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porn
July 10, 2000
12:53 pm
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lola
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I am a very beautiful woman. I was a stripper when I met my husband. Now I am just a normal girl who I think I am very Sexy and in great shape. My problem is my husband likes to surf the web for porn sights. I don't understand this. I even think he is looking for somthing else. It realy hurts my feeling and I feel as if he is cheating. I pretend I don't know what hes doing but I am not stupid. Is this a normal thing to like to look at all these girls. I don't mind when were together, but why does he have to always do it by him self. To me it seems like some kind of sick addiction. Hopefully a theripist will read this. Any advice will help!!

July 10, 2000
1:10 pm
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Beautiful
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We are kind of in the same situation, but my husband likes the magazines. I need advice too. I am confident about myself and my husband doing the right thing, but I just think he doesn't need to do this because we are married now!

I wish I could help you, but I am learning too!

July 10, 2000
5:35 pm
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janes
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Talking with your man is the first step. Openly and honestly telling him your feelings about internet porn and how it makes you feel.

THese men amy have an addiction to this.

Research at your library or bookstore and also work on your self esteem. That part of you should be separtate from what and who your spouse is...

July 11, 2000
11:01 am
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Cici
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This is all dependent on how much time he spends in his activities. If it interfere's with your normal sex life and your couple time, then it's definately a problem.

But porn addiction isn't a problem in and of itself. It is a symptom of a bigger problem that must be examined.

Men are visually stimulated more than men. Let me explain in evolutionary terms:

Physiologically, men are equipped to fertilize many women. This is an instincutual impulse. If we didn't have the urge to reproduce, our species would be dead by now.

Women, on the other hand, are physically incapable of carrying and bearing more than a few children.

The result? Women are instinctually urged to find one mate who will care for and provide for them and their offspring. Men and driven to have sex with multiple partners.

In modern times, we have become more manogamous, though both sexes still cheat, it's often for different reasons. Women's infidelity is based on an emotional lack in the marriage, while male infidelity is usully either based on marital lack or simply a sexual act without emotional involvement.

So what does all this mean? It's normal for men to want to satisfy their impulses by looking at pictures of other women. They are visually stimulated by other bodies, even those you might consider less attractive than your own.

Bottom line: Men and women are different. We have different impulses, different needs, different lives. To try to analyze men from a female point of view would be difficult and possibly lead you to the wrong conclusions.

July 11, 2000
6:12 pm
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heartfelt
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Maybe both of you could find other things to look at, such as the core of where the fetish's began.....why you became a stripper, and why he feels a need to look elsewhere for his needs.......examine motive ,desire , and intention.

July 11, 2000
6:20 pm
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Beautiful
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Lola, I just realized that talking it through is the best thing. Remember the issue with the magazines? Well, we talked it over. I told him what was bothering me and he went over why he enjoys reading Playboy. It all made sense.

Trust me, if he loves you he will stop or make a compermise.

Best wishes. If you need a friend to talk to, just let me know!

July 13, 2000
11:28 pm
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DONNIE
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My husband also looks at porn, magazines, videos, etc. He locks himself in the bathroom sometimes for an hour before I get home from work. My children ask me what he is doing for so long in there. Sometimes he won't open the door to the house and let the kids in claiming he doesn't hear them at the door. Sometimes when we have company over and he knows we are busy he disapears upstairs to the bathroom. Like I don't know what he's doing. I have been told I'm not doing my job. and honestly lately I haven't been. But I thought I tried everything to get him to stop. I thought I would give him a reason not to want that stuff. I tried looking more sexy and dressing nicer. He didn't even kiss me for 7 years. Now He still does it. It has affected our life because in the past he had trouble staying interested. Now he wants to know whats wrong and I don't want him anymore. It's repulsive.

July 14, 2000
12:36 am
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Castle
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Hi Lola,
My boyfriend owns numerous
porn tapes and we had a TALK about them. I just want to tell you how he explained porn to me.

I was not overly repulsed as much as I thought I would be about the situation. Though, the SAME thoughts entered my head...
"Aren't I good enough for you?"
"If you love me, why do you need to look at other naked women?"
"What does this crap do for you that I am not capable of doing?"
"Do you really NEED to look at this stuff?"

I really didn't know what to make of it. I think the fact that I trust him toned down the situation a bit.

He told me that porn is nothing more than a stupid kick for heck of it and that was that. Just because he looked at porn women didn't mean that he wanted them, desired them, or would even talk to them if he met them somewhere.

All it means is that guys are eternally stupid and like this as cheap entertainment......what guy wouldn't like looking at sex? It's not just the women they're staring at.

It does NOT mean that he loves you any less, wants you to be someone else or is trying to hurt your feelings. A lot of the men I know who look at porn are NOT EVEN wishing for something that may be lacking in their relationships. Believe it or not......my boyfriend told me something about guys looking to enhance the relationships they're in.

Please don't feel like any of this has anything to do with your doing anything wrong. As my boyfriend put it.......
(He has such a way with words)...
"If you had a vibrator, would you stop dating me? Of course not....then why would you think I would feel any different or stop dating you because I look at naked women? It has nothing to do with you...it's a form of guy ENTERTAINMENT".

I'm not trying to make this sound like no big deal. It bothered me for a long time. I just realized that he is trustworthy and the porn is not threatening.
I just want you, for your own sake, to put it into a different perspective.
You should talk to your husband about it though... seeing that it bothers you. Does he even know it bothers you? Find out his reasons for looking at it or liking it. I'll bet you it does not reflect anything negative on your relationship. But as always, with anything in a marriage or a relationship, communication is the key to everything.

July 14, 2000
12:50 am
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Castle
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Cici,

Did you happen to catch the series "The Science of Sex" on The Learning Channel"? I was just wondering because the whole show was about the evolution of sex....and your explanation seemed to follow the order of the show exactly 🙂
I was just curious. It was a great program.

Hug to everyone

July 14, 2000
9:39 am
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Cici
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I think I saw it some time ago, but mainly I get my information from various different psych and sociology classes I'm taking for my degree. Last Spring I took a class called "Sex, Men and Fatherhood" and it was very informative.

I would have to say that 95% of the time, women don't take into account the fact that men think differently from us. I link a lot of my sexuality with emotional issues, while men have a different sense of sexuality that I probably can't even begin to explain or understand.

donnie - this sounds like compulsive behavior to me. It's hard when you see a loved one engaging in behavior that is detrimental to themselves or your relationship with them. The best way to deal with this is to tell him exactly what you feel and what you see. Don't beat around the bush or hedge away from the issue. Your husband needs to know what you need, he can't read your mind.

July 14, 2000
7:57 pm
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heartfelt
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So I guess all the convicted sex offenders, rapists, and the shit that preys on children is normal because porn is acceptable in our culture. Rationalizing porn seems to me quite irrational. As I look at myself in the mirror, I really feel how sick we've become, and not just regarding pornography......illusions, delusions, unsettling confusion..

July 17, 2000
10:19 am
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Cici
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hearfelt, I disagree utterly, completely and totally.

There is a difference between sex offenders and pronography. This is quite elementary and I thought most people would know by now. Rape is NOT about SEX. Rape IS about POWER and VIOLENCE.

I'm sorry if I was touchy. I was raped twice. Molested when I was five. I know the difference and it's taken me many years to be able to accept and express my sexuality. It ahs caused a lot of heartache between my fiancee and I and it just really pisses me off when people keep saying that rape is a sexual thing. IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF.

Being able to look at erotic movies with my fiancee has allowed me to learn how to be sexual. This is a part of myself that I had closed off completely because of my previous traumas and it was hard to pry open that part of my mind.

You never get over trauma. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with the memories and the pain adn the fear. You get over it. But sometimes someone says something and it triggers all that anger and pain.

July 17, 2000
6:09 pm
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heartfelt
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In my view cici erotic and pornography are not in the same arena, being touchy is ok.....I shared in past post of being raped by boys, so I know within. If I triggered from my post, that was and is not my intent. being erotic, sensual, giving and loving as one is beautiful. Maybe I did'nt drive my feelings home when I know that many sex offenders, rapists, and the dark side of sexuality in part comes from pornography and the many levels of it. Yes rape is about power, control and violence.....and your feelings do not go unheard but again my view is the difference between erotic and pornographic is not the same. I respect your views. Question, how would domination, masochist, S&M and the like be catagorized.erotic or porn? Guess it depends on who's partaking......

July 17, 2000
10:58 pm
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DONNIE
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I have discussed this problem with my husband which he is in denial. He denies that he has any problems or that he looks at such filth. He doesn't just look at naked women. He reads and looks at the most disgusting ones he can find. He has told me he got rid of them. Then I find them hidden in the mattress Or somewhere he thinks I will never find them. When my daughter was two she found one and it was two women licking each other. I found out when My mother ask me about it because she took it to Grandma's house. No child needs access to anything of this sort they learn enough too early in life as it is. He maintains that he does not look at this stuff. But let's face it, He not only looks at it he takes care of himself while looking at it. And I know this to be a fact. I used to get mad and complain about it. Or question WHY???? He denies it. I could prove it but I have been afraid that some things you say you can never take back the hurt. He has hurt me on several occasions but I can't seem to want to say some things it's like I'm attacking his manhood or something. I hate to hurt people. I would rather have given him a reason to stop. But nothing was ever good enough. Now I just don't care enough to bother. I tried all I knew short of joining the crowd. I cant' seem to inderstand it. Life goes on day to day. We just don't talk about anything anymore. Now he wants to act like we have a perfect marriage and just keep our dirty little secret to ourselves.

July 25, 2000
10:15 pm
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andrew
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Generally, men and women are attracted to the other sex and it has been so since Adam and Eve.

However, with particular regard to your situation,it would be best if you both could discuss this 'nagging' issue in private when the kids are not around - maybe at the beach or some place quiet.

During your discussion, you could casually ask why he has developed this new hobby by looking in porn sites and what pleasure he gains.

Remember, try to be tactful without hurting his feelings - enabling him to be on defense mode.

Respect his feelings and with tactfulness and love, you will earn his ear of attention.

At the same time, you could ask why he has been doing it and whether he is
begining to lose interest in you.
At this juncture, you could ask if you are still appealing to him, beautiful.

Meanwhile, love him; continue to spice him up and evaluate your relationship and his behaviour before your next approach.

With all the replies and suggested advice you have been getting, it is crystal clear that there are many kind people out there who care about people in distress.

Thanks to the father of the Internet
and to President Bill Clinton for pushing on the frontiers of science, technology and communication to a new and greater dimension in this new millennium.

Thank you.

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