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Problem solving: Introverts vs Extroverts
June 8, 2005
4:22 pm
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angel4U
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I have a question for all of you, actually 2:

(1) When you are needing to work an issue or a problem through, do you tend to discuss it with your friends or someone else, or work it out by yourself?

(2) Do you consider yourself an introvery or extrovert?

I just had this conversation with my sister last night and told her that I usually (not always) like to talk to other people when I have an issue (the bigger ones, anyway). Not to wine, but to get another perspective or to simply share my emotions in the hopes of getting some comfort (when I am feeling really down or upset). Before and after doing so, though, I usually also think it through on my own, too. I am considered an extrovert (ESTJ on the Meyers-Briggs) and am very social.

(For those that haven't taken the Meyers-Briggs test, you can find the thread by doing a search on Meyers-Briggs.)

June 8, 2005
4:24 pm
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angel4U
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Sorry, the thread title is: "What is your Myers-Briggs type? I am INFJ"

I'll bump it up for the newbies that haven't taken it.

June 8, 2005
4:34 pm
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exoticflower
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Angel4U, I am going to take the test in a moment, I never wrote it down before, but wanted to answer your questions now quickly, in a moment of baby bliss as she naps.

1) Relationship issues I have always wanted to discuss to a point, though I have been very defensive, and until recently would not discuss the full situations or how they have made me feel. All other problems I have always worked out privately, and then when i felt I had the answers approached people for a second opinion.

2) I concider myself an extrovert superficially, but secretly I am a reserved, emotionally conservative (at times) introvert. I seem very open and chatty, but there is a seperate side to me that is well gaurded, though I am working on it:), not sure that it is always gaurded in the right ways (I stuff, and it comes out as resentment, blame, negative self-talk, etc.). I am off to take the briggs test now, I'll let you know in a bit ((((((angel)))))))), what interesting subject matter!

June 8, 2005
4:46 pm
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exoticflower
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INFJ...though I didn't think it sounded a bit like me, my roomate insisted it was dead on...

June 8, 2005
4:46 pm
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sewunique
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Angel,

Right now my life is an open book...from here on the threads and to where I am dealing with a divorce attorney, estate attorney and real estate attorney (friend). They all do not know my full life nor my full current life, but they can fill in between the lines.

I have in the past been very guarded about my personal life. Now, I am trying to not to disaclose much from a coda friend I just met who thinks I am luckier than she with getting my divorce settlement, as she had been single most of her adult life. Hohem, sigh. But, for problems I too like to sort things out with friends, different situations with different friends. Sometimes I will talk about it and the solution comes to me and I tell them that and thanks for listeneing, that I just needed to sort things out.

Other big issues we need help with like not letting the foreclosure hapening. Other times I will bring up a subject to discuss and not to personalize when we talk, which may very well be about something close to what I am working on myself. So ir depends.

Cannot remember my scoring, should go back to it and save the results, hey?

Like EF, I am more extrovert, tho I used to be terribly shy. But many of my secret issues I like to keep to myself. I am one who over thinks and over analyzes, but this has been a trait of mine since little, always asking how and why the stars and moon is as it is and how the circulatory system works, and so on. Now it is for self discovery and learing, so it is a good thing if not taken too far with over analyzing problems. To the test.....

June 8, 2005
4:58 pm
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sewunique
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ENFP
Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
slightly expressed extrovert

moderately expressed intuitive personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

slightly expressed perceiving personality

June 8, 2005
5:13 pm
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on my way
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I scored ENFP, but last time I took this test about 3months ago, I scored INFP with strong feelings, strong intuitive, more judgemental than anything else....so, there has been some growth here for me!! 🙂

ENFP:
You are:
slightly expressed extrovert

moderately expressed intuitive personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

slightly expressed judging personality

June 8, 2005
5:14 pm
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lollipop3
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I haven't looked at the introvert/extrovert thread yet, but I can say that I am an open book....not with everyone mind you, but especially with my best friend. I tend to tell her all the gory details about my relationship (not the sex, that's one subject we don't discuss), but then when things are better in my relationship...I feel guilty and think..."maybe I shouldn't have told her that." Followed by ...."next time I should deal with this myself".....when next time comes.....open book again.

I sometimes wish I would learn to deal with things myself, or with my therapist instead of dishing to my friend.

That's just one more thing I need to work on, I guess.

Lolli

June 8, 2005
5:20 pm
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exoticflower
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Lolli, that's funny--by best friend and I are like you imagine jocks in the locker room--we talk ALL the gorey details! Size, technique, serious blushing material. ANd she has a mouth like a trucker, to top it off! I'm not sure why, I guess I am decensotized to sex because I had so much reliance on it to define me when I was young--Wow, extrovert now, aren't I?!

June 8, 2005
5:27 pm
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lollipop3
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I would be mortified if my friend ever told me the size of her husband's *****.

I'm embarrassed just thinking about it.

Lolli

June 8, 2005
5:38 pm
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angel4U
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lolli - Why do you feel like you shouldn't have told her? Do you think she is now going to judge you? And would a true friend really ever do that?

I ask because that's how I feel with some people, and I am finding that's exactly what is happening. They never question why I made the decision to give it another try, they just look down on me (and others). Usually when I go to people, it's to get their opinion or perception, not to have them make a decision for me or for me to think I have to take their advise. I sometimes feel afterwards though, when I don't follow their guidance, that they don't respect me enough to be capable of making my own decisions. I'm not a child, and I hate being controlled, but that's what it feels like when they judge me for not doing what they thought was the right thing.

Maybe it is human nature for some people that are not living in the other person's shoes to make a judgement call based on the limited knowledge we share with them and what they have experienced? (e.g. I share that I think a new friend has a drinking problem but decide to stay in the relationship with some distance for awhile longer because she said she was getting help. Their reaction, she's an alcoholic, everyone knows it, and you are stupid and disrespecting yourself for not just walking away from them.)

The rest of my life is pretty well in tact, so it's not that I am an entire mess and they are really concerned about alot of bad decisions I am making and trying to help me either. They seem to only nit pick at what they see as wrong in their eyes, and they attack. And I am at a point that I no longer want to share my personal stuff with anyone ... because they seem more happy and content when everything I share with them is peachy and rosey. I have had this problem for awhile with people, hence, why I came to AAC. And it's why I asked the question too. I am wondering if this is normal, or are these people really not good friends.

June 8, 2005
6:00 pm
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angel4U
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btw - I am learning that these same people I am referring to are "very strong" at refusing to hear the opinions/advise of others, especially the single women when it comes to a guy they are interested in or dating. I am not the type of person to tell anyone what to do, so I find it interesting that they do. Maybe they are worried about being judged, so they judge first?

June 8, 2005
6:03 pm
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on my way
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angel...just sounds like they do not repect anyone's opinions but their own..for reasons unknown.

But in my own learning experiences, I hav picked the same people as what I learned as a child, so do any of the characteristics raining down on you from others remind you of anyone in particular from your past?

June 8, 2005
6:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Angel,

Actually, she does not judge me, at least she doesn't let on if she does. She has gotten frustrated once or twice but who could blame her.

I think it's more about MY embarrassment than anything.

Lolli

June 8, 2005
6:36 pm
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angel4U
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Umm, well, yeah ... like almost everyone in my family does this! And I think that's why it bugs me and confuses me at the same time! I start to wonder "is this just normal and I'm the one not getting it?" Or am I maybe sharing too much information with people, and they are feeling like I am asking them to take control.

I actually stood up to someone recently that I consider a good friend because she was "playing mom" with me when we were out with a group. I asked her nicely but directly to stop 2 times and she seemed to get slightly frustrated. So I shared with her that I know she cares and that's why she was jumping in, but that I was perfectly capable of handling the situation and making my own decisions about a particular situation, and if I needed her input I would ask her.

The next day she called to talk about it, and I found out that she went to another friend of hers to ask her if she was wrong at her approach with me, and discovered through our conversation that she shared with her friend something I had shared with her privately. I didn't like that she did this, and also have the opinion that if I didn't like it, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

When I tried to discuss my feelings about it further, she got defensive, and then said "then please don't tell me anymore about this situation". I said 9again) "I know you care about me, and I am sensing that that is why you are worried that I might do the wrong thing. And when I come to you, it's for support and advise, and I very much appreciate you. But I feel that whatever choice I make, it really is mine to make, noone elses. And I hope that I can be allowed to make my own decisions, and that you could respect them ... even if you don't agree with them. Just as I would do for you."

I am not getting the feeling that this went over that well with her, which is sad. And I am wondering if she needs to feel that control to feel important, or if she likes to feel like she is protecting me (e.g. maybe she is co-dependent ... =) ... she is the caretaker of her mom, and has shared with me that her other friends have called her motherly in the past, and she responded with the same response "then don't ask for my advise" ... whichh is why I deliberatly told her that I did not ask her, and would if I felt I needed her help.

Sigh, this is all too much work! ... =)

June 8, 2005
6:44 pm
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lollipop3
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My friend knows that I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do and it really doesn't matter much what her advice is. As I said, sometimes she gets frustrated and says "I just don't understand why you put up with it" but then she follows with...."I'm sorry, I really do understand".

One thing about her though, is that she is very honest with me, which I appreciate and I understand comes from a place of love.

She knows that I'm venting more than I'm asking for advice so she usually just listens.

Lolli

June 8, 2005
6:56 pm
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exoticflower
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SO good to have a friend lile that lolli...my best friend says 'pleasem take me for granted' all the time...makes me laugh, but I guess is true to some degree of both of us!

June 8, 2005
7:04 pm
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angel4U
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lolli - That's how I am, and that's what I appreciate in other's too. I usually will say "I don't get why, but I do know it's your choice and I will support you in whatever decision you make." People KNOW I am like this, and that's what I am looking for in others ... not this motherly, control stuff! This is the 2nd person I had considered a close friend (the first was my controlling boss friend that I no longer talk to) that has been this way with me that I had to confront.

They didn't start out this way, it took awhile. They were perfectly fine when everything with me was all hunky dorey, and I almost feel that this is what they expect from me and why they have me in their lives ... to balance out the other people in their lives that are draining them.

But I'm not always strong, and would just LOVE to be able to get weak a little and vent or ask advise without having to worry about someone trying to take control or judge me. I don't see how else you can build deeper connections with people if you don't feel comfortable sharing the deeper parts of yourself either, so it's a Catch 22 for me.

Another big Sigh ... but coming to this site has helped tremendously, so it's not a total loss ... =)) ...

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