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(PME) i wanna feel my feelings with my fiance
November 23, 2000
9:16 pm
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pme
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i am girl (22 years old),who has some difficulties in my relationship with my fiance (35 years old) .in fact i feel that i want him to give attention more and more to my feelings..not only to listen to my words but also to listen to my feelins..every time that i talk and try to express my feelings or to talk with him about our difficulties in our releaionship he try to end that as fast as he can ,and i still feeling that i did not express my self as i want...so my wards still in my heart...
i need someone who can give me warm feelings not only the material needs..i need the warmth which i lost it when i was ten years old (when my mother dead)..
on the other hand i always respect him and listen to his feelings...but sometimes i feel so angry about him because he dont do the same thing with me when i need that..he dont like to talk about feelinhgs....
when i told him that i went to psychologist to try to talk with him about that ,he was very nervouse and order me to not going another time...he refuse to go with me and he refuse to see marital counselor ....on other hand i feel that it is my right to talk with counselor about my concerns...
because i love him and i dont want to loose him i need to know how to protect our love and to manage to continue with each other and to not let these concerns affect our life negatively
this is what i can write till now but maybe i will write more if it necessary

December 1, 2000
6:59 pm
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gingerleigh
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This must be a very upsetting situation for you. You sounds like a warm caring person, and you must see some good qualities in your fiance also. It is good that you made the first step to go to counseling. That was very brave.

Traditionally men are less enthusiastic about counseling than women are. I have a very similar situation to yours... my husband is 17 years my senior, and he often avoids talking about feelings by making a joke to distract me, or by getting defensive and placing blame on me, saying that any discontent or unhappiness I have is a problem with me, not him. Counseling has been a blessing for both of us, because we can now see it clearly when this happens and then work together to fix it.

Why would he be unhappy about *you* going to counseling? Could be a lot of things... he might feel like you are saying mean things about him to a "total stranger"... he might feel like you seeing a counselor makes you mentally ill (not true!)... or most likely, he might fear that your feelings will indeed be validated by your counselor and he will either have to change or you will leave him. Very very scary.

He cannot forbid you to seek professional assistance for yourself. Tell him you will continue the therapy, since it will only make things worse if he finds out and you kept the truth from him. But make the goal of your visits to become a healthier person yourself, and as you grow and mature as a human being, some of that beauty will rub off on him and he will eventually wake up to working with you and meeting your needs too. If he doesn't come around, you will be at the point where you can make a decision to be on your own and feel good about the decision.

Good luck, my dear.

December 1, 2000
7:16 pm
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Molly
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Try the book Men are from Mars, it does provide some insight into some men's approach, they usually just don't go as deep as we do. It also sounds like you have a hole you are trying to fill, which will kill the relationship. I would seek outside support too, loosing your mom at 10, and not done with it yet, is a long time to process with out closure or acceptance. I wouldn't push for him to go yet, but do go your self, just to talk, and tell him it will give him a break from the nagging. If you were physically ill he wouldn't stop you from going to the MD would he??

December 5, 2000
5:00 pm
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egg
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Hello Friend.
My advice to you before you get married is to sit back and think is he going to change. If you marry him the way he is it will end in divorce and i am sure you do not want that. Pray to God for his heart to be uncalloused. Read The Bible
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. That is the definition of Love. Ask him if he is willing to work on getting that kind of love between the both of you. If not I think you know what you need to do. Pray first and seek the Lord he will help you.
God Bless you

December 6, 2000
2:54 am
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Iris
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Marriage without communication is like bees without flowers.An important part of communication is related to emotions. If mates can't express feelings freely to each other,this might mean that they still need time to be more close and intimate and more understanding to each other. If you get married now, you still need someone to express your feelings to. This is probably part of the reason why you seeked therapy. Ask your fiance whether he prefers that you feel comfortable talking about your feelings with a tharapist or with him ?! Let your fiance read through this thread.

Good Luck.

December 18, 2000
12:55 pm
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pme
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thanks but my fiance is like a hopless case i can't deal with him not in anyway, our last fight was terrible i hit him and he hit me too... i can't leave him never couse i love him very much at the same time i wish that he may die ...

December 19, 2000
2:34 am
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fall
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Love is wonderful, but it doesn't guarantee successful marriage. Agression is ugly and it does guarantee unsuccessful marriage.Read through the thread titled "my husband tried to kill me infront of my kids" and think about your future marriage.

Good Luck.

December 20, 2000
8:26 pm
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kaylaw
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Molly is right. Women worry more than men. Women have better connections with their feelings than men. I have found in my life and especially when it comes to my husband that I believe he has an underlying fear. He is afraid to admit that he has feelings and cannot pinpoint exactly what they are. My husband is a wonderful man but always trys to cover up what his true feelings are most of the time. We have been married 25 years and he is only now starting to be better with communication. It is usually fear of what we have and don't want to loose it that can make me uncommunicative. Even I get that way sometimes. Counselling is definitely a great idea. I learned through counselling that I cannot change anyone but me. So go for yourself because only you can change you. I know I have no control over changing others. This is life experience I've been there and done that. I wasted a good part of my life trying to control and changes situations and people and it always make me unhappy. I think now at the age of 55 that I missed out on so much by being that way. But that is what God meant to happen so that I would be here this day reading your post. Sounds like you are looking for something to fill that void within yourself (like Molly said) and only you can do that, he cannot do it for you. I know it always starts with me when someone or something bothers me it is me and not the situation or person. I don't know if this helps but I hope so. Good luck to you I hope everything works out.

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