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Please, asking advice, can you tell me if i could've handled this better?
September 15, 2005
12:57 pm
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stwhirlwind
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so, i have a question for y'all... do you think that i caused the following to happen? i feel as if i did and HE sure as hell makes me feel like it was my fault:

(First a little background, he and i are semi-broken up, for the last few months, he is moving out at the begining of November, i still love him and would work it out if he wanted to, but that's up to him)

Last nite HE get's home from work (i had just cleaned up the house when i got home from work and cooked dinner) We sat down to eat. We had talked about the plans for my b-day on Saturday the nite before because he had asked me what i wanted to do WEEKS ago then all of a sudden didn't remember if he had band practice Saturday afternoon afterall. So he says, "We can go golfing after all on Saturday afternoon, i don't have to practice" So i say ok and then he asks "Is it cool if i invite Robert along?" (Robert is his bandmate). well of course it kinda bugged me because it's MY birthday not his but i said sure whatever. Then he says "Yea, Robert asked if it was going to be a golf/bbq nite" (which REALLY pissed me off because he knew we were already planning on going to dinner to a nice resturant and if we bbq'd I'D end up doing more work than relaxing) So i say "um no, i wanna do dinner" He says ok and this is the part where i wonder if it's all my fault...the codep. comes out, i say "Is that ok with you, you still wanna do dinner?" and he says "Yea, I don't care what we do" so i take it as him being annoyed or mad because i feel that he wants to bbq so i say "Well, don't be mad" that was it. all i had to say, he threw his dinner, drink, everything off the table across the room and yelled "i wasn't f'n mad, but now i am!" He then proceeds to ask why i have to push his buttons and why do i have to annoy him when he's in a bad mood from work, when i can see that he doesn't want to talk, and he says that "you say you love me but you don't even know me, when to leave me alone" (mind you i've been living with this person for 4 years!) So i am crying and trying to pick up all the mess and he get's pissed and says "leave it, i made the mess i'll get it." anyway...long story short he proceeds to say mean and hurtful things to me, calling me names, all that making me feel like it is all my fault...he says that i TOLD him he was mad, when he wasn't and that is why all of this happened. so that is my question to you, is it all my fault? could i have handled it better??? please advise. thanks.

September 15, 2005
3:03 pm
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columbia
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In short "It is not your fault" He was looking for an excuse to do what he really wanted to do and he set you up. You could confront him with this truth and he will turn it around on you again. So don't. Instead do something for yourself that has nothing to do with him. This crazy making behavior can truly make you crazy. Just a suggestion but avoid any intense contact with him for a while . Read other posts. By the way Happy Birthday

September 15, 2005
3:19 pm
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no1knows
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Hi,
This is not your fault in any way shape or form. He is abusive and has obvious anger issues. Don't put up with anyone treating you this way. I know it is hard because you love him, but sometimes it is best to just let go so he can get help and heal. It really isn't your fault. I wish I could give you a hug. This is how my father used to act.

September 15, 2005
3:33 pm
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readyforachange
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Okay, first off, it isn't your fault. The man obviously has anger management issues. It is NOT OKAY to throw things, call names, etc. You did nothing to provoke that; you were simply trying to have a conversation to make plans for your birthday.

Secondly, the only thing that I can see that you might want to work on - and I'm not anyone to talk about this really becuase I do it all the time - is the sayind "okay" when I really don't mean it. The fact that you told him it was okay for Robert to come along on your birthday when you really didn't want that to happen....this kind of thing always got me into hot water. I never really said what I felt, and then I resented the fact that no one knew that I didn't really feel that way. I think it's typical codep behavior.

Hugs to you....you really deserve them. Hope you have a nice birthday and don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you want. It took me 42 years to learn that.

September 15, 2005
3:35 pm
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stwhirlwind
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Thank you both. It makes me feel better to know that he would've acted like this no matter what I said. I think he takes his anger when he's unhappy about his life out on me, because i'm an easy target.

I just don't understand this behavior, i would never treat someone this way. sigh.

September 15, 2005
4:21 pm
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CAMER
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sounds like hugggggeeee anger issues on his part...for him to talk to you like that was not necessary, and was
disrespectful, and i don't care if he had a bad day, heck, who doesn't have bad days....doesn't mean we have to throw things and swear etc.

just be careful, he may not be the man you think he is....sounds like alot of issues on his part.

and Stwhirlwind ((((happy b'day))) to you!!!!

September 15, 2005
5:10 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I always ask my husband if he is mad at something but he never blows up about it i think its just an excuse to be a jack ass sorry but he had anger from somewhere else and he decided to take it out on you. Misplaced anger. Sorry that he took it out on you you desirve better than that

September 15, 2005
5:14 pm
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Randomwomen2
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actualy now that i think about it my husband does do the sme thing yells at me for no aparent reason. Wow i hadnt even thought about it. Sorry i lied but does it count if its unintentional?

September 15, 2005
5:30 pm
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stwhirlwind
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Thanks guys, you totally make me feel better, it gives me a little boost of confidence that i'm not crazy!

September 16, 2005
8:26 am
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shyshy
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Oh my God!! He has a fit and throws his food across the room and your asking if it's your fault??????

He's just trying to pass the blame on you because HE had a bad day and lost his cool!! He obviously did not have your best intentions in mind when planning for your Bday either!!

My ex husband, who is gay, used to cheat on me all the time with other men and then blame me!! How do you like them apples??

September 16, 2005
9:35 am
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July1209
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Whatever your mistakes were, YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS BAD BEHAVIOURS. You are not responsible for his feelings, actions, or REACTIONS. he is. You deserve better then to have to tip toe around him and his feelings, wants, and needs. He could simply have told you what you did or said and how that makes him feel. Like, "when you assume I am mad I feel angry...Can you ask me instead?", or just not taken his anger out on you. He could have said That made me mad and went for a walk to cool down.

I notice you didn't say no to his friend coming, but you wanted a nice romantic day with him. What happened to your needs? How important are you to you?

September 16, 2005
10:31 am
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Dear stwhirlwind,

It does sound like you both are pretty unhappy, Honey. There is no excuse for the anger/temper tantrum/abuse, of course.

I recognize the evasion tactics for that romantic birthday you wanted (similar situation) -- he really didn't want to cater to your wish for a romantic getaway. I think he knows he is f&*king up with the relationship and he really has to deflect on to you in order to preserve his pride.

I'm not sure a woman can handle those situations any better than you did. He CHOSE to blow up when you had the "audacity" to TELL him how he might be feeling. "You don't know me, You don't know whaqt I'm thinking, You don't know how I feel" is what I used to hear.......and yet when you have your "radar" tuned to him you really do know there are negative feelings coming from him.

My gut instinct says you are so much more than this guy....maybe you need to say some "I.." statements, like "I hate the way you treat me. No one deserves to be treated that way" or "I think you're a loving caring man. Why are you behaving like this?" or "I think we can handle this. Would you like it if I made plans for my birthday without you?" I know it's really hard when you are in the middle of the situation. You shouldn't have to feel that egg-shell stuff. Trust yourself. Do the things you need to do for yourself. You will feel so much stronger for it. Best wishes!

September 16, 2005
12:28 pm
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kathygy
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Sounds like crazy making to me on the part of your boyfriend. It is a way of not looking at one's self and not taking personal responsibility for his part in the relationhsip. He sounds abusive and imature. It is very hard to communicate with a man who turns the tables. It can surely drive you crazy and cause you to doubt yourself. I've never found a relationship like this to work.

love,
kathy

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