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please help me!
September 26, 2004
11:21 pm
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codep
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well i'll get you up to speed real quick and then I'll tell my problem. b/f moved out a week ago b/c of the feelings i was getting about him and my daughter being alone in the house together, among a few other reasons ie..financial irrisponsible, self centered. So anyway he moved in with some co-workers about 45 minutes away from me. He moved out with the understanding that we are still going to work on our relationship, well i was telling him one thing and off and on thinking another. Some days i felt really good about the decision and other days i felt like i had made a mistake. He tuned in on my actions b/c i wasnt making much of an effort to prove what I was telling him so I know he was getting mixed signals. Well, he also started feeling really distant. so tonight i decided to just go ahead and end things before they could get worse. I typed him up a letter and told him to come get it. he came over and refused to read it, he knew what it said, he claimed he was expecting it b/c of my actions the past week. He started being very emotionless, direct, and matter of fact... he said he knew this was going to happen and told me he was going to turn off the phone and tell the rental place that he had moved out and they would either evict me or i could take over the lease b/c it's in his name. I was crying the whole time b/c I know that i still love him. he gave me one last chance to not break things off, he said you've got 5 minutes and i'm walking out the door and I'll never speak with you again, you wont even be a memory and i'll move on and find my happiness. I was crying so bad sitting on the floor while he stood there just looking smug..just as he was reaching for the door knob i told him not to leave, I got up and threw my arms around him and told him I couldnt go thru with the break up. He continued to have the same attitude and then told me "he" needs a week of us not talking or seeing eachother so he could have time to think about wether or not he could get past this and move on with me. still very emotionless. does this sound normal? i'm so confused. I almost feel like he is manipulating me, but the 1 week separation does sound like a good idea. I'm just scared that he really isent into it anymore, but what does he have to gain if he doesnt really love me or want to be with me. It seems like he got a taste of being in a bachelor pad with his buddies and at first he didnt like that idea but now seems like he is enjoying him self. I dont know, i'm so confused. any advice please?????

September 26, 2004
11:36 pm
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blini4me
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Did you tell him to move out, or did he decide to do so himself? If you were the one to give the marching order, then I doubt he's loving the single life just now. That said, you brought up some very grave concerns which should not be ignored just b/c you're in pain. He is threatening you financially and emotionally, and you're falling for it. If you really want to work on the relationship, tell him the only way to do so is for both of you to seek couple's counseling. If he refuses, I doubt there is any hope of change and I sugest you move on. If he agrees, don't let him move back in until the therapist - and you - feel it's safe for you and your daughter. Good luck!

September 27, 2004
12:00 am
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free
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Well I don't know if his reaction is normal, but I do believe it's wrong.

He is punishing you, and it's not appropriate for adults to punish one another, especially those we love.

Would you have done this to him? Would you have blown off his feelings and concern for his daughter if he was in your shoes? Would you have handled it this way? If it was you leaving and you had the financial edge, would you leave him high and dry?

I bet you wouldn't.

A week is most definitely a good idea.

During this time, change the phone over to your name, and see what you can do financially to make it. Don't be dependent upon him. It's not fair to either one of you for one thing, and for another, it enables him to control you, whether he is doing it intentionally or not. Whether he is doing kuz he is hurt or not. he's doing it.

free

September 27, 2004
12:07 am
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bkc
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Don't be dependent upon him. How can you make a real decision when he pays the rent and the bills.

September 27, 2004
12:15 am
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m3talc0re
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b/f moved out a week ago b/c of the feelings i was getting about him and my daughter being alone in the house together

What exactly do you mean by that statement? What kind of feelings were you getting?

September 27, 2004
10:17 am
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codep
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Oh i havent been depending on him financially, I've been the one paying all the bills and taking care of him when he was out of a job. I have bent over backwards for him financially and have put myself in a bind b/c of it.
The feelings i was getting was that I was afraid he was going to do something inappropriate to my daughter.
when he came over last night acting and behaving the way he did it makes me want to call and go off on him and tell him that i never want to see him again, I think that would be best really. So that i can move on with my life and not have the stress of this relationship on top of everything else. I honestly dont think he wants to be with me anymore but he doesnt want to be the one responsible for ending it.

September 27, 2004
10:42 am
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luvlee
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codep,
It sounds to me like he is being very manipulative to you. Everyone else has given great advice on here and I wanted to add that you need to trust your instinct on this one.

When you are alone and you know this relationship is not right and you feel it in you heart then your instincts are telling you to get out.

As codeps sometimes we don't believe that are insticts are right.

Believe in yourself and you will make the right choice.

(((hugs)))

Keep us updated hun.

September 27, 2004
11:44 am
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sdesigns
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I agree with everyone else. As to your daughter, she should be your primary concern and if you think there's a possibility of something happening to her you need to protect her. I just read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" this weekend and it was an eye opener. There is a woman's story in there that relates directly to yours re: the daughter. Maybe if you read this book, it will help you. Good luck. SD

September 27, 2004
12:17 pm
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clown
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codep, he seems manipulative, mean and even dangerous. He is using your emotions to keep you a hostage. You know in your heart he is bad news for you and your daughter. Show him the door. You are a strong capable woman-you deserve much, much better.

September 27, 2004
12:27 pm
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Anonymous
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Codep,

Stay strong and on track. If you have the "feeling" that something inappropriate was going to happen with your daughter, listen and trust yourself! We don't get those feelings for no reason and you are right to be distancing yourself from him right now.

It is hard to be alone, emotionally, physically, spiritually. However, think of what you would have to endure if you took him back and he did something to your child? Think of what it would be like if you took him back and then it ends badly in another week, month, or even years? Time is a gift. I know you would feel like it had been a waste if you take him back and then things go sour.

Also, if you have been the one primarily responsible for taking on the finacial challenges in your relationship, what you have in him is a "burden", a big "kid" that you can't control or discipline. He will suck you dry if you let him!

Hang tough and keep coming back here for loving support. Open your heart and mind to the FACT that you can make it on your own, and things will begin to fall into place for you.

Happiness awaits...

Ren'ai

September 27, 2004
2:59 pm
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codep
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thank you all for the advice. I also spoke to a few people I know around here that would not have a bias opinion and they are saying the same. So what I plan on doing is giving him this week to "think" b/c thats what he wants. during this time I'm going to move out of this apartment thats in "his" name, which I dont want him to know where I live. We have plans to meet on Sunday I'm going to call him on Sunday and tell him to come over. and when he gets here there will be a note on the door with his house keys, and he will never hear from me again. Is that a bad way to do it? thanks again to all of you.

September 27, 2004
3:17 pm
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luvlee
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codep,
It sounds to me like you have devised a good way to avoid a confrontation with this man and cut a clean break.

We are all rooting for you so keep us updated! =)

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