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Please let me off this rollercoaster...
May 25, 2005
9:57 am
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artist 2
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Sure, everything was great until he came over last night after out drinking with the guys. What a turn off. He doesn't listen when he's drunk and we ended up talking, with his saying the same thing over and over, for two and a half hours. I got little sleep.

This is driving me crazy. I was craving to be with him yesterday. And NOW, I'm very turned off. Sure he's different when he sober, but I don't want to have to start over with him every week for the rest of my life.

Just when I was getting it, that no drama can be peaceful, this all starts up again.

I wonder if it's just miscommunication on my part or his or both? Can we get over this i wonder... Are we capable of having a peaceful relationship I wonder.

I'm feeling many doubts this morning. I just don't want to talk to him at all. Maybe I should just give it some time and leave it alone.

May 25, 2005
10:03 am
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2bstrong
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Hey artist...

IMHO--trust your gut. Sounds as if any kind of contact is toxic for you. Time is so important in healing and sorting through confusing feelings. Listen to your heart and mind. You need time, creative space as I like to call it...artist2...take time away to get a clear picture of what is happening.

It's painful, but it's the only way.

(((((hugs to you)))))

May 25, 2005
10:03 am
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starshine
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Artist2,
I've come to realize that one rule I must adhere to is not speaking to him if he has been drinking, either over the phone or in person. This is for my well-being, and let's face it, they don't remember what was said during the conversation anyway the next morning. This is a total waste of energy, thought, emotion, etc. It's like talking to the wall. Don't put yourself through this, now you just get to go through today physically tired and emotionally drained. What's the alcoholic doing? Nursing a hangover and planning his next drink! Don't short yourself like this, set that boundry and don't let it move! I know its tough, but you are worth it! Keep the faith, know who you are, and listen to that little voice inside thats screaming to be free from this!! God Bless,

Starshine

May 25, 2005
10:14 am
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exoticflower
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Artist, I wonder very seriously if this guy is a redhead with an ex and a baby who just moved?

I'm starting to see that all of these guys described have similar personality complexities--don't listen when drinking, sweet as pie otherwise, leave us feeling like we are looking for trouble, difficult to comunicate anything but praise to...

Just something I've been noticing. The codependant in me I'm ashamed to admit, sees the posts these other ladies write, and rather than saying 'wow, what a jerk', I always think for a second "caught him! I knew he would run off to someone else in a month or less!!!"

That aside, Artist2, this guy makes you feel bad. If it's you or not, if you want off the roller coaster, it doesn't make much sense to keep waiting for a guy to pick you up and carry you off of it, you can get off yourself. Of course then you have to hang out at the amusement park yourself for a while, but it's a big park full of guys that listen to you and don't snore, and ultimately, just that you can later ENJOY being with. That's what it's about, ejoying your relationship.

Do you think that there is a lot of good too? I mean, are these posts just one small part of it or is the entire thing this sort of quiet frustration and doubt? I feel for you, I really do, I hope this gets better for you in some way.

May 25, 2005
10:19 am
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artist 2
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Thanks flower, starshine, bstrong. There are many good things about him that I don't talk about here. I think you are right about talking to him when he's drinking. I tried it before, but stupid me insisted that he come over to my place afterwards last night. I was being stupid. So, maybe that's the solution. Or maybe I just need to create space in time to think about all this, to decide if I want any of it.

Thanks for listening, artist 2

May 25, 2005
10:22 am
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codep
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artist, I suggest definitely not having "serious" talks while he is under the influence, people say and do stupid stuff while drunk "I'm an example" When I'm drunk, all of my pain comes to the surface and I take it out on whomever I am serious with. not in a violent way, but I get all sappy and sad and feel so worthless. Anyway, is the drinking a problem with him? or was it just one of those "guys night out things"? if that is in fact that case then I wouldnt read too much into his behavoir last night and just take a few days and then talk to him, if it is a problem with him and you do love him and want this to work, you gotta talk to him. I dont know how long you have been going out with him but is he worth all of these twists and turns on your "rollercoaster"? The best question to ask when so confused is, can I accept him for who he is right now? b/c people dont change in relationships they have no motivation to b/c they are content "especially men" they only can change on their own.

May 25, 2005
10:41 am
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artist 2
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Well, he brought it up. Then when I had something to say, he interrupted and wouldn't listen to me. We've been dating for four months. I have brought a lot of drama into the relationship from time to time, just needing to speak my fears and insecurities. He has his share of dramaticizing things as well. When things are good between us, I'm fairly content. The sex is good, which is important to both of us. But, when we're 70 that won't be as important. I wonder what will be left after the sex fades? I enjoy talking with him because when he's sober, he listens and is sensitive.

The thing is... I lose respect for him every time he goes out drinking. He wants me to meet his buddies and them me. He has a need for everyone to get along. I do not have the slightest inclination to get to know his drinking buddies. Not at all. Right now, my respect for him is low. But, later on after we spend better moments together and start rebuilding, it will go up. I'm just afraid he will do this again and we'll have to have long talks and get all dramatic again.

I can say though I've learned something. That drama is not all it's cracked up to be. And, that peace is better than drama.

May 25, 2005
10:44 am
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exoticflower
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"Or maybe I just need to create space in time to think about all this, to decide if I want any of it."

Artist, I think that is spot on, needing space and time to think outside of the situation, but you don't have to be so black and white about what you have to decide--there are a million in between things that could help. Do you know WHAT you want from the relationship? What you are willing to tollerate and not? Where you want to see your own future going and how he can contribute to that direction best?

Again, just some thoughts.

((((((((((((((a2))))))))))))))

May 25, 2005
10:50 am
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artist 2
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What inbetween things do you mean flower?

I want a man to attend to me, which he does. The thing he doesn't do is inspire me to reach my goals. My life has been interrupted since he came along. My own fault really. I allowed it to happen. The problem is I don't know when I'm going or when. So, it's kind of like I'm dallying around while he's in my life.

Tolerate? rudeness, insensitivity, abuse.

May 25, 2005
11:00 am
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codep
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I see what your saying, when he comes around "non drunk" he is a very "great" guy. So just the drinking part. hmmm, I would tell him "when he is sober of course" how this makes you feel. You state that he is sensitive to your needs and listens to you during these times. Start with "when your drinking I feel" this takes the pressure off him and keeps him from being defensive.. If he cares about your feelings he will be willing to compromise and understand how you feel during these times and be motivated to make "YOU" feel better. Goodluck....

May 25, 2005
11:13 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Artist; There seems to be a substantial amount of things that bother you about this relationship. It basically doesn't make you feel good or comfortable. Is this really what you want, just so that you have someone? I think there have been enough negatives that maybe you should think about finding someone else. The negatives are important- religion, and drinking and partying, for example. I gave up drinkers a long time ago- too problematic. Can you take some time and look into the future and think about if you could live w/ this forever? With him being the same as he is? SD

May 25, 2005
11:32 am
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artist 2
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Yeah... I hear you sdesigns. If it keeps coming up weekly, I might opt out. I think I need to give it a couple of more weeks though. thing is, religion is so new in my life, and I am once again finding myself disenchanted with the church I'm attending. It's the politics, you know.

The man feeds so much for me. When he's "on" he's kind and tender and fills me up in so many ways. I think there's enough good to see it for a couple more weeks.

But, yes, you're right. There are some things that don't work for me too.

May 25, 2005
2:00 pm
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kathygy
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artist, no matter how good things are when he is sober it doesn't out weigh how bad they are when he is drinking. I doubt that he will give up drinking. Why give it anymore time? Do want two more weeks of the same treatment? A relationship should bring out all the best in you and enable you to stretch and grow. I don't see that here.

May 25, 2005
3:47 pm
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artist 2
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Something to think about kathyg. True, the bad things seem to always outweigh the good. They are the most hurtful and thus, most memorable. Truth be told, my life has been suspended since I've dated him. I've made lots of adjustments to accomodate him in my life. I'm going to try one more week to see how he is on his drinking night.

May 25, 2005
4:49 pm
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exoticflower
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What I meant, artist, is that you may concider other options such as 'be friends and wait and see where it brings you', have a trial run with him where you both work on your issues, date but not be a serious couple, set boundries and come back to the situation after some time to work on your own issues...I don't know, specificly, but so often people get caught up in a two solution dillema without listing every solution no matter how outrageous and see if anything strikes them while mulling it over as something worth concidering.

Although I agree that his drinking sounds like a big issue, something you should really think about wheter you are willing to accept in your life, as well as why you think you can deal with it if you do. It does sound to me like you cannot and won't which I think is great, but I understand that people do sometimes decide that the rest of the relationship is more important for whatever reason, and there are tools and programs for you then. I have my opinion, of course, but ultimately, I just hope you feel at peace with whatever you decide.

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