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Please somebody help me understand this...
July 24, 2005
3:35 pm
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Anonymous
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Is there anybody out there that runs away from your problems instead of facing them head on? I have always been the "nip it in the bud" kind of person, therefore, I find it very difficult to relate to a person (my bf) who WILL NOT have a deep, heart-felt conversation without throwing up a wall then tucking tail and running. He will "disappear" for a few days, then show up again and test the waters with me to see if I've gotten over it or not. Then, as long as I don't bring anything back up, we just pick up where we left off, like nothing ever happened.

Because of this cycle, I know we would never make it as a couple long-term. Therefore, as of last night, I have decided to throw in the towel on this one.

I guess since today I'm still reeling from the blow-up we had last night when I tried to "discuss" some things with him, that I'm trying to make since of his behavior. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEONE WOULD CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY UNTIL THE SMOKE CLEARS, RATHER THAN STAY IN THERE UNTIL THERE IS SOME RESOLUTION.

July 24, 2005
3:49 pm
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Anonymous
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Lita,

I just read your post "Walk Away", and it appears you might be one of the one's here who can give me some insight on my own problem with my bf. I really need to not only understand this, but I'm wondering if I handled it the right way or not. I had him captive in my car as we were "talking", and I thought he was gonna literally open the door and jump out of a moving car. I have never dealt with this kind of person before, so I'm desperate for some understanding. Can you please help me? Anybody???

July 24, 2005
3:50 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi plz:

I don't know if it is because they cannot face reality or if it is type of punishment to us. My hubby will smart off something and then go elsewhere in the house and sulk and fuss to himself. But of course it's loud enough we hear what he's saying. If I try to confront him I usually get bit w/ everything he's bottled up. That's better that getting in the car and driving off which he used to do and it drove me crazy.

I don't know if your boyfriend has the temper too? When we were in marriage counseling we learned that because of his temper and his mouth, if a fight starts he is to walk away and go to his room for 15 min till he can calm down, then 15 more if needed. But not drive away in the car.

I know it's the codependency thing, but it totally irritates the heck outta me that a guy can just walk away and go have a good time to forget and leave us here with nothing to do but think about it. Or clean the house. lol.

July 24, 2005
3:58 pm
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Anonymous
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MamaC,

His temper did flare, but I am never afraid of him. He was just climbing the walls like a caged animal, just kept saying, "Let me out, let me out, take me to my car, NOW!" And the more I tried to talk calmly to him, the more antsy he got. When I finally brought him back to his vehicle, he literally ran to it, and took off. Over the 2 years I have known him, this has always been the way our discussions have ended up. Everything is fine as long as I don't bring up anything that pains him. I most definitely have been an escape from his problems, so when he's with me, he just wants to "forget about everything wrong in his life" and have fun.

I think it's healthy for people to "walk away" from a heated discussion for a short period of time in order for both parties to cool off and regroup. But that's not the case here. He will wait long enough and then will creep back in the back door so to speak to test the waters with me. Then usually because I really have missed having my best friend around, I just drop it, so we can pick up where we left off. Until it happens again....get it now? This really sucks! I wish I understood him more!

July 24, 2005
4:24 pm
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SexySadie
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I like to solve the problems etc...EX? does not, he would prefer to run from them. He hates confrontations. Thus why we are where we are right now...the grey zone. I'm just letting it be and letting him sort things out.

I think if you can learn to communicate better it helps things. I know that I am probably not the best communicator and that is something that I have been working on with my Therapist. I let my emotions get the best of me. But it's been nice lately to stop and see things from a different perspective.

July 24, 2005
4:29 pm
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on my way
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plz...
just for a second try to see it from his perspective. if he is not meeting a need of yours (your perception) then maybe he runs because he does not know what to say or do, all he knows is that you do not esteem him, and that perhaps he cannot do anything to please you. if he co0mes back it is because he cares. some guys just do NOT like those deep conversations especially if you are always saying "let's talk"...their heads are usually elsewhere.

i do not know you personally so i can only guage by what you say here, but my thoughts are to take a long look at yourself and figure out waht needs you may be projecting on him (unnecessarily( that you are tyring to have met, when he or perhaps no one can meet. anything from your childhood or past expereinces related?

THEN maybe he will want to talk. i am only speaking from expereince and i am a female too.

July 24, 2005
4:32 pm
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Anonymous
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SS, as usual, you inspire me! I have watched as you've held your head high, bitten the bullet, and done what you've had to do (even though it's been tough)as he has flaunted his "new" friend in your face. You are quite the woman, my friend. You are absolutely taking the high road, not trying to rescue him from his bad choices anymore, and letting HIM figure out what a bad decision he has made. And He will, you know. Because women like you don't come along every day, SS. I can tell by your posts that you have your head screwed on straight about all of this, and you are doing the right thing, even though you are dying inside. I love reading your posts, so keep 'em coming! I'm right behind you:)

Thanks for responding. It helps more than you know. Stay strong!

July 24, 2005
4:39 pm
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On my way,

Thanks for your perspective. Would it help to know that he doesn't just act this way with me? I've seen him do it with his parents, his siblings, his friends. Anyone who tries to dig beneath the surface, gets the door slammed in their face.

The thing about our relationship is, that I have spent 2 years along side him through a very turbulent time in his life. He KNOWS he can trust me, yet he still shuts me out. And when I try to keep him from running out on the conversation, he gets verbally abusive so as to "divert" the discussion. Then I get my feelings hurt that he would dare treat me that way, and the silence begins. Could be a few days...could be a few weeks. It's all happened before. But this time I am resolved to stick with the no contact rule. It's the one thing I can do for ME, to protect myself from further heartache. His problems are bigger than me...I've just tried to offer a soft place to fall. And this is the thanks I get:(

July 24, 2005
4:52 pm
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on my way
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oh, i apologize then.

you deserve so much better don't you think. it is his problem to solve, it sounds as if he cannot trust anyone, so no sense in you being the savior any longer? i know it hurts to give so much of yourself to someone, and be so close and then the walls go up. but you cannot tear them down, he has too.

di you read that post "THE WALL" that was here a couple of days ago? If you did, it sounds as if you have thrown many flowers over the wall to him, but he does not see them.

sounds as if you are working through this pretty well for yourself. hard to let go, and sometimes we can feel as if we are their only hope, but we are not. sometimes we can only plant a seed, adn it does not come to fruition until days, months, years, later.

hugs sweetie, and blessings to you and your decisions.

July 24, 2005
6:01 pm
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lita
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well to start with you dont do anything wrong. its not you its your bf issue. iam kinda shocked by what you said about how you were trying to talk to your boyfriend and he was ready to jump out of a moving car, because 2 nights ago my friend was trying to talk to me and i almost jumped out of a moving car to avoid talking about the problem. he had to stop the car, and let me go , because i was doing my famous run from everything, instead of talking things out. ok this is why i do it . maybe it well help, and iam trying to stop but ive done it for so long it will take time. here goes when ever i get into an argument, instead of talking the first thing i do is leave, angry of course,because if your angry not many people will stop you from leaving. but i leave because iam scared or hurt , do you get what i mean, theres always something deeper than whats on the outside. i dont know how to let my real feelings out iam afraid to be honest and vulnerable, mostly i feel weak if i let the other person know how i feel . then for me it gets worse because i have to say iam sorry, which for me is not easy has well i dont want to admit iam wrong for leaving, and saying hurtful things. now iam in counseling so i have everyone telling me you cant run away you have to stay but running it seems easier than dealing with what iam feeling, i even have my mom telling to stop running away, my friend telling me has well, but people dont understand its something i have been doing for a long time, it comes down to i dont know how to talk about what bothers me or what iam feeling. so if someone tries to talk it out, its time for me to leave it gets to deep for me. i hope i helped a little

July 24, 2005
6:54 pm
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On my way,

No need to apologize, sweetie! I appreciate your kind and well-thought out response. I just read "The Wall" with tears running down my face. I don't know how I missed that thread before, so thanks for pointing it out to me. Yes, I have been throwing many flowers over, but to no avail. It is very sad that I can not reach him, but you are right in that HE is the one who has to tear the wall down from his side.

Lita,

You are such a sweetheart to reply so honestly to my cry for help. I feel so helpless to reach him, and yes, you have helped me to understand a little better what it feels like to be him. I always over-analize after the fact, and believe that somehow if I'd have approached him differently or had better timing, then maybe he wouldn't run this time. The thing is, there is NEVER a good time with him. Thank you for reminding me that this truly is HIS issue, and it's up to him (if he doesn't like it) to change it.

That's really interesting to me that you just had an identical experience with a moving car. I'm serious that if he could have gotten the door unlocked (he kept hitting the window button instead), I think he would've jumped. It was crazy!!! I really felt sad for him that he was freaking out so. He just had to get away!!! Then, after he had pulled out, he called 15 minutes down the road.

I understand what you are saying about him being scared and hurt. I could see the pain in his eyes. It's almost like I hit a nerve and he's afraid if he let's go of what he's feeling, he won't be able to stop the flow. I told him he can be real with me. I have begged him to remove his masks and let me love him. I believe he wants to but he retreats to what he's always done when it comes down to it. Can you ever be totally intimate with someone who only partly lets you in?

Thanks again, Lita, for trying to help me see the light. I really do love him and want to see him healthy and whole. BTW, he is NOT in counseling. Don't know if his pride would ever allow it.

July 24, 2005
7:08 pm
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donna25
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Thats exactly what my guy was like...when I needed to talk to him about something that may of been uncomfortable...ex."John, when our plans change, I need you to call me tell me they have changed, when you don't it makes me feel angry" thats how my therapist told me to approach it, and he did exactly what he said he would he got defensive..never verbally asbusive never...but would just shut down and then couldn't wait to get off the phone...and then might not call me till the next day and same thing see if I was still mad...this particular night he called me at 1 am and said "are you still angry" and I said no I said what I needed to say now lets move on. I've told him during one our "bonding talks" that thats how I deal with conflict I like to address it, resolve it and move on...isn't that easier, but he just can't, he just wants to get away from it...anyway as some of you may know we broke up last week because of a conflict (went back on lava because he said he was bored) and told him if he wasn't going to take it down then I couldn't continue to see him and he said he couldn't be a boyfriend right now he needs to put is energy elsware...I've since been in contact with him just on msn...we haven't talked about anything...I suppose there is not much more I can say about it...I just wish he could communicate his needs better, at least then I would of better understood what he needed right now..so now I'm just left feeling confused and missing him just as much as I did.

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