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Problems with fiancee! Help!
August 13, 2008
2:38 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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This evening, I had a memorial service at my home and several family members and friends came to pay their respects to the late great Bernie Mac. Anyway, my fiancee began a pouting fit and kept wanting me to hold her. I asked her repeatedly what was wrong to no avail, she just shook her head. Eventually, I pulled her in the back room & talked to her and pried it out. She claims that depression was setting in.

BUT . . . here's the red flag, problems only set in when she sees me having fun apart from her or when I need a little personal space. Also, anytime I am doing anything that does not involve her, she claims her "depression" sets in.

It seems as if the more attention I show her, the more she demands. It is making me crazy & I am getting ready to leave. Are these red flags?

August 13, 2008
7:43 am
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CAMER
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wow, i know the feeling, except I was that girl...i used to hate when my bf had fun, and a good time...and I think the reason was, cuz i was miserable, and jealous....I think she needs to look at her own life, and fill it with fun, friends, hobbies, and loving herself. All of this would help her accept the fact that you do have a life filled with many things and people.

good luck

August 13, 2008
7:44 am
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autumn128
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Mr. Anonymous,

Yes, these are red flags. Your girlfriend is extremely insecure. The question is, why?

What has happened to her in her past to make her act this way?

Maybe her parents weren't around when she was little?

Maybe a former boyfriend cheated on her and hurt her badly?

It is natural when you love someone to want to help them. However, you can not fix her problems for her. You should be supportive of her. Talk to her and tell her exactly what you just wrote here. You might suggest some counseling for her to get to the root of why she feels this way.

Autumn

August 13, 2008
7:54 am
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sad sack
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Hi,

From what you have described, it does sound as if she is extremely needy. And yes, I do see this as a huge red flag.

The behavior you described is also immature and manipulative (i.e.- pouting because she is lacking attention from you).

I always say that neediness is a very unattractive quality. To me, it only serves to repell our respective partner. I find it to be such a turn-off.

Since you say she is your fiancee, I would definitely communicate your concerns to her and see if she is willing to back off a little. In my experience, needy people usually have remained needy people. Only you can decide if this is something you want to tolerate/deal with for the rest of your life.

I wish you the best. And good for you for recognizing the red flags. I am just learning how to do that (thanks to this site).

sad

August 13, 2008
11:14 am
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soofoo
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Everyone is flawed. If every flaw is a red flag then nobody is acceptable. It's up to you to decide which flaws are red flags and which you can live with.

Since you are already engaged to this woman, I will assume you are in love with her. I don't mean to be harsh. But If you are in love with her, do red flags still apply? I think red flags are warnings not to emotionally (or otherwise) invest in someone, but once you are invested in a person it's time to face the problem instead of avoiding it. Once again, not meaning to be harsh or critical, especially since I can relate to your situation. I have a boyfriend who goes through periods of insecurity.

When my boyfriend is insecure, I try to assure him and love him without letting his insecurity take over my life. This is usually possible and often difficult.

If you love her and don't want to dump her for this, first be sure it isn't a relationship problem, since you never noticed it before. Make an effort to tell her all the things you appreciate about her without being fake or condescending. When you are having a good time with your friends, talk about your love for her and the good times you have with her to your friends. Let her hear this. Use some of your charm on her. Help her feel comfortable in your circle.

I suggest that you not even think about her past, her parents or anything of that nature. That is a therapist's work, and only if she wants to do that. If you bring that up, it's a sure fight.

August 13, 2008
2:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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It is possible that her clinginess and need for reassurance/attention initially made you feel very "needed" and masculine. However, such behavior can begin wearing thin, given enough time. It is also possible that her demands for excessive attention are increasing, now that she is engaged and feels safer being herself.

Please remember that the purpose of a period of engagement is both to commit exclusively to one another with the intention of marriage (after suitable preparation and planning, including premarital counseling) AND to determine if this person is the right choice for you. Remember, marrige is (hypothetically, anyway) for LIFE. Also, this woman will -- in all probability -- become the mother of your children which will establish a lifelong connection, whether or not the marriage works out.

So, I would strongly encourage you both to get into premarital counseling (either with a qualified minister/rabbit, etc.) or with a license marriage counselor. NOW is the time to work through these issues and address these problems. Burying them and hoping they will go away is unwise. Again, this behavior may ESCALATE after the wedding. So, you need to be sure that you can contend with such emotional immaturity and selfishness.

- Ma Strong

August 13, 2008
2:30 pm
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StronginHim77
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OOOOPS -

"Rabbi," not "rabbit."

Dang. [Turning red.] I'm getting older than I thought.

: )

- Ma

August 13, 2008
2:35 pm
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truthBtold
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I think that one of the great things about this wonderful site is that you get so many different perspectives from some very wise poeple.

I am so thankful for this!

You can't BUY this kind of various insight!

It has allowed me to really 'chew on' different ways of looking at the same situation and eventually come to terms with what just feels right in the gut.

That being said, I have to add in my own personal 2 cents - since you asked.

I think that these are red flags, in my opinion.

Like others have shared, I too was (maybe still are to a much lesser degree because I try really hard...)NOT to be QUITE so needy.

It's been said that the things that SOMETIMES attract you to a person in the first place is the exact same things that you end up later resenting. Sometimes.

For me, to a certain degree - that was true.

One of the things that really attracted me to my ex-husband was how he could freely enjoy himself with his hobbies.

I guess, back then, I kind of thought on an unconscious level that somehow being around him and his love for hobbies would just naturally, magically SOMEHOW "rub-off" on me.

Of course, it doesn't happen that way.

Took me a long time to figure that one out.

I also am coming to learn that once we are around someone for awhile - that we CAN get just a little bit TOO FAMILAR and the boundaries that were healthy (maybe) in the beginning have diminished some and the foibles of the other person eventually surface.

Like - on the familiar part - I think that a couple has to be really mindful not to slip into simple, disrespectful ways - like say, not closing the door while going to the bathroom or belching without apology or other things along those lines.

Though I did not intend to recommend a book at the beginning of posting this, kind of "writing out loud" here reminds me of a great little book I have entitled: "Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? - Reclaiming Intimacy, Modesty and Sexuality" by Manis Friedman.

Grant it, the author is a rabbi and therefore religious elements play into the mix and can, at times seem a little bit too conservative for my tastes, and I don't agree with everything that is said, but generally speaking, I found it to be extremely helpful and deliver wisdom that is not usually found in other books of its type.

Maybe this might be right up your alley, as in looking at the back flap the first quote is from Bob Dylan which states: "Anyone who's either married or thinking about getting married would do well to read this book."

Here's hoping we help you in finding your own answers!

tBt

August 13, 2008
8:04 pm
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Loralei
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I can identify a bit with your fiancee. Many many years ago when I was young and inexperienced in relationships, I would often get extreme feelings of insecurity with my live-in boyfriend (whom I married soon after). I didn't "pout" but I would withdraw. I felt very intimidated by his friends and family. They all knew each other and I was the stranger in the room which felt very awkward. But it was more than just my shyness. My boyfriend was not an affectionate person, physically or verbally. This fueled my insecurity a lot. At night I would sometimes ask him if he loved me because he never would tell me otherwise. An "of course I do" was not a very convincing response. I needed some reassurance. I needed to FEEL like I was loved.

Some women just require more attention and displays of affection than others. Your fiancee may be one of those. She simply may not be getting enough to meet her basic needs so she keeps coming back for more. And yes, not feeling loved can make you feel depressed and very sad.

It sounds like the thing missing most in your relationship is communication. During a "party" or any kind of gathering is not the time to address this with her. I'm sure she felt very much put on the spot. Talk to her when it is just the two of you and when you aren't distracted by the TV or anything. Take the first steps toward genuinely intimate conversations. No judgements or excuses. Just learn about each other in a caring and loving way. It's much harder to become truly intimate after you are married than it is before. The time to do it is now.

August 13, 2008
8:54 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I agree with Soofoo. I am just coming out of 2 days of receiving the sulking treatment from my husband. He was not happy that I chose to play for a baptism than sitting around waiting for him to come home from work. So the sulks and the complaints. ARe they red flags that show a needy, paranoid personality yes. Did I suffer from his treatment. Yes a bit. but it
's not the first time it's happened and it will happen again. Will I refrain from playing the piano at church services? NO. I refuse to change all my behaviors because of his neediness I know what I need. Will I stay with him? For now. One thing that has helped me. I can not change his neediness. I can't change his sulking fits. When he sulks, I keep busy with things I like, get manicures (if I can afford it)
Once I understood that I can set my own boundaries. and that no amount of reassurance from me was going to change him, my life became much easier.
so, Mr. Anonymous, if you can stand this poutiness, and realize that it may never change and that you are powerless to change it. Do you still want to be with her?

August 13, 2008
10:18 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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As always, thank all of you for your insight. I was furious last night when I posted this, but there was more to the story. She goes off over the slightest things & she did it again last night. A year ago, she got mad at me and threw a book up side my head, and I forgave that. Now, she keeps lashing out every time she does not get her way. That was why I lashed out at her last night. I refuse to allow her to take any unacceptable tone with me or degrade me because she can't have her way. I am a good looking and educated man who can easily replace her.

She has continually apologized today by e-mail and voice mail (I'm not talking to her via phone today). But, I am sick of the apologies and she will just be back to herself next week. This is why I feel like I'm through.

I have been to counseling which has helped me identify the unhealthy patterns in my relationships and I now feel strong enough to break these patterns.

I am not conceited or this super super stud, but certain things I need in a relationship:

1. I need to know that of we disagree, I will not be degraded or hit (If this happens I am leaving).

2. I need to know that when problems arise, I have someone who can help me solve them, not someone who I have to pull along while in the midst of solving problems.

3. I need to know that the affection I show her is appreciated. I hold her often, I kiss her often, I always tell her how beautiful she looks and how much I love her. Every now and then I bring small gifts to show that I am paying attention (ex. she loves pink roses. she had a hard day at work the other day and when she got home I had pink roses on the table with a small note that read: stepped out real quick, will be back to take u to dinner attached was a cupon entitling her to choose the restaurant.)

If despite what I do, she just says more more more more, I have a big problem with it.

Well, I am getting ready to call her now, will write some more when I finish.

Mr. A

August 14, 2008
12:16 am
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Loralei
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Your last post sheds a whole new light on the situation. What you said is way more than just insecurity on her part. This is a whole different ball game.

Just the fact that she threw a book at you that hit your head is more than enough to end anything and everything! That is unforgivable behavior under any circumstances. If you were married, she would feel even more free to explode over any little thing.

It doesn't sound like she will ever be pleased with anything, so why bother trying? Get out while you still can. Abusive people beg for forgiveness, promise to never do it again, and then they go right back to being abusive. The fact that you're still with her after experiencing that kind of behavior makes me think that you still need counseling for yourself. She definitely falls into the unhealthy pattern in relationships!

A word of advice: If things aren't great before you get married, just know that they get exponentially worse after marriage.

August 14, 2008
12:44 am
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fantas
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Mr. Anonymous, More power to you for all the work you are doing to better yourself and your relationships. I echo those who say this is a red sign. Your fiance is insecure which is why she acts this way every time attention is not on her. No doubt, if she doesn't get help, this will worsen as the relationship continues and you get married. I also agree that you need to consult a marriage counselor together but she needs to seek counseling as well to deal with her insecurity. If I were you, I wouldn't go forward with the wedding until I'm sure that she knows how to take care of her own needs and doesn't look to you to make her happy and loved 24/7. Right now she is a bottomless pit and she is looking to you to fill it up when only she can do it.

I have a friend like this and she pouts each time her man is having fun. It's really unattractive IMO, not to mention exhausting for the partner.

I hope you guys had a good chat about this. Keep us posted.

August 14, 2008
1:02 am
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marypoppins
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Mr. A,

Most definitely, do NOT see a RABBIT for help in this matter. My xxh and I sought advice from a RABBIT, and well, note the "xx". The RABBIT was all about sex and multiplying. Not helpful at all.

Mary

(sorry, Ma, couldn't help myself)

August 14, 2008
2:32 am
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soofoo
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I agree avoid the rabbit. He will also cause problems by dropping off baskets filled with chocolates and jelly beans which is going to seriously interfere with the pink roses thing.

😉

August 14, 2008
3:23 am
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soofoo
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Mr. A,
If you feel that you can easily replace her, then you should let her go. I think it would be a mistake to marry someone who is not precious to you. good luck.

August 14, 2008
3:30 am
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marypoppins
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Mr. Anonymous,

I agree that some type of marriage counseling is necessary. If each of you is willing to accept responsibility for his/her issues and work together on a healthy relationship, you have a chance. If you cannot make something strong together now, you will really struggle later, with the added pressures of children, sickness, aging, and home ownership - not necessarily in that order.

All the best to you.

Mary

August 14, 2008
7:15 am
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CAMER
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wow, throwing a book at you, yikes, that is abuse, and i do hope she can get a grip on what she is doing.

Mr. A, stick with you boudaries and don't ever ever let her abuse you again, cuz sometimes once an abuser does things like this and gets away with it, they think they can always get away with it.

August 14, 2008
7:19 am
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_anonymous
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You wanting to leave her when she feels depressed is a red flag.

I dont know do you spend more time on yourself and family than her?

I have the feeling that you dont care about her feelings.

Maybe you can leave her and find a woman who doesnt need you and doesnt mind if you spend your time on things that dont concern her.

August 14, 2008
12:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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I would have been out the door, the first (and LAST!!) time she flung a book at me. That is physical abuse...blatant violence. Not a good omen for your future with her.

Once married, I agree that her behavior will probably worsen. She obviously has rage and control issues.

Is this who you want to be the mother of your children?

WHOA.

- Ma Strong

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