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Poll: Should I tell him?
September 29, 2003
11:59 am
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artist 2
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Here it goes: should I tell him I still want a baby, and if he doesn't then I move out and we break it off?

After a year of living together and it being difficult at that, does this seem unfair?

September 29, 2003
12:12 pm
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gypsygirl
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tell him. If you want a baby then you deserve one. Don't stifle your dreams

September 29, 2003
12:54 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks.

September 29, 2003
5:49 pm
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free
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May I ask, why do you want a baby?

free

September 29, 2003
6:31 pm
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Squeezles
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Why do you want a baby with someone that obviously makes you so unhappy? Or more particuarly why add a baby to a situation that obviously makes you unhappy?

I don't think ultimations really work. So he says "Yes". Is he saying this because he wants a BABY or because he doesn't want to LOSE YOU? I really don't think your unhappy situation will fix itself if he feels 'forced' to give you a baby just to make you happy. That's not fair on you, the baby and his current child. All having a baby will do is keep you 'linked' to this guy forever - even after you break up (assuming that happens in the future of course).

September 29, 2003
6:54 pm
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Ladeska
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You want to bring a "baby" into this??? And that will make it better somehow? Oh God... (shaking my head) you're kidding, right?

September 29, 2003
7:09 pm
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Alena
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A2, please, tell me you had a moment of temporary insanity...if you think you are screwed now, wait till you add another life to this unhappy threesome....please.....reconsider.

September 29, 2003
10:06 pm
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unhappy camper
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My heart goes out to you artist.

I'm not sure if you are married to him. Even if you were, if this viotile relationship didn't last (I hope it does) then you may end up being a single parent.

Take it from me....it's a hard lonely life. Yes, the joy of having children is fabulous. I stayed alone because of herpes for 17 yrs. with my two kids.

How would you support them and you? Daycare costs, formula, diapers, clothes, toys, medicine, baby sitters....

I am just seeing you in my shoes. Perhaps your situation is different.

I wish you the joy of having a child. You have to decide if this is the time and place.

September 29, 2003
10:45 pm
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Molly
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I thought he already said no ???? And like all else has said, why add to the mess ?

September 30, 2003
1:26 am
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free
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Motherhood is an all-or nothing situation. There are so many dreams associated with the idea. Just like there are so many dreams associated with marriage. Seems like everyday I pray to be forgiven for choosing a bad father for my children. Seems like everyday I'm trying to heal the wounds that he inflicts. Seems like everyday I feel so much love for them, and so much guilt. Every child deserves a good father, a father who loves and respects his/her mother. Because, ya know, that's really the greatest gift a father can give his children. And boy do they hurt when it's with-held. It's not a hurt a mother can heal because that kind of love is not hers to give. Think artist, about what you want, and what you will have. They are often two very different things. I wish the best for you.

free

September 30, 2003
3:47 am
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arwen
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Dear Artist,

I have two children from two different fathers. I was in relationships with them for more than a year before becoming pregnant. I thought that I would have a lasting relationship both times, but it didn't work out.

It has been my biggest regret in life that I brought two beautiful souls into this world, and they have been forced to live through and endure the consequences of my decision to have them without a commitment from their fathers to be a consistent parenting influence in their lives. Of course, when I first became pregant, both times each man swore he would be a responsible and loving father, but when it came time for them to act on their promises, they just weren't able to honor their words. I don't believe they ever intended to lie to me or to their children. I think they believed they could be good fathers and that they believed at the time that it wouldn't be so challenging.

My daughter is now 14, and my son is 17 1/2. Daily I see the impact in their lives of the lack of a positive and consistent father figure. They are grieved, and there is no way to "make" them understand that the lack of intimacy on the part of their fathers is not their fault. They both harbor great resentments and deep wounds because their fathers can't even make the time to call regularly just to say "Hi, how's it going?" In a way, I wish I had never told either of these men that I was pregnant with their children. It might have been better for them to have no father than a half-assed one.

I am writing these words because I am hoping to provide you with some perspective from two children, loved dearly by me, who pay for my choices regularly. Also, I want to share with you the reality that my life has been hard, and at times, I have come close to death because of the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial strain, and the guilt of having made such beautiful souls suffer. I was not a teenager when I bore these children. I was 22 when I had my son, and 26 when I had my daughter. Despite the fact that I was an "adult" when I had these children, it has been more difficult than I can describe.

Of course I would say, in complete truth, that if I had it to do over again, I would have my children. They have been such a wonderful blessing to me. But I know, from their own words, point blank, to me, that they spend a great deal of time wishing they had never been born. This is not the legacy to hand down to any child.

Please consider this carefully in making your decision to bring a fresh, pure, innocent, perfect, precious, blameless, beautiful "spark of God" into this world.

With genuine sincerity and concern,

Arwen

September 30, 2003
11:58 am
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artist 2
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Geez I feel like I'm being attacked here...

Part of the problem we've been having is because deep down I still want to try for a baby. From this desire stems the subtle resentment toward his son and toward him.

If he says "yes" then I have faith that he will love, accept and accomodate the house and family to the new member. That is not a concern.

Why do I want to? Because he/she would bring so much joy to my life. Because I want to teach and share myself. Just off the top of my head those are the reasons. Also because I feel I'm denying myself the experience. Yes, I want the experience.

I've talked to women with babies - both with and without men in their lives. They're never sorry, never guilty - they are joyful because of their children. Maybe there is a dark side. At least that's what I'm getting here. Maybe it is indeed a mistake to allow myself to embrace the thought.

Thanks Camper for the support. I have a good career, a good job, and money saved. I feel like I'm ready.

September 30, 2003
2:12 pm
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Ladeska
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You know what, Artist 2....I'm sure you do feel like you're being attacked here and if my post made you feel that way, I'm very sorry. Not my intention at all. It's just that this subject matter hits so close to home with people who have had children and can talk about things because they've been down the path, especially when their partners haven't really been there for them or the children.

It's just a very sobering thing to bring a child into this world or at least it should be a sobering thing. Too many people treat it very lightly or do it for selfish reasons and we can see the results of that all around us.

You, no doubt, have alot to give a child and they are wonderful little blessings, they really are. But there is also nothing like the hurt......that you feel when your baby hurts....or goes without or is wounded from the other parent. There is nothing like barely being able to take care of yourself and here you have these two little eyes looking up at you for guidance and care.

Things need to be very, very "right" when we bring a life into this world and there needs to be no question whatsoever about the committment from both parents. I've seen women who talk to their man about it and they say no, then they go back later and they say yes, then they say no and then they say yes again and they get pregnant on a night of "the yes". I won't go into what kind of disaster happens after that as time goes on...

A baby, contrary to popular folk myth, will not bring you closer together and will not fix what is wrong with the relationship. It has a way of doing quite the opposite if things are rocky to begin with.

One interesting thing that I've noticed with some men is that they get real jealous of the baby, if they are not real committed to having one in the first place. And that can cause a myriad of problems. The mother feeling torn between her child and the man she loves, etc., etc.

Just be really, really sure if you do this so that not only you guys are on good footing with each other but so that a child has two very committed parents who are truly ready for a child.

September 30, 2003
3:41 pm
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unhappy camper
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Other things to consider. How many kids do you want? Do you want this current man to be the father or perhaps someone new? Would you be willing to have more than one child with different fathers? Two kids is nice as they have each other to lean on (and fight with LOL).

My kids dad was 10 years younger than me and his mother HATED me because I was older. She refused to ever meet me. She called me his "other mother". After I kicked his little ass out for not working (he was not a drinker and is doing well now with a family), he never saw my kids again after a year of feeble visits. So we had all those years alone, just the 3 of us. I enjoyed it so much.

I am thinking, if you have a baby, would the dad want partial custody and would they be visiting back and forth between the two of you? How would that make you feel? Even if you have custody, he can have visiting rights and ALSO would have to pay child support.

However, if your relationship works out now....it will be nice. But as said here, the kids don't solve problems, they are a world unto themselves.

Maybe go to a sperm bank? That is a wild idea.

September 30, 2003
5:46 pm
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free
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I'm very sorry if you feel attacked by my posts artist2. I just don't want anybody else to feel the pain I feel. That's all. I deeeply understand wanting a baby. Quite frankly I could pop one every year if my situatin allowed it. There is certainly much, much joy in motherhood. there's just alot of unnecessary pain and guilt when the dad ends up being not good. And I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. hugs to you.

free

September 30, 2003
6:52 pm
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Molly
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You think we attacked you, wait till your child gets hold of you, they are ruthless, and cut straight to the heart. The experience, I am sure you must crave, it is like nothing you can imagine, plan, explain, or share so that some one would understand. It is truly the twilight zone, and the yellow brick road, but you can't click your heels , and there is no wizzard, and no breaks for commercial interuptions. There is no perfect situation, we as mothers dissapoint our selves, the fathers dissappoint the mothers, and the children, and even with both having the very best of circumstances, and intentions, manage to make a mess of things. I can't think of one person that has survived childhood with out scars, nor motherhood, or fatherhood. Its a true catch 22. Having a baby won't make every thing fall into place. Think about it, you want to consider leaving right now, one day, and the next stay, then leave again the next week. How you gonna bust a move with things cemented deeper with him fathering your child should he agree ? As he parents today, he will parent tomorrow. Don't be so foolish or arrogant that your child will be different. You are the bread winner, if I understand correctly, you want him to be the one that raises the child, you want a nanny ? you want day care ? It is at best an 18 year commitment, that you can't possibly comprehend, none of us mom's knew or had a clue gestation was a reality check, and then that being, that miracle, that pain in the ass sometimes that needs constantly. Pain and pleasure is what it is, and again the best of circumstances, manage to screw things up, think long and hard.

September 30, 2003
7:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ditto to what Ladeska and Molly said.

October 1, 2003
10:53 am
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artist 2
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Ok... I think I was being sensitive. It actually was good to get clear, unedited reponses. Thank you!

Camper, I have considered a sperm bank - kinda wild, huh? Then I met him and thought he made a great father, until it started bugging me that his discipline style was so soft and I'd see the son not suffer consequences for bad behaviors... Then he was saying he might consider another child, but not to hold out any hopes, but to see how things went and he'd decide... so I waited to see... So, I've waited over a year now and the ticking is deafening, and interferring.

I'm familiar with the visiting back and forth. Honestly, he would not say "yes" to another child unless he could be a full-time dad to him/her. At least that's reliable.

Choice for him is to step on a floating raft with lose ropes and holes in the bamboo, or get off and watch it float away with me on it. Choice for me is to repair the raft, and wait for the sea to calm, or come ashore, drop off the cargo and set sail again...

I really do apprecate all the feedback. And, though it felt uncomfortable, it was truthful. That's the best I could ask for.

Thanks again,
Artist 2

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