Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Please Explain Narcissists and Hoovering and Everything Else
January 23, 2008
5:27 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Someone please put it all together. I gave R walking papers January 1. I used Doris Day's words. I no longer want to worry about who and what you are trying to do. This is not an ultimatum asking you to choose between me and any other woman---SHE CAN HAVE YOU. He called me on January 7th and cried telling me he would love me until the day he died. (I was asleep and answered the phone before I realized what I was doing.) He came to see me. He came and took me out to dinner. Last Saturday he stayed home and I could tell he had been upset and crying when he called me. He proceeded to go to a local bar where he got knee walking drunk, crying in his cups as it were over me. A friend of his got his phone and found my number and asked me to come get him. At first I refused but he would not leave with this friend and was in really bad shape. I went in and got him and brought him to my house (Cat was not here) and put him to bed in my bed and went and got in Cats bed. The next morning at 5am he woke me and wanted to talk. I told him I had made things too easy on him and that I had done a lot of work on me and had to set some healthy boundaries and I was too old and too tired to put up with this bullshit. I told him that if there was any other woman anywhere in the picture I was out of it. He assured me there was no other woman but I don't believe him. I took him home. He has called me every day since then to tell me almost every move he has made. In my heart I think he has tickets to the ball and I am going and think I will bust him there, but my plan is to be ever the lady and not cause a scene. I really am soooo over this situation but for some reason I can't remove myself from it. I wish I understood that about myself. I don't even think I love him anymore. You would think that would make things easier but it doesn't. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. I am extremely disappointed in him. I don't think he is living up to his full potential. I am really pissed at him for getting drunk and showing his butt Saturday night and having to go get him.

Is this hoovering? Is this Co-dependency? What the hell is wrong with me??? If this were any other man in my past I would have had a royal hissy fit by now and told them just where to jump off the end of the pier. Why can't I tell this one to get lost???? I have never put up with this BS out of anyone before. I have told two men they didn't deserve me and walked away. What is the hold this one has???? THIS IS NOT ME!!!!

I know you guys don't believe me but I have never put up with this in the past why am I doing it now?????

Help me understand.

Bitsy

January 23, 2008
6:26 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy

January 23, 2008
7:10 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy -

You have shared many wise and insightful postings with people who have come to these threads, seeking emotional relief. I wish you could read your own wonderful words to others and repeat them to yourself.

You truly do understand the dynamics of what is going on right now. You step back. He gets drunk. His friend calls you, using his cell phone. You "refuse," but wind up taking responsibility for his drunken self and go fetch him. You bring him to your OWN house...put him in your OWN bed. Then, you tell him the next morning that you want to set some healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, actions speak louder to these guys than words.

Your actions of "rescuing" his drunk self and bringing him to your own home/bed said it all. You aren't ready to part with him. You are rescuing him and scolding him and "fixing" him. And only you will know when you have had enough and feel strong enough to put him out of your life and move on. He is NOT fixable. You still care about him "not living up to his potential." Who cares? You are still taking his calls. WHY? You are going to dinner with him. WHY? Because you aren't ready to end it yet. You will know when you are.

And you understand that all of the above is CLASSIC codependency. And not healthy for you. Not at all. But we all have to reach the "end" of ourselves and walk away on our own initiative. It is always tough, leaving a toxic partner. Infinitely harder, than leaving a "normal/healthy" partner. Keep posting. Journal what is going on. Read it in black & white. It will bring you greater strength and inner resolve. And that is what it takes, giving up our "fix" with these toxic partners.

My best to you,

Ma Strong

January 23, 2008
7:29 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks. I have never put up with the crap out of anyone else that I have put up with out of this man. I am at the end. I want those boundaries. I told him the other day that he could not get drunk and act that way again and if he did I would call his mother next time to go fetch him.

Bitsy

January 23, 2008
7:31 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why should YOU call his mother? Let him call her by himself. Just don't take his calls. PERIOD.

Follow my reasoning here?

- Ma

January 23, 2008
8:47 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy,

You have said so many times on these boards that you don't want to be alone, that you hate to be alone. In my opinion, until you turn that around, you won't let go of R.

You have a job, a roof over your head, friends, a loving daughter - that is more than so many have. Maybe you have spent a lot of time alone in your life - many people do. And you've said that you "can do it", but that you don't like it.

Why not learn to be alone (which you're not really because you have Cat) and learn to enjoy it?

As Nappy has said before, today is a new day. A day we've never seen before. Learn to enjoy your own company and be happy on your own without a man. Your daughter needs to see that.

You have to conquer that fear and learn how to thrive, not just survive, on your own without a man.

My two cents, from reading your posts since August.

Mary

January 24, 2008
7:13 am
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy, do you know how to do a google search? You type words like "hoovering" and "Narcissim" into google's search box and hit the search button. Then you begin to select and read.
thats how I learned about these things.

January 24, 2008
10:17 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy you ask:

"Help me understand."

What you have done in this situation is that you have put this man ABOVE ALL in your life. You have given this man ALL of your power as a woman.

You already know the answers to any questions that you are asking. You have been dealing with this man for along time going through the same things with him and haven't anything change.
You have a daughter that will soon become a woman, you want her to be a strong woman in this life because she is going to have to deal with some of these same mens that you are dealing with. If you are not handling the situation now, what do you think you are going to show your daughter.......

To me talking is cheap.....it is all about action. If we can give someone else advice, then that mean that we have to hear ourselves when we speak.

You say you gave ( R ) his walking paper on January 1, but I see that he is still walking back and forth through the door in your life and you are letting him. If you want ( R ) then you have to accept him, you can not change him. If you don't want him, then let him go and you forcus on your life and leading a life with your daughter. Take the time to see what your life is all about. Stop living for this man, you trying to feel sorry for him, but who is going to feel sorry for you. Enjoy your life, live your life, because we are not promise to tomorrow and I would hate the fact that you are wasting your life on a man that you already know is not good for you. And if you have the fear of being alone, then that is something that you will have to work on because one day we all is going to be alone in life, we just have to learn to deal with it.

I hope you all the best and hope that you will get a good understand on why you are doing these things because life is to precious to be living in confusing, when you should be enjoying your life now.

Nappy

January 24, 2008
11:07 am
Avatar
DorisDay
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Bitsy.

I am just catching up on posts here.

Again, my breaking point with Dr. Ex was due to my past heartache over STDs. I simply couldn't bear to risk my health to yet another unfaithful man. That was my breaking point. Yes, I cried....I was shattered..but my health superceded my need for him.

You too will find your breaking point...trust me. When you do, you will stop contact with him, cry, then persevere. Again, I had a history of bad STDs, and that was my breaking point with Dr. Ex. I don't know if I would have stopped contact with him if I had not had the experience of STDs..you know? But here I was..48 years old...crying at my GYN's office, over what? Another man who had sent me to the petri dish and need, probing to see if I had another STD. Thank God I didn't..but my Herpes and HPV are viruses that won't go away. What is next..HIV? Hepatitis?

You have to stay healthy for your daughter. What if this drunk screws around with a woman who is NOT clean? I don't mean to sound dramatic, but whenever I get a Herpes outbreak, I think 'shit..all because of that jerk I married.'

Now, my HPV finally led me to a hysterectomy, along with a cyst on my ovary. If anythinig, try to think in terms of preserving your health. You don't want to die over the man's unfaithfulness. TRUST YOUR RED FLAGS HONEY!

January 24, 2008
12:28 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I myself have thought everything you have told me. I don't understand why I am acting co dependent with THIS man at THIS time. I have never had any trouble telling any other one to hit the road Jack. I started therapy when I was 17 to deal with the alcoholism of my mother. I have told my own father that if he didn't stop drinking I wanted nothing else to do with him. When it came to a choice between my father living with me and helping me financially or my daughters happiness...I found my father a house that he bought. THESE are the things I don't understand. Why does THIS one have this ability over me. I don't call him anymore. I don't send him texts. If he calls I answer and talk to him and tell him what is going on in my life and ask about his but I no longer go out of my way for him. I have been in therapy three different times in my life. I pretty much am as good as I am going to get. I read self help books.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
1:18 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are still taking his calls. That means you are still not ready to make a complete break with him. Which leaves the door to your heart wide open for more pain.

I am glad that you don't call him, but you sounded pretty excited about going to the ball Friday night and running into him...even fantasizing about scribbling something insulting onto his windshield, right? All of these behaviors indicate (loudly and clearly) that you still care about him (understandable - it takes time and "No Contact" to get over that), no matter how badly he has treated you or what a mess he is. You are not ready to walk away and initiate "No Contact." Until you do, he will be like an open wound on your heart. Only severing contact with him will allow the healing process to begin. You will let us know when you are ready.

- Ma

January 24, 2008
1:38 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy,

You do know why you keep doing what you are doing. You don't want to leave this man alone.
Like I have told many who don't want anything to do with that man but keep being with him. If you want to be with this man, then so be it.
Your mind is like the wave of the sea when it is tossing it waves back and forth, back and forth. One minute you can't live with out him and then the next minute you want to do something terrible.
It is not about a need for this person, it is about how you feel about yourself.
What is the need to get answers when you may not apply them to your thinking?
We all have or maybe had a rough childhood and yes, our parents may or may not have been there for us because they had there own problems, but there do comes a time when you have to accept the fact that is it your own doing in whatever that you go through in life.
We don't need other people to tell us what we are doing in our own life. Whether it is good or bad, we are doing it to ourselves.
Like I said before all of the answers lies within you.

Nappy

January 24, 2008
1:45 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh and something else that I wanted to add.

when we finally realize in life that people are going to be people regardless of who they are. We can't cange anyone. But when you come to the point that you have to keep people in there place and stop letting them get inside that one special part of you that you have given up to him. When you do that, then you are doom to go through the hurt and pain. There are a lot of womens that are doing that and then they is wondering why things are not going well for them. Love is not when you lose yourself to another person. Love is not when a person can get that deep down inside of you to make you feel depress, hurt, sad or even angry. There should be a place inside of you to where you will recognize what is good for you and what is not.
And it should be a place to where you don't tell this person EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, there should be some things that you keep to yourself.

Nappy

January 24, 2008
2:04 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think we need to listen carefully to ourselves when so much of our talk is about what we did or didn't get or what we should or shouldn't have. That is clearly an indication that we're expecting other people to make us happy.

If we have habitually "lost" ourselves in other people, we have little experience in making ourselves happy. In fact, we might not even KNOW who we are, what we like and dislike, because we've focused so much on others.

Being left alone is then like being left with a stranger. We have to get to know ourselves for the first time. The more time we spend getting to know ourselves and taking care of ourselves, the more we want to protect ourselves from people who don't treat us well.

January 24, 2008
2:48 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I no longer feel the burning desire to see him. I no longer expect anything of him or want anything of him. I had a job interview today. He called me to find out how it went. That was nice. I respect his business sense.

And yes, I did talk to a friend of mine today. I told her I didn't know which would disappoint me more, if he is at the ball tomorrow night with a date or if he isn't.

For those of you telling me to be comfortable alone. I am there. I am happy to go to my little house, climb in the bath tub and read a book. This is what I knew would happen and it was what I was afraid of but it is here now. I have no desire to date, no desire to be around people, no desire to go out to dinner with anyone, and no desire to have anyone come to my house either. Cat is with her dad tonight. I can't wait to get off work and go home. I have an Anne Rivers Siddons and a John Grishom waiting on me... and if that isn't enough I have 5 episodes of Law & Order, some CSI's tonight is Grey's Anatomy. I just didn't want to fall back into this habit.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
3:08 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

there is a difference between learning to have a full life on your own as a single woman and isolating

when I have mention "being alone", I'm referring to the former

January 24, 2008
3:10 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

...when I mention... no "have"

January 24, 2008
3:38 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

But see that is what it is and that is who I am. Where I live there isn't a lot for a single person to do and I am just not interested in going to a bar alone and having a glass of wine.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
4:42 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is who you CHOOSE to be. If you want a different life for yourself, you'll have to make some changes. Now you're blaming your town? Please.

January 24, 2008
5:05 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No I am not blaming the town. I'm just stating a fact. This is who I am. I am not nor have I ever been the life of the party. I just am. Right now I WANT to go home and be by myself. I don't want to have to be anything to anyone else and I don't want to have to carry my part of any conversation. I talk on the phone all day at work. I don't have many words left to say at the end of the day. I don't WANT to go shopping even though I have a gift certificate. THIS is me.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
5:14 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy, You can do whatever you like. If you want to read a book in the bath, do it, and enjoy it. If you don't want to see anyone, then don't. Do whatever you want and enjoy it. It's your life to live as you wish. That's the whole point. Mary

January 24, 2008
5:27 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is just it. This is such a circlular argument I have with myself. I am comfortable alone and in the tub with a book. I am comfortable with what and who I am but I don't WANT to be this person. I don't want to end up old and alone and I will because I WON'T PUT THE EFFORT INTO GOING OUT AND MEETING PEOPLE. I am comfortable like this and yet am uncomfortable because I want more for myself.
I KNOW IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME EITHER.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
5:32 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

and in addition to going to the ball tomorrow night I have the tickets we had bought several months ago to a concert Saturday night.. My friend D is going with me.

Bitsy

January 24, 2008
11:32 pm
Avatar
Celtic1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy,

I may not be as knowledgeable as many who have posted here but I DO understand. I live in what I call the "dead zone". The town I live in is so small I'm not sure there are any single men or women under 70. I am an hours drive from anywhere which might possibley have live people and I don't know any of them anyway. Everyone I work with is either married or in a commited relationship. I go to the gym, CODA meetings and NOTHING else. I want more for myself too. I am reading all the self help books. But Da*n solitude can be very lonely. So I just kind of say OK I'll go to work and go home. Oh Goody another fun evening. Once in awhile I will go to dinner with friends but that's it. Window shopping and going to the movies by ones self gets old after awhile. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. But I'm afraid I don't. But I DO understand what you are saying and feeling.

Celtic

January 25, 2008
12:54 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you Celtic. I appreciate you.

Bitsy

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38535
Posts: 714196
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer