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Phantom Menace
May 2, 2000
1:42 pm
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Frieda
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Isn't that what I'm doing? Getting to know my turmoil? Trying to integrate it into my "real life?" I give up. There is no cure. I hope there's hope.

May 2, 2000
2:55 pm
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hazza
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There is always Hope, hope that you will grow and learn and appreciate every moment of joy and humour.
Those things are there if we choose to see them as clearly as we see the bad things.
Hope is always there, let it grow in you, you won't be disappointed.
Peace
Haz

May 3, 2000
8:57 am
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Spirit
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Freida: Hazza is so right. Hope is everywhere, it lives inside each of us. Some of us just work very hard to cover it up with darkness and dispare.

Please try on some of the materials mentioned to you, to help guide you into the light where hope flourishes. This world is beginning another transition, of the likes it hasn't seen in thousands of years. Hope and faith will be reborn. I can only pray that all who have covered up hope will begin to come into the light and feel the warmth. Dropping fear along the way. Sometimes the greatest fear we can have is the fear of finding ourselves.

As children of Spirit, we are all filled with goodness and beauty. Do not be afraid of what you will find.

I have used some of the meditations Heartfelt mentioned. It takes a while for them to settle in, because of the natural-born defenses we build upon as an ego protection. But, trust me on this, when the peace begins to flow throughout the body, touching the very spirit of you, and you see how beautiful you are, it just gets easier.

Above all else, never give up on yourself or hope. You are filled with many blessings to bestow upon this world, starting with YOU yourself. May you find the peace you seek through understanding.

May 7, 2000
12:03 am
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Frieda
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OK, I took my test, and here is what I scored highest in:

depression(surprise)
dysthimia
masochism(!)
dependant personality
borderline Borderline

So I guess maybe there is a fire. I know enough not to feel labeled or cornered by a fill in the dot test, but I'm actually relieved to see something objective that says "You are in pain" We quadraplegics need that kind of validation. Now my counselor thinks we need to spend time stabilizing before we delve any more. I just want to get on with it. Hazza---I printed out your comments on counseling to give to her. Maybe I can move on to some practical steps, like y'all have suggested.

May 9, 2000
9:10 am
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Spirit
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Frieda: There was no doubt that you are in pain. The big question is, what are you going to do with it? The path you choose to take can only be correct for you. If suggestions help, all the better, but you need to really ask the answer from the One who Knows. There you will begin to feel the knowing that is for you and only you. May your quest for inner peace be a learning experience you will share with the world as you gain insights into who you truly are. Not a label or a condition, but a living, breathing spiritual being having a human experience, which many others will learn from. Bless you on your quest for answers and insights. May you peace come from understanding YOU.

May 13, 2000
8:45 pm
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Frieda
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I'm glad you didn't doubt my pain. Why didn't you just tell me, then I wouldn't have had to take the test. The One Who Knows seems to want to deal with some pain in the past that went by without hurting.

I thought that was a good thing, but evidently these emotion things are tricky, and eventually you HAVE to feel them. I know I've spent lots of energy trying not to, and I dread hurting. I've read the thread from heartfelt and Tez and others about inner child stuff, does anyone have any personal experience in this 'healing of the memories' stuff? First hand testimonials? How do I go back? How do I remember stuff I've stuffed so far down? Once I've felt it, dealt with it, does it go away? Does it at least stop hurting? I want guarantees!!!!!!!! Doesn't really work that way does it. Hazza, counseling skeptic that you are, have you any insight here? Think it's malarkey?
Thank you all for your insight and help. My hope is always boosted here:)

May 13, 2000
9:43 pm
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Spirit
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Frieda: No, it doesn't work that way. Life is a risk. One thing I am learning is if I KNOW I am suppose to take a risk, all will work out in the end, and I will have grown from it.

When we are faced with going backwards to examine pieces of our pasts, it is a sign that a lesson was not learned at the time the event was occurring. Most likely because we did not possess the tools necessary, or have the support system in place.

When I was in my very late teens, I had the occassion to revisit my past, because it was time. My childhood was far from perfect; physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse was the norm for me. Those I trusted to care for me, simply put, didn't. (My GA's were hard at work keeping me out of the deepend.) Anyway, I was newly married and expecting my first child. A time when all should be happy, but wasn't. My father, who I hadn't seen since I was seven (a huge blessing for me) had died from complications of a self inflicted gunshot wound. One night I was awakened, yet not awake, and went downstairs. There, sitting on the couch was the image of my father, his head all bandaged up. He motioned to me to sit beside him. I did so. For the next two hours we communicated about the past. He shed tears over what he had done and what it had cost him. He also lead me to a place I had blocked up with as many bricks as I could. That place was the abuse done to me, as a child, by my mother. Very hard to accept. But true none the less. I knew she did not protect me from those inflicting harm, but I had always excused it. I never realized that she too had inflicted her own abuse. Once I came to terms with this, a whole new world openned up for me. At last I understood the real source of anger and feelings of betrayal I felt guilty for having towards her. In one night, I had forgiven my father and began the process of forgiving my mother. Being able to come to terms with the past is indeed important. Being able to forgive is essential. Loving them for the spirits that they are is most important, because in a way I too am a part of them, and I choose to take the very best they had to offer, and leave the rest alone.

I hope this will bring a cetain amount of peace to you. Understanding that you have a sacred journey awaiting you should fill you with joy that soon you will have answers, thereby bringing peace to you. Do not let ego talk you out of this. Fear has no place where love needs to shine. Peace to you Frieda as you grow to understand the past and all the lessons it holds for you. Good things.

May 14, 2000
2:28 am
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heartfelt
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Hi Frieda....the taboo against knowing who we are is and has been driven into the human spirt seemingly forever through conditioning of one sort or another. By the way Alan Watts wrote "Taboo".....Testimonials? It's like saying pass it on..I don't recall my young chidhood up to about 12 or 13 years old, but I do remember a sequence of events that allows me to be here today. At 12, three other boys and I were camping out in a field by my home. During the night I was sexually molested by them. One in particular who was big and able to hold me down as the abuse took place.shame. Never told anyone....My Mother , an emotionally abuse, could never be good enough for anything kind of mom has'ntchanged much in her 80 years. Military school, I was sent away at thirteen to attend A school full of degrading abusive, emotionally, sexually and physically authority figures. Vietnam.....emotion, deeply embedded scars within.....fear.....uncertainty.....guilt....alienation...drug abuse..alcoholism.....rage .intrusive thoughts and dreams and a host of other human emotions that I won't waste the space. None that many people have'nt felt at one time or another. Yes emotions are tricky, elusive, impulsive, buried etc......the need to do whatever it takes to get to the heart of the matter is crucial in facing ourselves. In my journey of becoming I've found it to be a path of process, meaning just a little at a time. By addressing within we begin to validate who we are, not someone else's perception.The magical child within is another book with some guidence in the need to be who you are. We have to start somewhere...me by putting one foot in front of the other, stopping to rest when needed, feeling the fear, but continuing. The real fear for me is not continuing, I won't go backwards intentioally, although sometimes it happens briefly......I'll tell you why Frieda. There is nothing else like finding yourself, embracing, yourself and realizing and feeling within your heart that you know your coming home.....your on your way kiddo, just be willing to work for what you seek and start.

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