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Please help me think clearly
March 17, 2005
2:59 pm
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jastypes
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Got a call from husband saying that Janet (son's girlfriend) was going through Greg's things while he was at school, and found old notes wherein he lied. Son, Greg, is currently at a partial care program at a mental health center. I told husband to tell Janet to drop it. The notes are old, Greg doesn't need the stress, and I can't take the drama. In the meantime, Janet questions my other son and daughter, who tell her she causes a lot of stress and dad and I would like her and greg to break up. Janet tells my kids she has been expelled from school (lie) and she is moving in. WHOA!!! AND she wants to call a family meeting tonight to confront dad and I about what we don't like about her and why we want her and Greg to break up.

My mind is spinning, I'm nauseous, and I feel like a child. I am not. I'm 48 and the parents of 4 wonderful children. I am also the wife of a recovering addict, and I have co-dependent issues like you wouldn't believe!

I can't get a clear thought as to handle this situation. I'm thinking of calling her guardian (grandmother) and asking her to come over tonight so we can all sit down and talk about what's reasonable here.

What do I want? Greg and Janet to give each other some space -- and to take some of the pressure off of our family from all their major drama (fighting, cutting themselves, threatening suicide, etc. etc.). I want Janet's family to take responsibility for her, and let me take responsibility for Greg. I want them both to get better, but I also see that my own family needs healing.

HELP!!!!!

March 17, 2005
4:43 pm
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jastypes
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Pretty please.

March 17, 2005
4:58 pm
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Big heart
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How old is your son and his girlfriend? Am I understanding this right that "janet" told your other children she is moving in with your family? Isn't that something she would ask your permission for instead of telling. Your main priority is your son and if this young lady is going through his things when he isn't home and lying... already that's a red flag. Sounds like she's adding fuel to the fire. But if you try and split them up they may rebell and want to be togeather even more. I think it would be more than benificial to speak with her caregivers (alone) find out what kind of guidance she is being given or if there aware of the situation. Then I would go from there.

March 17, 2005
5:11 pm
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marley
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how old is your son? why is janet in his place? did he give her a key? does he want to break up with her? do you want them to break up?

if you have an opinion about her - i think u should tell her. in all honesty, it is better to know how you feel, and tell someone honestly and then stand by that feeling than to constantly be all wishy washy trying to protect people. In the end when you do that, you are the one who gets hurt the worst.

March 17, 2005
7:51 pm
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jastypes
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Wish I had gotten your messages before I jumped the gun. I swear I've been taking my medicine. Janet's grandmother came over and we sat down with Janet and Greg. I fumbled all over myself again. What is wrong with me? I just can't seem to express myself well at all in these situations. I expressed my concern for the well being of both children. I told them that their behavior is affecting everyone in the house. Janet seemed to get that, while I'm not so sure about Greg. Between her grandmother and I we agreed that her home is just not safe while her uncle is there and drinking, so we decided it was okay for her to stay here as long as 1) Greg continues going to his program; 2) Janet keep her psychiatric appointments; 3) Janet's grandmother and I keep in touch and she visits daily; 4) They are clear that this is our decision, not theirs. This arrangement is okay with all of us for now, but we will not tolerate door slamming, loud fighting, dragging other people into their arguments, or physical harm to one's self or anyone else.

My husband told them to straighten up and fly right. Janet's grandmother talked about how all her children were alcoholics but one, and how they are all dead but two. Those deaths included the murder of Janet's mother, and watching her one son shoot himself in the head. How horrible must this woman's life have been. I'll be inviting her to visit our church soon.

Greg was pretty quiet through most of it. He did swear at Mark once, but kept his volume down. He expressed himself a little. I know it's weird, but that made me feel better than his usual silence. Janet cried, spit blood into a napkin and said her nerves were shot. I kind of used that as an example of the kind of drama I did not know how to deal with, when we were all sitting around the table talking calmly and kindly.

At the end, Janet wanted to talk to her grandmother alone outside with Greg. I wish I had said something. Again, that made me feel really uncomfortable, and now I'm obsessing about what might have been said without me there.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I wanted to feel more "settled". I think my problem is that I don't feel I communicated clearly enough. So now I'm praying that God will use what happened for His glory. Hey, what more could I possibly ask for?

Thank you for responding.

jill

March 17, 2005
9:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I think ya'll did just fine considering the circumstances. The expectations and/or rules are out on the table. They were accepted w/o much flack. Now you MUST stand by what was decided. Infractions cannot go unpunished or they'll not take you seriously. Can I be nosey and ask if she has her own room or area she is sleeping? Just was thinkin that if she had Greg's room and he was out on the couch or whatever that it's Greg's space and if she's stayin in there she's got to much temptation to overcome. IF that is the arrangement.

Anyway, you hang in there and keep your chin up. You're doin just fine looks like.

March 17, 2005
10:22 pm
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jastypes
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Oh, Mama, we are WAY beyond temptation here. I know, I know, it's another thing I shouldn't tolerate let alone condone. I've spoken to them about God's best, but I know they don't listen.

jil

March 18, 2005
12:32 am
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mamacinnamon
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You have told them about God's best. It is their deal if they listen or do not listen. I assume you mean they are sharing Greg's room? Sometimes you have to tell them what God says, and let them take the consequences for not listening. As long as you did your part then you shouldn't feel bad about it. May I ask... how old is Greg and her?

March 18, 2005
11:02 am
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jastypes
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Greg is 17 and Janet is 16. They were both sexually molested at young ages, and so I think that helped to warp their views of sex a great deal. Both lost their virginity at very young ages in very unhealthy ways.

March 18, 2005
11:19 am
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Big heart
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My heart goes out to both these kids. seeing the circumstances of Janets home life I would of let her in my home as well. Did you state guidelines for these kids? Because thats what they are "kids". They shouldn't be living as a married couple under your roof. They need guidance and rules to keep them in line and on track. I would make sure there doing there part. Such as school. If she is under your roof, make that a requirement. And make sure she is on some type of birth control because a grandchild is not what you need right now.

March 18, 2005
11:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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I fully agree w/ Big heart. I would only add helping w/ dinners and laundry and chores. Things young women and men need to know when they are on their own eventually. I know you already have chores tho, you're a good mom.

March 18, 2005
2:47 pm
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jastypes
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Yeah, we did put chores in place, and Janet helps with cooking 2 nights a week. She is getting her school books on Monday so she can keep up with the work until they let her back in after seeing her psychiatrist. Thanks for your encouragement. I have a REALLY hard time setting limits, boundaries, making rules. When we look for a therapist for Greg to continue with his care, I'll be looking into family therapy as well.

jill

March 18, 2005
3:26 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Jastypes,

You are doin just fine. I know you are feelin the anxiety. Stop second guessing yourself. All that has been suggested you have already in place. See how well you are actually doin? Sometimes it's hard to see the trees for the forest, but they are there. lol. I agree that family counseling is an excellent idea. And prayer. That is the absolute best you can do. He's there and he's answering your prayers even if you cannot see them at this moment. 🙂

Jill, breathe. You are doin just fine.

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