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please help me, I'm having a break down
January 22, 2005
9:12 pm
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art angel
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HI everyone

I'm feeling very very down right now. I don't know what to do. I had been getting so much better, so strong. Now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a thousand years. Here is what's going on with me:

I feel completely isolated, alone, abandoned. I go to college 3 hours away from home. I don't have many good friends up here at all. I live with 4 girls-- BUT 1 goes home every weekend, one I barely know because she just moved in, one never comes out of her room, and one is my cousin-- but she is very busy in pharmacy school and has a boyfriend and just went out to a party without saying anything to me. My brother lives next door but he doesn't like to hang out with me--I guess who would, I'm so depressed right now. My best friend lives 3 hours away, my other two best friends are out of state. I feel like I don't have anyone. But even more so, I feel like my life means nothing. I came across these quotes today "I feel it now: there's a power in me to grasp and give shape to my world." except I don't feel that anymore.

I have grown to hate Saturdays, and it pains me to say that because I never thought it would come to that. I never thought Id actually look forward to the week for classes for more structure and things to do. I feel like a loser. I feel like I have no life. I just want this semester to be over with. I feel aimless, worthless, restless. I don't know what I can do. When I had a significant other, life seemed so full of promise, so exciting and meaningful. Now it is empty. NOt because HE isn't in it, but because I am so alone. I am sorry to be so down, but I don't know what to do. Is anyone out there to talk for awhile?? 🙁

art angel

January 22, 2005
9:17 pm
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art angel
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I need to get a part time job, but I applied for a lot of them last semester and none came through. I applied for one on Tuesday, called them on Thursday (left a message), and have not heard back. I am in college, I am 22. I should be happy. I should be ecstatic, I should be carefree and exuberant. But here I am alone in my room. God I am so sorry for having a pity party for myself, but I really really need to talk this out. I am sorry.

January 22, 2005
9:24 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Art Angel: Can you go take a walk somewhere? Go shopping, run errands, go to the library, go to Starbucks? Anything to get out of the house. I find that when I get depressed, if I make myself go somewhere (which also involves showering, doing my hair, putting on makeup,etc) it changes my frame of mind. I have to have little talks with myself to make myself do it but it helps. I remember when I was in college I would feel alone sometimes too, like everyone else had such a great social life except me. But things change, you'll see. Have you joined any clubs- something to do w/ your major? Maybe you'd meet people there. Or at least there would be activities to get involved with. Just some ideas. Hope you're feeling better. SD

January 22, 2005
9:37 pm
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art angel
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All I want to do is push fast forward and get to May. I hate this.

January 22, 2005
9:39 pm
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art angel
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SD, thank you for the ideas. I can't really go out and do anything because it really takes money....

art

January 22, 2005
9:52 pm
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november
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hey, sorry to hear you are having a rough go of it right now. i didn't hear you mention it but i am assuming you have just got of a relationship or someone in your life is no longer there. when your life is full because of someone else it is really hard when that is gone. that is why it is so important to build your own where it can't be taken away and you can always put other in it but if it is yours and not someone else's then it will always be there. i have found myself time after time loosing someone for whatever reason and looking around and there is nothing there, empty. but i am the one that has to fill it up, it isn't that person or anyone outside of me. do you like to work out? i know my daughter would get really down but then she started working out and it helped in so many ways. my thoughts are with you, emptiness is tough. very tough.

January 22, 2005
9:53 pm
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Artangel,

I definitely know the feeling of loneliness. Sometimes it seems like it is the friend I see the most. LOL!! I know to go out it normally costs money these days. It is so expensive to live. Why not watch a funny movie or read a good book to make yourself feel better and forget about your life stressed for awhile. Or even better, I don't know where you are but it is freezing cold where I live and snowing a lot. Go get a nice bubble bath and then enjoy a nice cup of hot choclate or tea. Makes me want to do the same. Artangel, you sound a lot like me. I get really lonely, dont have many friends because they just about all ended up getting into drugs and that is not me. I do have a boyfriend. I dont live with him and only see him about once a week because of his work schedule and the distance. To make matters even more lonely, I found out I am pregnant so my body feels so different. I feel even more emotional. I feel lonely tonight too. You are not alone. I am in the same boat. By the way, do you always feel like this or is it just a feeling that you have tonight? Take care of yourself.

Jewel

January 22, 2005
10:02 pm
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art angel
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Jewel-
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I feel like this a lot, but it only comes out at times. I had been getting better at being alone, but throughout the day all I heard was "I'm a loser" over and over again in my head. Because I am. I don't go out like normal college students. Taking care of myself, like bubble baths and everything, has gotten old. There's only so much I can do until I break- and today, I think I hit that point.

I have come to the point where I can't do the alone thing anymore I odn't think. I don't know if that is healthy. I don't know if it is healthy to be crying over this. I don't know anything.

January 22, 2005
10:03 pm
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art angel
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November-

yeah, my bf broke up with me about 4 months ago. it has been very hard.

January 22, 2005
10:15 pm
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jewel
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Artangel,

You are not a loser. Just because you don't go out like a lot of college students doesn't make you a loser by any means. Do you like to stay in most of the time? Or do you really want to go out? A few years ago, I used to just go out because that was what all my friends were into and then I thought to myself, I am a homebody and really like to be in a lot by choice so I started doing what I wanted to do and quit worrying about what others thought. You have to be happy with yourself alone just like november said. I am not 100% happy at the moment either, but I am really going to try to be. I hit my down moments from time to time and a lot of the time, I don't have anyone to talk to. I normally write down my thoughts to get it out. This website has also been great. Keep posting and know that things will get better. Sending many hugs your way!!!

Jewel

January 22, 2005
10:20 pm
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jewel
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Artangel,

About the job thing. Maybe try going to a temp-permanant agency. They actually find you a job that you would qualify for. They do all the work. They should be able to set you up with something fairly quickly and that would keep you busy for awhile. And you would be making money. Keeping busy. Are you done with school now until May? You said something about filling out an application for a grad school. That is totally awesome. I wish I was where you were. Keep your head up high and good will come your way.

Jewel

January 22, 2005
10:34 pm
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art angel
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Thanks Jewel

I am in school until May, and then I will be moving home (back with my parents, which is OK cause I get along with them...), and starting grad school (if I get accepted) in June.

A part of me loves to stay in, and I am a homebody a lot. But part of me is getting tired of it, tired of being alone so much and I just need to go out and "learn" how to just have a good time. It's funny, because I know I'm good at a lot of things that many people my age aren't, but one thing that everyone else my age is better at is having fun. I dont' know if that makes sense. It just seems like I have to try so hard sometimes. It sucks. How will I ever get a boyfriend that way? Maybe that's why my ex broke up with me. Wow. Maybe I am a stick in the mud. Or maybe I'm just the mud. haha

I am just at a low point in my life right now....

Thanks for the hugs, encouragement and ideas .

((((jewel))))

January 22, 2005
10:54 pm
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jewel
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Artangel,

You know what. These people may appear to be having fun, but maybe they aren't. A lot of people are fake and try to be someone that they are not. You know. Just something to think about. I like to get out every once in awhile too. I hate being isolated sometimes. There is a distance between my boyfriend and I and before I met him I had absolutely no one. My friend that I was closest too joined the military and everything went downhill at the same time. I really clung(is that even a word-lol)onto my family. They were there for me through thick and thin. I still had that feeling of total emptiness though. It sometimes is not the same, but to me all I needed was to have a good girl friend to talk to about things. I just don't think that guys understand all of our issues completely. They after all are not woman. You are a great girl. You are just going through a really hard time. I know how it feels to sit and cry about things. Then I will hear someone elses situation and feel stupid, but remember, your feelings are your feelings. Nothing is ever stupid or unimportant that you are upset over. You are a very cool person and it is great to talk to you or type to you I should say. When you were not on this website for awhile, I missed you and wondered how you were. Keep that head up and everything will be ok.

Hugs from Jewel

January 22, 2005
11:03 pm
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art angel
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Jewel,
Thank you, what you wrote made me all teary-eyed. I don't really have a good girl friend around, and that is something that I need, too. My family is great, they are there for me. Like I said, my brother is around but he doesn't know how to handle these crazy emotions of mine, I think I make him nervous-and he keeps a lot inside, he's never been overly affectionate or anything...

I talked to my mom on the phone tonight and she said something about how a lot of people have it much worse than I do, and I know that, I really do-- and it just made me feel worse about feeling this way. These past months just haven't been a good time in my life. I've learned a lot, and grown a lot, but it's been so tough. I get so tired.

Anyway, enough out of me--thank you for being here tonight, Jewel, you are a really great friend. I love typing to you too. I think I am going to go watch a movie or TV and relax, and then get to bed, but I will be here tomorrow. Gosh I am just so excited for you, with having a baby and all. I think I may want to have kids someday, but am worried that they will inherit the tendency for depression and everything. Or that I would be a terrible mom. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't even have a boyfriend right now. haha

anyway, hope you have a wonderful night and thank you so much again for your kindness and time tonight, it has meant SO much.

love and big hugs,

art angel

January 22, 2005
11:33 pm
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dear ms art angel: Poor baby, I feel for you. Each day gets better. It's imperative to stay busy. How would you like to be old (55) like me? haha Get this: I have just had a relationship break-up, I have empty nest syndrome (my daughter moved out), I am starting menopause, and all day I type depressing stuff about men beating their wives or child welfare apprehensions. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm depressed? EWWWW. So chin up little one. If there's any volunteering you can do, that will be a start to get out. They usually only require a few hours a week. Check that out maybe. We are all here for you, so keep posting. We'll talk when you're down. HUGSSSSSSS!

January 22, 2005
11:33 pm
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Artangel,

I am glad that you spoke to your mom. Things can be worse. My mom always tells me the same. Think about the people that don't have freedom. Think of the servicemembers in the military away from their families and in harms way. Think about the people that have lost many loved ones in the tsuanmi. Life isn't always fair and when I get upset in my life, I always think of others. Life is greater than we think.

Love,

Jewel

January 23, 2005
12:31 am
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Hi ArtAngel,

Can I pop in here for a minute and give you a great big hug? (((((hugs to you))))))
It looks like everyone on board here is on this thread with you, so that is great!!!!!

I am sorry you are feeling down in the dumps. You've been doing so well lately.

School can be a drag and is not always what it is cracked up to be. sounds to me like you have a lot of high expectations of what should be, what it should be like and so on. But don't be so hard on yourself right now. I know it is hard after breaking up at your age; as life seems pretty dismal and each day can drag on when you are alone. And it makes it harder for you since you are quiter and not a regular party animal, who goes out all the time. I see you as more reserved and thoughtful about life. That is what I see from your posts. Or are you a wild party girl on the inside? lol Really, tho, I wish you were feeling better.

Some might say you have it made with all your friends and your cousin and brother nearby. But being alone right now can really suck.

I know you will be graduating soon, in May? Then what are your plans? Have any job interests? Your major is in art? or what? I know ou are creative (ArtAngel), but forgive me for not remembering your exact studies.

Is it snowing by you? I just saw the news with the big snowstorm in Milwaukee, Wis where I am from, and I really miss it. I am truly homesick today. Moving down to Florida is not what it is all cracked up to be. Everyone who works, says the "Paradise" here is only for those who aren't working to be able to appreciate.

Hope you are feeling better by tomarrow. Soon it will be time to sleep and then it is Sunday!

((((more hugs))))

Sew

January 23, 2005
3:32 am
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(((art angel)))

Hello... it's been a long time since I've typed to you... just wanted to send my warm wishes that you start to feel better.

What you are going through is something I'm familiar with. Though I don't have any great answers, I do want to say that friendships begin when you are least expecting them to. They just grow and usually the best ones grow slowly. There may be someone in your life right now that you'll end up sharing more enjoyable times with. The school year is not out yet... school presents many opportunities to meet people, work together, share ideas, etc..

The break up things is hard. It hurts in a way that seems as if it will be interminable. If you are alone a lot, you should immerse yourself in your work or enjoyable activities for distraction... but i guess that's what everyone is telling you, right? I understand how you feel.

The man in my life is practically a non-entity, we barely talk on the phone anymore. This does make me upset, I won't lie. But, what helps is that little by little I started hanging out with a couple of girls I went to grad school with a while back. I never would have thought that we'd have clicked, so it's a nice change for me.

You might find things that are related to what you already do, or new things that will expand your social horizons. One thing we do is that we are learning to knit. I know that sounds silly to an artist- but it is very therapuetic. I never thought I'd like it this much! In NYC a lot of young people are into knitting- even guys. There are little clubs and even this cafe that has classes and sells books on it and yarn. I don't even care about what I make.. it's just fun to learn it and talk to new people.

Please hang in there- you are not truly alone since you have us here!

love,
ella

January 23, 2005
7:19 am
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hi art angel,

have you thought of volunteering at a hospital close to you, perhaps in the children's ward where you can read the children books and give them comfort when their family can not be with them?.

I'm sure there are many people out there who would love to have you as their friend, and by volunteering you are able to meet many different people and feel as though you always have a place to go, because people like you are always needed.

(((hugs))), hope you feel better soon

opal

January 23, 2005
2:19 pm
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art angel
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msguud, jewel, sew, ella and opal-

Thank you so much for writing to me. I am feeling a little better today, and thank you for the ideas and encouragement.

A big part of why I was feeling so bad was because that new guy I was interested in just stopped calling/communicating with me. I don't know what I did. I wasn't clingy or needy, things were looking promising, we even hung out once and HE kissed ME. So it was like an extra slap in the face after this fall and my break up. I was talking to my therapist and she said when I get done with undergraduate school in May and move on to grad school (for architecture), then it's kind of a whole different world. She said I'll probably do well there and meet a whole bunch of new people that I already have something in common with...

So, I am feeling a little down but not as bad as before. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...

thanks again everyone, you guys are the best!

art angel

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