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PrettierOnTheInside
June 6, 2010
11:08 am
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Poetry
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i have 2 boyfriend that i cant choose between

June 6, 2010
11:36 am
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StronginHim77
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If you are just dating (with no sex involved), I don't think it's a problem. There is nothing wrong with dating different people, as long as you keep it uncomplicated and focus on the fun activities you enjoy with each.

- Ma Strong

June 6, 2010
11:37 am
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StronginHim77
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You have two threads going. I am going to paste your other thread here, to help other posters get the Big Picture.

- Ma Strong

Poetry
6-Jun-10

I had a boyfriend for about two years. he was physically abusive, and controlling. he went to jail for domestic violence against me. while he was gone i started anew relationship with someone else and now iam confused with who i want to be with. i love them both but if i continue to see both i will lose both. should i be with the one who abused me but changed his ways after being locked up?, who has 3 children by other women? or should i choose the new one that is never abused me has no children?, that i think is unfaithful?

June 6, 2010
12:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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I think you should dump both of them and consider some counseling. Find out why you are attracted to such toxic men.

- Ma

June 6, 2010
12:47 pm
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chinadoll
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Prettier,

Neither one of them sounds like a good choice.

My ex-husband was very abusive to me. He almost killed me twice. You don't want it to get to that point if you stay with that kind of man. He does not love you if he chooses to hurt you. His having changed his ways after being locked up is very short-lived. If he does not get counseling or some kind of help for himself, he will go back to his old ways especially after he gets stressed out. You are not going to feel safe if you are waiting for the next blow up.

A man who is unfaithful, you don't want, as you will never be able to build the kind of trust that you need for an intimate relationship. And what I mean by intimate, is not about sex, but having a deep bond where you feel protected and safe. You should feel that there are no doubts in your mind. If you feel or know that he is being unfaithful, then you are already having doubts.

I am not trying to criticize you, I am speaking from experience. And since on your other thread (that Ma pasted) you are asking for help, I am only trying to give you some things to think about.

My ex-husband was abusive and cheated on me, and I had other long-term boyfriends in the past (one I was supposed to marry) cheat on me, so I know the pain that you are going thru.

After my ex-husband left me (which turned out to be a blessing), I spent quite a long time alone...on purpose. I spent the time working on myself and healing from the abuse and getting back my self-confidence. My self-esteem is pretty good now. There are days when I struggle with it, but overall, I am much happier than I have ever been.

I am now in a new relationship, but we started as friends. It's not a rebound. We took time to get to know each other before agreeing that we would not date anyone else. My boyfriend had been cheated on by his ex-wife, so we both know that this is something we will not tolerate.

He is also not the type to blow up or get mad. He told me that if he ever felt the need to yell at me for any reason, he would break up with me first. He knows that it really hurts me to be yelled at, since my ex yelled at me all the time, for no reason and for any reason. My boyfriend has never raised his voice to me or showed me any anger, even when I have done something that is sometimes a little embarrassing, not meaning to. It's not his way to yell and scream.

My boyfriend has a son from his previous marriage. I have not ever dated very many men that have children. At first, I didn't think I would. After I met my boyfriend, it was not an issue. they are package deal, and I had to decide if I was willing to include him, since there is no choice to be made. After all, this is his child. After I met his son, and saw what a good and sweet kid he is, it does not bother me that I am not his Mom. And I am not trying to be his Mom, because he has one. I would care for him just as much as if he were my own.

The best thing that you could do (which I did this myself when I was unattached) is to decide what you will and will not tolerate when you are in a relationship. Decide what your ultimate dealbreakers are. It could be something simple, like for me, I cannot tolerate smoking. It makes my headache. So I will not date a smoker. Or a liar, or cheater, or abusive man. Just think to yourself about what you want and need. Then decide what qualities you want, like compassionate, patient, emotionally stable.

This helps to weed out the guys that don't fit with what you want. So rather than just putting up with bad behavior, just to have a man in your life, you are telling yourself...I am worth more, and I don't deserve this bad behavior.

All this love you are seeking from these men, give it back to yourself. My boyfriend & I have not said "I love you" to each other yet. We care about each other a great deal, but we feel that those words are too strong to be said lightly. We are taking our time.

Don't put any man above yourself. Take care of yourself and enjoy what life brings you. One day you will find the right one. I just don't think that either one of these guys are it.

Just my opinion.

Good luck!

June 6, 2010
2:10 pm
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Poetry
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THANKS FOR YOUR HELP. I DO NEED TAKE THE ENERGY I USE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE AND USE THAT ENERGY TO FOCUS ON MYSELF.

June 6, 2010
3:27 pm
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StronginHim77
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China -

Just want to tell you how much I got from your posting. It's really good and will help alot of us.

- Ma Strong

June 6, 2010
6:03 pm
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chinadoll
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Thanks Ma.

If it saves another woman from having to go thru everything I did, it's worth it.

That's all we can do is help each other. Many of us were not taught when younger what a healthy relationship is. I had to go thru the bad to know the good.

And I appreciate the good so much more because of the bad. Life is too precious and short...and I'm getting to the age where I don't have time to waste on those kinds of men that don't know a common decency.

None of us have time to waste being unhappy and with pain in our hearts.

{{Ma}}

{{Hugs to all}}

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Poetry
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i
have 2 boyfriend that i cant choose between

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If
you are just dating (with no sex involved), I don't think it's a
problem. There is nothing wrong with dating different people, as
long as you keep it uncomplicated and focus on the fun activities
you enjoy with each.

- Ma
Strong

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You
have two threads going. I am going to paste your other thread here,
to help other posters get the Big Picture.

- Ma
Strong

Poetry
6-Jun-10

I had a boyfriend
for about two years. he was physically abusive, and controlling. he
went to jail for domestic violence against me. while he was gone i
started anew relationship with someone else and now iam confused
with who i want to be with. i love them both but if i continue to
see both i will lose both. should i be with the one who abused me
but changed his ways after being locked up?, who has 3 children by
other women? or should i choose the new one that is never abused me
has no children?, that i think is unfaithful?

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
think you should dump both of them and consider some counseling.
Find out why you are attracted to such toxic men.

- Ma

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Prettier,

Neither one of
them sounds like a good choice.

My ex-husband was
very abusive to me. He almost killed me twice. You don't want it to
get to that point if you stay with that kind of man. He does not
love you if he chooses to hurt you. His having changed his ways
after being locked up is very short-lived. If he does not get
counseling or some kind of help for himself, he will go back to his
old ways especially after he gets stressed out. You are not going
to feel safe if you are waiting for the next blow up.

A man who is
unfaithful, you don't want, as you will never be able to build the
kind of trust that you need for an intimate relationship. And what
I mean by intimate, is not about sex, but having a deep bond where
you feel protected and safe. You should feel that there are no
doubts in your mind. If you feel or know that he is being
unfaithful, then you are already having doubts.

I am not trying to
criticize you, I am speaking from experience. And since on your
other thread (that Ma pasted) you are asking for help, I am only
trying to give you some things to think about.

My ex-husband was
abusive and cheated on me, and I had other long-term boyfriends in
the past (one I was supposed to marry) cheat on me, so I know the
pain that you are going thru.

After my
ex-husband left me (which turned out to be a blessing), I spent
quite a long time alone...on purpose. I spent the time working on
myself and healing from the abuse and getting back my
self-confidence. My self-esteem is pretty good now. There are days
when I struggle with it, but overall, I am much happier than I have
ever been.

I am now in a new
relationship, but we started as friends. It's not a rebound. We
took time to get to know each other before agreeing that we would
not date anyone else. My boyfriend had been cheated on by his
ex-wife, so we both know that this is something we will not
tolerate.

He is also not the
type to blow up or get mad. He told me that if he ever felt the
need to yell at me for any reason, he would break up with me first.
He knows that it really hurts me to be yelled at, since my ex
yelled at me all the time, for no reason and for any reason. My
boyfriend has never raised his voice to me or showed me any anger,
even when I have done something that is sometimes a little
embarrassing, not meaning to. It's not his way to yell and
scream.

My boyfriend has a
son from his previous marriage. I have not ever dated very many men
that have children. At first, I didn't think I would. After I met
my boyfriend, it was not an issue. they are package deal, and I had
to decide if I was willing to include him, since there is no choice
to be made. After all, this is his child. After I met his son, and
saw what a good and sweet kid he is, it does not bother me that I
am not his Mom. And I am not trying to be his Mom, because he has
one. I would care for him just as much as if he were my
own.

The best thing
that you could do (which I did this myself when I was unattached)
is to decide what you will and will not tolerate when you are in a
relationship. Decide what your ultimate dealbreakers are. It could
be something simple, like for me, I cannot tolerate smoking. It
makes my headache. So I will not date a smoker. Or a liar, or
cheater, or abusive man. Just think to yourself about what you want
and need. Then decide what qualities you want, like compassionate,
patient, emotionally stable.

This helps to weed
out the guys that don't fit with what you want. So rather than just
putting up with bad behavior, just to have a man in your life, you
are telling yourself...I am worth more, and I don't deserve this
bad behavior.

All this love you
are seeking from these men, give it back to yourself. My boyfriend
& I have not said "I love you" to each other yet. We care about
each other a great deal, but we feel that those words are too
strong to be said lightly. We are taking our time.

Don't put any man
above yourself. Take care of yourself and enjoy what life brings
you. One day you will find the right one. I just don't think that
either one of these guys are it.

Just my
opinion.

Good
luck!

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Poetry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP. I DO NEED TAKE THE ENERGY I USE TO WORRY
ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE AND USE THAT ENERGY TO FOCUS ON
MYSELF.

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

China
-

Just want to tell
you how much I got from your posting. It's really good and will
help alot of us.

- Ma
Strong

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Ma.

If it saves
another woman from having to go thru everything I did, it's worth
it.

That's all we can
do is help each other. Many of us were not taught when younger what
a healthy relationship is. I had to go thru the bad to know the
good.

And I appreciate
the good so much more because of the bad. Life is too precious and
short...and I'm getting to the age where I don't have time to waste
on those kinds of men that don't know a common decency.

None of us have
time to waste being unhappy and with pain in our hearts.

{{Ma}}

{{Hugs to
all}}

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