Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Please someone help me understand ME!!!
October 16, 2003
12:04 am
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am at my wits end, and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have so much stress on me. I have been divorced now for about 2 years. I was married for 15 years. That relationship was rough on and off. I came from a home where I always believed I was made bad. I was sexually molested by my uncle when i was little, and my father never had appropriate boundaries with us. He never really did anything wrong, it was just a feeling. It was his brother and they all knew he was a child molester, so I feel my parents let me down, as a child, by putting me near him. Because of the abuse I was a very angry and scared little girl. I threw horrible fits, and especially at night. My dad would get so mad at me, and we'd fight and he'd tell me how bad I was. As i got older the fights were worse. We also grew up very poor, and to be honest it was mostly because they made bad choices. I never felt good about myself. So when I met my ex husband at 16, her was this great guy who came from a great family and wanted me. I was hooked and in love. He also came from an abusive home and had his baggage. I believe that he would do things different now. We prob. were like any young couple at first. We fought alot, and sometimes we would both hit each other. He never thought I was good enough the way I was. That was mostly later. I cheated on him and because of the guilt and confusion I left him. In that time we were seperated about 1 year. I was in and out of several bad relationships. I got pregnant and had an abortion. The 2nd time I got pregnant was to a drunk and pot/coke head. I decided to go back to my husband. I told him I still loved him. I did still care, but it was mostly for my babies. I know he must have had great hurt. But he did accept me and my unborn baby. He and I already had i child together. But he told me that I would have no rights, and that he thought I was dirt. He very much treated me like I was formthe next 5 years. He would tell me I was a horrible person, that I was a bitvh, a baby, selfish. I cant believe I stayed. I know he was acting out of hurt, and over time it got better. But the emotional damage to me was alreay caused. The last 5 years of our marriage was honestly good, I had learned to think and do what he saw and felt. Then one day I just had it and walked out. I truly felt like I would die if I stayed 1 more day. I was facing the child abuse and the things that would cause me to evern except that kindof relationship and I fell aprt. I started drinking and partying. I started slleping with this one guy, and had a couple 1 nighters. Now I've straightened alot of that out. but I an nowin relationship with someone. Unlike other people I have dated, this person is a good person. Has a good heart, and truly even through his problems tries to keep going in a forward direction in his life. But he is an alcoholic. I do belive he will conquer that, but at this time he still is. And he and I are in a physical realtionship, and I am very confused about that. That is mostly because of my religious beliefs. But I have strong uncertainty there. It troubles me. I see so much in him as a person and I truly feel like I love him, but I have so much anxiety over my life, my children, my finances, the past hurt, and him, that I feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes i feel like I should not even be in a relationship. I wish i could go away. Sometimes when he does something I cant tell if I'm reaction because he does something wrong, ot out of past hurt I'm putting off on him. He is very sweet. But he is not really good about the whole understanding a woman thing. Like for my birthday. Birthdays are a big deal to me. And he knew that. I had my children that day, so I really didnt see him. He went over to some friends of his. He did call me once. The next day he took me and my kids hiking and spent the day with us. We had a great time, but he said he had not made it to get me a present. He said he had thought of different things, but just didnt know what to do. So he ended up getting me nothing. I was very hurt. Then of course I said something mean. He said he had tried to spend the day with me ,and that time should matter more than gifts. In the end I felt like a materialistic and mean person. And he was right, time with people is more important. But I just wanted him to care enough to want to make me special. Every girl wants to be treated like there great. He is not the type that will ever think to go surprise you with something. But he does so many other little things. Like every Sunday he invited me to his moms, because he knows I lost my own mom. And he always fast forward movies we watch over and over to my favorite parts. Those things count. But at the same time, so does little silly things, like getting flowers on Valentines day. He'll never be that way. So am I settling? And how much of all this is really because of past hurt with my ex. Or is it because I dont know wha tI want, becaseI dont know who I am yet? If I had all that figured out, would it all work better. And how much of all this is drama and energy I should be putting on rebuilding my life, being with my kids, and learning who I am. I feel like I'm going crazy.

October 16, 2003
12:17 am
Avatar
Hoopla
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Btrfly,
I'm new here and unsure if I should respond. But, it's late and I'm up...
I read your thread and I heard an answer - heard it twice actually.
"Sometimes I feel like I should not even be in a relationship" - #1.
"...because I dont know what I want, because I dont know who I am yet?" - #2.
So, here's the question: Why do feel that you don't deserve time away from a relationship, time to get to know you, enhance your character and potentially come out with so much more to offer a relationship than "drama and energy".
Thanks for the thread.

October 16, 2003
12:36 am
Avatar
Thruehope
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Btrfly,

What a load you carry. You do have alot of past hurt that hopefully one day you can have resolved for your own peace and comfort. You deserved better as a child. You are very introspective which can work as a positive for you. And you are extremely smart.

Maybe you can find an understanding counselor to talk out your past with. It really helps to express how you really feel with someone you can trust. It's trauma interspersed with validation and care that can result in amazing coping skills.

It is extremely nice that your new love cares enough to do the little things like you mentioned. And I'm sure it does hurt to not receive another need on the other hand. But maybe if you can talk with a counselor who can help you with finding out who you really are, as you said, all the rest with you and him may all come together in between as that counselor can help with communication skills and balance. And if the relationship is built to last it will last through trial and error and listening to each other's needs. And I'm sure if he found out how important those things are to you such as the spontaneous flowers here and there, he would make an effort to please you. Alot of him not being one of the kinds of people that do do those things could also have something to do with his past and how he perceived himself as well as others. He may not have received things like that in that way and therfor may not know how to express himself about it. He may not even know how important you feel it is. I'm sure if he did, he would want to change that and please you in that area.

Hope this wasn't too long. And hope that I was able to help or make you feel a little better. I could just feel your pain.

Thruehope

October 16, 2003
12:58 am
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you both for your replys. Yes i am in pain. I really am. I guess I stay in the realtionship, because how do you walk away from and hurt someone you care about. I am brokenhearted when I think of him not being in my life. I love being with him. And when I'm with him I feel like I'm out of the storm. So its probably comfort too. I've bounced him back and forth so many times. I've decided to end it befor, but I miss him so much. I was thinking that I should tell him how hard things are. And that I need time alone not because of him, but for me. That I still want to be friends and see each other, but that I just cannot be in a indepth relationship until I heal. That I'd like it to be him I end up with, but that I will never know that or be able to give 100% to him or anyone else until I heal. And I cannot focus on me with my heart and worries being on a relationship, because than I have to look at that too, and I cant focus on 2 things at once, right now.

October 16, 2003
1:15 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Butterfly,

I agree with Hoopla... take time away from the relationship to work on yourself, so that you can come to the relationship without the drama.

Z.

October 16, 2003
5:45 pm
Avatar
justjane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i agree with the others, but one thing i might add is when you take time away to work on yourself, one of the things you might want to really think long and hard about is whether or not you want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. i can identify with a lot of the things you said, but having been married for the last 7 years to an alcoholic i can tell you it is definitely not a bed of roses or anything close. i love the person he is when he is sober, but the one who is drunk is another person all together. i thought i knew what i was getting into but believe me i didn't. i too thought he would overcome it - i was going to make him so happy he wouldn't need that bottle anymore. believe me when i saw though, no one could make him that happy. so i'd advise you to think long and hard about that aspect of it. good luck to you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
22
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information