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Please respond - I'm losing it here
January 29, 2005
11:37 am
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msguud
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Help - I am so uptight. It is day 12 of no contact from him and I have been on various threads telling people not to call their exs, and I'm hanging by a thread here. I think I'm so strong some days and today it's wearing me down. It's all I can think about. My first severe breakup with someone else I drank for a long time and quit. My next one I used antidepressants and quit. Am trying to do this without any meds at all, but am starting to feel like a genuine addict would feel with no heroin or something. I also feel like a loser because I feel this way and I can't get a handle on it. He's all I can think about. He's always on my mind. I'm crying. I'm going through the everyday motions of trying to keep busy, doing my work, taking care of my dogs, etc. etc. going to CoDA meetings, AA meetings, counselling, reading books, coming here. Nothing is making me feel better. I'm almost at the point of thinking I absolutely will have to get back on antidepressants because I'm so damn unhappy and want to contact him.

I know what the outcome for me will be if I drink. I know what the outcome will be for me if I contact him: rejection and more hurt. I feel very worthless today and I'm sure it's my co-dependency kicking in again.

You would think by Day 12 I could come out of this helpless feeling. I don't want to go back on antidepressants, but maybe I do have a chemical imbalance like the doctor says. Maybe that is a real thing. I just don't feel happy in anything. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing. I honestly feel hopeless and helpless and I'm tired of trying to be strong. It's getting too damn hard.

Can someone please talk to me?

January 29, 2005
11:45 am
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sdesigns
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Hi msguud: First of all 12 days is not that long so don't be so hard on yourself. You can't put a time limit on thses things and its different for every person. I know its hard to think of other things but try to keep busy- get out of the house. Go do something- go to Starbuck's, take a drive, go to a park, museum, book store, the mall, etc. Maybe buy something nice for yourself, or get your nails done, get a new hairstyle, go to the gym, get a massage, go to a movie. Something to treat you well- because you deserve it and don't deserve to hurt. And you're right about more rejection and hurt if you call him- so don't. Would you stick your hand over a flame and keep it there on purpose? Of course not- it would hurt. This is the same. Protect yourself. You will respect yourself more if you get to day 13! And weekends are the hardest so today counts extra!! Hang in there. SD

January 29, 2005
12:00 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I know it is hard; but you can do it. Sounds like you are trying awfully hard. Are you trying to hard? Sometimes when we try to hard we make the problem bigger than it really is. I see you are keeping busy. That's good.

Maybe meditate, do exercise, sewing, anything to take the edge off. Anything legal anyway.

This too shall pass.

January 29, 2005
12:02 pm
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addicts wife
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DOnt beat yourself up for havingfeelings!!! They are yours, and no matter what, youre human, and having feelings is normal!!!
COud the extra anxiety be hormonal?? A full moon is a comin' I tend to tweak a little around the moon, and my "cycle."
Remember to breath, take a few long ~~~~ S-L-O-W deeeep breaths, look in your doggies eyes, and rub their bellies!!!
YOU cna get through this day, break down the time into 15 minute increments, (sometimes helpful to me)
Sometimes a good healthy cry to wallow around in your poop is good, claim it own it, then you can let it alll go, and gain strength in the choices ,and decisions that WORKEd positively for ya'
go draw a happy silly stick figure, and tell yourself you ROCK!!! hang the silly picture on your fridge, and tell yourseelf YOU ROCK, and youre gunna, GET through this day, minute, mood, etc...
Ok, go find the crayons now.. turn on an empowring song.. and dance around the house in your underwear, and When you feel silly, LAUGH!!!!

January 29, 2005
12:07 pm
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sewunique
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I know you are feeling nervous and all those yucky feelings are there.

The best defense; remain cool, calm, collected and look him in the eye (if possible) and think of where you,ve been thru all this stuff with him.

Say what you have to say to him; minimally, then you can have your scream or cry AFTER he leaves. And this gang will still be here afterwards to vent and sound off to us!

January 29, 2005
12:47 pm
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CAMER
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you have made it this far, keep holding on and keep posting here...you are not alone, and try your hardest as Sew said to remain calm and cool....time will pass by, and it will feel like a lifetime, keep holding on, and know you have so much support here!

January 29, 2005
12:52 pm
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msguud
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Thank you all so much. Had another good cry. Feel a little better with all of you responding and encouraging me. I am going to get dressed and get to the hospital where I cuddle babies in the NICU. I will pull myself together for them, as they need me to be strong for them, so I will. I'll write again later in the evening. Thank you all.

January 29, 2005
6:01 pm
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destino
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its all part of the process, but if you think that maybe antidepressants will help maybe you should try them again. You have to do anything that will make you feel better. You should just keep going to the meetings,what one dont do another may. i know for myself i found a lot of strength in the rooms, but you have to keep going. It will get better 12 days really isnt long keep holding out and maybe hes feeling it to try not to give in. keep strong

January 29, 2005
6:03 pm
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Anonymous
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You can get through this, one minute at a time.

Love,

Ren'ai

January 29, 2005
6:16 pm
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hurtman
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Your not alone, I get these same feelings. One of the things I'm learning to do (but not mastered) is take 3 deep breaths and distract myself, or write it down and put it in the trash. It's not easy, but our minds like to play tricks on us, but only if we let it.

January 30, 2005
5:46 am
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lilacwine05
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Hi Addictswife

I liked your post.....getting out the underwear and empowering song right now ...hehehe

also liked the stickfigures now I just need some crayons 🙂

and msguud....I hear you...and I hope you can be strong...I'm trying to be but not having a whole lot of success (spoke to him friday nite).
Maybe try something like a new form of exercise etc instead of the drugs or alcohol....it might take your mind off things and you can throw yourself into it??
I've just restarted kickboxing classes and I feel really good afterwards.

January 31, 2005
9:23 am
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msguud
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Hi All: Cuddled some truly beautiful babies on Saturday. Then went to a Pet Expo with a friend and got a whole bunch of new dog food samples to try for my "girls" (two shih-tzus and a toy pom). Then her and I went for supper, met a guy at the next table, had some laffs with him, found out he knows my brother-in-law real good (small world). Didn't like the fact that he had one pint after another to the tune of about five in a couple of hours. Anyway, don't care, that's his problem. Got thru Saturday because then I was tired.

Sunday typed all day, went to my sister's for supper, steam-cleaned my carpets, then to an AA meeting. Glad I went, as I ran into an girl I used to work with and really like her. Sat next to her husband last week (never met him before). I have been thiking about her all week for some reason (God working in strange ways). It was a birthday meeting last nite, so she came. We are gonna hook up soon. She is a very inspiring person to be around. Her husband had 24 years in. He spoke about his view of alcohol on him, but I took it as my relationship with my ex. Here it is. I thought it really pertained:

I was like a dog screwing a skunk
I didn't get all I wanted,
but I knew I had all I could stand.

That sure struck home. That's so true. I really couldn't stand his crap anymore, but yet I wanted more. But not being able to stand it will get me thru thinking about it.

Anyway, just wanted you all to know that. I'm on Day 14 now of no contact. I'm still hurting, but am using the elastic band thing on the wrist. That helps.

Bye for now. Thanks to all of you. I still need your support, even tho it sounds like I'm a bit better. I still really really hurt here. thanks again. I love you all.

January 31, 2005
11:07 pm
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Juliska
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Antidepressants aren't evil nor does taking them mean you're "weak."

Get back on your antidepressants!!

Been there. I take 'em. Believing you don't "need" meds or stoically trying to "make it on your own" is a very proud attitude.

And pride goeth before a fall.

Peace.

February 1, 2005
7:34 pm
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eternaloptimist
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Hi msguud!

It takes about 80 days to get a habit out of your system. I'm not trying to bring you down here, but 80 days in the scheme of things is really small, you know?

I have been dealing with a situation where my wife wanted space so I told her I would leave her alone. since I told her that, I haven't had an period of more than 5 days. You are doing Great!

Keep it up, chic! Life will surely improve for you in time. It has for me.

Take care and be strong!

Eternal

February 1, 2005
7:52 pm
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addicts wife
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hope youre all doin well today!! I danced with the vacuum cleaner and the beastie boys todaay, That wwas great!!
Take GOOD care, and keep posting!!

February 2, 2005
9:18 am
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msguud
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Thanks Julisla, Eternaloptomist and Addicts Wife. Eighty days, eh? Well, I'm on day 16 so a ways to go, then. I feel like I'm just going thru the motions of everyday life, but really wanting to just hide under the covers and cry. I am doing everything I'm supposed to do as far as work and working out and taking care of my dogs. You know, everyone who knows me and even some who don't say: look at where you are in life, you got it all by hard work, worked two jobs all my life (I'm 55), am totally self-sufficient. Maybe I'm just getting tired of doing it on my own and still keep picking the wrong guys. Hopefully CODA will teach me to get out of that cycle.

Mr. Optomist - I wish I could be like you. I've always been a pessimist. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I see a freight train coming at me. It's really hard to try to tell yourself positive things about yourself when you don't feel it at all. Well, maybe going to the gym and losing inches will give me more of a self-image. It has in the past so I guess I'll just focus on that for now.

I have friends coming from out of town today and that will occupy my day. I just feel so damn alone, even in a crowd.

Thanks for listening. I'm gonna get on with the day and try praying again for some strength.

Peace.

February 2, 2005
2:50 pm
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kathygy
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As you go through your recovery from this relationship think about the relationship with yourself. Be your own best friend and say the things to yourself you would say to your best friend. Whatever you do, do not take it personally that the relationship ended. Know that you are a good and loveable person who deserves the love of a good man.

February 2, 2005
3:00 pm
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marley
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msguud-
16 days is a lot! You are doing so well. It takes some serious time and even months later, sometimes I still wonder about stuff, but it is so much better to just make a clean break and walk away. Better to get through the no contact period and start your life over.

My ex and I broke up a year ago and we still talk, and that is all we still do. It is awful, every time I see him or he calls I get so upset and out of sorts that it takes about a day to recover. I often think why do I do this to myself, how much better would I feel if he was just gone gone gone. Stay strong though - you give me hope that I can finally stop talking to him.

February 2, 2005
6:33 pm
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msguud
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Thank you dear friends for replying. My out-of-town friends did not stay overnite like I'd hoped, so I'm lonely again. I'll keep trying. It's very very very hard for me to tell myself I'm worth something. I just never have said it or felt it. Lots and lots and lots of people have told me that, but I don't get it for myself. I honestly don't know how a person gets self-esteem when they have never had it. Dammit I hate it that I let someone do this to me. I hope he hurts like hell for it. I know one thing, he will never ever erase the memory of me from his mind because all I did was give him love and kindness when everyone else called him a jerk. Well, better get to work and stop crying. I wish to God I could quit thinking about him. I'm busy, doing all sorts of extra things and it just eats away at me constantly.

February 2, 2005
7:43 pm
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runt
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I was just thinking today about past loves that I thought I would never get over. You talk about it to everyone you know until they cant stand you anymore. You feel lost, jealous, sick, hopeless and totally consumed with sadness.

Fastforward 1 year: What the HELL was I thinking? and: Why did I waste my time?!!!

In relationships you cannot take things personally. it was meant to be for the time it was. There was something to learn. We are all teachers and students every moment of our lives and every thing we go thru, good or bad, has a gift attatched if we are open enough to receive it.

Hopefully, someday, I will learn to take my own advice!

February 2, 2005
10:54 pm
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msguud
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Dear Runt: Thank you for that. How true your words are. I guess it's just hard for me to get thru this because I was alone for a long time, went through a hell of a depression for a year and a half, then was so ready for a relationship and wanted to be happy forever. Just picked the wrong guy. He honed in on me quite well. He needed me to do everything for him, and I needed love. The old parent-child thing. I guess that's what I've learned from that. Maybe I'm sad because I fell for it. Hell, I don't know. Every day goes on and on. I wish so much we could have made it. I really really loved him. But thanks so much for your kindness. I truly respect everyone's opinion on here. Peace.

February 2, 2005
10:59 pm
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Kentuckygirl24
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ms~ goodness, here you are being strong for me and we are on the same boat. I'm proud of you for the strength that you have. Keep it up. I believe in you. We just need to pray and get through this rough time. Know that you are loved, and special, we all are in God's eyes. He is there all the time. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. I really really loved my ex, I still do, I think I always will, and I don't feel bad for loving him, I just feel bad because I need to let go, it's over. But I am here for u.

February 3, 2005
12:13 am
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msguud
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Thanks Ms. Kentucky: I believe in you, too, so guess what, the day is almost over and tomorrow is your B.D., right? I hope some good comes your way soon. I'm just working like hell these days to keep busy. Then at night I'm so damn tired that I welcome sleep, and I do sleep about 6 hrs a nite, so that's okay. I wish you a peaceful night - and to all of you on here.
Ms.P.

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