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pretending
March 19, 2010
11:01 am
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alienme
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Yesterday my siblings buried the man the law calls my father. I did not attend the service. I could not. I have no feelings in me for him and haven't for many many years. I did attend the family dinner at my older sister's house afterwards. I felt like an alien within my own family. Most of them were upset, some even angry with me. They thought I should have gone to the service and at least pretended to be there to mourn. How can they ask that of me? He raped me weekly for 4 years!

March 19, 2010
11:13 am
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dudeguy
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The wicked man!! Did he ever ask for your forgiveness?

March 19, 2010
11:42 am
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atalose
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First I want to say how strong and courageous that was on your part NOT to attend this person’s burial service. There was no pretending with your actions, you made it very clear what you thought of him by not attending.

Not sure what your current relationship is with your siblings or what they know or don’t know regarding your father.

It sounds to me that you have found the strength and courage to break free from the dysfunctional circle of your family and now you are standing on healthier ground looking in rather then being all caught up in the middle of the picture.

They ask you to pretend because that is where they are at – DENIAL – and they may stay there for ever. I know it must hurt that you don’t get the validation you seek from your siblings or the understanding but you need to keep reminding yourself – you are seeking something from people who are not capable of giving you that and they may never be. We can only heal ourselves, keep doing the right next step and if interacting with your siblings is too hurtful for you, then don’t, limit that as best you can.

Can I ask, what made you feel compelled to attend the family dinner in light of the fact you chose not to attend the burial? Did you feel you would receive a different kind of outcome then what you actually received?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 19, 2010
2:20 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am sorry...I will one day have to go through that ordeal and I am not looking forward to it, at least for now you have that behind you, he is dead and you will not have to do this again thank god, I am sure they are angry with you, you spoke the truth, you did the healthy thing, oh that is never liked much by the ones who live in denial, oh how they hate you for that and always will, please try to surround yourself with things and people who are nice, do kind things for yourself, stay far as way as you can from them...they need you to put down, cause that is how they can live with themselves, do not let them hurt you, take the power back from them, you need to heal and need help from further abuse, glad your here:) Be well...

March 20, 2010
5:10 am
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gettnthere
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September 29, 2010
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Why are family so effed up? I am so sorry you don't have the support from them. I think what us worse after the fact of abuse is the trial by fire you have to endure from those who you would expect love and security from. This is awful. You are amazing though. You faced your family. At least for your benefit you were able to go and see for yourself that his life on this planet is over. Although you didn't go to the funeral, you acknowledged his death in your own way. That took amazing courage and strength. Pity your family can't appreciate that about your character. But one day some or all of them will. I guess one day they might not but you at least can admire yourself for that. And there is nothing stopping you if you felt the need to go and visit him when you are ready and even giving him a piece of your mind- letter or just tell him. He isn't going anywhere. Have you been to see a therapist who deals specifically with rape and family sexual abuse. This could also help... Good on you! You've got guts.

March 20, 2010
8:47 pm
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LouWho
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September 24, 2010
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It is funny how some people can live in the same house and ignore what goes on.

When I look at what some people think of as "family loyality" I long for being an orphan. Clearly they are so tied up in denial during this crisis/turmoil, that they can only strike out at the easiest target. You. It is a fairly common occurrence. It's textbook dysfunctional behavior. And it's their problem.

Sorry you had to be put through all the hell you have been through. There is little you can do about their illness. Focus on you and taking care of yourself. If you haven't seen anyone, then it is time to do something about it.

Piss on them; Care for you, and let God take care of them. He's a bit better at handling that kind of thing.

I wish you all the best.

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