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Predictable circles of confusion
September 8, 2005
3:50 pm
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notsoperki
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The story is, my boyfriend told me of a girl that liked him at work. She kept calling him and asking him to do things with her. He always turned her down or managed to find other co-workers to go with them sometimes even me. I told him that I didn't like her because she was decietful, knowing full well we were together. We haven't talked about her for a long time, but i passed her on my way to work the other day and I just lothed her. I told him that I saw her and that I was still very angry and disturbed by her. He asked me why do you hate her so much. HELLO!! I explained it to him once before but he didn't seem to get it. Now he's acting funny since i mentioned it and asked me when my next counciling appointment is and if I was ok...as if I was going to hurt myself or something. I'm not even on any medication. I have a right to not like someone that was trying to break up my relationship aren't i? Why does he make me feel like i'm not allowed to dislike any of his friends. and yes he still calls her his friend. So the circle is..i opened my mouth and gave an opinion..i don't get the reaction i hoped for..i think he's acting funny..so now i feel i have to fix something..i'm stressed..they're may be nothing wrong but if he doesn't call me back right away i think somethings wrong...I need to fix it...and it's not getting fixed yet and im just stressed. is there any help with this circle?!

September 8, 2005
4:09 pm
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Anonymous
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not until you get to counseling or a 12 step meeting like CODA.

you need to learn to control your "control issues".

yes, you have a right to feel resentment towards this person you feel was hurtful in your relationship.

however, he does not have to feel the same way - his views are his.

and this is where it hurts - and we can't fix it - and then we fight to make him see it our way - and the fights start to brew and then when they don't respond or stay away, we stew and think it's a huge issue and obsess and get all kinds of crazy thoughts in our heads, think things are happening that aren't.

do I have the right idea here?

the only way out is to control your reactions - yeah, you can feel your feelings - but once you put them on the table, you have to control the rest of your reactions - you can't control his - you can only control yours.

he got defensive, cuz you got defensive, it's a cycle.

and the only way to break it, is for one of you to break it - maybe he should - but he won't - which is why he threw it back in your lap to go to counseling - thinking if you go, you will "fix" yourself and keep your thoughts to yourself, or vent them to someone else, instead of him - maybe he thinks the therapist would tell you that your thoughts were irrational.

in the end - therapy is best for YOU - cuz you need to end the cycle - and you are the only one who can - short of him dumping you completely or going to therapy himself - which doesn't seem likely cuz he seems to think the problem is all yours....he is blaming and excuse making.

go to therapy - but do it for you - to learn how to let go and not react when he goes back at you in defense.

you may fix your relationship, or end it - but in the end, you will be a better person yourself - that's all that really counts.

September 8, 2005
4:35 pm
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notsoperki
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i believe you have hit the nail on the head. It is so tuff to think about fixing it let alone actually fixing it. I have been in counciling for over a year because of a previous HORRIBLY mentally abusive relationship. which i believe i'm still recovering from. Now i'm constantly scared that i'm ruining this relationship with everything that I say and do. I am always worried that i'm going to cause the demise of it..which murphy's law claims I will.

September 8, 2005
4:38 pm
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Anonymous
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you may be in this relationship in effort to revive and fix your last relationship.

someone said here that we often get into relationships similar to the ones we failed at before - whether in childhood or adulthood - in effort to relive the experience and "do it right" this time - or fix it, when we couldn't before.

you said this happened before and you aren't truly over it - perhaps you are seeking out a similar situation in effort to do it right this time.

botton line is - only you can stop the cycle.

you are aware of it - that's a good first step - now you have to break it - which is the HARDEST part.

keep talking here, perhaps we can help more.

September 8, 2005
9:35 pm
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HOLLY BERRY
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September 29, 2010
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Sweet notsoperki - how I want to help. Maybe by helping I can help myself. alicat has some good advice. It took me 35 years to realizeone of life's most profound lessons, as she mentioned earlier,

YOU CAN NOT CONTROL OTHER PEOLPLE, You can only control your reaction to them.

ANOTHER LESSON...
We do the best we can do and that is all we can do,,,,,even if it isn't the same as "someone else's" best. "Your best" - keep trying to make it even more "BEST" i.e. BETTER!

September 9, 2005
10:18 am
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notsoperki
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Thank you HB for your insight.

These problems I have stress me out so bad..but apparently that might be a good thing accourding to an article written on MSNBC.COM saying a study being done may prove that Stress may ward off Breast cancer.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to be this person i am right now. When did I develop these traits of inaddequecy. When my boyfriend sounds tired on the phone and not into the conversation I think that he hates me so I over do my "kindness" which i think drives him nuts. Then I sit and worry until we talk again so that I know everything is ok. Did all of this develop after a year and a half of a terrible relationship...or is it from childhood.

I remember when I was young and I even do it now..I could NEVER disappoint my parents or anyone for that matter. When I heard that tone in their voice that they weren't happy with me or I let them down for some reason, I freak out and get super depressed until they tell me that everything is fine.

what could have happened to make me turn out like this?!

September 9, 2005
10:29 am
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Anonymous
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so many things could have.

did you parents have any addictions? were either of your parents mentally unstable? were you ever told "stop crying like a baby" or "don't discuss family problems outside the house" or "we will not discuss this" or "your feelings dont matter".

pick up codependent no more by melody beatty or women who love too much by nora roberts.

they go into how the seeds got planted - actually any book on codependency will help you realize where it all started.

sometimes just being the oldest in the family does it - the striving to be perfect - to not rock the boat - to not create a mess - to not be a kid.

I found myself doing the same thing today - my BF sounded down and he IS down, and freaking out, and not sure why he is - but I know damn well why he is - but he is crabby and didn't want to talk - and I had to talk myself down - talk myself into believing he is NOT mad at me - he is NOT crabbing at me - he created this stress and it's his own mess and he will have to deal with it - and I won't let his bad mood ruin my day or weekend. But it does get to me - and I have to work hard to put it aside, and not take it personally.

each day is a new day and each day is a new step in the right direction - just keep telling yourself that.

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