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Pom34 am I doing this right? Advice please!
July 29, 2007
11:54 am
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Pom 34
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Ok, so I have stated before that I am getting better. Reading, therapy for codep stuff, doing my homework and footwork, and of course taking my meds (Lexipro) which is REALLY helpful. So, me and my head are ok and I am beginning not to have the type of codep reactions that have caused me so much pain in the past.

***BUT....

Life is going on. I left my husband in April, but then came back after only being gone for a week. It was a wake-up call for him. He was abusing substances, gambling like crazy, and demanding that I close my personal checking acount (which, was paying our bills). That's why I left. Now, he is not gambling as much, knows that he was wrong to make such demands on me, and is still using but NOTHING like he was before. I tell myself if I want to be with him, I have to accept him for who he is -but also detatch from him in some ways. He knows he is suffering from the disease from addiction and tells me he is afraid of therapy for now. I can accept that for now. He seems to be getting better as I do on some levels and I have heard that sometimes this happens.

***My problem now is... bill collectors are still calling. He has always taken care of that in the past. There is no money. I don't want to have an unrealistic attitude in order to keep my happy state of mind and peace within myself. I'm not sure about which I am doing. I tell the bill collectors that my husband deals with all this and to just call him at work. All the bills we agreed I would pay are paid. We may lose our house and I don't know if I am ok with that or not.

One thing I did do recently that I am proud of, but doesn't help our money situation...
When he was gambling hard in February, I took an extra job to help make ends meet. I just put in my notice for that job. I already work full time (during the school year) and was starting to hate the extra job. I was afraid, but I told my husband I gave them notice. He was not angry, just asked when my last day was. I told him maybe he could take my vacant position so he could have money for gambling, bills, whatever.

Anyhow, I was proud of myself for that. I really didn't want the job anymore.

Please give some advice from your experiences with situations like this.

Thanks, Pom 34

July 29, 2007
12:13 pm
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euqcaj
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If there is an addiction problem, alcohol, gambling, etc., no one can dabble in it and expect things to get better. Our son thinks he can drink "just a little" and then it increases with time and then the drugs come into the picture,..etc. And it excalates. It sounds like there is definitely a true addiciton problem in your household and professional help would be advised. It won't get better by itself. But you guys have to make a conscious effort to admit that. I commend you for quitting that extra job! Thank goodness, if you hadn't, you were only enabling the situation.
euqcaj

July 29, 2007
12:19 pm
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Pom 34
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Thank you! Yes, I have battled other's addictions my whole life. I am seeing a therapist and this is one of the issues we cover. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, so I know the abuse fluctuates. I am hoping this time, without my enabling and codep reactions, maybe he will see it? Dunno, but I am here and safe for now. Thanks again!
Pom 34

July 29, 2007
12:48 pm
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Yes, being near someone who has strong boundaries and won't be a source of supply and won't take care of the problems his addiction makes will be good for him.

But you need to be working on yourself for you, not for him.

It won't be a durable healing in your own personality if you try to fix yourself in order to help someone else.

I'm proud of you for resigning that extra job, too.

If it helps: I went through a spell of attending alanon meetings. They told me then that men rarely bite the bullet and begin the hard work of kicking addictions (detox, rehab, counseling and/or AA) fullheartedly because of the women in their lives (women with healthy boundaries or unhealthy ones).

In alanon, they told me that, statistically, most have to have some other loss or fear of loss in their life. It's the threat of loss of children, or a job, or hitting the bottom physically, more often. Site members familiar with AA and alanon could confirm or correct what I was told...I didn't doublecheck it.

It's good news that your husband can still regulate his addictions, cutting down on substance abuse and gambling. But cutting down isn't an improvement...it may only have been an adjustment, to get you back, which if he has affection and/or need for you to be his supplier, for you, of course he would want.

I'm glad you and he could talk at the level that he could tell you what he was afraid of.

Good luck, Pom34. What's your next step?

July 29, 2007
2:08 pm
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Pom 34
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Yes, absolutely for me not for him!

Even he agrees...

Mu main focusr with my therapist now is psychotherapy for me. We only touch on issues that have to with him in my life and I told her that is what I need now, focus on me. She agrees.

My next step.... hmmm...

Dunno, keep going to therapy. Keep making decisions for myself. Keep keeping my boundaries. That's all I can see coming downstream for now.

If you guys see somthing I don't point it out! I can handle it.

Thanks so much for your reply!

Pom 34

July 29, 2007
2:51 pm
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_anonymous
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POM- I am worried about you. I am married to someone who is addicted to perscription morpheine and alcohol. Controlling a man like that makes as much sense as trying to control a tornado. If you saw a tornado coming right towards you and your home what would you do? Control the tornado or get out of its way?

I will answer your question "Am I doing this right". Nothing you posted sounds right. It sounds like a mess.

As long as he puts so much as one controlled substance into his mouth or puts one nickle into a slot machine things wont continue to get bad they will get WORSE.

You can accept your husband but you have all the right in the world to REJECT his behavior.

Safe is not the word that came to mind when you told me you are at risk for loosing your home.

July 30, 2007
10:35 am
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Pom 34
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I understand what you are saying, Destinystar, thank you.

But, I must disagree and say that some things I know I am doing right like, first, admitting I am a codep person, that was a big deal. Going to therapy for it, stopping many of the behaviors that I had in the past. Learning to love myself for who I am.

While I was gone for that week, I was able to see MY behavior after focusing for so long on HIS behavior. I came back to try and see if I could accept certain things about him. There are some things I can, some that are debateable, and I told him what my bounderies are. When I came back home my plan was to do everything in a loving, non-codep way, but he didn't change, then this time, I would be strong enough to leave for good again if I had to. I was not a strong person when I left before. I felt desperate. If I'm gonna leave or stay I'm gonna be strong this time.

So is there a difference in DETACHING from a loved one and REJECTING their behavior?

I must not have given enough information, up there. I don't go to bed crying every night wishing he would change (and he has changed on his own in many ways lately), I don't have to miss work anymore from lack of sleep due to arguing or an inability to sleep after his behavior, I don't get hurt when he chooses something for himself that I would rather him not. I am learning not to hate myself because of his actions. These are the things that have changed since I have put forth effot, MUCH EFFORT, into helping myself for once in my life. I am thinking "Progress, not perfection."

I don't see where I am controlling him, but please point this out to me so that I can see it, because that is one of the roots to some of my problems.

I can only control myself (except when there's CHOCOLATE!)

🙂 Thanks for your help and I hope you reply!

Pom34

July 30, 2007
8:35 pm
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_anonymous
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Pom- When it comes to a gambling drug addict there is no upside to it. I am really happy to hear that you have the strength to work on yourself through all of this.

You are paying such a high price for his choice to live a destructive life. It might even cost you your house which you can replace but what about your sanity?

What benefit do you gain by living with him? What enjoyment does he bring to your life?

I lived with someone like that. He has been in jail since 7-6-07 and I am still taking an inventory of the damage.

July 31, 2007
12:11 pm
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Pom 34
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Hmmm...

Well, the main upside to this is hope. He can either change or not, just like I did. Either way, I will be ok. Before I make any crucial decisions, like ending the marriage, I have to work on my OWN head, first so that the decisions I make are the most optimum for ME.

Very good questions for me to ask myself and I will answer them here, directly...

I love him. He is struggling, but it doesn't put me out anymore. I can comfort in a healthy way, without enabling.

He loves me. He comes home after work every night, he makes dinner, we have wonderful sex, he loves my daughter, he is able to support me in most of my own personal endeavors, he is one of the few people I have allowed to be close to me and he accepts me for who I am. He goes to work everyday, he accepts my dogs, he is happy for me to finally find relief from my co-dep and other disorders. It's difficult for him to be emotionally available for me, but he does try. I.E. if I am crying he asks what do I do? I say always hug a woman that is crying. Stuff like that...

His conversation and observations about life and literature in particular are 2 main sources of enjoyment he brings me. Also, his sense of humor and knack for problem solving.

I guess the main point now is that we are exposing some of OUR issues, MY issues and HIS issues. I am learning that they are not all the same thing. I am also more ready to work on mine than he is, but he may meet me in the middle, who knows?

I came back because in my skewed, panic, anxious, co-dep view of him, I wanted to try and see him honestly, after working on my own head, and see if I was overreacting, or, if things really are as bad as I thought.

I am still figuring these things out and taking it slow. More is revealed to me everyday.

All I can do now is work on me FOR me. If he wants to do the same, then he will gain the benefit of my company as his wife.

Time, is on my side for this one!

Great questions! Thanks for asking them...

Pom 34

August 1, 2007
1:56 pm
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_anonymous
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POM- I can relate to the working on self first before making an informed decision. That is what I am going through. But fortunatly mine is in jail so I can do this on my own. I dont know for sure what I will do about my marriage. I do like the way that my husband is still willing to work it out. If there is anything to work out I dont know. I get some nice things from my husband but I cannot overlook the responsibiltiy department. The fact that I am carrying the bag with the financial end of things. There is the part of me that loves to hear about him working on the relationship and he was good at massaging my back and holding me and not selfish in bed. But the fact that he became so financially irresponsible is not OK.

August 3, 2007
11:41 am
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Pom 34
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Destiny--

I am right there with you.

Exactly-- what do we do about that? What can we do?

I have established my own seperate checking account that my paychecks go into. I pay my half of the bills out of that, and he doesn't like it, but I told him if I can accept your gambling for now, surely you can try and accept this. Point is, when the joint account runs out (which I have basically made into his account because I don't put $$ in there anymore) it's all on him. We are late on bills, collectors call, I give them my husband's work number. I cannot worry about this it will make me crazy. It's hard though... That's all I can do for now.

Yep, love doesn't matter as much if resposibility isn't there. You're right; it's not OK!

My husband doesn't seem as bad off as yours does, but I KNOW he could be there in a split second because he's an addict.

Thanks for your communication,

Pom

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