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PLEASER help me cope with this crazymaking
August 28, 2005
11:31 am
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exoticflower
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I'm starting to get that sick feeling again, I don't know how to cope with this crazymaking, and I'm anxious, already fired off one angry e-mail hyper defending myself when I have doen nothing wrong, am starting to have anxiety. My daughters father wrote, not asking but stating that he needs a relationship with our one year old and that he wants to continue calls regardless of my personal feelings about him.

THAT ISN"T WHY! I want to scream! We stopped the calls because he never made them and was abusive rather than take responsability for them, opur agreement was that if he harrassed me that I wouldn't do it anymore, and now I felt tahamed and told him he could, and I hate this, all I can do is cry and feel sick. i DIDN;T do what he said, he twists things!

August 28, 2005
11:36 am
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exoticflower
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It doesn't even help her, and he DOESN'T care, he never called! I SAID NO MORE, that's why he's doing this to me. But now I said its ok, so he knows he can treat me this way, this isn't fair! He's pulling me two directions, making me go against my own word again, telling me that my boundaries and rules are wrong, telling me what to do, amking me look [email protected] I gave him boundaries, TOLD him we would do it this way, it wasn't my faulth he HE didn't do what HE was supposed to! Why am I always defending myself and feeling guilty? Why does this work on me?

August 28, 2005
11:40 am
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lollipop3
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Hi exotic,

It must be Sunday! You poor thing...I feel so bad that you have to go through this week after week.

I think it's time to take my suggestions up a notch.....

How about dealing with this through the courts?

You can get a restraining order, prohibiting him from contacting you. Go to family court and get an order of visitation. That way, the agreement will be in writing and leagally binding.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Take a deep breath and good luck,

Love,
Lolli

August 28, 2005
11:53 am
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SexySadie
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I would get a mediator involved immediately. Contact your attorney and have them work things out. I had to do this with my exhusband because he knew how to push all the right buttons. Once we went legal he knew I meant business and the tables turned, especially because I hit him where it hurts, the wallet!!! It was very hard in the beginning but believe it or not, I have earned his respect through the years because I no longer take his crapola.

Hugs honey!!

August 28, 2005
11:58 am
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

STOP defending yourself to him. NO NO NO contact unless it is absolutely necessary. As long as you are playin his game then he is gonna keep this up. K agree q/ Sadie.... get your attorney to do something about the contact. Get something set up in writing thru the court (THRU THE COURT). That way it is not you not following what you said. It's not him stepping over the boundaries and making you crazy.

Honey, you are doing well. You truly are. Just need to stop playin. DO NOT defend yourself. It does no good.

Chin up and Stand strong.

August 28, 2005
12:00 pm
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exoticflower
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I have no grounds for a restraining order...the big problem here is that is why it is crazymaking, he has adjusted it so that I look like the insufficialn parent, like all of this is about him being a good dad and a victim of me. He's always done things like this, if you ever look at my old posts, I was a lteral SHELL of self loathing and denial becasue he even had ME convinced that I was not the best thing for anyone. He's mych smarter than me, and he knows it, he's a full time teacher, I'm a full time mom. He graduated from ND, I dropped out of a Technical school. He always send child support, his parents are his lawyers (his mother is one of the top in the state, dealing with all of those espestose cases, and his father only has to look at me to make me cry and start defending myself, a very cleaver abuser, that's what he's known for by his coulegues).

As for getting the costody arangements on paper, that is a great idea, but only if I can do it some way under his radar or they will make it so there is grandparenting time, too many visits outside of my community, god only knows. A blessing of this journey of my own is that I can now see that I am being abused and that my emotional rights are being violated, that I am under their thumb and that it IS wrong and it IS unhealthy, befoer I would have blamed myself.

Took a walk, my head is clearer (ie, not bawling and screaming mad and frustrated and torn) anymore, though I still feel like there is a small hurracain of personal conflict in my mind, and I hate that he created that. I guess I'll have to write a VERY specific list, have my therapist help me with it, and VERY specific results of my boundaries being violated, send a copy to him, his parents, and keep one for myself to protect myself from any further crazymaking. i hate doubting myself, that's the worst part.

I will call the family law center tommorow...he knows that I have a lawyer just for in case, and I know he doesn't want a kid, just control and power, but still. Legally binding, on paper, it does sound pretty sweet lolli, thanks.

August 28, 2005
12:04 pm
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exoticflower
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Mamac, (((((((((THANK YOU))))))))), you're very right, I am playing right into it. And thatnk you for the encouragement, I FELT like I was doing good, I hate getting pulled back in so easily!

Sadie, what a nice change of pace, you telling me to get a mediator!:) I will definately see about that tommorow too.

Now that I have said it is ok (felt cornered once I started to defend myself), should I follow through or back out? Or wait till I talk with 'the law'?

I am not sure why I have been so resisitant to do this this way, it really is the most sufficiant way, and really does protect us from his mind games the best, I think I'm just scared of getting screwed somehow.

August 28, 2005
12:32 pm
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lollipop3
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Exotic,

My suggestion would be to leave things the way they are until you consult with an attorney.

If you change your mind now and then an attorney advises you differently....then you change your mind again.....see where this is going.

Part of the control that he has over you is that he can make you second guess yourself and change your mind...back and forth. Thereby, showing him that he does not have to respect your decisions.

Don't do anything right now.....wait until you speak with 'the law' and see what they have to say.

Love,
Lolli

August 28, 2005
12:42 pm
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exoticflower
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That's a good point Lolli, god knows I feel down on myself enough rightn now without giving myself too many reasons to beat my head in a wall! Thank you all so much! Love, ef

August 28, 2005
12:56 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Beautiful Flower))))

I just wanted to tell you honey that I will be praying for you today.

I love you! You are sweetheart. You have been helping me a lot as well as the others.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

August 28, 2005
1:56 pm
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exoticflower
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And now there is THIS, and I am losing my temper all over again. I wrote back saying simply " You may not abuse me when asking favors of me. You made a false accusation and I will defend myself if I feel a need to. I hope I make myself clear.

And now all I can do is cry again, it's so terrible but I actually literally wished he where dead for a bit after this.

*****************************
I will call at 1:30 your time, in about an hour, and if I don't reach --, I'll call again at 4:30 your time. Also, when you're setting times or relaying information, please do so independently of anything else you have to say to me, as it makes it difficult to keep track of the relevant information.

August 28, 2005
2:13 pm
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exoticflower
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Saying that apropriate treatment towards me is not RELIVANT! AURGH!

August 28, 2005
3:19 pm
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(((exotic flower)))

August 28, 2005
8:49 pm
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faceit
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you sound like a smart woman to me. Don't let the acedemic bullies intimidate you.

August 28, 2005
11:47 pm
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EJ
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Hi EF,

How about this: when he calls, pick up the phone and say, "Hi. Yes, the baby's right here. I'll put her on."

Then give the phone to the baby and let him talk to her. When she gets bored, take the phone away and say, "I guess she's done. I'll talk to you next week. Bye."

That way, he can talk to the baby, so he has no reason to complain to anyone, and you protect yourself from unwanted contact with him. I know it can be really hard to avoid being drawn in to their crap. But you can write out your lines and post them by the phone to help you remember that you'll only say this much and no more.

If he's really calling just to have interaction with you, he'll probably try very hard to get you upset so that you'll interact with him. Just refuse to get dragged in: "I've got company, so I'll just go ahead and put the baby on. Bye." Eventually, maybe he'll give up and go harass someone else!!

Love,
EJ

August 29, 2005
12:08 am
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exoticflower
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Actually, that was how I did it before, and he lost interest after the first call, only made it a few times in a couple of months (it was scedualed weekly). He would call back and demand that I not keep him from speaking to his daughter if I hung up without fist clearing it with him and then holding on while she kicked and hit the phone so he could say his long winded poetic good-bies, and when he wouldn't make the call as he was supposed to (usually), he would write and badger me, make it my fault...it's really all abou tcontrol for him, he hasn't written her a letter or sent a card or a nice e-mail for mommy to read her in months, I have to be directly involved and obeying him (he's taken to commanding rather than asking). After some really nasty abuseive behavior and crazymaking, I talked with my therapist and she agreed that this isn't my responsability and that if I tried and he failed to behave in a way fair to me, then I shouldn't feel obliged to continue extending this favor (my daughter is only a year old, a schedualed phone call is actually a lot to ask). I only wish it could have been that simple, that would have been just wonderful! Alas, some dads are better off gone, I thik in a way this is best for my daughter. I will continue to keep he and his family regualrly informed, overloaded with cute pictures, portraits, crayon drawings, cards from her with handprints, footprints, etc. I will continue to allow visits whenever they want as long as I don't have other plans, I will continue to answer any questions they ever have ABOUT HER, I will keep showing her his picture and saying "oh, look at daddy, see daddy?" every night, reading her books that "remember? Daddy gave you this" and such. I am doing my part, and doing well moer than is required of me by law. I have every legal and personal right to refuse abuse, belittlement, control, and manipulation to keep me under an abusers thumb, and I won't put up with it anymore. He made the call today, and was terrible to me, rude, as though I owed him this, I will not tollerate that treatment. I let them talk and am going to set up mediation tommorow so that I can NEVER deal directly with him again without supervision!

I am SINGLE MOTHER! Hear me ROAR!!!:)

Thanks be to god for a therapist who responds to her answering service on a Sunday!!!

August 29, 2005
1:08 am
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lessthanalive
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you are not alone here... my ex loves to make me do the crazylady all the time...hell im doing it right now!!!!!your not alone...

August 29, 2005
9:56 am
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exoticflower
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((((((((alive))))))))), it's lousy, I know. But when we know that is what they are doing, we are already freeing ourself so much! When I first came here, I was truly afraind I was crazy, I thought that I made all of our problems come about, I tried to kill myself, I couldn't believe that his frequent disrespect of me was anything but my own fault. When I think of the battered shell I was when I started taking care of me, I am at once scared and releived...it will get better, as long as you can find ways to trust yourself...when you know that you are being mistreated it gets easier and easier to refuse to take part in the cycles that allow it.

August 29, 2005
4:34 pm
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taj64
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Hi EF, way to go. I think you hit it on the nail that you have your power by not allowing the abuse anymore. I think that is best advice to involve a third party, lawyer or mediator. You don't need this pain or anxiety. You do not deserve it. It is not your fault. I feel for you right now. Believe in yourself and take care of yourself. Don't allow him to rob you anymore.

August 29, 2005
4:48 pm
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exoticflower
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((((((((taj)))))))))thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement!

August 29, 2005
4:55 pm
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taj64
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I see a wonderful person, been reading your threads, and feel your pain. I find thinking about the future, a life without this man that caused me pain, seems better than living with it. time does heal wounds. And allows us something better.

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