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Pls help me understand my 5 y.o. nephew's suffering - sininho
November 9, 2005
5:59 pm
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Anonymous
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I talked about the birthday he had Sunday and the fit he threw when the PE teacher ruled against his team, saying it was a valid goal for the other team.

Hes such a sweet and mature boy usually, learns rules fast, applies them selectively sometimes. His mom used to speak to him as if he were grow up when he was months old in situations sucha throwing things on the floor. I put a tring on toys so it would be easy to pick it up. Its a phase, I know, my sis knows but she would put him in his stroller and have him sit facing the window outside as a punishment. Or facing the TV to see a kid video.

Maybe she explained too much to him then and felt guilty and he caught on on that. He is so behaved having gone to day care at 4 months old. When I help him and his siter shower they take off the clothes and say that we shouldn't leave them inside out because it washes better in the laundry machine. The shoes go near the bedroom door so the maid can air/clean them from sand, etc.

AS for games, he usually wants to win, be the first to start, so competitive. On Sunday he cried and yelled that the game should stop! I feel intopieces when I see my kiddos suffering. What do you think?

November 9, 2005
7:25 pm
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Gosh, he's turned 7 y.o. I guess this mistake says something....

November 9, 2005
7:27 pm
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lost and found
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he might just have a competitive personality. it sucks to lose and he is expressing his disappointment.

November 9, 2005
7:29 pm
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maybe he is afraid of not measuring up to his mother's expectations of him.......

November 9, 2005
7:34 pm
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taj64
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I think it is just natural for some kids to want to win. Some are more laid back and don't care one way or the other. Be glad that he cares enough to want to win. He is highly motivated.

November 9, 2005
7:36 pm
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tks, guys, it worries me though.

lost, there seems to be some of the issue of measuring up to his mom's expectations. She is the type that knows whats right, sets limits and resolves everything.

November 9, 2005
7:44 pm
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I'll read more of your insight here later today. tks a lot! g nite!

November 10, 2005
4:48 pm
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I'm back if someone can help on this.

November 10, 2005
5:28 pm
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Regret
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Sini,

I agree that some kids have a streak to win in them which in itself is not bad. However, it can either be for the good or for the bad and in my humble opinion, i think if this is not regulated earlier on, it could become a problem for him.

He needs to be taught to excel. But, he also needs to understand, even at his young age, that losing with grace is part of excellence. You mentioned that he might be doing this because of his mom's expectations. If this is so, it is too much to place on a 7 y.o. My own parents are teachers and since i was a little kid, i was made to believe that nothing but the top was acceptable. It was tough. I am where I am because of that but it has affected me negatively in other ways. I am not your average social girl. i can spend weeks on end in my room/office without noticing a problem. I work waaaay too much because I was not allowed to be human and make mistakes. My boss used to tease me abt that. He used to say "If you lock L in here for a year, she wouldn't realise that the year is ended". I don't think that is gd.

He needs boundaries. This will also help him understand to respect other decisions that are not his and not in his favour eg- decisions by a referee. It will also help him in building trust for others he will be dealing with later in life.

His mom may need to loosen up on him some. To let him know that excellence is the best and he shd try to get there but if he doesn't get there, he is loved all the same. He has to know that it isn't acceptable to yell at a game. Life is a bit like a football match. he isn't gonna get it all in his favour and he has to be taught that, that is ok too. Teenage years might be tough on him if he lives in the illusion that his will is law.

But, don't ask me how to get this done (LOL). Can you talk to your sista abt this without it sounding like interefering in her family? Do you have a good rapport with the young man? Could you tell him wiithout sounding like admonishing him? This is a hard one and i really have no idea how it could be done.

Good luck dear friend. South America? Not fair! You get all the fun-carnivals, good weather (well, we do have gd weather here too).

Hugs!

November 10, 2005
6:23 pm
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Anonymous
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Tks, Regret, I'm glad you could relate. I have this 5 y.o. deadlinein my head that if a child doesn't learn certain things, s/he needs therapy. Hisparents talk waaaay too much to him not to punish him in other ways. He didn't get spanking almost at all. But his little brain got so tired sometimes I feel sorry for him. He has an idea, I think, that he needs to understand and agree to what's fair if not it isn't fair. I have no kids, neither am I that educated on raising children. So I just hope to be growing up to be of help to them without interfering.

November 10, 2005
6:44 pm
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Sini,

I don't know if spanking is necessarily right. It really depends on many many things. My parents hardly spanked us. But, their "talking" was enough- if you can relate what i mean. They reasoned with us and although i got spanked, i can honestly count how many times it happened. But, i was taught not to talk back to adults. The only way I could talk back was when someone wanted me to do something i knew was bad. But for instance, if someone saw me being naughty and asked me to stop, i could never say anything to them. i lived in a society where chn were the community's responsibility and every adult had a responsibility to ensure we grew up "well".

Some kids got spanked- i don't know if it did them any good really. So, bottomline is that although spanking can be good,it can also have its other sides. And in the spirit of the dignity of the child, there is a lot of debate on how right or wrong spanking is to the child. We live in interesting times don't we?

November 10, 2005
7:14 pm
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Anonymous
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Tough times but let's wait and see...

I agree that spanking is not good for the dignity of the child. I cannot deal with that particularly but maybe as a last resort.

It seems my nephew has been treated as a small adult (like in so and so's theory) sometimes. He's so mature in some situations I love him for that but at the same time I wish he were really acting out if that meant he's growing in a healthy way.

Time will tell.

November 10, 2005
11:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Sini:

I don't know what to say about your nephew. Maybe he sees how kids his age act and feels he's missed out or does not understand bein treated differently.

Love and time. Let him act his age. Maybe you and he spemd some one on one time acting 7 instead of like a little adult.

Just some suggestions.

November 11, 2005
6:10 pm
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Good idea, I have to play more his age like I did a while back. He always wants to begin the games and say which way it goes and I plain complained like a kid once. He had to explain/express himself. So I guess that was a chance for him to hear his own voice. He's so talked to by the adults and no one, just as I, got that he needs to act his age.

He also hates making a mistake. When I was at this home because his parents were traveling, we (maid and I) forgot to get a particular snack for that day as told by the teacher in his agenda. He cried and rested against the wall with his backpack and the taxi waiting. I felt crushed. I asked him to let me explain it to the teacher and he said ok. Then I found the particular snack and brought it to the school.

He's the older of two, his sis is 4-5, so I guess adults can expect more from him and he doesn't understand. He's bright and challenging, that's for sure, but for my part, I'll be more his age, after all he's the one that *can* play soccer, skate and show me how.

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