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Poor, defeated college student seeking advice on developing interdependant romantic, social, relationships, or, how the junk to I quit being codependent?
August 26, 2005
10:14 pm
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ianandris
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September 29, 2010
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Today I have been feeling absolutely abominable. I was cursing every person I saw, whether I knew them or not, under my breath. I would still talk congenially, smile and say hello to faces I recognized and some I didn't, but I was in turmoil and turned it out on evreyone without them knowing. This started just before lunch. While writing (I am a poet), I felt something snap. Instead of feeling down, abandoned, lonely, hurt, worthless, or any other of the cacophony of negative emotions, I felt a strange sort of fury. It was empowering, but at the same time, distinctly sickening. At any rate, this, I believe, was due to an unhealthy attatchment to a girl I met a mere two days previous in class. I don't quite know how I became so attatched. Naturally, first few days of school you look for new friends. We spent most of the first and second day together. At any rate, I guess I misread cues or, for whatever reason I fast tracked what should have been an acquanitance into the realm of close personal friend and began talking about things which, perhaps, were unwise to discuss with someone you hardly know (family issues, personal issues. Well... issues). In and of itself it wouldn't have been so bad except, objectively, there really wasn't a whole ton of chemistry there. It was more the fact that she walked by my side for a whole day or two that I felt compelled to spill the beans, if you would (evidence, I believe, of codependence, or eagerness, seizing the opportunity, errors in perception, error in execution, or whatver). So, naturally, next morning she greets me with a handshake and business like hello, a sure sign that things have gone awry. She spends the day with others, so on and so forth. Returning to the assembly, perhaps I felt some jealousy that turned into self loathing that turned into furious misanthropia. What bothers me about the entire situation is how blatantly inappropriate it was of me to expect a confidant in an acquaintance. It bothers me that I am so much in need that I feel compelled to develop feelings like that so rapidly. I have a real challenge developing friendships with others. I have tons and tons of acquaintances who really like me, but noone that I hang out with. So the question is, how? How do I fill the social need I have while simultaneously shedding the ill fitting debilitating mantle of codependancy? I think I'm more capable than I believe, but changing personal beliefs, especially negative ones, is a very tough thing to do. Any advice would be welcome.

August 26, 2005
11:05 pm
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Neshema
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September 24, 2010
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Ian-

I think you know what to do...seems to me you might try chilling out for your own sake. That chick chose to spend a lot of time hearing you spill, but as a poet, you seem quite verbose and intense. Your talents may work well as in your work, but may scare others who are not codependents. The think that hooked you in and fooled you was that she spent the time. It takes a while to know someone is worthy of knowing your business and having power over your emotions. Remember, boundaries are important for your own protection. Watch out for attachment to a fantasy.

August 29, 2005
4:27 pm
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Matteo
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September 29, 2010
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Don’t be as harsh on yourself as you are. I can relate to you, there are not many people whom I confide in, and usually when I do share, even if I don’t know them for a very long time, I am not mistaking and we do become close friends. I’ve had one incident though, when I was telling someone whom I didn’t even like that much, about my quite traumatic experience, something about I never really talk to anyone before, in depth. Afterward, I felt awkward, but then our ways separated, we never met again, I am sure this person doesn’t remember me or my story, but was there for me to listen, when I needed to talk about it at that moment. My need was fulfilled, and the acquaintance didn’t mind to listen to it. End of the story. Next time when you feel the need to share something personal, give just a hint, share a little, and wait for them to share as well. If they won’t – that means they are not that interested and it is better not to open up too much. But above all try to find one good friend whom you could communicate and share your stories with. If not – come here.

August 29, 2005
4:40 pm
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taj64
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September 30, 2010
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The only person we can reject is ourself. If you develop feelings so early on, then that raises a big red flag that you are not ready or this person is not for you. Read as much as you can on codependency. Build self esteem and self confidence. This girl does not seem interested but don't take it as rejection. You have no clue for why she seemed disinterested. When you love yourself more, others will be more attracted to you and you will be ready then.

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