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Please help me, Was I in the Wrong?
April 21, 2004
1:25 pm
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Aces & spades,

I've been in that place to. Are you just lonely or are there things about this person that you love and feel you can't let go of?

-ella

April 21, 2004
1:30 pm
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I don't know honestly, its not a fear of being lonely because Im far from that, I think there is something deeper, and I have to figure that out first. I mean he is so wrong and mean and it amazes me that I would even want to appease him

April 21, 2004
1:35 pm
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acj
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Aces---

You're suffering from an addiction. You are like a crack-head. Except that your reward is not a "high" but acceptance from him that, guess what, you'll probably never get!

I don't mean to sound ugly here but you are in a "classic" ABUSIVE relationship!! Get out!

Yeah, you will go through withdrawl, just like any other drug addict. But it will get better and you will find a healthy relationship one day.

I hope you take heed before he starts becoming Physically abusive. Broken facial bones are a hard thing to cover up.

Best of luck....

acj

April 21, 2004
2:30 pm
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aces-

acj has an extremely important point- HAS he been violent? You said "freaks out" do you just mean gets upset and pouts... or gets upset and gets violent?

worried.-ella

April 21, 2004
3:14 pm
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When he freaks out he yells, and is very very angry, but there are times, if I dont answer my phone he has shown up, to yell at me, look through my phone, and accuse me of cheating on him

April 21, 2004
3:23 pm
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He says its because he cares, and so forth, but I dont see how that is caring.

April 21, 2004
3:24 pm
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Aces,

Caring about his ego mainly!

-e

April 21, 2004
3:31 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Aces, I just want to add my Amen to what Wishes said. Regret is much tougher to live with than withdrawal. At least the withdrawal will end,,the regrets never do. You might not can relate to that right now but I can promise you that this is the truth. Don't put up with that crap. Guy gave you a perspective from his point of view, telling you that he had been the same way in the past. If you must, and if you aren't in danger, then sit down with the man and tell him all you've told us. If he still can't get a hold on his own insecurity, jealousy, abusiveness or won't admit he has a problem, then what more can you do? You are not the one who is in the wrong. If you're involved in a relationship with someone like him, of course you're not going to tell him something you know will set him off. That's just natural. Hell, who wouldn't do that? Someone who doesn't have to lie, that's who.

Aces,,please,,again,,,you DON'T want to end up like me. Trust me on this one. It is not a good place to be. Don't waste your life on someone who verbally abuses you if there is anything you can do to help yourself. If there isn't anything that you can do,,welcome to a very sad club. Because even though I reasonably can get through life, deep in my soul is a sadness that will never end because I let men do to me what you are letting them do to you. Even though I've spent years in counseling, on medications, self-help this and self-help that,,you cannot get back years of your life that you spent wondering what about you was wrong. Letting this or any other man do this to you is destroying your self-esteem and your life. Aces, I cry as I write this. Don't let him do it to you, please. W.

April 21, 2004
3:37 pm
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Wanttobewell:

Im sorry this has happened to you too, please tell me what you went through, I want to understand, I have so much in my life that I want to do,and the sad thing is this crap controls it, I want to start my Masters in June, I want to join the PD here as a VA in July and sign the contract for good, I want to get a job as a federal agent, and I look at what Im doing and wonder how I can possibly do all that if I dont even have my crap together, so help me understand, what have you gone through?

April 21, 2004
3:45 pm
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wishes
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You do it. You do it one day at a time, one project at a time. You can do it. YOU CAN. Get your masters! Do it! My ex was so jealous of everyone that when I tried to go to college he broke up with me. And the fool that i was, I dropped out of college for that waste of skin. UGH.

You can do this!!! Go to college.

April 21, 2004
3:52 pm
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Mr. Jack thinks that I waste my time with the PD, he ridicules it, and as far as my MA's he thinks that its nothing special. But I don't falter from that. Wishes do you think he is done?

April 21, 2004
3:53 pm
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wishes
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I just read what I wrote, and boy do I sound bitter! Probably because I am....but really. School is so so so important. Clearly, even if you stay with your guy, you will need the education to get a decent job. You don't want to be poor your whole life. Especially when kids enter the picture, and with that bills bills and more bills.

April 21, 2004
3:57 pm
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wishes
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Do I think he is done? I don't understand.

And an MA is nothing to sneeze at. I wish I had one! I wish I would have taken the opportunity to go to school, for FREE. But I didn't. Went to a cruddy trade school instead that I had to pay for (still am paying for). It takes a ton of work to get it. Don't underestimate what you've done. No matter what he says.

April 21, 2004
4:23 pm
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I meant do you think he will give up and walk away now?

April 21, 2004
4:35 pm
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Because I dont know how to

April 21, 2004
4:40 pm
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acj
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Aces---

You are so much stonger than you give yourself credit for.... You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to...

acj

April 21, 2004
4:42 pm
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And what do I do if he calls, where do I find that will power what do I think of that makes me not answer that phone.

April 21, 2004
5:29 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Aces,,,what I went through could fill a novel but not a very good one :}. First of all though, I want to tell you what a bright, wonderful future you have ahead of you. You are educated. You are following through with what you want in that regard. The strength you have is really amazing. To be able to accomplish what you have is something I can't even imagine. You are the stronger person in all of this. I just don't believe you quite realize it or can put it into action and get on with it, maybe? I don't know.

Aces,,I'll tell you about my life if you really want me to. I can't right now because of time. It would be tomorrow. So let me know if you still want me to.

I basically wanted you to think about your future. When you're my age,50, and you look back at your past relationships and your life, you don't want to have very painful regrets knowing that deep inside of you, you HAD the power if only you would have used it THEN. Does that make any sense? I hope so. People tried to help me, but I just wouldn't listen. See the thing is I DIDN'T get through it, didn't push away, didn't find the strength, thought I didn't have it. Aces I don't know how to tell you to find your strength because I never found mine, not really,and I'm working on it now. The time just flew by. That's what I want more than anything for you guys who are younger to understand. It all goes by so, so fast!!! You either find the power inside of you by whatever means possible and do what you need to do for yourself, or not. The option of not finding it is what I'm trying to warn about. I know I probably sound like an idiot, but I just don't know how else to say it. I just don't want you or anyone else to end up like me, finally waking up and realizing that we don't have a whole lot of time here and "oh hell"!!! what have I done to my life, or NOT done is a better way to put it. I don't mean to sound like "poor me" either. It's just the way it is. The awful thing is that I don't know how to tell you to do what you need to do, and I'm so sorry that I don't. W.

April 21, 2004
5:42 pm
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acj
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Make a list of all of his bad points. When I finally decided to break up with my ex, I had severe panic attacks, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep (when I did I woke up with nightmares) and thought I was going to die from my heart pounding so hard.

When I first broke up with him, (and this is a classic sign of addiction) I began to forget all the bad things he did. I began to idolize him and only remember the good. I started thinking I made a mistake. I finally sat myself down, and made a list of why I broke up with him. Granted, it took me three days to compile this list because I had forgotten so much. But once I did, I'd refer back to it everytime I began to doubt my decision. Make a bad list. Keep it by the phone. Keep a copy in your purse. As you remember bad points, write them down immediately. Never forget so you can learn the signs for your future.

acj

April 21, 2004
6:02 pm
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I hope it works, because Im already regretting everything when I know I shouldnt, and its just so hard to think it finally is over, I hate that feeling, we go back so many times, and I hold on to that, but I know i have to be done, and I cant stand that feeling. It hurts.

April 21, 2004
6:39 pm
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wishes
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Stop regretting. Do you really like being called a slut? A whore? A lesbian? Do you like it when he yells at you? Do you like it when you have to lie to even have a tiny part of a life? You should have a full life. You are young still. Let no one rule you. You rule yourself.

And a list is a Fab. idea! I did that too. It works.

I wish I could say the perfect thing to make this all better. I can't, but I can relate; and I have all the icky stories to prove it. Learn from my mistakes. He broke it off, yes? Keep it that way.

April 21, 2004
10:06 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Yes!!! That list is a really good idea because you do tend to forget the bad. Couldn't hurt!!

April 21, 2004
11:38 pm
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Zinnie
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Aces,

Look at it this way.

How do you feel when you are with him?

Don't think about not having the will power to leave, or not answer the phone, think about "how do you feel when you spend time with him."

All the time, not just in his "honeymoon phase."

How do you feel?

Z.

April 22, 2004
10:43 am
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Thank you all of you, I dont know what to say besides thank you. You're support means so much to me. Wanttobewell I would love to hear your story.

Zinnie- I feel happy when I am with him, its when we arent together that we fight on the phone. More often when we are together we get along. I just have realized that even though he called last night and wanted to talk and tell me that he cares about me, I am still at the same place that I need to do things for myself. This is the first time Ive felt that after he has called and apologized. Normally I go back to my same pattern of it can work this time, and now I just know that things will never change

April 22, 2004
10:45 am
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Then I guess I worded my question wrong.

How do you feel when he calls you a slut or a whore?

I know I tend to be a little "black and white" but if my husband talked to me like that - he might be looking at getting dentures.

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