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personality disorder
January 18, 2007
4:45 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Does anyone here have a loved who has a personality disorder? my husband had paranoid personailty disorder. How do you cope or do you?

January 18, 2007
10:20 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I've been there.

Advice:

1) Don't use the phrase "personality disorder" lightly.

2) Own your own problems and your own work--then do your own work.

Ummm, which personality disorder are you talking about here?

January 18, 2007
11:58 pm
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loverbee
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My mother is paranoid schitzophrenic so I know what you are going through. the best thing to do is to dimiss the paranoia and don't let it affect you. I would also recommend recommending therapy to them because it can help. The psychiatrist can prescribe an antianxiety med that could help.

January 19, 2007
1:05 am
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Hi TT,

When was your husband diagnosed, and by whom? Can you contact the person who diagnosed him and ask about reading material and support resources?

I informally diagnosed my exex as having a paranoid personality type, after much reading and finding something that seemed to describe his behaviour well (and based on what I knew of his background).

What coping strategies have you been using up to now, and what has or hasn't worked?

It's a tough row to hoe, and since you are married... I hope you can find good support and information to help you.

January 19, 2007
5:39 pm
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the therapist he ahs been seeing has been calling him depressed and suffering from post stress. This paranoid personality diagnosis is a new one but it seems to fit him like a glove. He thinks his boss, Mormons and various other people are spying on him. But his stories are fairly rational. and made sense until I started scratching the surface.

coping strategies????? so far all I do is to not allow his problems to stop me from doing what is right. He feels very attacked when I go to church but I continue to go. He hates the fact that I pay tithing but I still do.

I wish I had some more strategies. I get very impatient with him sometimes. Twice the police have shown up because he has sent threatening emails.

He is normal most of the time. It's just that a couple of times a year he starts up or if I do something out of the ordinary like deciding to play the piano for a church party on Saturday or something.

January 19, 2007
5:42 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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WD,
personality are not something to take lighttly. You are right about that. i am just glad that there has been a diagnosis that make ssense to me. For quite a few years I've been thinking that I was the crazy one since I couldn't believe all the things he was telling me or support him in some of his behavior.

January 20, 2007
4:43 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Soemtimes C. is so normal and we have a good time and sort out problems. other timeshe is on the internet or doing things to get his ememies before they get him. I stay out of it but when the police show up I have to talk to them. Fortunately it's been 4 years since that happened. Maybe C learned his lesson.
I need to remember that I can only change so much and still be myself and C may always be the this way.

then I ask myself. well if it were cancer would I leave him? No of course not. Well C. is ill it's just his personality not his body. so I stay. and we aget along until I have change in church schedule or his anxieties run high.

January 20, 2007
4:54 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Well, if a psychiatrist has made a formal diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder then I think you are looking at a long, long haul here.

Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs?

January 21, 2007
4:56 pm
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NO he doesn't He came home drunk one night and I told him no uncertain terms that if ever even used alcohol again I would leave. He hasn't touched a drop since and that was 5 years ago. (Neither one of us drink)
He doesn't abuse drugs either, thank goodness.

Yes a personality disorder is a long haul. I doubt that he will change even with counselling (i am so thankful he is willing to go) but as long as things stay the way they are I'd rather be with him than leave.

January 21, 2007
5:48 pm
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sooo... to get back to your original question, "How do you cope or do you?
"

Have you had any further thoughts? Have your coping methods changed over the years? Since you don't expect him to change, how would you like yourself or the situation to change?

I hope you can find a support group, either in person or online, of people who are faced with a similar thing.

take care, kroika

January 21, 2007
6:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Tiger Trainer,

So your husband has a personality disorder? I don't know much about them, but it's obviously causing you distress.

I wonder if the same approach might work for this that worked for his getting drunk: telling him in no uncertain terms that unless he gets help for his disorder, you will leave him. It is his problem and only he can tend to it properly. All you can do is encourage him to do so. Good luck.

Seeker

January 22, 2007
5:08 pm
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HI seekerw
glad to hear from you.
Well he is getting help. He seese a therapist but it is all uphill work. As lonng as he is seeing his therapist and our marriage counsellor I stay and he knows it. It sjust very discouraging because even though he wants to change it goes very slowly.

As I said he has adapted to some things like I will go to church and I will pay tithing etc. when our church schedule change from 9 to 1. it was tough but he is adapting to it slowly.
Meanwhile I just bump along on my life. Usually it is pretty smooth except for when his paranoia flares up (about twice a year)

January 22, 2007
8:50 pm
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Well...look at it this way...at least he's been diagnosed and at least he is getting help. I imagine their are a good few people out there who are in relationships with personality disordered people and don't even realise it.

Perhaps, you might consider speaking to a therapist yourself about how you might be able to cope with this? Are their any support services of spouse's where you are? Perhaps its a good idea to find out what services are available for you in this case? Surely you need some support too.

Rev.

January 22, 2007
9:24 pm
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Thanks rev I don't know if there are. I just found out about CoDa meeting i am going to start going to.
I went to a therapist for quite a while now I just go every 6 months for a "tune up." I also go to a group therapy on anger management. Helps me to deal with C. when is paranoia gets high. I can stand firm but not get angry. Well maybe someday.

January 23, 2007
3:34 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

Good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well.

What do you do when his paranoia flares up, and for how long do these flare-ups last? Pardon me if you've already said this, but I may have missed it.

Seeker

January 23, 2007
5:53 pm
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Always glad to spout off to a listiening ear. my husband was excommunicated 4 years ago for stalking the bishop and identitty theft. Since then any change in my church routine causes a flare up. I was assked to play at the ward christmas party and he thought it was all a plot to secreetly get him back to church. Things like that. He installed a fake security camera and told me that the FBI installe dto keep the missionaries away. (he thinks that missionaries are keep watch on our house)

Most of time we just muddle along and seem almost normal.

It was long hard decision to stay with him but I decided that it was somehting I could adapt to for now.

Most of the time we have good times together even romantic times. just not any spiritual times.

January 23, 2007
11:52 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

I think I'm getting the picture now. Since he's been excommunicated, he's lost the gift of the Holy Ghost and now maybe Satan's tempting him to feel paranoid about the church, or perhaps he's discouraging your husband from any thoughts he might have about returning to the church.

I know a little about spiritual darkness. I've fought against the Mormon church before, and I know that that's no picnic, and I know a little about Satan's capabilities. I wouldn't want to go there again.

It's encouraging that you have mostly good times together.

If you want to talk more, I'm here to listen.

Seeker

January 24, 2007
5:43 pm
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thanks seeker,
It is so good to have someone to spout off too. I know he can no longer feel the spirit which puts a burden on me because I feel like now I have to be spiritual head of the house. ON the other hand, except for going to church and paying tithing he still keeps his covenants. he sticks to the Word of wisdom and is always willing to pray with me when I ask (don't ask me how sincere it that is too hard to judge)

I still feel like I have to sneak off to the temple when he is at work and then not tell him I went. I wiosh I could just say I am going. and go.

I have done a lot of praying about him of course I right now I sticking with the idea that yes he is responsible for his actions but that doesn't mean I cant' take enjoy the good parts of my marriage.

January 26, 2007
6:36 pm
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I am soo tired of him numbering up the wrongs done to him and vowing that they will never be forgotten. I told him never to speak to me about them again. I suggested he go on line or tell a friend.

I wonder if he will. Or if he will continue to assume that I will listen to him and support him.

January 27, 2007
8:52 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

Good to hear from you again. I started to reply to you yesterday, but something interrupted and I never completed my post.

Sounds like you are indeed facing some challenges with your husband. I think it's good that you refuse to entertain his list of others' wrongs. I'll bet it drives him crazy that you don't listen to those, but it's a good thing (for both you and him) that you don't encourage that sort of behavior.

I get the impression he doesn't pray on his own that you know of. True?

You know, I recently discovered a forum for Mormons with the web address LDStalk.com. It's refreshing to be able to talk with other members, and you might just find others there who are in your shoes. I invite you to try it out. I'm there under the same name (Seeker).

Well, I hope you're doing well. Take care.

Seeker

January 27, 2007
9:30 pm
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triciaisok
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Wow spiritual discouragement is a tough one. The psalms are a good one to run to and run to God's loving arms. Sometimes we try to have others fill where only God can fill. It is a co-dependent trait and a human one also. We all struggle but God is with you as you cry out to him in spirit and truth!

January 28, 2007
9:00 am
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Seekerw,

thanks for the website. No he only prays when I remind him gently as wife should. sometimes we read the Bible.
I appreciate your encouragement about the not listening. The thing happened five years ago. We get along well as long as the "subject" doesn't come up and I don't change my church routine.

January 28, 2007
9:02 am
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triciaisok
I love the Psalms too. I am going to look that one up and study it carefully. I really appreciate those of yoou who are brave enough to bring up scriptures and the power of God into these posts. Withough HIM I would never have gotten through the last few years.

January 29, 2007
6:14 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

I'm glad that you and hubby get along well in general. Sounds like you've got a pretty good relationship overall, from what I can tell. Take care.

Seeker

January 30, 2007
5:32 pm
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We get along fine until I do something at church he doesn't approve of like playing the piano and the Ward christmas party or something. Orr when his paranoia breaks out and he thinks the missionaries are casing our house or putting a tap on our phone.
anyway I chose to stay with him. Sometimes he is pretty good. Like right now I am deeply depressed. like hide in the corner and have hysterics depressed. He is very supportive

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