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PLEASE, SOMEONE GET ME TO UNDERSTAND!
May 14, 2007
1:26 pm
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nappy
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Hello Everyone,
I have just one question that I need to ask.

why when you are dating that this person that you met or dating wants so much of your time and when you don't WANT to do anything, they get mad?

I feel that it is some kind of control.

I had to let go of a friend because I just don't understand it. I had to let go of my ex for this very same reason. I just don't understand it.

My friend got mad because on saturday, I just didn't want to do anything but stay home and get myself together for mother day. He left a stupid message on my phone that we not seeing each other this weekend and the weekend is the only time that we spend together but I thought about it. It is mother day and I will spend it with my family. I am not your mother and hope that he spent it with his but to get mad, Please
I let him go real fast.

He tried to act surprise and hurt because he couldn't figure out what he did but please, stop acting dumb. If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.

I wish him well and said NEXTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Nappy!

May 14, 2007
1:28 pm
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soprano2
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One word--abandonment.

I found that out with my "nice guy" that I had met.

If I said no, I couldn't do something for any reason, he took it as rejection and got scared that I was leaving/abandoning him.

And this guy is 48 years old.....

I told him that he needed to get over his issues, and not to call or bother me any more. I also told him that not everything was about him.

He acted surprised that it wasn't.

May 14, 2007
1:32 pm
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lovemedo
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Good on you nap. You will never understand this kind of mentality. I guess it is a control thing but maybe it was disappointment that he couldn't see you? Some people are soooo insecure in their friendships. I hate having to justify and soothe friends who have this level of expectation and wish I was more like you and say...no way....get lost!! My time is a precious commodity and I don't want it to be spent by somebody else! Well done.

May 14, 2007
1:34 pm
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red blonde
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Nappy,

Maybe he has alot of insecurities and feels so lonely that he has to have someone around to build him up and make him feel needed or wanted or loved. May it is a validation of his ego or manhood. You on the otherhand, do not feel insecure in yourself nor lonely - which is great. Wish I was that way. Getting there has been a long haul for me and I am still working on it! You seem to have alot of self esteem and self confidence! Men can be just as codependent and clingy!

May 14, 2007
1:35 pm
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nappy
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I understand what you are saying but I think that it is stupid. Grown mens acting like this. That word abandonment fits those type of people because with that attitude I see why another would leave them alone.

May 14, 2007
1:42 pm
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nappy
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I can understand the disappointment about not seeing each other but come on now. He acted like it was our last day on earth together.

I put up my pom pom long time ago in trying to built someone up. The last time I raise those pom pom was to cheer up someone very special and that person was me.

I guess that is one thing that makes me mad and that is for a man or anyone to have to have someone else to make them feel good about themselves and how long does someone have to be a cheerleader.

Those pom pom would be thrown down because this game is over with.

Nappy

May 14, 2007
2:27 pm
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soprano2
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I completely agree with you about how stupid this truly is.

It's kinda like you are telling him no you won't play his way, and he gets so mad that he takes his ball and goes home.

My four year old acts like this.

I am sure that there are guys out there that aren't like this....they are probably hiding out somewhere together. lol

May 14, 2007
2:49 pm
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glittered when he walked
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well, in my experience it was my wife (stbx) who made her happiness contingent upon me...and she did have abandonment issues. It would seem then that it's an issue affecting both men and women.

May 14, 2007
2:57 pm
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soprano2
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Sorry. Didn't mean to be discriminatory. I know there are women with this problem too.

May 14, 2007
3:57 pm
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nappy
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glittered,
This issue reflect both mens and womens and it is a shame that they have to make you there happiness until you do something that they don't like and then they don't like you.

I feel sorry for those types of people because they will always have that with them and they want be happy and they will have alot of people abandon them because of there attitude.

My grandson is six and he don't act like that so much and he is suppose to but to see a grown person (man or woman) acting like that makes you want to put them over your knee and beat the hell out of them. (smile)
Nappy

May 14, 2007
4:34 pm
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Nappy,

LOL. I picture putting a grow man over my knee and taking him to task for this!!! You are a riot! It's great that you caught on to this trait with this one from the start and didn't endure it. My ex was pretty possessive, I tried to ignore it and do my own thing, but truly- it was a drag. My friends all hated him unbeknownst to me because he would give them attitude behind my back. Good riddance!

good for you to put your foot down.
-ella

May 14, 2007
5:59 pm
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lovemedo
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nappy, you made me laugh with the "they make you their happiness until you do something they don't like and then they don't like you." That is so spot on. So perverse. My ex has no friends left because of this. He recently invited 6 friends round for coffee and kept them all standing in his kitchen while he sat at the table talking (he has pressure of speech sometimes expecially when nervous). He also did not open the biscuits etc that they brought round with them. When they'd gone, one of them phoned him and said as an aside "you weren't a very good host" and explained why. My ex was furious. "why couldn't they ask to sit down, or open the biscuits themselves. I'm not waiting on anybody. He hasn't spoken to any of them since!! "I can't be friends with people like that". Priceless.

May 14, 2007
6:07 pm
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nappy
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To me these people are crazy and everyone that is out there.

If the person that you are talking to does not have any friends, talk with there family, or even there childrens.

That is a BIG RED FLAG because when they get up with another, they are so happy, they is always smiling in your face. They will put you on top of the world but when you do one little thing, they get mad.
Please, Please run for the hills and don't look back.
Nappy

May 14, 2007
6:08 pm
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Beareal
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Sounds like he enjoys being with you, and he doesn't understand that the feelings are not mutual. Rather, they are not has intense as his are.

If you don't really care that much for him, and you feel he is too insecure, then just be honest with him and let him go.

He will not take it well because he really likes you, but if you the two of you can't come to an understanding about space, then it is best not to even be in a relationship at all.

May 14, 2007
6:11 pm
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Nappy, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

May 15, 2007
10:53 am
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nappy
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It is funny that I posted this thread because last night a friend of mines who have been single for about a year now has finally found someone.
Now as she was telling me this, I can sense the excitement in her voice and I am very happy for her but as she was telling me about him. I had counted up so many RED FLAGS that I just wanted to tell her to run for the hills.

It is funny to me because I'm sure that we all have been in that stage to where when someone is trying to tell you something that they might already know is going to hurt you in the long run, you don't hear them.

But the one thing that she said to me that he told her was that in (5) months she was not going to like him. She laugh! I didn't because I was trying to tell her that right now he is pulling her into his web. When he caught you, then he will take off that mask and start being his true self. Within just four weeks, he has already has became needy, wanting her time all the time, wanting to have sex with her everyday.

Now I told her to be careful because the minute that she stop wanting to do all those things, he is going to get mad. That is why I told her that she needs to take this relationship very careful and to really see how he is before making a big mistake.

She is looking for a man to help her with paying the bills, we all need help but at what price will you do it at. I rather have peace in my home then to be in misery all the time over someone who is very insecure with themself. I told her that those type of people will suck the life out of you because you have very high self esteem and they don't. She has been out of a relationship for about a year and half and he has only been out of a relationship for ( 4) months.
Who do you think is going to be hurt in the relationship? It is going to be him because he didn't give himself enough time to work on himself in order to go into another relationship. All he is doing is bringing the baggage from his old relationship into a new one and she is going to think that she can fix him but she can not.

She is a very high spirit person, I just hope that he don't drain her life from her. She used to tease me about my ex and him always wanting me to be his cheerleader all the time to make him feel good about himself and laugh at me, but I told her that I am pasting my pom pom to her because she is going to need it.

It is very draining to have to keep trying to get this person to feel good about themself, it is up to them.

I just see that there is alot of peoples out there that act like this and I feel that this is very scary.

Nappy

May 15, 2007
1:30 pm
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glittered when he walked
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naw, knew you weren't discriminatory soprano/nappy. I'm Ok yer OK ; )

I would think that people with BPD (borderline personality disorder) would behave this way. very tumultuous relationships where you are either their everything..their sole reason for being...or their bane in life/ their greatest misery. Ugh.sorry..this hits a little too close to home for me. I'm sure it's frustrating for them, but just imagine those of us involved with them.

I used to come home on tentnerhooks..walking in the door...wondering "who do i get today?" the "love me love me LOVE ME!" or the "you are such a worthless dick!" oy vay. ah well...that chapter just about closed.

May 15, 2007
3:19 pm
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nappy
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Glittered,
I'm sorry that you were with a person like this. I was also.
It is a lot of pressure being with peoples like this. I didn't know that they had a name for them until I came to this site. I truly thought that I was crazy and that it was something wrong with me but I had to realize that I may have my faults but truly I wasn't acting like them.
I can think back on all of the crying and begging and trying to understand why this person is like this or what am I doing wrong.
Well it took me to get sick to realize that this man is crazy and it is no way in hell that I am going back to him.
Well we did try it but I had already knew that it wasn't going to work out. I was right because I was the one that was changing and I finally figure it out that this was not what I wanted.

It is a shame that you couldn't find peace in your own home.

What should we do with these types of peoples? Lock them up? (smile)
Nappy!

May 15, 2007
5:46 pm
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lovemedo
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Gifted......they're a nightmare aren't they. My stomach used to churn before I walked into the house or when I phoned him up the voice would immediately set off alarm bells. Either very seductive "Hi honey" or "you're late, what's your excuse".....that was one comment I had 2 weeks ago. It causes ridiculous behaviours too. If I pulled my car up outside his place and I knew he was out, I was petrified. Should I park on the right or left side of his drive? Did it matter? Yes it did because if I parked on the left and he approached home from the left or visa versa, it would make it more difficult for him to sweep into his drive. Then I'd get "what did you park there for, you know I was out.!!!" Yet the sad thing is, all these considerations become a normal part of life with a BPD.

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