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Problems with women in movies and tv....
October 26, 2000
5:15 pm
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butter
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My problem is basically this....I am hurt by the women in movies and tv. And now that I think about it, I don't think it's just movies and tv. It's everything, everywhere. It bothers me. I don't think they should dress the way they do (provocatively). I don't think they should get naked. It seems that every movie out there has a naked or almost naked woman in it. It's unnecessary and degrading to women. Just to make myself clear, I am not blaming men (who are most of the directors out there) because it is the women that do this to themselves. Anyway, it really bothers me. I've been dating this guy for about 5 months. I have fallen in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He feels the same. At least he used to. I get upset everytime we watch a movie or tv with something bad in it. AT first, it was just when there was nudity. He seemed to understand that and we no longer watch movies with that in it. But it just got worse. Now, it's girls that show cleavage or wear short shorts. I dont' know what to do, but I know I have to do something because it's affecting my relationship. I worry that he will be more sexually attracted to those women than to me. I worry that when he is intimate with me that he will be thinking about them. I worry that he wants me to look like them, and that will never happen. I'm afraid he will leave me for someone better looking. I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man because of my insecurities. What am I to do? I don't know if I'm really jealous of these women. I don't think that's the issue. I'm not ugly by any means nor am I fat. But I still feel REALLY ugly compared to these women. I don't want to look like these women. I just want to feel special and feel beautiful. What should I do? This is not the first time I;ve had these feelings. I've been having them for years...ever since I started dating guys seriously in college. I have problems with each and everyone of them. I don't want to spend the rest of my life single...guys won't want to put up with this. I can't tell my boyfriend to never watch tv or movies again. And even if I did, it wouldn't stop him from seeing girls at bars or on the beach. Can someone please help me? I feel so helpless.

Thanks!

October 26, 2000
6:40 pm
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Brenda
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Please get some serious help for what is obviously very, very low self esteem.god bless

October 26, 2000
9:37 pm
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guest_guest
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thats right... low self-esteem.

October 27, 2000
3:48 pm
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snickerz
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I agree with what the others have said. You definitely need to get some help, whether it be from a good friend or a professional. But I think you also need empathy...something those other people didn't give you.

I would like to say that I know where you are coming from. I have low self esteem as well, but I have finally found someone that makes me feel beautiful, so I don't worry about other girls. I would have to agree with you when you say that those movies and tv shows are degrading and unnecssary. They are, but there is nothing you can do about it unless you form some sort of group against it. If you do that, good luck to you. I think you need to have a talk with your bo and tell him how you honestly feel. Tell him how much those scenes hurt you and how they make you feel. Tell him you love him and want to be with him, but it hurts when he sees those things. If he truly loves you, he will understand and avoid them. It won't kill him to not watch a movie. And if you two decide to watch a movie, it won't kill him to look away at certain scenes that make you uncomfortable or hurt. Slowly, you will hopefully get over it. If he shows that he loves you and only wants you, and he looks away from such things and avoids it, then you will slowly begin to heal. Let him know this. Tell him it will take time and that you need his support. Regaining your self esteem is not as easy as snapping your fingers. It takes time, love and maybe tearful nights. You can do it, girlfriend!!

By the way, a site you may want to check out is http://www.screenit.com It has reviews about new movies and videos. If you click on a title, it talks about different things in the movie and one of them is sex/nudity. You can read specific things like if they show bare breasts or just cleavage. It even talks about if the characters talk about sex. It's very detailed and may help you choose movies that are better and more family oriented. Good luck to you and come back and let me know how you're doing!!

God Bless.

October 27, 2000
4:16 pm
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janes
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For your overall mental health why don't you seek out a counselor or someone to talk to about your feelings.

When you find the man you wnat to marry you will not have a successful relationship if you try to control his every sight and thought.

You need to be complete and whole within yourslef before you commit to a relationship. Worry about what is in movies and on tv will translate to worry about the women your man works with....you will defeat yourself.

Any person is more than what they look like or what they wear...you need to concentrate on fixing the broken part of you that is so fixated on the external.

IF your boyfirend truly loves you it should be for what is inside. Even after marriage for 22 years...I still enjoy the sight of a good looking man...it doesn't mean I want to dump my husband for another guy. And if my hubby enjoys a good looking woman it soens't mean he wants her mor than me or that he wants me to look like her.

You need to find your self and the best that is in you. ONly you can do that. No other person will ever make you happy...not even one you love who loves you back. FIRST you must be happy within your self.

October 29, 2000
4:14 pm
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frida
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hi there!
I truely understand how you feel, and I think you got yourself into a pattern of thinking that is becoming more and more difficult to get out from.
You feel that you are not attractive enough, you compare yourself to the other women, that is o.k., but why don't you spend this energy constructively? Observe what looks good on others, what does not. Get ideas on make-up/wardrope etc.
Go shopping with your boyfriend, find out what he likes in you and accentuate it. Ask him for advise..."does this look nice on me.."
Personally, I would share my insecurety about my looks, but I would not try to make your boyfriend not watch a movie because of some super-woman, who is very unlikely to cross his way. How would you feel if he told you that you should stop watching a movie you like, only because the male actor is attractive.
I do not think that there is a risk (higher than avarage) that your boyfriend is going to leave you for another woman, but there might be a high risk that he might leave you if you are too possesive or too jalouse.
hope you feel better, bye, frida

October 30, 2000
11:42 am
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Brenda
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IF you depend upon someone elses behavior and let them define yoru happiness, you will ALWAYS be miserable. Find your self, love yourself and LET GO of the control. blessings

October 31, 2000
11:18 am
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Cici
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When I was younger, before I had gotten counseling about my rape trauma, I felt the same way. Insecure about myself in comparison with other women on TV, or even just around me.

But after I received counseling I began to slowly recover my self-esteem. Now I rejoice in the female body. We are beautiful creatures created by God, there is no shame in ourselves. God made us in all shapes and sizes, but we are all beautiful.

Although certain types of nudity are definately exploitative, I have no problem if it's tastefully done.

There's definately a problem if it's interfering with your relationship, but it'sup to youto decide if you want to do anything about it. The first step is recognizing that these obsessive thougths are irrational.

November 5, 2000
12:49 am
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Ryn
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Hey girl,
You are not alone. I'm the exact same way. My husband looks at porn magazines and it drives me crazy. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. I tell him how I feel and I've asked him not to do it, but he tries to hide the fact that he still does it. I find magazines hidden around the house. Now I get really upset because he's lying to me and looking at that crap. I know that I have a problem, and that I need to do something about it. But I don't know where to begin. I don't have low self esteem. So if you find a solution, please share it.
Ryn

November 7, 2000
1:19 pm
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butter
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Hey, Ryn! I wish I had a solution for the both of us, but I don't. I just thought I would let everyone know that my boyfriend broke up with me last night. He said he couldn't stand hurting me. What he doesn't understand is that he's hurting me more by leaving me. I need him now more than ever. He is my best friend. So, not only have I lost a boyfriend, but a best friend. I'm down here with no family or friends. I moved away from them to take a job down here to be closer to him (he was talking about marriage). Big mistake! Now I have nothing. I'm stuck here for at least a year until my contract with this company is up. What am I to do? I don't want to be single. I want to continue to work at our relationship, but he says he's given up hope. I'm just so all alone and scared. I went into this relationship with my heart...I gave it my all. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt and trust everything he said to me. It was hard for me to do, because it is hard for me to trust people. So, now that i gave my everything, I'm stuck here with nothing. I know I need help with my other problems, but I don't want to face them alone. I prayed last night more than I have in my entire life. I prayed that God would give me the strength I need to keep on going...to live in a world so full of sex and nudity. I just hope He answers my prayers.

November 7, 2000
3:12 pm
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Cici
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God answers our prayers by leading us with our own actions. I mean, he can't do it all and definately wants us to give input to Him so that we can be better through our own effort.

Perhaps you should read the book "Women who Run with Wolves" I don't rememebr the author but my sister lent it to me while she was taking a course in feminist literature.

I think it's a damn shame when women feel ashamed about nudty and their own bodies while men feel comfortable enough to glorify nudity. You know that this phobia is most prevalent in the U.S.? Puritanical roots, you know.

The female body is beautiful, but it's definatley wrong to exploit it. Maybe the problem is a control issue, rather than low self esteem. I mean, I am offended by the exploitation of women but I also rationalize that these women do this out of personal choice and I have no right to dictate behavior to any other consenting adult, you know?

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