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Preparations for an update From Soofoo (lovin life, spanky please read?)
June 20, 2008
10:22 am
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soofoo
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September 24, 2010
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I was reading my June 5th thread and it is very helpful to me. I will pull it up again and again. I regret that I overreacted to lovin life's post. I can see that it was not intended to hurt me. At the time it felt like salt on a wound and I am still not sure why. One thought is that I have not had good results from counseling and I have been to counseling many times. I have a habit of proving to the counselor how happy and healthy I am ( because of fear) and being sent away, told that I'm doing great. Never really getting much help. My family and friends were totally shocked at my suicide attempt three years ago. Because I really acted like nothing was wrong, even hours before the actual attempt, I was talking to my sister telling her humorous self-deprecating stories. I made sure I had her laughing before I hung up. I can feel a sudden defensive fear and protectiveness when I sense that someone knows I'm vulnerable. That's why it 's so good for me to come here. I'm anonymous so I can be vulnerable and really face my feelings. I don't have to worry about being seen as weak which is one of my big fears. I don't worry as much about not appearing strong to you. Not being as guarded has it's downfall though, as I may react in anger or fear to something that would ordinarily arouse some silliness in me.

I've made a decision to delay responding if someone arouses some feeling of fear, pain or anger in me. I want to allow some time to gain some perspective before I respond. I may think I am responding to you, but really be responding to my own feelings. I hope this will prevent me from damaging my relationships here. I don't want to prevent honest posters who want to say something from saying something because they don't want to incur my wrath. So I offer this post as an olive branch, with no silliness and no anger. My love to you, soofoo.

June 20, 2008
10:46 am
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lovin life
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(((soofoo)))

i was not offended by your reaction to my post. i didn't respond, however, because you asked me not to post to you. i was respecting the boundary you set. (working on my shit here!)

i will admit i am a counseling-whore!! but that's because i love my counselor. she is great...and she helped set me free. i know there are lots of bad ones out there as with any profession. i might push it too much around here, but it's coming from a good place in me wishing everyone could find the same experience.

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