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Please Explain Narcissists and Hoovering and Everything Else
January 25, 2008
1:26 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Bitsy -

I feel like this thread has sort of "derailed" from its original track. That said, I wanted to pull up one thing you said which doesn't sit right in my heart:

"I pretty much am as good as I am going to get."

Speaking as a 57-year-old, recovering codependent who has (1) done therapy over several, long stretches in her life, (2) continues to read "self-help" books and (3) still struggles with codependency issues, I don't agree with you at all. I believe you will continue to recover, continue to grow, continue to heal. Each of us gets stronger and wiser with every, passing day and every, hurtful experience. You are changing before our very eyes, as the expression goes. I see it. You surely see it. Your healing may not be complete, but that doesn't mean it isn't in progress. It is.

Press on, my friend.

- Ma Strong

January 25, 2008
2:04 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Thanks Ma. I am changing. Even R has noticed it. He called and wanted me to do something tonight. I told him I had other plans and was available another night. I will no longer stand a "girl" friend up for a man if I have already made plans. He quickly asked me if we could do something next weekend. I told him that would suit my schedule better.

I have always heard that what attracts you to a person will later be what bugs you most. My ex-husband had to know well ahead of time what was planned. If I were having people over for dinner I had to let him know at least a week ahead of time. He wasn't much for spontaneous. When I met R that was something that was refreshing about him. He would spring dinner or a movie or a trip on me at the last minute. Now I want to know a day or two in advance what the plan is.

Bitsy

January 25, 2008
4:42 pm
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StronginHim77
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Refusing to stand up or cancel a get-together with a girlfriend, just because a man calls, is HUGE. Way to go, Bitsy!! I'm proud of you.

- Ma

January 25, 2008
5:14 pm
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Slow and steady wins the race.

Bitsy

January 26, 2008
12:41 pm
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I went to the ball last night and I do say I looked good (except for my hair,but that is another story). It was cold and rainy but I ran into several people I have known for a long time. It was nice. All the men stood on the sidelines and looked good in white tie and tail. All the women danced. Men just can't dance and do justice to She's A Brick. Needless to say R was not there. He had called me 5 times by the time I left at 11pm. (I had told him I had something to do after work and would call him when I was finished) I called him back and he asked me to stop by on my way home. I decided he deserved to see how good I looked (hey low self esteem/high self esteem). When I walked in we both started laughing and I told him I had been to a ball. He asked if I had fun. I admitted that I did. We talked about us for a little while. He had talked to our friend S (who used to work in the mental health field) S had asked him if he was happy away from me and he had said no. S told him that I needed and deserved stability in my life. We talked about that. We talked about what happened last Saturday night. I told him once again he had to get a handle on drinking that he could not do that anymore and if he did I would not be the one to come get him he could suffer the consequenses. My friend D had to back out on going to the concert with me tonight so I asked him if he still wanted to go. We made plans to fix dinner early and go to the concert together.

We talked about wiping the slate clean and starting over. We also talked about trust issues. I reminded him that I had to have healthy boundaries and I was no longer jumping through hoops for him. I have friends who are coming over from another city to see this concert tonight. He offered to have them come to dinner so he could meet them. I told him I would check.

I went to the restroom and made a comment to him about him throwing my toothbrush away. He laughed and said he was mad at me after I had walked out January 1 and he had gone through and thrown a lot of stuff away. He laughed and offered to buy me a new one. I told him to hold off we would have to see.

Bitsy

January 26, 2008
1:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Bitsy -

You will know when you are "done" with this man. You aren't done yet. Keep posting. We are here for you.

- Ma

January 31, 2008
11:02 am
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MsGuided
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Here is an excellent book.

I wanted to go more in depth about narcissim and found this resource.

The Book is called:
"Malignant Self Love_ Narcissism Revisited" By Sam Vaknin.
Maybe this was mentioned before but I thought I would bump this.
One trap some of us fall into is the knight in shining armour syndrome. That can lead to exposure to a narcissist. Maybe some of us have parents with these tendencies?

This is the main page

http://samvak.tripod.com/thebook.html

This is the PDF file with Book exerpts.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse......c_Routines

January 31, 2008
4:12 pm
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thanks...

Bitsy

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