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Philmore....
December 31, 2005
8:28 pm
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free2choose
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I have realized that I never ever feel certainty about anything. I wish with all my might that I did, I believe that would be my salvation.

E

ps..Miss talking to ya

December 31, 2005
8:31 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Let's talk about it, if you want?

December 31, 2005
9:25 pm
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free2choose
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I just thought that it was ironic that you answered my word "doubt" with the word certainty. I am in a big evaluation process, so to speak. An evaluation of myself, my feelings, my beliefs, my reasons for doing, acting, reacting... Sort of like the reasoning behind my motivator..fear. The reason is doubt. Doubt in myself, in other people, in life, in purpose, in "God". I am like the biblical Thomas...I am forever in doubt, unless I can see it, feel it, touch it smell it. And even then I doubt. It is the core of my being. Insecurity. Trust and faith are like vauge consepts, an ideal, yet not quite a reality. It is a wasteland of being, like living in quicksand, always unsure of my own footing, even when it feels secure, I know it always has the capacity to shift...to change...nothing is certain. Not my insides, my outsides, my beliefs, my thoughts...

I do not know how to deal with this...not this reality, this knowledge, myself...I am left feeling just alone, unconnected, detatched, depressed. I do not know how to believe in myself, in others, in God... I want this so bad, but I am convinced I will never have it, because it is unatainable... Security is a lie, and one I can not indulge in because it only leads to pain and suffering.

What do I do??? You ever feel this way?? What do you do???

E

December 31, 2005
9:54 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Yes. I do feel that way at times. Faith takes one hell of a fight, for me. Sometimes I lose and it hurts. I think we all do.

I am a huge proponent of the power of perspective. It does wonders for me.

Think about how certain you are of your doubts. You have certainty, it's just aimed a little off.

You have faith, too. You have faith in gravity and you have faith in your next breath being available to you. Or at least, I do.

I think you can build certainty, like a muscle. I also think you can put your foot down. That's what I do from time to time. Just decide to quit endulging in fear. Fear is a choice, my friend. So is Love.

I don't mean to be pep-talking at you. Sometimes a little inspiration helps me out. It only takes a little shift to start something big - and permanent.

The right info & experiences can certainly change old perspectives for good. You know this - it's part of growing up. It doesn't have to be pain-focused, unless you insist that it does.

The info is out there, the experiences are available to anyone. Sometimes you just have to pretend that you give a shit and go after something better.

You know we all Love you here - to the best of our abilities. This website is somewhay of a miracle E - and you are part of that. Look with appreciation whenever you can. Insist on gratitude if you must, it's more than worth it.

((((Erica))))

December 31, 2005
10:09 pm
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"Think about how certain you are of your doubts. You have certainty, it's just aimed a little off"......

Wow, how right you are...

And you are also right about gratitude...When I feel like this, I am so far away from gratitude and appreciation. I am just stuck in my head, with my thoughts, my fears, my doubts. I forget to poke my damn head out of my shell and look around me and see that not all is sooo bad!!I do have a huge lot to be gratefull for.

I just still have that hole, Phill...that huge f%@#ing black hole. It has filled some, it has...but still it remains. Does that ever go away, Phill??? That yearning for something else, something you know you should have but you don't, and no matter how hard you look, you can't find it... I get tired of this endless searching.

I have been tought through A.A. that what is missing is my spirituality... I believe this, I guess in a way. I mean, what is missing is the connection, you know?

But with these doubts... I am to insecure to believe in anything that it is possible to connect with/to... Does that make sence???

Ughh..I don't know Phill...

"I think you can build certainty, like a muscle. I also think you can put your foot down. That's what I do from time to time. Just decide to quit endulging in fear. Fear is a choice, my friend. So is Love."

I like this... Just make a decision... It is just so hard because i doubt even my ability to make a good decision sometimes, or to just make any decision at all...

I feel like I am whinning...I do not mean to whine..I think I am just depressed tonight, so it is all coming out really negative...

Thanks for listening and replying Phill, I really respect your insight and opinion.

(((Phill)))

December 31, 2005
10:25 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Thanks E - I've put some time in thinking about this stuff, for sure. Realize that what might look like insight, is really just practice. I'm relating to you ideas that have worked for me.

I don't think you are whining E. Frustration with major life issues is perfectly natural in my opinion.

I think God is available to everyone. I just speak up as necessary. My Grandma told me to speak to God as if if he/she were just another person, so that's what I do. Seems that many of the answers I am seeking in that regard have been there all along - I just didn't know it.

Remember that the black holes are a necessary creative force in the Universe. You can't have a galaxy without a black hole. You can't have good without the bad.

I believe that the people who have seen the most pain also have the potential for the most joy and appreciation. That has been my experience. There are 2 sides to every coin.

When you focus on fear and doubt, it's hard to give the joy that you would like to receive. It takes work, but you can choose to give Love instead of giving in to fear.

You know all of this . . .

December 31, 2005
11:19 pm
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A poem by me....

My Masters Fear and Shame

To long have I been enslaved,

Held captive by my Masters

Fear and Shame.

Together they have ruled;

Dominating my thoughts,

Coloring my beliefs.

Filling me with every form of

Horror and Doubt

until I choke on

The bitter taste of anxiety,

Coughing and spewing in

Terror and Disgrace.

I have bowed down to Fear,

Frozen at the footsteps of

A mericiless God.

I have been stifled by Shame,

A tarnished servant of the

Goddess of Dishonor.

With a weary body and a broken soul

I have withstood the weight

of debilitating oppression.

How I long to bee free!

Emancipated from torment!

Delivered from pain!

To long have I been enslaved,

Held captive by my Masters

Fear and Shame.

December 31, 2005
11:34 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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It's beautiful, E.

I think that Love is the real master. Fear and Shame are a reaction to a lack of Love. Anger, too.

I have my other kick I get on about living in the moment. I wrote a poem of my own about it.

Forever is happening every day,

never a time that's not right now.

The past and future slip away,

I have what my next breath allows.

A simple instant thus persists,

this hallowed hush, miraculous.

The Universe is as much abyss

as the infinite mind is vacuous.

In this moment we're all me,

there's reason for every reason.

All things, with every right to be,

arise and fall in their season.

December 31, 2005
11:41 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Another thing that helped me was thinking about the "payoff" I was getting for living in the fear.

It's a lot of work to face up to fear and shame. It's easier to justify the feelings than it is to work through them. There's also an aspect of romance to suffering. As an Artist, I thought it was helpful at one point.

January 1, 2006
12:02 am
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Phill...

I loved it, it's beautifull!! Can I print it and read it every now and then??

Phill, I like you. I'm glad that I have met a guy with feelings beside anger and that is not power driven to dominate me. I'm really not at all used to it, and it's nice.

Your comment about romance in suffering and being an artist...I really had to smile! I've always said I write my best when I am lost and alone. I do romance anguish! LOL!!!

I have a few poems about happiness and peace and God...most however, are about suffering and aloneness. Gives me something to think about when you say "what is the Payoff." I'm not even sure that it is a consious thing, in fact, I know it is not, but when I stop and think about it...

Thank you for reminding me about "being in the moment". This is something I consistently forget. I spend my time being "in my head.! LOL. My sponsor always says, "Erica, that is not being in the moment." That reality check always helps.

Thanks Phill, I really appreciate you.

Erica

January 1, 2006
12:20 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I appreciate you too, Erica. You are most welcome to the poem - it just sits on my computer most days!

I hope you know that it's a huge honor for me to be of service to you. If I can somehow be an alternative experience for you, then my purpose is being well served.

I would much rather see you powerful and healthy, than dominated by anyone or anything - including me.

Our communication is good for both of us. I have to focus on being on purpose everytime we discuss this stuff. The more practice, the better.

For what it's worth, my door is always open for you, Erica. 🙂

January 1, 2006
12:33 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I have a ton of sad one's, too.

------------------------------

Walking the border of mine and madness,

where one hollow heart holds infinite sadness.

Love to fly out of these blasted lands,

love to take wing but God gave me hands.

Learning to learn while horizons recede.

Abandoned by reason, I'm shackled by need.

Just have to crawl to the edge of the earth,

to cry myself blind in mourning of mirth.

My thoughts are broken and my soul is worn,

nothing to quench me save prayer and porn.

No way to catch me when I finally fall,

none will remember how I Love you all.

January 1, 2006
2:23 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Happy New Year, E!

((((free2choose)))))

January 1, 2006
3:02 am
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free2choose
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"nothing to quench me save prayer and porn"

HEHEHEHEHE!!!!LMFAO, garsh Phillie! Just had to laugh because of our other discussion on the thread I will not name, save someone revisiting it! LOL.

Phill that was great. Maybe I will start a poem thread. First I'll have to go home and get my portfolio...that won't be till Wendsday and then I won't be back till the next Monday, so maybe in a week I'll start it. What a great idea.

I'm feeling a little better, my gf called to tell me happy new year, so did my mom and one of my friends, so I know they are thinking of me, that is always nice.

Well Happy Friggin New Year to you too, Phill, I wish you lots of joya dn love!!

Hugs,
Erica

January 1, 2006
3:06 am
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Philmore Bowles
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((((Erica))))

January 1, 2006
3:29 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Now that is some powerful irony!

Porn leads us both to some deeper understanding of life. Even I wouldn't have suspected that!

You gotta talk to God Erica - she's got the best sense of humor!

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