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People who never keep their words
July 8, 2007
1:45 am
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fantas
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Well, I have a friend who is the type that says he will do something and then he either can't make it or he just doesn't do it at all. I have gotten pissed of at him and threatened to just cut him off, I have tried to just have a plan b and not take him so seriously but I am wondering how others deal with this. I would call him a definite workaholic, and has no time perception whatsover. Should I just consider him rude and inconsiderate, not bother talking to him about it and just write anything he says off? Thank you for reading and responding to this.

July 8, 2007
2:01 am
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marypoppins
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Fantas,
That is unfortunate. From what I've gathered about you on this board, you're a caring person who deserves better treatment than what he's giving you. It seems you've given him opportunities to be a true friend and voiced your disappointment when he doesn't follow through. If he's a workaholic, he may have issues getting in the way of friendships and/or simply lack social skills. In any case, if your interactions with him don't feel good, steer clear. Redefine your friendship with him. As you told me, maybe this friend has already served his purpose in your life. Take care.
Poppins

July 8, 2007
8:34 am
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Matteo
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I think your friend has much deeper issues than being a workaholic. I have a friend who might be one - I am not sure what is the definition - his work is his rescue from his trubled marriage, he likes what he is doing and spends a lot of time really working or "working". Anyhow, this guy always keeps his word, does what he says and calls ahead in those rare instances when he cannot keep his word; no surprises there.

I think it is a matter of personal integrity and mental well-being. Everyone operates differently, but personally, after a while I don't treat people like this seriously. I can tolerate them as acquaintances but there is no way that they can last as my close personal friends, simply because I have no time or patience for unreliable and untrustworthy people. The "best" are those who say something and then totally "forget" and deny that they ever said it (no it wasn't them, it's your imagination playing tricks on you) Perhaps this is why I have just a few very close friends.

July 8, 2007
11:40 am
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Rasputin
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(((Fantas)))

You are a good person ever since I met you here and thus as good people...we should choose our friends carefully.

I used to take myself for granted b4, being a child who was not nurtured. I made friendships with all sorts of people and got myself in so much troubles. Due to our different values, I had to sever many friends in my life, simply bc "Birds of a feather flock together" as the adage goes.

Take this example: The janitor in my building, I've been doing so many voluntary services, tasks, meetings, Xmas party preparation, cooking, gardening. When she has health issues, I would call the office or if I happen to go there to pay my rent or buy a token for laundry, I would really be friendly, caring and warm. When it comes to her, she does NOT treat me in the same kindness I treat her. She is cold, unfriendly, selfish, only a taker. Many times I asked her for simple favours which she never responded, ignored or even called back. I know she treats others differently and is quite nice with them.

I continued in my niceness with here - Being more codep and too sweet thinking that I was being a good spiritual person. Only recently, I started to question whether I am being wise in this sweetness or not and I started to hold back, stopped volunteering to her or attending annual meetings and that made her mad at me.

Always when we're in a relationship, we should ask yourself: "Am I being treated by others in the same way I treat them?"

Make an invetory of you qualities and values and write them down:

Example:

I value friendship & friends.

A friend should be treated as a prince.

A friend should not be ignored, should have his fon returned, should keep his promises.

I do all these things or my friends, so I should not expect less than that from someone who wants to be my friends.

If this inventory fits your friend, then you may call them friends. If not, I would recommend you to sever this friendship.

My best to you sweetie and antoher (((hug)))!!!

July 8, 2007
11:40 am
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Rasputin
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(((Fantas)))

You are a good person ever since I met you here and thus as good people...we should choose our friends carefully.

I used to take myself for granted b4, being a child who was not nurtured. I made friendships with all sorts of people and got myself in so much troubles. Due to our different values, I had to sever many friends in my life, simply bc "Birds of a feather flock together" as the adage goes.

Take this example: The janitor in my building, I've been doing so many voluntary services, tasks, meetings, Xmas party preparation, cooking, gardening. When she has health issues, I would call the office or if I happen to go there to pay my rent or buy a token for laundry, I would really be friendly, caring and warm. When it comes to her, she does NOT treat me in the same kindness I treat her. She is cold, unfriendly, selfish, only a taker. Many times I asked her for simple favours which she never responded, ignored or even called back. I know she treats others differently and is quite nice with them.

I continued in my niceness with here - Being more codep and too sweet thinking that I was being a good spiritual person. Only recently, I started to question whether I am being wise in this sweetness or not and I started to hold back, stopped volunteering to her or attending annual meetings and that made her mad at me.

Always when we're in a relationship, we should ask yourself: "Am I being treated by others in the same way I treat them?"

Make an invetory of you qualities and values and write them down:

Example:

I value friendship & friends.

A friend should be treated as a prince.

A friend should not be ignored, should have his fon returned, should keep his promises.

I do all these things or my friends, so I should not expect less than that from someone who wants to be my friends.

If this inventory fits your friend, then you may call them friends. If not, I would recommend you to sever this friendship.

My best to you sweetie and antoher (((hug)))!!!

July 8, 2007
11:40 am
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Rasputin
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(((Fantas)))

You are a good person ever since I met you here and thus as good people...we should choose our friends carefully.

I used to take myself for granted b4, being a child who was not nurtured. I made friendships with all sorts of people and got myself in so much troubles. Due to our different values, I had to sever many friends in my life, simply bc "Birds of a feather flock together" as the adage goes.

Take this example: The janitor in my building, I've been doing so many voluntary services, tasks, meetings, Xmas party preparation, cooking, gardening. When she has health issues, I would call the office or if I happen to go there to pay my rent or buy a token for laundry, I would really be friendly, caring and warm. When it comes to her, she does NOT treat me in the same kindness I treat her. She is cold, unfriendly, selfish, only a taker. Many times I asked her for simple favours which she never responded or called back. I know she treats others differently and is quite nice with them.

I continued in my niceness with here - Being more codep and too sweet thinking that I was being a good spiritual person. Only recently, I started to question whether I am being wise in this sweetness or not and I started to hold back, stopped volunteering to her or attending annual meetings and that made her mad at me.

Always when we're in a relationship, we should ask yourself: "Am I being treated by others in the same way I treat them?"

Make an invetory of you qualities and values and write them down:

Example:

I value friendship & friends.

A friend should be treated as a prince.

A friend should not be ignored, should have his fon returned, should keep his promises.

I do all these things or my friends, so I should not expect less than that from someone who wants to be my friends.

If this inventory fits your friend, then you may call them friends. If not, I would recommend you to sever this friendship.

My best to you sweetie and antoher (((hug)))!!!

July 8, 2007
11:45 am
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Rasputin
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So sorry for the triple post. OMG. My pc is so slow this morning!!!

July 8, 2007
4:23 pm
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courage to change
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Hi Fanta

Putting it bluntly - I could not cope with this behaviour at all from him. In the past I had the odd friend that was unreliable, and it made me feel de - valued. It made me feel SHIT inside.

My time is precious and valuable and the only people i want in my life are the ones who add to my serenity. It feels so good being around nice people. I would get rid of him out of your life, so you make space for someone new who values you as a special person.

However, I know that this is easier said than done.

All I know is you deserve to be treated special, cause you are. I ve seen it by the way you respond so warmly to others.

Good luck

xxxx

July 8, 2007
7:51 pm
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turnabout
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hey fantas. I've been struggling a little with this myself lately. I've had to decide recently that one particular friend whom I've considered very dear and trustworthy simply isn't dependable. She's included me in plans only to then fail filling me in on the details until it was too late for me to join, and I didn't feel wanted anyway after that. It was very discouraging. She says promises she'll call and then doesn't. It actually reminds me very much of another friendship I eventually had to end. And then my ex-boyfriend said all sorts of things regarding his feelings for me and his desire for friendship with me. Carried this on for 3 months after we broke up, but when it came to acting on his feelings or BEING a friend to me, he never came through. I eventually had to quit trying to believe he ever would.

In good friendships there is a sense of give and take, of mutual sharing. We're all seeking that. But the had fact is there are people for whom friendship means taking as much as possible while giving as little as they can. Actually, there are a lot of people like that. They put the entire burden of responsibility on you. Who needs that?

I haven't written off my friend, not even my ex-boyfriend, but I have backed off in order to accept what I've learned of them and to accept them JUST AS THEY ARE. I now know that I cannot depend upon them to follow through on their promises, so I no longer require commitments of them. I don't know what this will do to my relationships with them down the road. Maybe it will mean the eventual demise of any friendship with them, but I'm okay with that, because I want REAL friendships, and so far they can't offer that.

July 8, 2007
8:29 pm
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fantas
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Thank you all so much. I tell you this people pleasing codependency behavior is really handicapping. I agree, I am letting this person continue to treat me this way and I need to put a stop to it. What it comes down to is if I am feeling dishonoured I have to do something about it.

I did text him and say that if he needed to discuss or want me to participate in anything, he will have to set it up in advance with me. Otherwise, anything he just casually tells me I will act like it didn't happen. He seems to get that but who knows whether it's sinking in. Either way, I am taking care of myself and not spending my time waiting around for him. My time is as precious and I have important things to do too...

Thank you all. It really helps being able to bounce things off of you guys...

July 9, 2007
9:40 am
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risingfromtheashes
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fantas,

because I know that no relationship is "perfect", I have stopped expecting everyone to be "everything" to me.

In that, I accept that each of the people in my life is there for a purpose...and that they can only offer so much. Meaning, some people can't be a true "friend". But they can be "something" to you.

If this guy is unreliable, then don't make plans with him unless you have a backup plan or something...or if it's not a big thing that will be a let down. Or perhaps only call him for last minute things where he can say "yes or no" right then and there.

If the "relationship" is totally draining, then do get out. But if it's just lacking, sometimes we can work around that and accept what he isn't or is bringing to the table and enjoy it for what we DO get out of it.

I had a best friend...we could talk for hours...but when it came to getting together, it was always "you come to my home"....and we never went "out"...but mostly due to her physical and financial limitations.

So, I learned that when I needed her, I knew where to find her...and if I needed an activity partner, I could call another friend who was that kind of friend...and if I wanted a cup of tea in my home, I could call another friend that fit that need.

You see, not everyone can be everything...but if we have different friends who provide different things to us...we can have a large network to draw off of.

I will mention that I do have a best friend that is almost everything to me...I cherish her...I do my best to protect that friendship and nurture it as a priority over everyone else.

But for the others...we give and take what we can from eachother...and it is what it is.

It's up to you to decide if you can have this person in your life given what he does offer...if not, find someone else that is more satisfying to you.

hope this makes sense.

July 9, 2007
6:02 pm
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fantas
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Rising, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I think I do expect people to not have flaws when they are dealing with me. As hard as it's to do, I have to accept that this is the way this person is and take care of myself accordingly. I think on some level I am trying to control him and his behavior. Thank you... Your are so wise Rising!!

July 12, 2007
1:23 pm
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Oh you guys I just read this and I am sooo guilty of expecting too much from friends sometimes.

Just accepting who they are and letting go of all the expectations is really all you can do. Plus, look for your friends in other places??

I recently "let go" of a friend I've known and communicated with, mostly long-distance, for just forever! I found that I was really seeing her in a different light and I was seeing so much self-aggrandisement in her. I also felt sort of like she was indirectly criticising me. I was refraining from saying what I really thought. I was getting hurt by her off-handed opinions. I kept feeling insulted by the smallest things, and more and more defensive. I felt like I was building towards saying what I really saw, but I didn't want to be drawn into conflict.....then one day she called and talked a long time about her latest feelings. She began to "preach" some things AT me, and rather than argue, I said I just didn't want to "go there" right now.

She was hurt. She was upset. She emailed me and accused me of brushing her off and essentially saying I didn't want to HEAR what she had to say.....that she was sorry she'd shared her feelings with me, that she couldn't trust me if I treated her that way.....that she should have known better than to expect me to understand some of these things because I was not able or capable....and that SHE had ALWAYS BEEN A BETTER FRIEND to me than I was to her.

I didn't respond at all. I feel a little bad about it, because I never wanted to hurt her. But she'd just gone too far....it was just so bizarre......and it's been probably a year and a half. I was immensely relieved from the pressure I was feeling of all the "requirements" she seemed to be making for this friendship. We had been extremely close and helped each other through some very difficult times.

I did not let her go lightly. Somehow.......it had just reached the point where I was getting NOTHING out of the relationship. I had always loved her for so many reasons (and still do).

But I could not be ALL she needed in a friend. She needed the cup of tea and the wild time AND the total belief system from ME alone.

And I had begun to lose respect for her.

I think that a key element in my own co-dependent behavior is this misguided belief that MY SELFLESS BEHAVIOR is somehow going to be rewarded at some point and the reality is that each person will ultimately put themselves first.

I just don't think there IS such a thing as true altruism.

July 12, 2007
2:21 pm
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mean girl
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I HAVE FRIEND JUST LIKE YOU THAT REALLY ACT LIKE THEY DONT CARE. THERE IS ONE IN PARTICULAR THAT REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS. I USE TO SET HER STRAIGHT BUT KNOW I JUST LET THINGS GO A LITTLE BIT EASIER EVERYTIME. THE ONLY TIME IT REALLY UPSETS IS WHEN SHE EXPECTS CERTAIN THINGS FROM ME THAT SHE DOESNT DO IN RETURN. I HAVE LEARNED THAT YOU ARE YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH DIFFERENT THAT OTHER PERSON IS. YOU WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE. THEY MAY BE TIMES WHEN YALL DONT TALK FOR AWHILE AND THEN YOU WILL GET THAT RING OF THAT FRIEND, AND WHEN YOU DO THEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU OR THEY REALLY NEED YOU. ITS TOO HARD TOO TURN DOWN A FRIEND THAT BEEN AROUND FOR AWHILE. YOU WILL HAVE GOOD REWARDS IN THE IN FOR BEING THERE FOR THAT PERSON WHEN EVER YOU WANT. IT WILL SOON MAKE THEM REALIZE HOW BAD THEY HAVE TREATED YOU AND THEY WILL THANKYOU.

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