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Please help me, I tried to kill myself
December 29, 2005
4:44 pm
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katarina
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I am sorry that life seems so hard for you right now. But, we are here for you. Life does suck somethimes but, we need you to just keep posting how you feel inside. I will listen. I will be here for you. Please know that suicide is not the answer. Go back to your doctor or change doctors and tell them the meds aren't working. Join a group counceling. go to other message boards and talk to other people that are depressed. Do everything you can to get through this. I'm here and care about you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooo

December 29, 2005
5:23 pm
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malefarfromfixed
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December 29, 2005
5:32 pm
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malefarfromfixed
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Sorry about that.

DS, I don't spend a lot of time writing to everybody on this site. Although there are a few people on here who I enjoy reading from. You are one of those people who I really feel for. There are many people on here so willing to help you and it's great that there are so many resources and different approaches cope with the [email protected]#T the life gives us.

I've have kept up on your posts and even tried to offer what works for me. You are in such need of only a day of that comfort we all strive for here. Just to give your mind, body, and soul a rest from the hardships you face now.

I can't really offer anything more than the others. Except to say that I am so glad that you are still with us today, tomorrow, and how ever long you need the community of generous individuals that exist here.

Thank you for being with us

MFFF

December 29, 2005
5:36 pm
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depressionsucks78
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i saw my shrink today. she wants me to stay on the med i'm on, b/c i haven't been on it that long, she wants me to give it a little longer.

i was up at work today, talking to my new boss about my new schedule, and i'm really kind of excited to be going back to days. nights is just literally killing me. my shrink agrees that if i don't get away from this person, i will snap. i told her about all the fantasies i've been having about torturing this co-worker, and she says what i'm feeling is pretty frightening from an outsiders view. she knows my history (i am not, and have never been, a violent person), and when i told her some of my fantasies, she said it's crucial for me to get away from her. i'll call her "H" from now on. i told her i'd like to pin H down and cut her fingers off, one knuckle at a time. that's only the beginning, and she told me to stop. she said if these thoughts continue after i am removed from the situation, i'll have to be hospitalized.i really hope these horrible thoughts go away.

i have become scared of myself, because i don't know when i'm gonna snap. even my bosses are supposedly scared of me, because i'm like a ticking bomb. no one knows when i'll go off. i almost think that's why i hurt myself. i am terrified of hurting other people, so, inadvertently, i turned on myself.

i have never gone through ANYTHING like this before. i've never had such an intense desire to hurt someone else just because i can. i've never even been in a fight. i know i could hold my own if i ever did, cuz my ex-husband taught me how to fight, i've just never used those skills, nor do i want to.

i've been around and around in circles, trying to figure everything out, and all i get is more confused than i was before.

i really want so desperately to stop thinking like i am, and i am just not able to.

i've tried relaxation techniques, i've tried distraction, meds, deep breathing, retraining my thought process, and nothing is working. i really don't know what else to try. i'm eating healthy, getting exercise, and its just like i'm stuck in some kind of limbo.

no matter what i do, where i am, i can't stop the thoughts.

i hate it sooooooo much. i just wish it would stop. i feel tortured, and what i am feeling now, is what i want to inflict on H. she is the reason for all of this shit. my mental problems were under good control until she came along.

anyway, i have to go for now, i'll be back late tonight, MST...probably around 12 or 1 AM

December 29, 2005
5:47 pm
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Lass
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DepressionSucks,

How is that working for you? Remember that you always have choices, can change your mind, your approach, your beliefs, your actions, your words, your thoughts, your responses to life.

There comes a point when we can't do it for ourselves, and many of us find a need for a higher power with real power. And a desire to help and not to harm.

You may need a major rethink of what is and is not working in your life.

I am going to suggest something really simplistic, so you may scoff. Ask God, if he exists, to reveal Himself to you.

December 29, 2005
6:46 pm
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Rasputin
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(((DS)))

I know your pain and lived thru it when I was fired by a supervisor who hated me for being hardworking responsible person. He could not tolerate me and conspired to throw me out and he did.

I had the same evil thoughts you're having right now. I really felt that I wanted to torture him. No one can tolerate injustice especially when we have been decent, innocent and hardworking people and the other evil person had screwed us up out of jealousy or envy or any other negative evil emotion.

Honey, I assure you this is a Passing Phase that will pass quicker than you think and in retrospect, you will be laughing at this period DS and finding it funny how you survived and even Overcome it.
The fact that you started working with new schedule and see new people will help you heal faster than you think and take your mind off the previous one!!!

Here is ((((Warm Hug)))) with hot cocoa to warm your heart and help you relax! LOL I wish I could pass that cup across the screen!

I love you, XOXOXO~Ras~

December 29, 2005
7:45 pm
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mamacinnamon
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DS:

I only had time to skim over the posts, but I want to say to you to keep goin to therapy. Sometimes things take time to get straightened out. You didn't get like this in one day so it's gonna take more than one day to get better. You have got to do what the therapist tells you to do. Believe it or not she does know what she's doin.

I'm sorry I cannot stay right now, but I wanted you to know how much you mean to me and to others here. You are a valuable person. Look inside and see the beauty that is within. I know you said you are not Christian... I will not preach or missionize to you.... just want to suggest that maybe picking up the "good book" and reading a bit might also help out. You are looking for answers. Don't leave any stone unturned.

w/ love,
mamaC

December 29, 2005
7:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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DS: I was lookin thru some paperwork and I found this poem. I would like to share it w/ you. I want you to know that you are not alone. Ever.

I SEE YOUR PAIN

I see your pain and want to banish it with the wave of a star; but have no star.

I see your tears and want to dry them with the hem of an Angel's gown; but have no angel.

I see your heart fallen to the ground and want to return it wrapped in cloths woven of rainbows; but have no rainbows.

God is the one who has stars, and angels, and rainbows; and I am the one God sends to sit beside you until the stars come out and the angels dry your tears and your heart is back in place.

RAINBOW BLESSED.

December 29, 2005
8:20 pm
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revelation
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DS, Hi my dear friend, I didn't see this thread until now. I am sorry that you hit bottom and I wasn't here to help. I'm so glad to see that you have a new job. working nights, can be really hard on the psyche, besides the fact that your boss was such a class a b*tch.

I know what its like to be so depressed and desperate, and although there is a school of thought that says "tough love" is whats best...I don't agree. When you are hurting so badly like that you are pure raw....any tough comments just sting like vinegar, it doesn't make it any better.

Mama's poem says it all. I see your pain, I know what you are going through and it feels so frustrating that I can't help. I think I can understand now how my younger sister must have felt when I hit rock bottom. I can't help you DS, not in any constructive way, all I can do is try to give you some strength through my words. You are never to feel you are alone, there are always people here who will listen and be understanding.

December 29, 2005
8:43 pm
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elizabeth anne
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So let me ask you this. Are there any alternatives to dying??? What stops you from doing it??? Just curious because I once thought about it, but to actually try to do it. I don/t know something stopped me, because I realized as much pain as I was in, did I not want to know what the future may hold for me. Perhaps something good could happen to me and then I wouldn/t know ever again. I guess hope for the future overcame the desire, because if I did it now, how could I ever know what my life could be? Perhaps I would regret it, because how can I predict what the future will bring?? If I did it now, I will never know and then maybe I will have missed out on something beautiful.

December 29, 2005
10:09 pm
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Rasputin
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TheWall,

I am pasting my reply in another thread hoping you will have more sympathy and insight. As they say "Knowledge is Power."

When I studied at college, I remember our psychology teacher telling us that "we are all NORMAL TO SOMETHING...be it NPD,BPD,OCPD, schizoid, histrionic....

So, in conclusion NO ONE IS IMMUNE!!! We are all suffering from something even the most healthy and sound human being among us.

So, WE ARE ALL NORMAL TO SOMETHING............

This fact should motivate us to be understanding, sympathetic and non-judgemental to others. We all suffered and went thru pain and even right now many of us are going thru healing process. Let's give each other ALL the love and sympathy we need to each other. Even the strongest among us could become frail in the face of adversities.

DS is an admirable woman, she is seeking therapy and being honest with her self and others. She is Not being in denial! She needs all our love and support.

~Ras~

December 30, 2005
12:30 pm
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(((((((((((((((ds78))))))))))))))))))

~love charlie~X

December 31, 2005
7:29 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ok, this is the third time I have tried to post. My computer is pissing me off.

I'm VERY sick, again. I am chained to a nebulizer, i am taking steroid pills, and an extra inhaler. I don't know why it keeps getting worse, but this is the 3rd time I've had bronchitis in the last month. Every time I get it, it's worse than the time before. It's pissing me off.

I'm so lonely, it hurts. I want to share tonight with someone so badly it's making me cry. I am just on such a roller coaster of emotions, and I hate it.

December 31, 2005
7:40 pm
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Rasputin
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((((DS))))

I've finished my supper and am AVAILABLE on my pc if you need to talk.

(((Hugs)))

December 31, 2005
7:42 pm
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depressionsucks78
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don't want to talk right now, think i'm gonna go get something to eat myself.

thanks though ras!!

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