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please help my heart
January 1, 2006
12:47 pm
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Lass
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It is so windy here, blowing hard, a moody day after how I feel. All I want to do in the whole world is talk to him, see him. I am crying, woke up all night in tears. I can't seem to get it through my head and heart. I am in such grief. What can I do here? Sinaed O'Conner's song, "Nothing Compares, to You" keeps rolling through me.

Please pray. I don't understand why I am so stuck on this man, why I feel like I can't bear up to life without him around. I am just so so very sad. I want a fresh start. I want to call him, write him, love him. How is it that loving someone can be so wrong, so wrong.
~Lass

January 1, 2006
1:12 pm
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sdesigns
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Lass: Maybe loving him isn't wrong, its just the wrong time. Things could never be the way you want them while you are still married. Unless that changes, continuing to think of him is going to be a very hard road to travel. Maybe put your love for him away in a special place in your heart and try to wrap the love you feel for him around yourself. (((Lass))) SD

January 1, 2006
1:16 pm
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exoticflower
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Lass, I went through something like this a while ago and someone here offered me this take on it (I canno recal who now).

Try to see it like any other addiction you quit. As the substance leaves your body something in you hangs on. You don't need it anymore, it's just some final intense withdrawel pangs. You couldn't have those if the stuff wasn't leaving your system. It's like cravings for a ciggarette after you have quit smoking becasue your mind and body miss what it USED to be addicted to and what that addiction used to do for you. You can make it through this, and when you do you will be able to look back and see that you where just detoxing, getting healthier, not sliding back. It's a new year, Lass, with a lot of new hope and new beginings. What you do with this sensation is up to you, why not turn it possitive? Use this to look at yourself and learn about what aspects of the relationship you are missing and what it reflects of you that you may want to change? Just a thought. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, Lass. I know last year was hard for you in so many ways, I bet it's very natural to want to idealize one aspect and long for that. Please don't let it tear you apart. You're doing ok, hon, this too shall pass. Love to you, ef

January 1, 2006
1:47 pm
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revelation
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Jeez EF...I beleive it was me whjo gave you that advice...and you know what...I need to start taking my own advice. Thanks for reminding me of that.

its the first day of 206 and I'm giveing up cigarettes and loving someone who is just as unhealthy for me as those cigarettes are. Thanks so much!

Lass...I'm still where you are, I miss the man I loved so much..but he's not really that man anymore. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

January 1, 2006
1:47 pm
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Lass
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God I hurt. I haven't stopped crying for about three hours. I will try to see it this way EF and SD. Really I will.

January 1, 2006
2:02 pm
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exoticflower
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Rev, I think it was you...tahnk you! It has helped me through so many rough spells.

Lass, I know it sounds difficult right now, but can you go somewhere and have a cup of coffee or go buy something for yourself? Probably not a good long term solution to problems, but soemtimes a little self indulgence is what it takes to make it through a rough spell.

January 1, 2006
2:08 pm
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Matteo
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exoticflower,

You are so sweet! Yes, let's her have a cup of coffee or a piece of chocolate, because it seems she is in pieces again -- like I was last night. The darn holidays, and facing the cold reality of spending another year without whom we love.

The Holidays and hopes that New Year after all will be a new and different and might bring lots of positive changes as well!!

Happy New Year to you and your Little Flower!

January 1, 2006
2:16 pm
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exoticflower
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Matteo, what I am trying so hard to remember is that I am also facing a new year full of opertunity, as is the one I love-any year may be the year that he gets better for himself or gets closer to the rock bottom that can help him to want help. Furthermore, I have to remind myself that I HAVE been living without the one I love, and it hurts like hell, but it hurts so much more to feel his emotional absense while he is so wrapped up in himself, when I am missing him while right beside him. I have to remember to prefer his absense to his abuse and to hope for him and for myself rather than to us--without that, us would never work anyway.

For some reason I am feleing very positive this year, maybe the calm before the storm but I am running with it and enforcing what I can by writing and typing it while I have this dash of clarity. I am so sorry this has been a rough time for some, and I'm not going to insult anyones pain by suggsting they "let go". I just hope for peace for you, and I know how terribly you feel and am truly sorry you feel that way. I do know it will pass, at least for a bit, it always does for all of us. We can do this, we have BEEN doing this. Lets us not forget the strength we have shown ourselves we have in the past year!

January 1, 2006
2:31 pm
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Matteo
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exoticflower,

No it is not that terrible, I have moments, well maybe hours, but not days, weeks, even months of feeling down like it used to be, especially in the beginning of last year. I know that this year will be much better for me, than last, when I was at the bottom of despair and sorrow. Undestanding myself helped me a lot, my side of the story is as important as his.

You are so right saying that in order to be with the ones we love, they would have to make changes. Well, I don't really hope for that either, but at least I know that loving him from a distance is less hurtful than when he comes close to me.

Sorry, if I sounded gloomy, but I don't feel it that way in general, honestly!

January 1, 2006
2:42 pm
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exoticflower
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not gloomy, really, just like you are excepting some of the bittersweet truths of healing--I'm sort of there too.

January 1, 2006
2:47 pm
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exoticflower
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Sorry lass. //////not meaning to hyjack your thread.

January 1, 2006
3:47 pm
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Matteo
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Lass, ef,

No I don't think we are hijacking your thread here. What ef said, it also applies to you: living without your love hurts like hell, but it is better than living with false hopes that he will change and satisfy your needs instead of hurting you, which in turn satisfies his needs, no matter intentionally or not.

As someone said before, a person who loves you doesn't want to see you get hurt, just the opposite: will do everything for you not to hurt you. Dreaming about good times will lead you nowhere, you cannot pour blood out of stone. Sad truth. Oh, well! Let's have some cake!

January 1, 2006
3:58 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Lass)))

What can of telepathy is this? Yesterday nite when I put my head on my polliw I started to reminscense my friend as well with tears in my eyes just how much I missed him asking God about the purpose of bringing him into my life and then having to release him. It just does not make sense!!! I even told God the same sentence you uttered in your post: Why did you bring this man into my life only to deprive me of him?

This is my resolution for this year is to release one of my dreams which is this man to my HP and pray about it. If he is meant to me, we will be brought into each other's life.

I recommend you to do the same, honey! Funny, how many of us right now are in the same boat. I am keeping all these people who are living in this dilemma, including you and me, in my daily prayers and I will continue to do so.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

January 1, 2006
4:08 pm
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Matteo
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So many times I asked myself the same question; but I think I know the answer by now.

January 1, 2006
8:56 pm
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Lass
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Wow, I am sure glad not to be alone on this puppy. I did some good today by leaving the house, as directed. Got around some other people, as instructed. Got and gave some good attention, and that helped. Even flirted a little more with danger with exbf's old sponsor (he dropped him a year ago for not doing anything asked). His brief attention seemed to make me feel less like the dregs of the world, and a little closer to normal relations between a man and woman. You can't fault what works, and it felt good to think about someone else however briefly. Not interested in another inapproriate dalliance, even if it could break this exbf spell. I will just hang with doing the feeling work. But it did help give me some relief. I think I always saw his sponsor as stronger than exbf, wiser, warmer. Hmmmm. i hope I am making sense, not so much directly respondiing to your responses as continuing to reach for answers and solutions. Matteo, please add what you know in answer?

January 1, 2006
9:06 pm
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Lass
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I feel like I'm enchanted, or under his spell, his sway. I need to do something to keep myself from falling back into the reverie of him, the fantasy, the mind-fuck job that I do to myself.

January 1, 2006
9:57 pm
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Matteo
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A few things, Lass.

If you read my posts in Curing Narcissism thread, you will know more details.

Firstly I always dreamed about being desired because of my mind, not my body, and being totally accepted and loved for who I am.
He did both of those things for me.

Secondly, because of the above to become myself to my full potential and have no doubts about validity of my uniqueness, to be able to enjoy and celebrate it, instead of covering it, at least to some degree, like I used to.

Thirdly, he forced me to face in full light my shortcomings coming from my childhood, which armed me with knowledge about them and their implications on my life, past, present and future.

Lastly, seems like for him - to realize that he is able to hurt people and to avoid inflicting pain on others as much as possible. Hopefully also for him to face himself at least to some degree...but I have no way of knowing if this actually is the case.

Well, I should also add to enable me to go through the most spiritual and erotic experience, the most beautiful and the greatest love of my life – so far...

January 1, 2006
10:11 pm
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Lass
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The thing is, that so much of the eroticism took place IN MY OWN MIND, transferred onto the reality. This enabled a mere touch or look or thought to send me to the moon, without him actually doing much if anything.

Most of this entire affair was given its great power by the power i gave to it, what I brought to the table, and gave to him that he gave back to me in tiny, infintessimal strokes. Which by witholding and hurting me, and controlling the supply turned me on terribly. That's my sick stuff, wanting not so much healthy treatment as to be DENIED.

January 1, 2006
11:14 pm
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Lass
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I am going to spend some time soon really looking at the Inverted N. I was afraid to think I could be so willing to sublimate myself for another.

January 1, 2006
11:53 pm
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exoticflower
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Lass, have you concidered making a "knock him off the pedistol" list? Just write what you are romanticizing and what the reality is, forcing yourself to be honest? Or even looking at what insecurities of your own the "possitives" you may be admiring or missing right now may play on (as I recal there was a lot of that, I think, right? I amy be off but that's how I seem to remember it seeming when you guys where working to end things). Just a thoguth, something that does keep me resentful a bit longer but keeps things in perspective for me. Just worth a try, maybe.

Glad you got out and about, I did a bit of that myself today too and it really helped. Glad you got some flirting in too, and of all irony from someone else who knows about his bad points too!

January 2, 2006
12:01 am
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Lass
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Yep, I found some help from an unexpected source. I had always blown this guy off to some degree because of the potential for hurting the exbf by being his friend. But sponsor and I were friends anyway over this past year. We have built that much, so good. We both are vulnerable right now, which is never good though. But, I would like his friendship again. He and I have both gone to mtgs in a much more limited way over the past six months. We are going to try to be there a bit for each other. He has kidney /liver problems that will likely kill him. Long sober, too late sober.

January 2, 2006
1:49 am
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Lass
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The sponsor guy just called me and told me that the exbf was out here Saturday morning too. Stayed for a mtg and talked with old dropped sponsor for about an hour. I asked him when was the last time you guys talked? Like, was he keeping up with his friends here? He said he hadn't talked to him but a few minutes four months ago.

The exbf was trying to accidentally trip over me. But wouldn't do it directly. Just let it get back to me that he was here.

Again. Do you know how this messes me up? And I don't want to let it anymore.

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