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Please help me, I tried to kill myself
December 28, 2005
3:26 am
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depressionsucks78
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I am desperate, I feel so stuck in this mundane existance that some refer to as life.

I can't stop crying, it just hurts so damn bad. My head hurts, and here I am again, keeping it all to myself. I finally told my therapist before, but since then I have been acting like everything is ok. Right now, everyone just thinks I am pissed off at the world.

Yesterday, I tried to kill myself. I haven't done that in soooo long. I haven't cut in a couple of years, and I did it yesterday. I tried to slice open my Femoral artery. I think I nicked it, but I couldn't really hit it cuz of the angle I was at. It bled a LOT, but I woke up, so it didn't bleed enough. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't try that shit again, so what the hell was I thinking?

Now it hurts to walk, and I am still bleeding a little bit. I hate myself so much, because if someone I know finds out, I'll be locked up for sure.

I am sooo scared right now. I just want someone to talk to

December 28, 2005
3:38 am
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ACryForHelp
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Well you have come to the right place!

LOL!

I don't mean to make fun of your situation but I know EXACTLY how you feel!

I am trapped in the town where the most of the abuse took place with family that just make me more depressed and angry and so I am on the verge of going out to burn myself RIGHT NOW!

Thank ALL the god's for this website!

This place has saved my life and I hope we can help you with the same!

First off do not feel bad that you gave in...Just be glad that it didn't screw you up PERMANATELY!!

Second, just keep posting here to talk it all out and, with any luck, we can help you threw this!

Could it be a result of the BULLSHIT that is the "holiday season" that triggered this?

Did you cut in the same place that you usually try to cut or was this a different time (On your leg) because the only thought was of suicide and not just cutting to make the mental pain go away??

I TOTALLY understand that this is rather overwhelming right now but see if annalizing this and breaking it down into smaller, and eaiser to deal with, segments might help you make sence of the situation...

You had a trigger for this...there ALWAYS is one...so what was it this time?

The last 5 to 7 times I have tried to kill myself have always followed something rather segnifigant...so what was your trigger?

What was the reason you tried to use this method? Whas there anything different that could have been caused by the trigger?

Is there anyone that can Physacly come over and help you through this?

It has always helped me if I can find the source of this "Melt down" as I usually refer to them as...

If you can start to understand each episode then you can be more careful in avoiding your "Triggers"

So PLEASE keep posting...Nothing you say here can be turned against you...vent like you have never vented before and see if that helps you as much as it helps me...

Good luck! I am about to pass out...it's almost 2 am here...

so I will pass the helping torch onto the next poster but PLEASE keep posting!

We ALL know what you are going through...

*Hug*

Me

December 28, 2005
3:42 am
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depressionsucks78
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it is almost 2 am here too, i am a cutter, big time, i have burned a few times too, but mostly a cutter

this was the first time i went for my femoral. never done that before

December 28, 2005
3:46 am
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depressionsucks78
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before yesterday I think it had been maybe 2 1/2 maybe 3 years since the last time i cut myself intentionally

December 28, 2005
3:48 am
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Worried_Dad
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depressionsucks78,

There are worse things than being "locked up." Death, for example.

Actually, being in a controlled environment with routines is helpful to a lot of depressed people. You might actually want to check yourself in for a while. It's not like they will keep you for any longer than they have to because of the cost.

If you cant do that because of a job or something...you still need medical care for that wound, and you probably need therapay and antidepressants.

December 28, 2005
3:50 am
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depressionsucks78
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WD...thanks, but I'm already on meds, and I just saw my therapist tonight. Will see the shrink on thirsday.

I refuse to be locked up again, I have had too many bad experiences with THOSE kinds of hospitals.

December 28, 2005
3:51 am
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depressionsucks78
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Thursday...oops.

I don't need medical care, I could sew it up myself if i really felt the need to, I just don't care.

December 28, 2005
8:30 am
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Anonymous
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depressionsucks78,

I'm glad to hear your suicide attempt didn't work and you are still with us. As depressing or painful as life can be, it's worth it, IMHO, and thankfully we can all encourage each other through the rough times.

I'm not familiar with your background. If you think it would help you, would you mind sharing with us what has caused you to come to feel as you do about life?

I spent a week in a psychiatric ward myself, and I agree with you: I'd never want to go back there.

Take care.

December 28, 2005
9:36 am
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2bstrong
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Hey d78...

Aside from all of the practical medical stuff (meds, therapy) what do you do for yourself? What kind of hobbies or interests do you have? What kind of support do you have? I certainly am no expert, but I've read that the thoughts of suicide often occur when there is not enough support for the sadness or the trauma.

I'm glad you are here and talking about it and posting. Please know, that you are not alone--and I think I speak for most here...we care!

2b

December 28, 2005
9:50 am
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taj64
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Im glad you are still with us. I think you have a lot to offer. You just have to keep trying even if it doesn't feel right just yet.

December 28, 2005
10:08 am
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D dog
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Hi DS -

I saw the thread title and thought, ok, which one of us is it this time?

You are NOT alone! Two weeks ago today I was standing in my garage, door closed, keys in hand...I really really wanted out - the pain of BF's cheating, plus all the damn baggage of my life in gerenal, felt too much to bear.

But! Here I am, and I am so so glad to be here...life will never be perfect, but it was not meant to be...we're here to learn, and by learning and working through all the pain in our lives, we become enlightened, better, people - happier with ourselves and more able to help others through THEIR troubled times.

I know, at the time, I was thinking, "F**k others! They don't know what I'm dealing with here! Let G*d sort 'em out!" But I was wrong...you can't grade emotional pain on any scale known to man, everyone's hurt runs just as deeply.

So I'm not judging you or your actions...my heart goes out to you.

You just need to really dig deep and find out why you hurt so much. As ACFH said - find out what the triggers are...you don't HAVE to feel this way, it is only you that keeps yourself there...there is another way out that will enable you to stay alive...what are the circumstances, and, if you can't change them, how can you change your view of them? Is any of it really your fault to begin with? I bet not.

Keep posting here, this is a good place to do some digging (as most of us are even more "whacked out" than you are!)...well, not to speak for others, but I probably am...I'm here for ya, for what it's worth...

(((DS)))

December 28, 2005
3:15 pm
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thewall
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DP,

If you don't like those kinds of hospitals then stop cutting, burning and hurting yourself. You know exactly what you are doing and you know exactly what will come of it if you do it, (hosp) so stop playing games.

I hope you decide to get better by being more open with your and therapist, and psychiatrist instead of continueing to play games with them and with yourself.

You are choosing to stay stuck in your depression and in the way life is. Yes, it is a choice you are making. Get a real life bc that is no way to live. Stop hurting yourself and get a life...choose life.

No one can help you but you. No amt of dr or shrinks or therapists. YOU are the only one who can decide what you want out of life. You are the only one who can get yourself unstuck. You are the only one who can not only listen to what your therapist has to say but actually put it into practice for yourself.

So again, get off your tailbone and get busy living.

This attention seeking behavior has got to stop. There are other healthier ways of getting attn. You know what they are. You have been in therapy long enough to know what to do in place of the cutting, burning,self harm stuff. Now go do it. Its all up to you....good luck

thewall

December 28, 2005
5:34 pm
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mamabear
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thewall,
that was pretty harsh, you know?
DS came here for support, not to be griped at and told to get off her ass or to stop playing games. You don't know her pain, even if you've been in pain yourself, you cannot possibly understand what she is going through right now, so if you don't have some positive support instead of attacks, maybe you should look inside yourself and see what kind of "game" you are playing talking to a hurt, wounded soul in that manner.

Mamabear

HUGS TO DEPRESSIONSUCKS78

December 28, 2005
5:59 pm
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thewall
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Mamabear,

If you dealt with as many borderlines as I have, you would understand. It does no good to coddle them. This is an area where I have a lot of experience.

Its called tough love. Trust me on this one.

Sorry you dont understand what I am doing. You would need alot of experience professionally in this area to understand this.

thewall

December 28, 2005
7:00 pm
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mamabear
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No, I don't understand. All I know is that your post made me very angry. If you have experience, what is it? Professional? Because if you are a professional then maybe you should stick to patients that you know personally and know their story and if that is what is really going on. On this site, you are supposed to support others. You are classifying DS as a borderline? You are qualified to to that I assume? To me, that is judgement, which is specifically prohibited on this site. Tough love is best served by people who are there in person and truly have a love bond. Your "tough love" just might push an already hurting person to really go the distance and make sure their next attempt doesn't fail.

Take it from someone who has hurt so much in their life that they have tried to kill themselves, more than once. You obviously do not know pain like that, or have never been in that situation, or you would not think that she is only out to play games.

December 28, 2005
7:35 pm
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mamabear
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BTW,

My own little sister age 18 just recently tried to kill herself again. I know she is in so much pain that anyone attacking her would just hurt her even more. If anyone tried to show her some tough love, they better make sure that they really love her and they were there to help her through her pain instead of just telling her to get out of her rut "get a life". When you are in the midst of pain that overwhelming, it does not always help to "know what to do." Yes, maybe she does know what to do, but that doesn't make it easy to do it.

Hence the reason for my nickname: I am like an angry mama bear when I perceive a threat to my cub. And DS is my cub right now, so unless you have something postive to help with, real, meaningful support, take your tough love away from her. She needs to know she is not alone. And if she needs attention, then this is certainly the place she can find it in a supportive environment. That is what these boards are for.

December 28, 2005
7:39 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Dear MamaBear and thewall,

I agree with both of you and I disagree with both of you.

Overall, though, I am having quite a bit more trouble with thewall right now.

I don't think it is helpful to DS or to this thread to have people fighting about the advice they give on this thread.

Therefore I am referring this particular diagreement to liberation brew.

I would appreciate it if posters focussed on support in this thread.

MammaC and the wall have both offered support here, but in my opinion you are both going astray by arguing in a really, really serious support thread.

December 28, 2005
7:48 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Actually, DS, you do need medical care.

To begin with, you are most likely not qualifed to "sew yourself up."

Until you are able to articulate the idea that "I have a problem with hurting myself and I cannot stop doing it and I want some professionals to help me," then you are taking a big risk.

Can I help you? I want to teach you something, ok?

December 28, 2005
9:20 pm
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Hi DS.... Saw my name so I figured I'd better post. You know I'd post to you anyway. I think alot of you honey. Just had not opened this thread yet.

DS... Is there anything I can do for you? Can we talk this out and maybe get past it?

I don't remember so could you fill me in, but do you take meds? My son when he takes his meds does just fine, but when he does not he is so totally out of control. If you have meds honey; take them please.

I know you have dealt w/ this thought of suicide over and over, but please remember the question I asked you on past occasion? Can you come up w/ one, just one, person who cares about your. If you can then you are meant to stay and live your life. You will touch so many folks... let's do it in person rather than by memory.

I must take a rest for about 45 minutes, but I'll be back to see if you are here and want to talk. I'm here for you as always. Hope to talk to you then. I'm sorry I cannot stay now, but I will check back at 10pm cst; promise.

((((( ds ))))))

December 28, 2005
10:18 pm
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mamabear
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the wall,

DS is not my sister, nor is she my cub. I am not a professional, but I am a person who has been in pain and so I am projecting my experiences onto DS. I do not know how she would take your tough love, and I should not have taken so much offense to your advice, when it was not direted at me. I do not agree, but that is neither here nor there, I see WD's point about taking away from a serious thread with our debate, and for that I apologize.

DS,
take what you can and leave the rest, advice is just that no matter the source, mine included.

((((HUGS))))

December 29, 2005
12:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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DS:

Hey, a little late, but better than not. You here and want to talk? I'll hang around a bit if ya don't mind.

December 29, 2005
12:49 am
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camra
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DS, honey are you still out there ? please come back and let us you how your doing.

heres my take on this subject. Suicide is something that most of us have experienced with someone in our lives so the subject can be rather tough to deal with when someone says they have tryed or are thinking of doing so. Its very hard to think that someone would do so.
So this creates stress and confustion on just what to do, even the professionals get very upset over this issue.

So Ok everyone take a deep breath and lets work together to help those who have these issues in their lives.
the fact that we are aurgueing means that we all care you know?

Anyway DS. my advice to you and I advise this very strongly, find someone that you can really really trust someone who you know you can call in the middle of the night if needed too and let them help you..

I wonder if you belive in GOD ? If you do find yourself in Him, this is the best thing I belive anyone can ever do... YOU will see amazeing things happening in your life once you find GOD in your life infact your life will change unbeliveably..
Oh and there are chirstian theripest too DS. Maybe you could find one that you know you can trust..

but most of All DS keep comeing back here and posting, don't stop doing that ok,,, Posting can help alot with finding answers you never thought of... OK

please come back and post..

Godbless!
camra

December 29, 2005
1:29 am
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Worried_Dad
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Depression sucks, it totally does.

DS, from what I am hearing, you are depressed, but not exactly committed to ending your life. Instead it sounds like you wish you could just feel better. Is that correct?

You do need to work hard with your therapists, and stay on your meds, and avoid alcohol and drugs which confuse and sap energy. Eating well is also important.

Getting plenty of excercise is going to help you elevate your energy level, and will help alleviate depression. I am taliking about strenous excercise here, like lifting weights.

Taking control of your diet and excercise can also help you do something else that helps depression--namely, creating routines in your life. Depression thrives on a random, idle meandering lifestyle. Idle hands are depression's playthings.

It is important to remember that you are not your emotions. Your emotions can come and go and leave you the same person--let you negative emotions be like bad weather that comes and goes. It is sometimes possible to "pretend" our way in to being happy. It looks like waking up thinking "Life sucks but I am popping out of bed, off to work smiling, I ve got a lot to do today!" It really is about faking it, for a while. "I wonder what a happy person would do in this situation?"

Of course it is natural to feel depressed when there are unpleasant things in our life that we feel we cannot control or influence the outcome of. Powerlessness is a depressing thing, and when we are depressed, it tends to make us feel powerless. One approach is to accept that we are powerless about some things....accept that there some things we cannot change.

But it is possible to become more powerful and to get more control over our lives. Even little things like creating schedules and routines in our lives around food, meals, sleep and excercise can do a lot to make us feel more powerful and happier. You can begin to make changes in your life that help you feel happier.

Finding social support is an important part of fighting depression. Human beings ar very social animals and if we let ourselves become isolated, most people experience depression. And depressed people tend to isolate themselves. Funny how that works.

And it is also true, as another poster said, that your mood and thoughts...your depression have something do do with the choices you make. There is a paradigm of human development that describes the life of a human being in terms of the choices they have made.

In that model, a human being must make three sequential choices in their life before they are a fully mature person. Those are the choices

1) To Live

2) To Love

3) To Serve.

Notice that these choices are neccesarily sequential. You can't really do one before the other. But we can let our desire to accomplish those things be an incentive to help us get through each developmental task. For example, a person who really wants to love and be loved can understand that if they are dead, or even choose to be not-quite-fully alive, then they can't possibly
truly enjoy and offer the fruits of love.

And a person who wants to be of service to relatives, children, society, mankind, is not really going to be able to offer full service unless they have developed their own capacity for love.

You really do have to make a choice, and then you have to stick by your choice. If you want to be a happy person, first you have to decide that you really want to live, and living means a lot more than just not being dead.

Think about it. It is a big decision--not to be taken lightly.

In the mean time, try to be good to yourself.

December 29, 2005
4:29 am
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depressionsucks78
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hi everyone

first let me start by first saying this: thewall....you are WAYYYYYY out of line. you do not know me, so please, don't judge me. i don't judge you when you are in pain, please do the same for me. just because i have BPD, does not make you an expert on "me".

enough about that.

thank you everyone for your concern. today was a bad day. i pretty much just stayed holed up in my room, all of the things that i have been doing to keep myself healthy, and despite all of my hard work in therapy, and with my shrink, trying to find a med that works, i'm a wreck. I am trying so damn hard to make everything work, and what really pisses me off is that I swore i would NEVER try killing myself again, and before i knew what happened, i sliced myself wide open.

i do not like this. i do not like being consumed by these feelings i'm having. trust me, i am working on it. i am going to therapy, i'm seeing my shrink, i'm taking my meds.

nothing is working right now.

i am NOT a christian. i have my own beliefs, and my own god, but church, and prayer is not a part of it. thank you for the thought, but no thanks.

mama.....thank you for waiting for me, i'm sorry i wasn't here.

I am so desperate to figure this out, and i am trying SOOOOO hard to make it better, i'm doing what i should be doing, but i keep hitting every single roadblock, and it's pissing me off, because people say "quit looking for attention", i'm not. i don't want attention, i just want a regular life that doesn't involve hospitals and doctors of every specialty, pshych wards, restraints.....

i want to give up, but i'm too damn stubborn. i just don't the energy to fight it anymore.

December 29, 2005
4:34 am
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depressionsucks78
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everyday life is getting to the point of being to much for me to handle, even right now, when i'm off work.

i've been ignoring stupid daily things that need to be done, and the clutter around here is driving me nuts.

I JUST HATE MY LIFE, AND I HATE THE WAY people think they can help me magically, that's a funny one.

i am wiccan, and "they" are gonna "cure" me? hahaha, that's pretty damn funny

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