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P&L needs support again
August 14, 2006
11:45 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, I told them at work that I must not be associated with the abusive guy...okay, I am at the top there and he is not. I have every right to get off a project with him. So, I finally had the courage to walk. I think that surprised them, and they weren't expecting it. So, they may be worried about it, since I have documented the entire case. The guys at the top never helped me or protected me. So, i had to take care of myself, even though it means suffering losses (and keeping my job)...which is better than constant suffering. So, I had to do it. But the call ended with the big administrator asking if he could call me this week to talk more. I suspect he has to talk to his people about what to do now.

I know no matter what I do..push to win or walk, will end up allowing myself to make me feel like shit. I am that far along in my development to control my own feelings, but I am not going to stay in a situation where someone else controls me to the point of causing me real harm. So, I am leaving, and going to shoot myself in the foot with other losses...better than staying in a threating situation. I will feel bad either way. I can not longer try to fix the unfixable. I spent too long trying. It is so sad when you realize that...when you are afraid to go and afraid to stay.

Any words of wisdom, please feel free to share.

p.s. I decided to back off on my out of town guy, and now he is chasing. So, predictable. I Have come to the conclusion that whenever we feel ourselves pushing, that feeling in our chests, like we want to control a situation, we want some outcome, best thing is to just back off!

Here is the best book ever on letting go: Change your Life and Change your MInd by Karen Casey. It is incredible. My sis in law can't put it down now. I begged her to buy it, but she wouldn't so I brought my copy over, and that clinched the deal. We had to rush out the next day and get her a copy!

August 14, 2006
11:50 pm
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(((P&L))) Im reading this now. Just got out of bed for something...

August 15, 2006
12:10 am
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Well, I may be repeating myself but what the heck! You know I feel youre right to get out of a deal that is hurting you. And you get to keep the job! Furthermore I dont think theyll put your desk in the hallway yet.

You dont need to threaten them by telling them things they already know. Like you have stuff documented, you can make them look good, get them money, provide them with students... I believe you came to a point professionally where you actually stand to lose by doing that. As long as they know it and know that you know it.

In my mind (which is easier), and I hope you could see this in yours, if youre at the top your next stop is out of there to a good position elsewhere. But you dont even have to worry about leaving. So there! I think you can start relaxing a little. While you keep yourself posted of course. And it doesnt hurt to check the journals for whats going on in the competition 🙂

About the predictable guy, it seems he likes that you dont see the relationship so seriously afterall. So far you guys have had some fun, right? As long as youre having fun...

Im going to get some zzzz I hope. Didnt have it so great the last 2 days.

Keep your faith! 🙂

August 15, 2006
12:12 am
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And apart from the letting go of the deal which seems a go, pls let me know if any of my late night (I mean early morning here) wisdom holds any water. Im ready to work on it! (P&L)

August 15, 2006
12:34 am
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sini

Thanks, but as much as I feel I have lost, I cannot stay involved with a sociopath who has not ethics and no remorse. I have to get away from him. I have to let go. I have no security if I stay.

August 15, 2006
12:48 am
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mamacinnamon
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P&L I'm so sorry it has come to this. You do what is best for you; what you need to do.

August 15, 2006
7:32 am
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ggfred4
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P&L,
I am sorry you are going through all this trauma; regardless, I do feel a strength from you with your words. Because of this, I know you are going to be okay. Just hang on during these rough times though. Take care of yourself, we care....

gg

August 15, 2006
7:51 am
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Jenni
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(((P&L))) You did what you had to do, and that is to be respected and admired!

August 15, 2006
6:57 pm
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thanks sini, mama, gg, jenni-

I meant to say I am NOT that far along in my development that I can control my own feelings... well, I feel pretty bad about it all and know I would feel bad either way...I was thinking back to when we had snow on the ground and I was dealing with this. I surely thought then it would be over by now. I cannot believe it. I realized today that no one has taken me seriously, but I told that to my male trusted colleague at work, and he said he feels the same way. It is a shame that we all feel so powerless. Of course, I started tracing it back to childhood events, until my friend/colleague reminded me that there is a morale problem right now. Too bad I got caught in the middle of such a terrible situation at a time like this. I wish I could do a better job standing up for myself, except I suppose it would have done no good. So, I am having a hard time letting this thing go....although I still recommend that book, because I would be doing much worse without it. It is the best self-help book I have read, and I have to keep rereading it. It is really tough thing to feel like we are not taken seriously or heard. I am only dealing with that at work. I wouldn't enjoy feeling that way at home...guess that is why I am not married. At least I know there is nobody there to listen.

August 16, 2006
11:39 pm
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ggfred4
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P&L,
I really don't know what to say except that you impress me with your strength. I know you are struggling through this difficult time, yet it seems that you stood up and dealt with it...I admire that in you. Since you are not married and need someone to listen, feel free to contact and talk everyday on this site. I do check it everyday and will read what you right. You may not feel like you have it all together, but it seems that you are stepping in the right direction...bravo!!!

August 17, 2006
12:05 am
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P&L, how are you feeling? Any bit more empowered? Hows the morale thing? Is it something with your institution or is it on a bigger scope? I wonder if you were headed to hit some unscrupulous persons, lower morale and less morals as more money and prestige is involved... The bright side is that I know of people who moved on professionally to better situations than they had thought existed just b/c a crisis made them! Keep your faith... and your morals!

August 17, 2006
12:23 am
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oops

they had *not even* thought existed

August 17, 2006
12:29 am
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Thanks, gfs-

The admin is scared now. haha. They contacted me. I realized a lot of stuff, but I cannot write it online. They won't let me outta this situation, but I just thought of the absolutely perfect politically savvy solution to get out once and for all, yet not hurt my reputation, keep them just enough afraid not to cross me, and make them happy so I can get on with my life.

I cannot disclose it online. I will run it by my atty...and then it is the big cya...kiss my ass. I know now more than ever, I want out...I am not staying in an abusive thing, and I am not staying in an unethical thing. I have my HP to report to. They are sick, sick, sick. What I plan, will get me out, and will show my strength. I won't engage in this anymore. NO MORE. THis is the happiest I have felt in so long, because I finally came up with a solution that makes sense for ME. I am going to take care of myself. This is the right thing to do. And, when the abusive guy can't get his work done, I will say too late, you are on your own, pal. It is a very good plan. Okay, let's pray it works! I am so done with this. You know when you finally know FOR SURE (no ifs, ands, or buts), it is time to walk? It is time, and he is SOL. He just shot himself in the foot. He loses more than I do. I have a feeling he was told to stay away from me, which is causing much of the problem finding a solution to working together. So, I am done, and I feel good about it.

August 17, 2006
12:29 am
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Thanks, gfs-

The admin is scared now. haha. They contacted me. I realized a lot of stuff, but I cannot write it online. They won't let me outta this situation, but I just thought of the absolutely perfect politically savvy solution to get out once and for all, yet not hurt my reputation, keep them just enough afraid not to cross me, and make them happy so I can get on with my life.

I cannot disclose it online. I will run it by my atty...and then it is the big cya...kiss my ass. I know now more than ever, I want out...I am not staying in an abusive thing, and I am not staying in an unethical thing. I have my HP to report to. They are sick, sick, sick. What I plan, will get me out, and will show my strength. I won't engage in this anymore. NO MORE. THis is the happiest I have felt in so long, because I finally came up with a solution that makes sense for ME. I am going to take care of myself. This is the right thing to do. And, when the abusive guy can't get his work done, I will say too late, you are on your own, pal. It is a very good plan. Okay, let's pray it works! I am so done with this. You know when you finally know FOR SURE (no ifs, ands, or buts), it is time to walk? It is time, and he is SOL. He just shot himself in the foot. He loses more than I do. I have a feeling he was told to stay away from me, which is causing much of the problem finding a solution to working together. So, I am done, and I feel good about it.

August 17, 2006
12:32 am
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Thanks, gfs-

The admin is scared now. haha. They contacted me. I realized a lot of stuff, but I cannot write it online. They won't let me outta this situation, but I just thought of the absolutely perfect politically savvy solution to get out once and for all, yet not hurt my reputation, keep them just enough afraid not to cross me, and make them happy so I can get on with my life.

I cannot disclose it online. I will run it by my atty...and then it is the big cya...kiss my ass. I know now more than ever, I want out...I am not staying in an abusive thing, and I am not staying in an unethical thing. I have my HP to report to. They are sick, sick, sick. What I plan, will get me out, and will show my strength. I won't engage in this anymore. NO MORE. THis is the happiest I have felt in so long, because I finally came up with a solution that makes sense for ME. I am going to take care of myself. This is the right thing to do. And, when the abusive guy can't get his work done, I will say too late, you are on your own, pal. It is a very good plan. Okay, let's pray it works! I am so done with this. You know when you finally know FOR SURE (no ifs, ands, or buts), it is time to walk? It is time, and he is SOL. He just shot himself in the foot. He loses more than I do. I have a feeling he was told to stay away from me, which is causing much of the problem finding a solution to working together. So, I am done, and I feel good about it.

And, yes, I am much stronger than I realized or they wouldn't be sending kiss-ass emails to me. Fear is the biggest leverage one has against a bully...and this one has a lot to worry about..

Regardless, it is time for me to surround myself around healthier, more peaceful, loving, people. This is not for me.

Love to all of you for all your support!!!!!!!!! Hugs, P&L

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