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PRISONER
July 18, 2005
5:00 pm
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duckiebobette
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I feel like a caged bird. I'm not getting my linsence back till december for a DUI, so I have to depend on others to give me rides to work and school, because there is no bus stop neat my house. Yes I screwed up and I realize I'm paying for what I did, I've definatly learned my lesson. I'm 20 years old, and I'm not moving out till next school year, I have another year left to live at home with my unhappy mother who tries to live through me becuase she is unhappy with the marraige between her and my father. I am the driven middle child. My brother is a pot head and border line alcoholic 18 yrs old, and my half sister is 26; she too is very unhappy like my mother... she is raising her boyfriend. 6 months aso I got out of a year and a half relatonship with an alcoholic, and I am trying to find myself still, I do not want to turn out like my sister, or mother. I starting dating another guy, and he is kind, handsome, open, but very lazy, undriven. I depend on him for rides, but he depends on me for money and food..... he is 25 still live s with his alcoholic parents, and is on probabtion for selling perscription drugs, works under the table 10 dollar an hour building cabinets, tried to have sex with me in my sleep, and then said that he thought my body was responding and thought I was awake, got mad at me and punched his windshield and cracked it into a spider web shape because I was bugging him. He does a lot for me, but I dont' really want to date him anymore. Well my mother said (knowing all thats went on) that he is a diamond in the making, and shes worried that I like assholes like my ex... This is her way of saying "stay with the current guy because I like him, and I think hes perfect." He is just like my dad, and I donnot want to go through what my mom did with him. But she cant even see that... My dad is not a bad guy he is just a child sometimes, and not in the good ways. I'm soooooo fucking irritated I cant even describe it in words so.... when I can I'lll explain more....

Help me out if you can, any advice please? I'm about to crack... I feel like I am loosing not only my driving privledges but but identity, and sanity as well. I NEED MY MOTHER TO GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK AND LIVE HER OWN FRIGGIN LIFE!!!!!!!!!;lkjzrelk;nhrgfghg;jgf;ndrgjkf;mrn;kl

GRRrrrrrrr!~

I am sufficating

July 18, 2005
5:04 pm
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duckiebobette
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I HATE FEELING PUSHED INTO A MOLD WHEN I DON"T FIT INTO IT.....

MISERY LOVES COMPANY AND SHE IS MISERABLE

July 18, 2005
6:02 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Duckie:

Take a step back and breath hon. In the nose and out the mouth. Deep slow breaths.

I so know what you mean by a caged bird and having to depend on others. I cannot drive anymore due to an illness. It totally stinks.

As for the new boyfriend. Honey, if he is gonna get violent with the windshield then what does the future hold for you? If you don't want to live like your mom then get out of the relationship now. Abuse doesn't usually stop; it escalates. Next time it might be you he punches.

I'm sorry for the home situation you are having to endure. My prayers are with you and I do hope you get out soon.

July 18, 2005
7:19 pm
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duckiebobette
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Thank you MamaC....
I'm feeling better now, I just wish that I didnt have to live here anymore. Although my dad isnt a good partner to my mom (he doesnt cheat on her or anything he is just over weight and never wants to have sex with her. Why she tells me these things I do not know. I wish she would leave me out of it). My dad is a great father, and a loving man, and I hate it when she talks so bad about him... She said the only reason she stayed with him is for his income.... anyway I'll explain more in detail later.... I have to go to Summer school my ride is here!

BRB

Thank you so much Mamac.. xoxox, DB

July 19, 2005
12:26 am
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mamacinnamon
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Duckie:

Have you ever told your mom you don't want to hear her badmouth your dad? I have said that to my mom. Usually to her getting mad, but hey, she gets over it and it is not ok to badmouth a child's mom or dad to them whether they are together or divorced or whatever. Sure is sad how grownups act at times isn't it. Makes ya wish you would never grow up; but we all make mistakes. The deal is whether we learn from our mistakes or whether we remain in the old sick patterns. I can see you as a mover. You may have to bide your time for a year, but you will make it and you will do just fine.

Oh, and please, don't ever stay in an abusive relationship. It's truly not worth the hurt.

If you'd like to talk more, I'm in and out.

July 20, 2005
9:08 pm
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duckiebobette
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She seems to be doing fine right now. It just seems like I'm not allowed to have a bad day. For seven years MamaC I suffered an eating disorder, This August I'll be recovered 100%. My therapist says that a lot of it was triggered by my mothers overbearing smothering, no boundaries behavior. She came from an extremely abusive household, got therapy for it.... but not enough. Now the only time she'll go back is when there is crisis. If I were to tell her to back off a little she would cut me off, not forever but for a very long time. Her coping skills are similar to those of an awkward adolestant... very defensive. She is never wrong. This house is run like the mafia, and she is the leader... she's got our backs until we decide to go our own ways, and if it is a way she disagrees with then she tries hard to tighten the leash with manipulation, and guilt... "Why would you do this type of thing to me?" Me me me.... Why me? I am a different person than she is, but so badly she wants me to be like her. She wants to live through me, because she lost her childhood very early... She raised her brother and sister, and couldnt make her own mistakes. I'm worried I might turn out like her, but not worried to the point of no return. I know my boundaries, I am not as reactionary as her, and althought she can be a tiny bit verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive.... I havent gone through what she did... so I will be better off... because I'm keeping a watchful eye on my behavior, and how I act and re-act in relationships. I just want to be free!!! I just want my own personal freedom... I am mine... and I want everyone to know that.

Thanks mamaC for taking time out of your day to check this site out. Your words mean a lot to many people here.

xoxo, DB

If you have any advice I am open to listen.., or read. 🙂

July 20, 2005
9:17 pm
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on my way
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hi duckie,
from your posts you sound like you are a very intelligent, driven, perceptive young lady. you are learning at a very young age what you want and do not want. not ot many 20 year olds know this about themselves, so good for you!

i agree with mamac, maybe tell your mom you love her, but that you cannot bear to hear anymore aobiut your dad, etc. maybe tell her that at 20 yrs. old you do not know the answers to these problems and hat sometimes it hurts you to listen.

my middle son is 21, he got a DUI when he was 19. his license was suspended for a year, but he has a 5 yr probationary period, which is ok, he does not drink anymore. but the stress of it all has been very hard for him. but he has moved through it, you will too. i know it is hard for you right now, but it will pass , maybe keep that in mind for yourself?

i also agree with mamac in regard to your boyfriend you have now.

July 21, 2005
8:03 pm
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duckiebobette
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On my way.... Thank you so much for your supportive words. They arent kidding when they say they'll take your lisence away for a whole year! Its no good... I know I've learned my lesson though. I feel almost like a prostitute for rides when it comes to the relationship I have with the current guy well call him T. I feel like I am an old soul (I know things about myself that a lot of people my age don't know about themselves), and I try hard to roll with the punches... When the goin gets tough the tough get goin.... but see I could go if I was driving. But, I almost feel as is my mother is also using him, and manipulating me to keep him around so SHE doesnt have to take me to my jobs every weekend (I'm a childrens entertainer for birthday parties... princess, hula girl, ballerina fairy princess, Dora, Thomas the train ect....). This job is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am not going to give it up... Its hard on me though. I don't feel for T the way I know I will for someone special in the future, whoever that may be. I don't have a deep soul connection with him, he is not into what I am into, he is not at all creative, he is not driven, he does not go to school, he is just not for me. I am not feeling it. But we are still hooking up... I'm trying to stop it, but I almost feel obligated because he takes me everywhere I need to be. I almost what to call my ex and tell him all about my aweful soul stealing situation, but he probably wouldnt do much to make me feel better, so its just as well if I didnt, he would probably make me feel worse about it. YUCK!!! I hate feeling trapped. I cannot do this very much longer. My mother has a handle on it, but it might get to the point where I'm going to have to fight with her about it.... there really is no other way around it... I know her... shes really crazy... and really manipulative. It sucks because I let her in a little bit to give advice and she takes a hol;d of the whole situation... in a matter of seconds... how she does it I dont know... well she probably feels like she has the right to because shes my taxi till December. CUSS WORD CUSS WORD CUSS WORD!!!!!!

Sorry... I'm frustrated. I need my space. She calls me twenty times a day practically to she what I'm doing for her. I'm going to get into it with her soon... I feel the heat rising, and its not goin to be pretty.

Wish me luck!

Thank you for your advice... hopefully I can sustain myself... my temper is good until I'm taking advantage of. I feel like I am... and I feel guilty for doing this to myself.

God Bless us all.

Thank you, DB

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