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physical abuse
August 15, 2001
9:10 am
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Kattie
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My husband have been together on/off for 14yrs. we have two childrens together. He physcially abused me 10 yrs ago. I left him however stayed incontact. 6yrs ago he became and remains sober. we married 4yrs ago. 2wks ago he became physcially abusive again, this time sober. my gut and head tell me to leave my heart says to stay and work on this. I would greatly appreciate any advise.

August 15, 2001
9:23 am
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sue2001
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Kattie I am in a situation where I put up with verbal abuse and neglect form my husband I reckon could be emotional abuse which I don't really know the true definition to but one thing I do know that I would not put up with is being hit... I don't know maybe there is a line that we all draw no matter where we are in a mental state, I will not be hit. I am sure my husband knows this for fact because after everything else he has done to me he has never hit me. Of all the crap that has gone on in my life the one thing that my father taught me was that...DON'T GET HIT. I dated a guy once, we were out on a date and he wanted to have sex. I told him no and he hit me... I walked home and I have never seen him since. In a way my line of thinking is sad because I will put up with so much else but not that.. not that being hit is something better to put up with. But I don't think that it is in your best interest or the kids to stay with him. Is leaving something that you can do? would counseling help you or him... ? I don't know I am seeking help my self..... so let me know...

August 15, 2001
11:14 am
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Kattie
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I have been seeing a marriage counseler for 7 months now. She never tells me what to do, however I can tell that she doesn't think I should stay any longer. I guess I'm afraid of being alone. But I know that's better that being abused.

August 15, 2001
12:53 pm
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Molly
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Fear, is often referred to as the opposite of love, something to think about.

has hubby gone back into therapy with you? Can you connect the trigger that caused his relapse?
never a good idea to hang around with a violent person, where you and the kids are in danger, just not worth the risk. Unfortunately this is the norm for domestic violence. You might check out Dr. Irenes site, good info on abuse, and focused on breaking these cycles. Its also sad, that this just like all else in life, when your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, you'll take the steps that you need to, to be different.
Its hard, because it takes energy to make change, and in this situation, your emotions, are draining you, and could be dancing around depression.
Right now, if not in the mind set to jump ship, then I would suggest that you focus on getting strong, as an individual, it take two to battle, and if your dis engaged, not falling into the traps of the set up for war, its easier to avoid. Make sure that you eat right, get lots of exercise, keep up with the counseling, write a journal each morning of your feelings, set some goals, and save your money, for the emergency fund.

August 15, 2001
1:20 pm
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Ladeska
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Just my gut opinion here, fresh off the top of my pointed little head - but, I think he's had an inordinate amount of time here to - "figure it out". And you have to ask yourself how much time are you willing to invest here in fearing - when the next time will be? And that's the way you will live your life. Anyone would in your position. I don't care if someone promised you the moon and no, baby, I will never, ever, ever do this again....fact is - he just did. I don't know where your personal boundaries are, but mine, after much pain in my own life - now states to intruders...."You might get one chance, but you will never get two." That warning is for major offenses and I have had to define - what they are. Physical abuse is major to me. Actually, the first time - someone had better get out of my range because I will blast them where they stand and the door will slam permanently.

After awhile - you have to draw a conclusion based on the facts as they are - not as you wish them to be. My thought is - he may be testing you. Physical abuse is also a way of establishing dominance. And he's done that with you because now - you fear. Believe me when I say - he knows that and it gives him some kind of power. Regardless of whether "he" does the counseling or not, the fear of it happening again - is going to be there with you. Damage done. He's had quite some time to have gotten help and figure all this out. Actions speak, words mean crap. He made a choice when he went off on you and now you have to make a choice that isn't about being codependent with him. This is "your" life. You are not an appendage of his life. You are a separate entity and you have the right to your boundaries even if it means - some things are over. Funny, how we accept the burden of that final blow when in all reality - they brought down the axe by "their" actions against us. They are responsible for that....not you.

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