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Playing the "No Contact" Game
July 22, 2005
10:05 pm
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Prefect
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I've been reading a lot of posts about no contact and I know it's the right thing. In the past two weeks, my best days have been when I didn't see her at all. But there have been a couple of days where she's been right there. I know she's trying to reestablish communication with me. She was in my cubicle talking to my partner three times yesterday. She's not even pretending to have a work-related reason for being there any more.

Here's the thing. I knew this was going to happen. It always does. You let them go, but they eventually come back. They can't help it. Yes, I'm codependent, but the women I try to rescue are also codependent. They can't stand "no contact" any more than I can, so it's become a game. I play my "no contact" game and eventually they come back. Usually it ends again soon after, but on better terms. I always need closure, and if a relationship doesn't end on good terms, I get pretty crazy (as if you can't tell).

So, she's trying to come back, and I know it. I keep my back to her and don't acknowledge her, knowing full well she'll do whatever it takes to fix this, because that's what we do. The thing is, this time my "rescuing" has cost me a good job that I really enjoy. I haven't been fired, but the written warning in my file will keep me from being promoted and it's permanent. I have to leave to make that go away. So am I a total idiot because I still want this to be fixed? Is it pathetic to want to at least be on good terms with her? On the other hand, am I way too manipulative if I continue to ignore her, because she might end up doing something drastic that will show our manager that her "complaint" didn't make sense?

How do I get out of this game? I feel best on the days when I have no contact with her, but I also know that having no contact with her will only make her desperate to initiate contact with me.

July 22, 2005
10:35 pm
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exoticflower
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Prefect, this sounds controling an d manipulative to me. No contact is about seperating fully when you can't do it a little bit, not a means to get your ex to be more cooperative...control is control, manipulation is manipulation, and honestly I think this is an excelent opertunity to worry less about these weak women you know are desperate to contact you and worry more about yourself and what you can do for YOU. Sorry to seem harsh, I just saw red flags all over this.

July 23, 2005
8:52 am
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SexySadie
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I don't think of NC as a game. But reading your post here makes me feel as though this is a game or as indicated in the post above a form of manipulation. NC is for YOU, for you to heal, to grieve to find out about you and what you want in life and whether or not that person fits in your life when you have found yourself again.

As my Therapist asked me "What is your ulterior motive in your actions here." What are you looking to have happen. If she is now indicating an interest, by treating like this if it were me in her position I would feel that you were going out of your way to hurt me.

Honey, she's there, she's opened the door and it's being slammed in her face. If you TRULY want her, open up the door, open up your arms to her and take her back.

If we are blessed with love, unless it causes you physical or emotional harm, then don't close the door, because another door may open for her and then you'll find yourself with the closed door to HER life.

Stop and think...what do you want to see happen here...and then act upon that emotion.

July 23, 2005
10:49 pm
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Prefect
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exoticflower, you have found my dilemma. My biggest problem (I think), or at least the thing I like least about myself is that I am very manipulative. Unfortunately, in the past I've been very good at it. This girl is equally manipulative.

In this situation, she used our HR to control me. It worked too well, because while I am stuck in this position, where she wants me, I'm now not allowed to have any personal conversations with her or I'll get fired. So, I'm told I have to ignore her. I know that doing that will make it even harder for her.

I know the best thing to do would be to tell her I understand why she went to HR and that I'm sorry for what I did to cause it. Then, if I make sure she knows I don't hate her, we'll part on good terms and we'll both be able to let go. I just don't know if I can do it.

SexieSadie, my ulterior motive isn't in what I'm doing. It's in what I'm not doing. By following my manager's instructions and not talking to her, I'm making her more desperate to talk to me. I don't want to hurt her, but she has the power to convince our manager that we should be able to talk to each other as friends. I don't. Keep in mind, this wasn't a romantic relationship (although I wish it was). We were two friends who work together.

I've read about something called interdependence. It's actually a healthy situation where two codependent people who know they're codependent live together by helping each other. Is that possible? Do you think I'm just hoping beyond hope that I can go back to the way it was?

July 24, 2005
10:52 am
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exoticflower
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Prefect, just something to concider here...who are you to decide what tems you should part on? Why must you make it your responsability to decide how things end and that she aprove of you and feel good about it? if she did things this way, that is her decision, here is your chance to be less manipulative. LET her make her own decisions about her feelings regarding you and hw she chooses to deal with them. Let it go. It's not up to you, it's HER decision to deal with it in this way. She has set a boundary, now respect it. I think in time you'll feel good that you did, you know?

As for interdependancy, if you are both maniputlative, it seems to me that you will likely end up just manipulating for pwer and to be the person in control, I can't see such being very productive...also, if you think her going to HR to cease personal contact at work is nothing more than a matter of controlling you, you don't seem to have a healthy sort of respect for this woman, no relationship with inequal levels of respect or low levels of respect ends up very healthy.

July 26, 2005
5:23 pm
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Prefect
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Exoticflower, I think you're right. I've been rationalizing this situation from every angle trying to find a way for things to be back the way they were. I know this girl is going through a very hard time right now and I don't think she has anyone to help her through it. I want to help her, so I try to convince myself that she really does want me around and she went to HR as a way to make sure I couldn't leave. Dumb, but I'm getting better. She hasn't been back in my cubicle since Thursday. I feel much better when I don't see her, but deep down I still want to be there for her.

I think the truth is that no contact is the best thing for me, no matter how I try to convince myself it isn't. It would be the best thing for her as well. Maybe she's figured that out already. Still, it's hard. I do love her and don't want it to be this way.

Anyway, thanks for your help. Sometimes when I'm upset I tend to overanalyze things. I need a kick to get my head straight.

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