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problematic
December 18, 2000
10:46 am
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msg
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For the last fortnight and more I am feeling very bad,depressed,out of sorts.I haven't felt this bad in years.I do not what is the problem with me and why I behave the way I do.Is it chemistry or just plain misbehaviour? on introspection,I recognise the following problems in myself:I am short and physically weak.I suffer from a serious inferiority complex.I am a bit oversensitive.I cannot take criticism.This does not prevent me from being critical of others.I am short tempered,too easy to be peeved.I work hard.Cannot tolerate mistakes in work (mine as well as others). I am in asupervisory position,making my subordinates others miserable.They say that recognition of your follies is the first step to remedy. I recognise these for decades now.But have not been successful in overcoming.Need help of some sort may be!I donot wish to ascribe my problems to "chemistry". I think it is escapism.I find it hard to make friends.I find it harder to keep them.I live alone.I am married for over twenty years.My wife is quite devoted to me.This does not stop me from behaving badly with her now and then, although I make up with her soon enough.I have one son.My wife and son live,perforce in another country. My son is studying and my wife looks after him. I stay away from them to provide them necessary financial support.Of late,I am developing diferences with my seniors and it is making my life all the more miserable.I feel like giving up my job and joining my family.But the erosion in income forbids this.I am unable to get sufficient vacation so I could recoup.I am becoming a nervous wreck.How do I get over all these???????

December 18, 2000
11:15 am
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gingerleigh
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Admitting you are unhappy with the way your life is going is the first step. So congratulations, you're on your way to feeling better.

I can relate so well to what you are talking about. I am a perfectionist in work and home life, and hold unreasonable standards up for me to live up to. Even worse, I hold those same standards up for everyone else too and if they don't live up to them, then I feel as though they have made a horrible slight against me as a person. Whether it is my subordinates at work screwing up and making my whole team look bad, or my partner letting his credit card bills go for months and months and having them all canceled so that he can't pass a credit check to get an apartment.

It's a horrible way to live, being disappointed all the time.

Talking to someone can help a lot. It seems like from your post that most of your stress is coming from work. Does your work offer any assistance programs for short term counseling or referrals? Your HR/benefits department would have info on this.

My personal experience with counseling was amazing. I'm still working through it, but my eyes were really opened. As I talked, that impartial viewpoint was given, and I discovered that all of the problems of the world really WEREN'T my fault. I was to blame only for those problems that I had caused, and to blame only for my reactions to the feelings that the world elicited in me.

If you cannot find a counselor right away, continue surfing this site. Especially read through the symptoms and conditions FAQs, see if any of these descriptions ring a chord of truth with you. Then read up on it, you might find that just understanding why you feel a certain way will help you get to feeling better.

Good Luck, and peace.

December 18, 2000
11:37 am
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msg
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Thanks for ur response gingerleigh.

As for getting help from HRD, just forget it.In this country such things are unheard of.The moment they find u unfit for abrief while,u r fired.All the good work one puts in for years are promptly forgotten and he is shown the door,very unceremoniously.

I cannot find a counsellor. As u suggested I shall keep surfing this site and see if I can find a good samaritan.

Your kind words have been a source great solace.Thanks.

December 18, 2000
3:32 pm
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Cici
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Sometimes we seek to control our external life, work or home because we feel out of control in terms of our internal life (thoughts, feelings). You feel as if you can't control the emotional responses you make to various situaitons, so you seek to control what you think you CAN control, others around you, work, home.

Sometimes this is a conscious choice, most of the time it isn't. You can ask a perfectionist why they are perfectionists and they will say it's a stable trait and attribute it to personality. The thing is that a large part of your personality comes from childhood experiences and the emotional memories that are formed from them.

I have a friend who was severely abused by her father. Her younger brother even sustained minor brain damage due to head trauma from the beatings. In adulthood, she is strictly disciplined, a workaholic, a perfectionist. Therapy for her revealed that her unstable home life as a child made her have a strong desire to control her adult life so as to protect herself from the emotional pain of her childhood memories of chaos and abuse.

December 20, 2000
11:18 am
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msg
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How do I articulate my feelings?
Is it a fall in my self esteem? Home sickness? Middle age blues?Is it false prestige?Is it plain inability to smother stress?Is it loneliness?An abnormally low EQ(Emotional Quotient)?A combination of the above and more?

This is a good site indeed. You can say all irrelevent things to others without being identified. So there is no loss of face in case what you have thought is utter nonsense.

I was doing my job well. Was respected for my abilities. But I have a terrible weakness:Not being able to "manage" people.
There came in my way a young man who had his own impressions of how he should treat me. Unused to such slighting,with the inferiority complex I already sufferd from I reacted violently and temporarily subdued him.Over a period of time circumstances changed.I was not wise enough to provide for this contingency.Or, may be God wanted to teach me a lesson.I made severa professionall mistakes in a short span of time. And this young man,Whom I once considered inconsequential,took a firm grip.Now,in order to just survive,I have to make friends with him.My pride is standing in the way.The more I delay, the problems are only going to increase.It has been a terrible drain on my emotions.I feel like just giving up a good job, run away from the situtaion.Domestic, Financial and other circumstances do not permit me to just drop the sword and run away. I would be coward to do that.But how do I reconcile myself to this situation. This is a big dilemma. I am a straght forward person, very transparent. My feelings (emotions) are continously reflected on my face and my behaviour. I have inherited this from my mother perhaps.I cannot feel one thing in my heart and say entirely something else outside(Putting up faces).I don't know how I learnt that this is a "wrong" thing to do, eventhough the logical part in me tells me that this is the "Right" thing to do.(I expect this from others !!!!). Thus I am so very unsociable. Hence the lack of friends and inability to build lasting friendship.I feel like going into recluse. It is such a personal thing that no one can help me. I feel entirely lost. This is just a part of my sad (bad?) story. How I am going to live the remaining part of my life???? OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE.If only the God were available for chat on the internet!!!! I go to bed everynight pleading with God to tranform me into a "different"person overnight or to kill me in my sleep.Isn't God kind enough.

December 20, 2000
11:53 am
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Cici
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Of course that is sort of illogical, to pray to God to change you miraculousy. You're just asking for unfulfilled prayers. God doesn't do things for you, God simply listens in a way that helps you clear your mind and find your own strength. The ultimate therapist...

The things is, the reason that so many people seek therapy is because getting at the root of long-buried hang-ups is probably one of the most emotionally painful things a person can do. That's why we spend our lives avoiding it, trying to forget. What we really end up doing is just storing things in a big sack that we have to carry with us for the rest of our lives. Every time stressors come up, you "trip" and when you fall, everything that was in that bag spills out. Then, you waste time picking up all those terrible memories, putting them BACK in the bag, and resuming your slow forward progress with burdens in hand.

The idea behind finding the root cause of psychological pathology is to reach into the bag and examine your burdens, one by one. When you do this, you realize that all those terrible, heavy burdens are sand and dust. Nothing to them - they only have the power over you that you give them.

For example, I wsa molested as a child. I was so terrified of this memory that I didn't allow myself to remember until I was raped, later, and of course the memories floded back because I had fallen, and my bag of burdens had spilled out all those negative memories. I had a choice - to put them back and try to forget, or to take it out and work through it. For a few years, I put it off. Another trauma (date rape) had to occur before I finally began to try to work through my guilt, shame, anger, fear. All these years, I was anxious, over something un-nameable.

Some miasma hung over me, I was depressed, terrified, anxious. But because I wouldn't allow myself to see what had caused it, I could never get over it, with drugs, with a psychiatrist, with antidepressants.

You ask what it is that causes your emotional reactions to things - only you can answer that.

December 20, 2000
12:51 pm
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eve
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Hello MSG,

I’ve been where you seem to be. It wasn’t a lot of fun, and I’m still repeating some of my mistakes – I’m just getting quicker at catching me just in time.

I think that some of your poblems at your job are self-made, because you expect too much of yourself. I think that management training could help. It helped me a lot, just to realize that managing people, telling them what to do, teaching them how to do it, finding things to delegate and let them delegated whithout letting go of control... is HARD WORK, and you have to learn it, just like you have to learn how to use a computer or how to type). For me it is hardest to let somebody do something quietly whithout intefering when I know that I could do it better / quicker... It helps to talk about those things regularely, do you talk whith your people about what you want from them in advance, not only when something is going wrong?

You seem to disrespect your feelings (you call them irrelevant?) Feelings often ‚know‘ more about what you need that the counscious mind. I once was very stubborn in not believing my feelings (I had trouble at work, and this did’t fit whith the picture I, and a lot of other people had of myself. The consequence was that these feelings really ganged up on me and I ran into a huge depression, just stopped short of killing myself, out of injured pride – I just had to admit, that needing help and not being able to cope were a part of me, too)

You write: „How do I articulate my feelings? Is it a fall in my self esteem? Home sickness? Middle age blues?Is it false prestige?Is it plain inability to smother stress?Is it loneliness?An abnormally low EQ(Emotional Quotient)?“ I don’t think so, it’s just a severe conflict of the different interests you have. Try to sort out your priorities, calculate loss of money if you were to switch your job, imagine loss of family if your problems increase, imagine loosening some of your pride, how bad would it get? And also imagine what good things you still have, when you loose some others, relax, find new things to be proud of (facing my fears is very private, but it’s some of the things I’m most proud about)

You are stuck, but there is allways a way out. Sometimes this ‚way out‘ looks nasty, but often it’s not half as bad as it seems in advance. It’s our fears that we are most afraid of, not real things.

Take care, Eve

December 21, 2000
5:26 am
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msg
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Thanks eve and cici. I will do my best to use the good and timely advice.

Thanks again.

December 21, 2000
8:55 pm
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chook
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Dear msg, Just a word of advice, you need to learn to trust your gut instincts when dealing with a problem. I have learnt to listen with my heart and my stomach rather than my head and even though I may not like it sometimes, my gut feeling is always right. Chin up!

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