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PLEASE HELP. Sexually Explicit!!
June 16, 2007
1:32 pm
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Anonymous
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Glad for you, (((NL))), your daughter and the family. Keep listening to your mom intuition and your boundaries.

June 27, 2007
2:23 am
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northernlights
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This is an update for this thread. We have continued to learn more about this situation with my daughter and how this has happened. While extremely disturbing, things are getting worked out. My question is this...has anyone experienced this sort of thing and then had trouble with intimacy. The sexual abuse did not happen to me but I just can't bring myself to be intimate with my husband. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. Will this just pass? Any opinions are appreciated. Thanks.

June 27, 2007
2:29 am
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fantas
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Northernlights...I am sorry that things just keep happening. I am not surprised that you are having problems with intimacy. I am sure on some level, knowing what happened to your daughter has affected how you view sexual intimacy. You now see it not just as an exciting thing but as something that can also be used to hurt. Also I think that your inlaws were somewhat involved does affect how you view your husband. I think it would be good to seek counselling for all of you so you can explore these issuee. I know that most if not all people who have been sexually molested struggle with intimacy and trust. Hang in there and keep posting...

June 27, 2007
2:36 am
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northernlights
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Thanks Fantas. I don't feel like I could be directing anything towards my husband. He is just so supportive of me and my feelings...even when they are maybe mis directed.. maybe just the constant worry and stress is finally getting to me. It turns out my 7 year old son is involved in this whole mess. When he was 3 a 6 year old little girl copied a sexual act (Oral sex) on him while we were at a bday party. They were just in the kitchen and I walked in and she was sitting on top of him with none of her clothes on. That issue was addressed then, and we just though he had forgotten about it. Apparently not...he is a big factor in this, but DIDN't even realize he was doing something terribly wrong. The stress is just too much to think about. I worry about them all the time. Maybe intimacy just needs to be on the back burner. My husband doesn't pressure me at all-he's also exhausted from worry, but it's not great for a marriage to not have some intimacy. We have forced it a couple times with eachother but it just doesn't feel the same.

June 27, 2007
8:42 am
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risingfromtheashes
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how about finding OTHER ways to exhibit intimacy....snuggling, kissing, carressing, showering or bathing together, hot tubbing, massage...just be together physically to help relieve the stress, without worrying about going to the sexual side of things.

Maybe put some relaxing music on, light some candles with a soothing scent and just snuggle on the couch, just quietly...just holding eachother...snuggling.

I am having trouble with sexual activity because I am pregnant...so my partner and I have had to improvise...and I have found that if I touch, snuggle, carress, he is satisfied, but if I shut down completely, he hurts from lack of my touch.

giving non-sexual massages can be a great way to be intimate and can relieve the stress.

I am sorry this is snowballing on you...but glad you aren't sweeping it under the rug. If there's any case to be made about ignorning the situation, I think the situation with your son is proof that thinking "it's nothing, it won't have lasting effects", is totally false. I understand how you could think the situation with your son years ago was no big deal...it's amazing what kids DO remember at that age.

June 27, 2007
10:52 am
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Loralei
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Northernlights,

Perhaps if you tried to look at the situation as innocent childhood experimentation and exploration, that it would put your own mind at ease. I'm sure you are relieved that the incident did not involve any adults. That would have been an entirely different matter and could have very well harmed your daughter on a deeper level. But young children fooling around is just that, fooling around. Yes, they will remember what happened, but unless someone else makes them feel ashamed, then it probably won't have a detrimental effect.

I was a very precocious child starting at age 5 and did a lot of fooling around with male and female children around my own age. It was just a natural part of growing up and never had any kind of negative affect on any of us. Children are sexual creatures. To me, this would just fall under the category of inappropriate play, not any form of abuse.

I would think all of your initial fears and doubts are the source of your own intimacy problems. It may just take time for your body to readjust to the fact that things aren't nearly as bad as you first imagined. You had a traumatic, emotional experience when you feared your child was sexually abused. It will take time for you to come down from that state of panic.

Where your children are concerned, just make sure they both understand that they are not allowed to play like adults. Don't make either of them feel ashamed or that what they were doing was bad because that in itself could scar them. Just don't give them opportunities to be alone together or to sleep in the same room. Just take reasonable precautions and things will go back to normal. And give yourself time to heal.

June 27, 2007
2:03 pm
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northernlights
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rising and Loralei..thank you. Snuggling is nice and we have been doing that. We just both decided to take the pressure off of ourselves and enjoy eachother in any way we can-even just watching tv together. I think you are right Loralei that I may be harboring the intial feelings I had when we though she was being abused by an adult. I think things will get better soon.

June 29, 2007
6:04 pm
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weeping willow
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norternlights i was abused as a child my self and i think it might be an idea for you to try looking at the sexual intimacey between you and your husband as the main way that you express your love to each other and take yourself away from the guilt you feel because these bad things did happen, and what you do need to know is that it wasnt your fault, its important for you to be sexual with your partner because its natural and has unspoken tenderness between you both . i also think that because i look at the sexual intimacy in my relationship as unique and a bit of an adventure that we make special time to go on together it seperates it from every thing else in my life and enables me to relax. i hope i have been able to help.

August 5, 2007
5:36 pm
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fantas
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bumping this for tenderheart

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