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Pondering the word "Obligation............"
January 14, 2007
3:28 pm
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garfield9547
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truthBtold

Thanks

I get what you say. I also do not feel like a adult. Turning 40 in July. Been through 2 and a half years of therapy that has helped me ALLOT.

I am starting my journey as an adult. Rather late than never.

Thank goodness my therapist said ITS NEVER TOO LATE.

"It's embarassing really...don't you think...to admit that you never, ever went through the necessary developmental stages that most....shall I venture to say....non-traumatized children had to go through?

Even today.....I am amazed at my...what best can be described as pure niavetee - in terms of betrayal and loss of innocence.

Perhaps this adequately describes while at times, I feel like I am 9 or 10 years old emotionally. "

It is embarassing to admit this to oneselve. i get you clearly on this. i feel the same. My children are emotionally more developed than I am. How embarassing is that.

They just seem to GET things I don't. It's terrible. I am always seen as the naive one. Heeeh

I have learned (from others) to be my own parent. i had to do this as I never had somebody to show me the way.

I had to realise that I would NEVER have a mother or father that would be emotionally mature. That was very sad.

You asked

"I dunno, but I feel that it sure would be nice to have such a person in my life even today....would help me from continuing to just fricking-fracking flounder around at the bottom of my own sea of non-development."

It would be nice to have a caregiver that guides us and takes care of us. In everyday life experieces I realise that I still longed for somebody to take care of me. Somebody to show me the way. Soembody that made me feel safe.

After therapy I realised that I have to provide this for myself. i am 39 and nobody is going to take care of me other than myself, I somehow hated my parents for not being there for me etcc. Now I except the responsibility of being a mother of 2. It has taken me a long time.

It was nice going back in my head thinking about the word "obligation"

I guess it triggered something in me. I never had a choice and always felt obliged to take care of my parents. Not anymore thank goodness,

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
3:35 pm
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truthBtold
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Garfield,

So - I guess part of the proces is not only acknowledging what you didn't get as a child....but also in grieving that fact.

Hard stuff....to be sure.

Nice to coneect with someone who is a little bit further along than I am...and can share the wisdom.

Thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

It ain't easy....is it?

nope.

January 14, 2007
3:41 pm
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garfield9547
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Horsefly

I have been following your thread from the beginning. Glad you took the first steps to heal. Also glad you are here to share.

This site has helped me so much on the road to recovery.

red blonde

" I am in the 'rebellion' stage because of the caretaking of my parents and and others throughout my life"

I have been the biggest revel you could get. i have to think some 18 or 20 years back now.

It was the best thing that happened to me to rebel. I found my own identity through all of it.

Way to go

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
3:50 pm
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red blonde
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Thanks, Garfield!

Still have a LONG LONG way to go! I have been wondering why I am acting the way I have been in the last couple of months and I think you just clued me in! I am rebelling! I know I rebelled earlier in my life, but that rebellion had been squashed by parents and others by terrorizing me, filling me with fear. Better late than never! (I do clean my house, though in remodeling stage at moment, and I do pay my bills.)

Love to everyone!

Red

January 14, 2007
3:55 pm
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garfield9547
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truthBtold

Yes, i had to grieve the fact that i never had a mother or father emotionally. That i had to be the parent and that they would ALWAYS be children in my eyes.

I find it hard to grieve however.

i cannot cry. I am always strong and ended therapy as I just did not have the 'tools' to go through the last stage.

My grandmother died the 17 September. We were very close and i started crying say 2 weeks before she died.

i knew there was nothing they could do for her anymore.

I only realised months after her death that I did not only cry for her, but i cried ALLOT for me.

I think I cried more for myself than for her, as strange as this may seem.

This was the oppertunity to just let go. I cried for more than a week.

AT LAST I could grieve some of my childhood wounds. This was just what I needed to get rid of lots of anger and disappointment etc.

This moved me to the next level emotionally. I don't know why.

Gosh this feels good.

Thanks for starting this thread.

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
4:19 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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garfield and all, I never liked to cry, I don't think anybody does.. But I have lately and I think it is a natural way to heal ourselves. Thanks everyone for making me feel welcome ...horsefly

January 14, 2007
4:29 pm
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red blonde
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Horsefly ~

I have heard or read somewhere that crying (and sweating) is a way of releasing toxins from our system.

Red

January 14, 2007
4:41 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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red blonde, I always feel better after some kind of release. Crying , laughing exercise, sex, painting , swimming screaming ect..... I just need to balance what is healthy for me....horsefly

January 14, 2007
5:00 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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truthBtold I read your post with my mouth open and my eyes wide. It was an epiphany for me. to I've got to see these things like cleaning house and paying bills as doing things for my self, not obligations. Wow a whole new line of thought for me. Thanks.

January 14, 2007
5:05 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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TruthBtold, I guess you got more than you pondered for, ....anywhere around? horsefly

January 14, 2007
5:13 pm
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red blonde
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This is a good discussion...Keep this thread going!

January 15, 2007
7:17 pm
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truthBtold
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Thanks all. I had to take a break from this thread for awhile.

You don't know how the stories being shared has helped.

I never went through that rebellion stage - and I guess that is what is going on now.

My older sister was rebellious (good for her) but my mom would hit her whenever she "rocked the boat" so I learned not to be rebellious because of these ramifications........but today, I know better thanks to all of your input. Thank you.

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