Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Pondering the word "Obligation............"
January 14, 2007
12:01 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Being a poet, I like to try and see if I can strip down a situation down to one word whenever possible.

Today - it is "obligation."

I asked myself - why is is that I have such incredible trouble doing things....like returning phone calls, cleaning the house, paying bills etc.....????

Then - it occurred to me - this sense of obligation.

(I know when I hit on a truth, because I experience what I call an "elevator shaft" moment. I feel like I am in an elevator and it is plumenting towards the botoom at such an incredible speed.....that it makes me dizzy..........but it never, ever crashes to the bottom...........just the sensation of dropping down fast.)

Anyway, I made the connection that my gross advoidance for simple obligations in my adult life....is tied DIRECTLY to the obligations I had as a young child in feeling that I was obligated to take care of my parent's needs.........which was naturally over-whelming.

So, as I just "hang" with this awful feeling....I keep reminding myself that: "that was then.....this is now."

Whew!

In one of my 3 synonym/antonym dictionaries...I find that the definition for Obligation is: accomadate, require, force, compel, please, serve, a duty imposed legally or socially; thing that one is bound to do as a result of a contract, promise, moral responsibility.

And the antonym to this word is: disoblige, free, release, discharge, acquit, unbind, untrammel, unshackle, renounce, absolve, set free.

I'll end it there....at set free!

To set myself free from the bondages of yesterday's unfair obligations...to better get a grip and focus on the adult obligations all of us have to do in order to function half way compentently as an adult.

again.....I keep saying to myself....that was THEN.....THIS is NOW!

Make sense to anyone else?

January 14, 2007
12:25 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Makes sense to me I always feel obligated to things and people for no reasons at all. I carry just "a sense of being obligated everywhere." It is really not a comfortale feeling for me. horsefly

January 14, 2007
12:32 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly,

Have you made the connection that this sense of "over-obligation" is just a spill-over from when we were kids?

January 14, 2007
1:15 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I do now, thank you horsefly

January 14, 2007
1:32 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are welcome.

I hope that more folks on this site respond because I feel it lies at the bottom of so many of the problems all of us are struggling with....you know?

Maybe there should be a new "catch-phrase"...like...."Left-Over Overly & Overtly Unsubstantiated Obligation form Yesteryear's Bullshit...which No Longer Serves Me Today" or something like that.....(you gotta know that I had to refer to my trusty dictionary on that one heh heh!!!)

January 14, 2007
1:49 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold, I just read on another tread something you said about loving yourself. About not doing the same things .Or something like ..Not just to doing something for are self but more like not doing what we did before. This made alot of sense to me too. ..You may be on to a few things here, horsefly Maybe yesteryear bullshit doesn"t have to be this year bullshit.. ya know

January 14, 2007
1:57 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold

"(I know when I hit on a truth, because I experience what I call an "elevator shaft" moment. I feel like I am in an elevator and it is plumenting towards the botoom at such an incredible speed.....that it makes me dizzy..........but it never, ever crashes to the bottom...........just the sensation of dropping down fast.)

Anyway, I made the connection that my gross advoidance for simple obligations in my adult life....is tied DIRECTLY to the obligations I had as a young child in feeling that I was obligated to take care of my parent's needs.........which was naturally over-whelming. "

So you had to be the parent and not them? Parentified is what they call it.

Its terrible to be caugth up in such emotional turmoil. (cannot spell)

We question ourselvels bc we did not have a parent or caregiver to show us the way. We have to be emotionally mature without having any guidance.

We have to grow emotionally and be our own parent.

I had to look in general to sociaty as to what is "normal" for me and do what I thought is the " right" thing to do.

I never had a roll model.

"So, as I just "hang" with this awful feeling....I keep reminding myself that: "that was then.....this is now."

That WAS then and this IS now. So i guess w have to change our perceptions as to what is real and what is fantasy.

We have to create our own reality.

"I asked myself - why is is that I have such incredible trouble doing things....like returning phone calls, cleaning the house, paying bills etc.....???? "

truthBtold I am thinking here with smoke coming out of my ears!!!!!!!!

If you see returning phone calls and cleaning your house as oblication????
\Paying bills??

I do not know if this could be put into the catagory of oblication???

"To set myself free from the bondages of yesterday's unfair obligations...to better get a grip and focus on the adult obligations all of us have to do in order to function half way compentently as an adult."

Paying bills and cleaning your house is not unfair obligations. So setting yourself FREE from this would just return you to saying this

"Anyway, I made the connection that my gross advoidance for simple obligations in my adult life....is tied DIRECTLY to the obligations I had as a young child in feeling that I was obligated to take care of my parent's needs.........which was naturally over-whelming."

Do i make sense??

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
2:06 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gosh, thank you so much Horsefly for responding and for "catching my drift."

I do think that I am on to some things here - and don't mean to come off like I am preaching.........

I have just struggled for many, MANY years to get to the bottom of all of this crap....that when I find something that speaks directly to my mind and heart....I just like to share in an effort to hopefully spare someone else the agony of all this bullcrap and perhaps offer some insight that none of my many therapists were able to offer.

I am so pleased that my words have reached just one person.

Though I do not mean to invalidate alot of the other posts that are created here.......sometimes (not all the time) it just seems to me that some are not interested in seeking the real cause of the problem and seem addicted to their own drama......which is not uncommon.

God, I hope that I have not pissed anyone off here.....but sometimes, I really feel alone when I finally come accross something that I think would be of great comfort and awareness to others as it has been for me and it is not acknowledged.

(Maybe it's just too much for some to digest.....I dunno.)

Anyway, Thanks for posting!!!!

January 14, 2007
2:11 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

TruthBhold

Ok now I get what i want to say.

paying your bills and cleaning your house is not taking care of your parents needs.

This is taking care of YOUR needs. So do not see this as oblication, but rather see it as taking care of YOU.

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
2:15 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

You asked: "Do I make sense?" No.

What's your point?

You qouted some of my words.....but I don't get your point.

Could you please explain?

I agree that a role model would haved helped tremendously...would even help out to this day if I had one....but I don't have one.

Any suggestions?

Thanks for your response.

January 14, 2007
2:19 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold, This unreal feeling of obligation is also linked to the ureal feelings I have of feeling responsible to people and thing's that they don't even care about. Yes you have reach me . I know everyday drudging along is just be human ...you know doing laundry , paying bills ect, but there is something deeper in me that happens too. I feel obligated to things I shouldn't. And for the loving yourself info that helped me alot, That is one little tool I did not have,,So you have truly helped me simplify a few things. I looke forward to hearing more as you can...horsefly

January 14, 2007
2:19 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

I think that we have crossed over in the threads.

Yes...I am JUST NOW starting to make the DISTINCTION that taking care of myself is NO LONGER a carry-over of taking care of my parent's need.

That was the whole idea of starting this post...that this is JUST NOW something that I finally figured out......you know?

I was not aware that there was an actual term: "Parentified." But it makes total and complete sense to me now!

January 14, 2007
2:28 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold , I liked the way you worded this post thread . Pondering ....I ponder alot...horsefly

January 14, 2007
2:33 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold

i am a parentified child. I will post you something on the subject, maybe you can relate. I always had to be the parent and not the child. I never had the chance to be the child.

I do not hope you are angry. Reading what your thoughts are on ablication also helped me.

Love

Garifled

January 14, 2007
2:35 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly,

Someday, I hope to be able to "rally in" all of this stuff and put it into an effective screenplay.

I know that the beginning scene will be that of which the main character keeps hitting the "snooze alarm" over and over again....because I feel that pretty much symbolizes something most of us do.....we keep going through life...hitting the snooze button....until we get a real, JOLTING wake-up call...you know?

Anyway, the ending of the movie (as the credits are being rolled) will be playing the song by Van Morrison "Brand New Day."....as the sun is just appearing on the horizon..and the following lyrics will be heard: "I was lost...double crossed..with my hands behind my back....I was long time hurt...yeah - thrown in the dirt...shoved out on the railroad track...I've been used...abused...and sooooo confused...and I had nowhere to run....But I stood and looked....and my eyes got hooked.....on that beautiful morning sun.....

yeah.........

(sorry to get off the subject a bit...it's only that this idea of a screenplay is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes....)

January 14, 2007
2:41 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold, I love Van morrison,,,,He is all heart..horsefly

January 14, 2007
2:43 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold

Here is the information on Parentified Children. Tell me what you think

Robbing your children of childhood
"Parentified" Children Suffer Later
Guest Author, Anne Kass, - a retired District Judge of Albuquerque, New Mexico

It is common to hear a divorced mother proudly declare that her son has become, "the man of the house." It is also common to hear a divorced father boast about how his daughter has assumed care taking duties in his home such as meal preparation and housework. Extended family members often remark about "how cute" these children's grown-up behavior is.

There is nothing wrong with giving children tasks and chores to do, but when we hear young children declare, "My mommy/daddy needs me," we worry.

Sons who are expected, encouraged or allowed to become the "man of the house" and daughters who are placed in similar grown- up roles are living up-side-down lives. They are taking care of parents when the appropriate role is for parents to take care of the children. Psychologists call these children "parentified." We worry about them because these children tend not to advance through necessary developmental stages.

The developmental tasks of children are numerous. Cognitively, they are acquiring academic knowledge which will allow them to be self-sufficient adults. Emotionally, they are learning to develop relationships and how to balance their individual needs and goals against the needs and goals of others. Socially, they are developing friendships outside the family structure.

Basically, children learn about their world through experience. When they are in a home where the parent is responsible, they are free to explore and make mistakes while having the safety net of the parents to fall back upon. If they are parentified, children feel restricted and unable to freely explore their environment. They worry that they cannot afford to make mistakes. They must be perfect.
The burden is enormous and far too heavy for a child. Children who feel responsible for their parents can become overwhelmed. This can lead to depression or frustration and self-doubt because they feel incompetent to do what is expected of them.

One primary task of childhood is socialization. Learning how to give and take in relationships with peers is critical to successful adult relationships. A parentified child often acts like the boss, so other children avoid them. The child can become isolated from age-appropriate peers and may associate with individuals who are older. This can result in the younger child being manipulated or used by the older person. Parentified children often lead lonely lives and sometimes are hurt when others take advantage of them. Their adult relationships, including marriage, often fail as well.

Perhaps the greatest danger of children assuming grown-up responsibilities is the reality that children who are not allowed to act like children when they are children start to act like children when they are grown-ups.

I can't begin to count the number of divorces I've seen in which one of the spouses seems almost driven to behave irresponsibly. They appear to be sowing wild oats that were unsown before. These grown-up children can be the cause of terrible consequences as they abandon their spouses and children. Sometimes they quit their jobs and ignore their financial responsibilities. The result is chaos.

Parents need to be the caregivers to their children, not the other way around. A parent who uses a child for support is robbing the child of his childhood.

Anna Kass

I was robbed of my childhood.

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
2:44 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly,

Yes...pondering is what I do best. That's when the "creative muse" hits me when I least expect it.

These realizations DO NOT come from me...but rather when I feel open enough to let them be channeled........and I always have my trusty dictionary at my side to clarify in black and white...or to at least have an immediate visual picture that describes it all in one great swoop!

January 14, 2007
2:53 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold, I am also very creative. Iplay guitar, write, paint , anything creative I love. I have always been that way. I am a Ponderer from way back and I have always kept a dictionary..horsefly

January 14, 2007
3:09 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

Rarely do I print anything out from this site....however, your information on Parentified Children was well worth it!

This information really hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned.

Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you!!!!

I can SO identify with that part which explains that: "We worry about these children as they tend not to advance through necessary developmental stages."

Touchee!!!!!!

Never more well put!!!!

That is EXACTLY the position that I am in!!!! How in the world is it...that I am 46 years old...and STILL do not have the foggiest idea on what it means to be a responsible adult????

I know in my heart and soul that I just never, ever was simply given the where-with-all to develop normally....to not be able to advance through those necessary developmental stages?

You want to know something kinda wierd? I used to go to (as an adult)the child's section of toys and pick out the metamorphisis (spelling?) of the tadpole to frog and the caccoon to butterfly...in an effort to try and figure out my own development stages that I was never, ever able to experience.

My sense is that my own emotional development was halted and stagnated by the duties and obligations I had to expel unto my own parents....whom never really developed themselves......whew!

Your post made loads of sense. Thank you for that.

It's embarassing really...don't you think...to admit that you never, ever went through the necessary developmental stages that most....shall I venture to say....non-traumatized children had to go through?

Even today.....I am amazed at my...what best can be described as pure niavetee - in terms of betrayal and loss of innocence.

Perhaps this adequately describes while at times, I feel like I am 9 or 10 years old emotionally.

Sigh. So nice to let this all out.

So here is the question of the day: Is is still TOO LATE to seek an appropriate role-model?

I dunno, but I feel that it sure would be nice to have such a person in my life even today....would help me from continuing to just fricking-fracking flounder around at the bottom of my own sea of non-development.

What say you?

January 14, 2007
3:14 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Garfield9547I think you are loaded with good information and I always like to read your posts. I am not in counselling yet, my appointment is in Feb. I know I have familiar issues like everyone hear. But it is too hard for right now to dig very deep. I am basically just observing and taking a little at atime using what I need for now. I recognize your help and there are things you have said and posted that have helped me too, thanks horsefly

January 14, 2007
3:15 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly,

Yes!!!! Creativity helps to keep us sane! I play piano (mostly blues & jazz) and paint when it moves me. I also write poetry...if not to keep a sense of sanity!

January 14, 2007
3:20 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

truthBtold , I think you should remember maybe your adult or child, helped me today because all I really need sometimes is to relate and know someone understands me....horsefly

January 14, 2007
3:26 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also have been 'Parentified' and sometimes do not want to clean house and pay bills, etc. Make myself do this, of course. But in alot of ways I think I am in the 'rebellion' stage because of the caretaking of my parents and and others throughout my life. Did not actually see that I am now doing that until I read this thread.

January 14, 2007
3:27 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Back at 'cha Horsefly! My sentiments...EXACTLY!!!! Thanks!!!!!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111007
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38568
Posts: 714295
Newest Members:
rogerbell, nickbor34, finistratbob, Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information