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Please Help! Need Advice Bad.
November 14, 2006
6:42 pm
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ShortCake
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I have some decisions to make and I don’t know how to make them.

First here is a basic background on my situation. I was dating this guy (early June to September), things were great when we were dating, I was so happy and felt emotions of joy and security. I thought I had finally met “The one”. I am 29 years old and I have never been successful in dating, and when I love I love deep… Needless to say, I gave it all believing I had found something true. Then one day he starts treating me funny, and not touching me physically. I finally confront him and he states he is scared to deal with his emotions and can’t make a commitment to me or anyone right now in his life. He has been hurt badly in the past, and is working on getting his life together. He has a crapy job and is living at home. He moved to this town last January and started over. He is still trying to get on his feet. His mom says wonderful things to me like… He can’t commit because he needs to find his way, he has nothing to offer a women, but cares deeply for you… She tells me he will come around… yadda yadda.

We have remained friends and the friendship is hard because he seems to be doing okay and enjoys the time we spend together. Once we became friends till the end of October we saw each other a few times a week, and were VERY close emotionally and mentally. During the last few weeks he is putting a lot of space in between us. He is going out with all his friends, not texting me as much and doing his own thing. He keeps me dangling on the side by inviting me to Thanksgiving and away for the holiday weekend, but makes only flaky plans with me and he then forgets to call or follow through. I am very confused by his need to be alone and have space, his desire to plan weekend trips with me, and the way when we are close it feels so RIGHT.

I am studying my codependent books and I am learning a lot about myself and about my relationship patterns. I guess where I am freaked out is… Part of me wants to go home. I am from the Northwest and I am tired of living in SoCal and never making any REAL friends. My friends love me in the Northwest. I am looking at my life and trying to see why I stay… I love SoCal and the sunshine, beaches and many activities always around… however, I am learning that my only friend is my ex who wants space (but also wants me in his life).

I don’t know what to do? Am I fool for staying around hoping his mom and his friends are right about him just being scared and soon he will want more from me? The signs of him wanting space and forgetting to follow through with plans… is this a sign he is letting me go? Or will the space make him miss me? Am I a fool?

Recently life is throwing me some hard balls to dodge. I have just found out that I have some options in another state. I feel horrible for thinking about leaving, I feel if I leave and this guys figures things out I will wake up alone and even more sad in another state. Should I Stay or Should I go Now…. so many wonderful people love me in this other state. I would be surrounded by friends and family. I don’t have that here…. All I have is my ex who is my friend… I am lonely, and can’t seem to figure out new ways to make friends.

Any advice would be great!!!! How do you decide to move and try something new? Take a chance on a new start? Some people say I am running away from my fears if I leave, are they right? How do you walk away from someone you love knowing they might change? Or is that my problem…. Do they ever change? I try and tell myself he is not unhealthy, but a healthy guy might not cause so much sadness and crazy in my life… then I tell myself I am the unhealthy one and I read my books, study my 12 step coda plan and continue to soul search in my life… What do I want out of life???

November 14, 2006
7:07 pm
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StronginHim77
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Unless this guy is 19, he is NOT going to change. This is who he is. And I get a very creepy feeling about the input from his mother. How did it become a "triangle?" She definitely should not be involved and should NOT be contacting you.

My gut instinct on this may seem harsh (and I hope I am wrong!!), but here goes:

I am guessing that you slept with him. Translation: you guys had SEX. He is now ready to move on.

This is a classic scenario. Once most guys have "sampled the goods," they are ready to move on and look for a greater challenge. That's the nature of the beast.

Stop calling him. Stop making excuses for him. The time to decide you are not ready for commitment is not AFTER you have had sex with someone...it is BEFORE. Shame on him, if he has used you like this. But you certainly won't be the first woman who has experienced being dumped after giving your "all" to a guy. I see it all the time.

My heart goes out to you. I would like to recommend a book to you. The title is horrible, but the content would probably help you alot. (It sure helped me.) It is called WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES. Can't remember the author's name, but it is written by a woman radio talk-host and really makes alot of sense. She gets down to the nitty-gritty: why women should NEVER go to bed with a guy, before they have known them for at least a month or so...why women should retain their own "life" of interests and friendships, instead of centering it on the guy, etc. (Men find this attractive. If they figure out they are the center of your life, they will run for the hills. Also, they don't want what they can have easily.)

I hope this helps. May not be what you want to hear and I may be totally off the mark here (hope so...cause it sure will hurt more, if you HAVE slept with him), but I am trying to give you the most truthful and down-to-earth feedback that I can.

- Ma Strong

November 14, 2006
7:08 pm
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Rasputin
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ShortCake -

I'm in the same boat as you!!! In fact I applied to another place for relocation and am looking forward to it. It will help me to forget my xbf totally & completely. I am optimistic and I'm pretty sure...if a man loves a woman, he would do whatever it takes to win her over or pursue and chase her...whatever it takes.

Remember honey...if it's meant to be, it will be. Move to the next level, go to that state. In fact, I am so scared just like you coz I know relocation is VERY stressful and scary. Yet, I am taking a step in faith and quite optimistic about it.

I refuse to love someone who does not love me, or is not sure about wanting to committ to me.

Blessings, Ras~

November 14, 2006
7:30 pm
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turnabout
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Which one of you is unhealthy? Both! That's why you ended up together.

I don't know whether he's letting you go right now, but he's definitely taking you for granted, and you deserve better. We all deserve better than that.

I was involved with a guy who sounds like this one. He was a real sweetheart, but very insecure. A big part of it was because he felt like he had nothing to offer. We broke up but remained friends, and in the pressureless context of friendship, our relationship blossomed. We became closer than ever. However, when the relationship began to intensify again into something more, he ran like a scared little girl right into someone else's arms, excusing it with the "we were just friends" reasoning, and that our relationship was "always vague."

It isn't about you, ShortCake. He's scared of himself, and you can't fix that. It really looks like there's no potential there based on this. And don't let the friendship line hook you in to waiting around for him.

I suspect that if you really love it in SoCal, you would regret moving back east. If you were ill (that's emotional OR physical) I would say that having your ready-made support system around would be very valuable to you, but you just seem lonely and discontented socially, both of which can be remedied where you are. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

After everything fell apart (friendship and everything) with the guy I mentioned before, I also lost a lot of friendship I'd hoped I could count on. Turns out I couldn't. I spent about a year being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Then, this spring I reinvolved myself in something I really loved in high school and college. I got involved in community theatre, and I have been amazed! I went from my lonely pity parties to ..WHOOSH!!!.. instant friends, and now I have to schedule alone time instead of worrying about what I might miss by staying at home. I'm sure there's something you really love and that makes you feel good about yourself. Pursue that and pursue finding other people to love it, too. You'll be amazed like I was at how quickly life can turn around for the better.

Best of luck to you!

November 14, 2006
7:48 pm
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ShortCake
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Ma Strong - Your right I did sleep with him. The main reason his mother is involoved is because I have been very close friends with her over a year. I met her playing volleyball and when her son moved to San Diego and she brought him to the games.

Ras - Your right I should not be worring about someone who does not love or want to commit to me.

Turnabout - When you wrote this is not about ME, its about HIM.. that really makes sense and ties into my coda studies i am doing...

Thanks!!!!

I am going to continue to look into my options regarding this other state, but also nothing has to be decided over night. So I will take some time and try to remember, lonely stages in life come and go!!!

Shortcake

November 14, 2006
8:01 pm
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clownface
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Shortcake~

Get these books if possible:

Why Men Love Bitches-Sherry Argov

Women who love too much-Robin Norwood

How to fall out of love-Debora Phillips

I have been reading/folloiwing the instructions from Why Men L Bitches, and now my ex is driving me crazy. Not that you want that to happen, but the guidelines she provides-WORK!

Best of luck to you as you make some important decisions---I'd go for the fam : )

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