Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
processing
February 24, 2005
2:23 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey there. not sure if there's still anyone here tonight. it's about 11:15 on the west coast. i just got back from p's house. i made her dinner and got her a little self care present, since she's been too stressed out. we were talking about going on a trip together for spring break, and she said, what so we can fight all the time? i was perplexed by this. she always thinks that we fight all the time, and i feel like we've only ever really fought 2 or 3 times. yeah, we've had a lot of times where we've had to process, but i can't believe that she thinks all we do is process. i feel like we process less than anyone else i've ever dated. so i guess i'm asking you all, what is healthy communication? what's healthy processing? i'll post to give you a chance to answer while i keep writing.

February 24, 2005
2:27 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

she teased me aobut processing so much i should change my name to cuisinart, but i feel like there are still things that she's never addressed, so i guess i'm just trying to let those things go. i do think that i process too much. with my mental health stuff and having fibromyalgia, i don't have a very strong short term memory, so at times i'll have to stop discussing a thing with the intention of coming back to it later. or sometimes we've talked and talked about a thing but i won't be able to remember what was said. i've often thought about starting to carry around a notepad so that when we do process i can take notes so as not to forget and have to revisit later. after my last two serious relationships where all we did was process all the time, i feel like this one has been a godsend.

February 24, 2005
2:31 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

we're still not officially back together, but i feel like we're getting closer and closer all the time. last night i was sick and she came over, let herself in with her keys, and i came into the room with my shirt off. she came up and put her arms around me and led me to the bed where she climbed under the covers with me and held me for a long time, just talking and rubbing my back. that's what i miss most from our relationship, just the warm safe comfortable cuddling and holding. my take is that she's terrified of getting hurt from a serious relationship, and so she's looking for whatever she can find to show that our relationship isn't right, and so she doesn't have to admit that she's scared. when i asked her outright if she was she said "so what if i am".

February 24, 2005
2:33 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

orangeboy

It's about 7.20am here in the south of England, and cold too! Just read your thread re communication. You mentioned that your girlfriend is stressed out at the moment, so her comment could be just a reflection of how she is feeling at the moment. I believe 'fighting' (definition: heated exchanges of beliefs or feelings) IS part of healthy communication.
Explain 'processing' to me! Is it an Americanism?

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
2:37 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey charlie. "processing" i think is a term that's pretty specific to younger folks here in northern california, though i could be wrong. basically it means that when something doesn't feel right we talk about it in hopes that through "processing our feelings" about the situation it'll get worked out. does that make sense?

February 24, 2005
2:48 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

it's weird 'cos at the same time as she says i'm too processy, i feel like i'm always the one looking on the bright side and she's all dooom and gloom. i offered to take her on a vacation over the winter, right before we broke up, i said i'd pay for it all as i just received a fairly large amount of money in the mail from a court case, and she said that she was worried that we wouldn't have a good time, that we wouldn't be able to find a place to stay, and that we may as well not even go! i said that she'd just have to pay for her food that i'd pay for the rest and she said that she couldn't afford it. i say that the majority of what we've ever processed about has been when or whether we want to get married and have kids, and she says that everything has been a processing session. we had this pattern of going for about a month of wonderful romantic honeymoonness, and then we'd have a tiff about moving in together or when we would see each other next, and she'd suddenly say that she felt like it was never good between us, that all we ever did was fight or process, and that's be a day or two after she'd said that she thought everything was perfect. that i was perfect, that our relationship was perfect. why!? i just wish that she could see things more as how they are, as i also wish that i could. i think that just as much as she has a tendency to wipe out all the good, i downplay the bad. in missing her so much, i haven't focused on what the things were that she did that hurt me. sometimes she'd say things that i felt were said only to be hurtful. sometimes she wasn't there for me when i really needed it. damn. i don't really foresee how anything could be possibly any closer to perfect, and yet so overwhelmingly complex, at times seeming like there's so much to work through that it'll never get worked out. damn damn damn.

February 24, 2005
2:52 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

It makes good sense! And I would have thought that having someone who is able and willing to sit down and talk through feelings would be a good thing! However it seems your girlfriend finds that analysing situations too much is not how she deals with stuff. Instead, she appears (from what you wrote about her coming round to comfort you when you were sick) to show how she feels with actions rather than words.
You may very well be right about her fear of getting hurt-and she may express this in ways that frustrate you, but try to take a step back from always having to articulate this, and she may feel more relaxed about your relationship, instead of having to explain each little nuance!

Hope you're feeling better!

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
2:57 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

the things she cited as being her problems with the relationship are that i'm:
too processy
manipulative
too demanding of her time
too jealous
demanding of physical affection
that's all i can think of. i feel like i've got all but the processing figured out and more under control. the physical affection stuff came from my being upset or sad and wanting to be hugged and held and comforted, but getting hurt and angry when she said no. i can understand that that's manipulative behavior now, i didn't understand it as that then. now i'm not doing anything that i'm not prepared to receive a no answer for and be okay with. the too demanding of her time was wrapped up in being in a long distance relationship. it's gotten way better now that we live in the same place.
the jealousy...i feel that my jealousy isn't really a problem. it's never made me do more than ask ridiculous questions which i'm forgiving of myself for from all of the times i've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, fucked over. i told her that i feel okay with that too, and she said okay. i've never spied on her or checked up on her or done anything other than to ask her whether or not a thing was true. that's it. and i feel like that's totally reasonable and not a problem. it's not like the asking was constant either. i probably asked jealousy related questions less than 10 times in the year and a half that we dated. manipulation, i never ever realized what manipulation was until she pointed it out and i'm working on it every single day. i don't feel that i've done anything manipulative for 7 weeks and counting. i'm conscious of it and it's definitely improving. i feel i'm over the hump and the conscious non-manipulation is becoming more of a pattern. but what about the processing?

February 24, 2005
3:02 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks charlie. that's good advice. i saw myself becoming too impatient in our relationship. wanting to pin down when we were gonna get married, how many kids we would ahve and when, etc, until i realized that what would be so different once we were married? how would a marriage be if all we talked about was marriage? what would we talk about if that weren't an option anymore? would i want to be married? so i decided to just settle into being comfortable with her. she has earned my trust thoroughly and completely and she deserves every bit of it. so i decided to relax and start relating to her as though we were already married. i started to get comfortable in her being the person that i was spending my life with. and it felt good, but it was too late. she was fed up and she broke up with me, well or said that she needs to think of us more as friends for now. and yet she says that if she were capable of a relationship, i'm definitely the one she wants a relationship with. as witnessed by her coming over and bringing me chinese food and holding me when i was sick.

February 24, 2005
3:06 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It seems as though you are trying to mould yourself into waht is acceptable for her. Is she making any changes for you? Does she notice and thank you for how hard you are trying to be the perfect guy for her? Are you losing something of your self along the way?
Do you believe you 'process' too much? Maybe it is a form of a slight obsession with second guessing everything you say and do. People should be free to express themselves in the moment, without having to replay what they said or did to try to find fault in it..

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
3:07 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i think that my getting so in the habit of talking things through on these boards is well on the way to relief from processing in our relationship! i just realized that. perhaps if i can start carrying around a notepad to jot notes when she and i process, and then be able to talk it through here-magnificent. 'cos at times i will just talk and talk and talk and talk with my friends about it and not be able to say what all i mean because i'm concerned about their not wanting to have anything to do with it, or feeling exhausted by it, but i love these boards 'cos people only read and respond if they want to. but i also think that overall the amount of processing is somewhat unhealthy. i get somewhat obsessed with it all. need to pick it all apart until i can't pick at it anymore and then things are fine for awhile until i need something else to obsess over. do you do this? i can tell that i obsess over her, but i'm not sure what that means, or what level of that is unhealthy.

February 24, 2005
3:08 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

sp. 'what'!!!

February 24, 2005
3:12 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I have to admit that yes, I do obsess. Not for the same reasons. My obsession is with dealing with regrets. I broke up with a guy I still love and he has now found a new girlfriend. I constantly kick myself for being the one to end things, because I have a hard time making decisons I can live with.

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
3:19 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow. i think you're very right here. she has made a lot of changes for me in the past. for awhile we talked about dating other people when we were first together, something she felt strongly about, and something i felt strongly against. she said to me that if it made me feel shitty even talking about it, she didn't want to discuss it any further and that she wouldn't do it. whenever she's agreed with me that something that she does is fucked up, she changes it and it's never an issue again. she used to tell me all the time that i was so good for always trying so hard, that i was pretty well as perfect as anyone could be, but these days she's distrusting of my attempts to change and work on things, seeing them as just my attempts to get back together. which in part they are, but in part i want things to be good between us, and partly because these are things that have come up again and again in other relationships and i want to be free from them. a lot of them stem from my history of child abuse and abusive relationships and a lifetime of being screwed over by people i trusted. i want to be done with them for me. and i have glimpsed for the last year and a half what my ideal partner would be, and this is her. and the thing is, i feel like i get to know myself more the more i go through this process. i don't feel that i'm giving up myself, except in two of the situations where i was asking for physical comforting and she refused. one of the times i was suicidal and wanted to be held so badly, and she became angry with me. but i know that it was triggering for her as a previous boyfriend who was abusive to her used to use that as an excuse to get what he wanted all the time, so i can see how it would bring up the feelings from the past there, and so i don't feel upset with either of us for trying to get our needs met and having to compromise with both of us feeling sad about the situation. her feeling sad that she couldn't give me what i needed, and my feeling sad because i wasn't getting it.

February 24, 2005
3:22 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you are living with those decisions though, aren't you? and good for you for making those that you feel are best for you for the time. why did you end it if you still love him?

February 24, 2005
3:26 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i place so much value on having a relationship. but what better thing in life is there than being in love? i'm learnign to relax in relationships, it's a tough one. and i'm in a serious era of personal growth, i think that's why i'm picking on myself so much. i'm tired of so much pain, i'm tired of such intense deep depression due to unresolved issues, and so i'm dealing with as many of them as i can handle right now. since i'm in a space where i can work on them, i'm taking on as many as i can.

February 24, 2005
3:27 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

For the same reason your girlfriend acts the way she does-just fear of him hurting me first..

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
3:28 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i wish that she would just try to focus more on the good stuff for awhile...

February 24, 2005
3:34 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow, i'm so glad we're talking then!! will you tell me about this fear please? if you want to talk about it...

February 24, 2005
3:38 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i mean really, what would it take to allay those fears? if someone that you loved loved you more than anything he could possibly imagine, if you knew that he would do anything for you. would you break up with him in hopes that he would show his love and loyalty by suffering without you? this may sound ridiculous, but at times i wonder if that's what my girl would ideally like to see from me, though she wouldn't admit it.

February 24, 2005
3:38 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Yes, it's good isn't it!
I have to go out for about half an hour. Will get back in touch then. If you're not around then, don't worry (poor choice of word for you huh!!?!!!)

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
3:46 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yeah, really. i'll prob'ly be here, but i'll let you know if i take off. orange.

February 24, 2005
4:36 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey charlie, are you back yet?

February 24, 2005
4:41 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Just got back! It's trying to snow, and my hands are freezing now! I have made a cup of tea to get warm!

My story is this..

My boyfriend professed such overwhelming love for me. He told me he had never felt like it before. He made time to see me, texted me all the time, even made some amazing things for me (he's an artist). There was an amazing chemistry between us, which he described as feeling as though he'd been 'punched in the solar plexus'.
He too, was extremely articulate, and because he suffers with a mild form of manic depression, has mood swings which I found myself on the receiving end of. He would question what I meant when I said something, and was always talking about whether or not our relationship was moving in circles or spirals. I believe he was testing me out, as much as I was testing him. (Just HOW much do you love me? etc) Because I had fallen so deeply in love with him, I began to fear losing him. If he was 'the one', then what the hell was I going to do if I lost him?
I literally became obsessed by him. Lost in love. Crazy. I have never felt that way before.

The day I ended it, I was still 'testing him'. I had been feeling sick with fear if he didn't call or text. And I began to doubt him. I called his bluff, and said "you don't really need me in your life"
Of course what I wanted to hear was "of course I do, I can't live without you"
Instead he misunderstood what I said to mean that I had wanted him to be 'needy' of me. And from then on ...silence.
I have to see him around all the time. He acts like I don't exist to him.
I cannot tell him how I still feel. He has a new girlfriend, and I could not face further rejection.

Whilst we were going out, I showed him love, but I also said hurtful things I didn't really mean and I know he suffered from the same fears as me at first. But the deeper I fell in love with him,(and he knew it), the more he had control over me. I sensed he was starting to use this control to manipulate me. So, I couldn't take any more of the pain I was feeling. You are right, love IS amazing, but I found it to be achingly painful too..

So I have lost himforever now, and because I was the one who hurt him, ultimately I ended up hurting myself.

~charlie~

February 24, 2005
4:52 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

And just to add to that..

You posed the question 'what would it take to allay those fears?' and it's a good question.

I don't think you can do anything to allay them. The problem lies in the other person. Naturally, you can reassure her and show her all the ways you love her. Once, when I was really in a doubting frame of mind, my ex told me how frustrating it was for him. He kept asking the same thing ."What will it take?"
I could never find an answer.

I wish I had..

~charlie~

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
41
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110958
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714251
Newest Members:
SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy, emmanathan
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information