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Picking a new man
September 30, 2003
10:17 am
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unhappy camper
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September 30, 2010
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Well, I'm talking with some new fellows and I am not approaching it well, but I am doing it the way I need to do it for now.

First, if they are rich and spoiled, I tell them goodbye.

Next, I sort of dump my problem with my husband on them and tell them I must be sure I don't get screwed again that way.

It's not fair I guess.

Maybe after a while I'll be able to relate to someone for a while first, keeping a cautious eye out for any signs of control and abuse and addictions and irresponsiblity etc., and then later tell them what I went through.

Right now my wounds are so fresh I can't help but discuss them. Most guys are sympathetic but I wonder if they are turned off.

Also, I was thinking today that my boss' dad is an alcoholic. His mom tells me that she left her husband taking 3 little kids and moved away. He was told sober up or goodbye. He choose to be sober.

But the reason she was sucessful is that her husband is not mentally ill like my husband is.

He acts strange even when sober. His nervousness and anxiety and depression and anger and selfishness are all a big part of him. That doesn't go away.

September 30, 2003
11:25 am
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tracylyn
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September 24, 2010
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Hey UC~

Why the need to find a new man right now? You are just starting to delve into what you want and what makes you happy. You have so many emotions and scars that are on the very surface. I'm not sure how you could go into a new relationship while still so emotionally attached to your husband.

Give yourself time...let yourself grow...learn to be happy with yourself....no one else can fill that void until you fill it in yourself. You won't find a man to make you whole and you will keep searching relentlessly but it won't happen. Only you can make yourself whole. Once that happens, you are free to be choosey because you don't "need" that person but choose to be with that person because you enjoy them.

Why the urgency? Why the need? What are you looking for? Why not rest, spend your energy making YOU whole.

September 30, 2003
6:17 pm
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Anam Cara
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UC

I have in the same sort of way- like you been troubled about finding another relationship - I have had many chances - all of which I have rejected - goodness knows why.

As Tracylyn says what's the rush? Yet I too feel the rush all the time until yesterday --when I came back from a visit with my son David .

Suddenly I found out just why it is important not to rush forward until you give yourself time to heal.

As I approached my empty house / life - I just knew at that very moment what I must do - move out and move on - I have been on hold for my wife to return even though she has said she has no love for me - now has her own home.

Even this bare truth I managed to deny and waited for her call to have coffee - go out to have a meal together. And yes this did occur - which propped me to continue to pretend that we could have recovered some of our romance . I actually put this as a straight question to her . OH No she replied!

Move on - move out of this loveless existence - this was the small voice which I heard loud and clear!

Your own thoughts (as of today) cannot be trusted - they are flawed - are often covered in wide swings - you cannot rely on what you are thinking as important at this moment.

If I had got tangled into another relationship - then this little voice I heard speaking to me yesterday - must have been ignored - I intend to move a long distance from my existing environs.

What I am trying to get over to you is --- If you rush into another relationship too early - then when your hurt has healed over - you may well be lumbered with this new man - which you thought at the time - perfect for you. It is not fair to him particularly if he is a co-dependent

See yourself as an open wound which needs a bandage - further complications may well infect what is beginning to heal.

Say to yourself " MAKE ME THINK ME" someone out there is listening yea know!

Anam.

September 30, 2003
6:50 pm
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Btrfly
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September 29, 2010
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I also seem to be in a hurry to get a relationship. I want to be loved. To have someone there to come home too, a hug at the end of a day. I also think probably time alone to heal and know myself would be wise. But is is wrong to want to have a partner in life?

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