learned the hard way.
I'm not sure if his relationship is rebound or revenge. Or if he got over me the minute he saw me differently that day.
It is so hard to comprehend where all that love goes to when it's taken away.

Thanks for listening to me.

I can only offer this advice, given to me by someone who helped me:

'you cannot control how others feel'

And by that,I mean; we can only be the best we can be in our relationships, everything else is out of our hands..

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
5:39 am
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orangeboy
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well, i don't know if it helps or hurts to hear this, but i'd bet if he has a hard time looking at you it's because he's still hurting from loving you and missing you. you are a beautiful writer.

February 24, 2005
5:43 am
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orangeboy
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I would far rather be a trusting soul.
please don't ever forget this, as much as it hurts.

hugs.

February 24, 2005
5:46 am
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Not strange or crazy. But maybe, correct me if I am way off the mark; there is an element of paranoia. We can be controlled by many things, but they are usually things that take away our power, our sense of self and strength. When we start to become paranoid about external things, such as in your case, a curse, we perceive things which might not really be what they seem?

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
5:55 am
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Thanks for that!! It hurts, but it helps too..

Hugs 2

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
5:56 am
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orangeboy
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i'd say that that's a fair assessment. but i don't think i'm more than a tiny bit paranoid. i can tell how much she still cares about him, and how much she doesn't want to. i've seen her face light up when she glimpses what it's like to be beyond all of that...who knows. i am doing my best to take responsibility for all of my wrongs in this relationship, and trying my best to be as objective as i can be to see where she's coming from, to hold her accountable, which can be hard when i miss her so much, and to try and have a realistic view of what's going on. i guess we'll see what happens soon. i asked the witch not only to free her from the spell, and from the spirit of the other ex, but to open her heart to seeing how much she loves me, to embracing it, and to receiving how much i love her, to take away some of her fear. she said that she's in the process of first breaking the spells and then casting new ones. i feel a slight bit guilty, but i know that the magic i asked for is not that that will take away her free will in the matter, only that that will take away outside influences and strengthen the good ones. i got a note yesterday saying that the process will finish up at the end of the week, and that i should see some tangible results after that. i can't believe i'm a part of such a thing. it feels so silly and surreal, but i felt that if there were already magic involved, it'd take magic to amend the situation, what do you think about all that?

February 24, 2005
6:12 am
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orangeboy
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okay well, i've been on here for 4 hours now!! i can't believe it. i'd love to hear what you have to say about all this witch stuff, so i'll wait a bit more, but then i'm off to bed. it's after 3 am here! wow. time flies when you're having meaningful conversations i guess 🙂

February 24, 2005
6:14 am
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What you wrote makes perfect sense... in a world where we have an overwhelming amount of influences all around us. What one person puts faith in, another turns away from. Spells are just a string of words, though. It's how they are interpreted that causes an effect. And you have done nothing wrong. It will more likely help you to know that you've done all that you can for the future of this relationship. If it helps you, it helps her. And that's the magic.

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
6:21 am
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orangeboy
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you are a sweetheart charlie thank you. good night from me. have a good day to you.

February 24, 2005
6:27 am
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Sleep well!!

~charlie~

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