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people who are stuck in the past--could use some advice
March 3, 2007
11:40 am
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loverbee
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I have a friend who is sooooooo stuck in the past that they spend about fifty percent of their life feeling sorry for themselves and pitying themselves for the way the past played out. Does anyone have any good books to recommend about letting go of the past and how to not pity yourself so much.

March 3, 2007
11:43 am
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risingfromtheashes
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loverbee....I don't know what books to recommend really.

But I will say that some people are just stuck in "victim" mode....and think nothing is ever their fault.

They thrive on the attention people give them when people feel sorry for them.

They don't know how to move on and take responsibility for the choices that led to those issues...or how to learn from them and move on.

And honestly, I don't think they will receive your well meaning advice if you gave it.

The best thing to do is not feed the pity party and try to focus on present day, future and positive attitude.

March 3, 2007
11:54 am
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loverbee
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ok, well this particular friend is someone who has had a lot of trouble dating because hes very shy. Really nice guy and lots would be lucky to have him but he is obsessed with sex. He is a pretty good friend of mine and some of his friends wanted my advice. He is the type of person who feels SOOOOOO wronged because he went to an all boys school and didn't get a chance to date a lot of girls. He seems a bit obsessed with the idea of sleeping with lots of girls because he never got to do it in the past. I think its his obsession that is keeping him from dating but how do you help someone with that. I feel like since I am a psych major that I should be able to help but really sometimes I feel like I am at a loss.

March 3, 2007
12:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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it sounds like an esteem issue.

and he's looking to "blame" it on someone else, instead of his own self.

Cuz if you recognize it's your own responsibility for how you are, then it's your responsibility to FIX IT.

I was not allowed to date until I was 16, and even then, being in a small town, it was too late to join in something everyone was already doing all along.

Yeah, at first I blamed my parents.

And on some levels, it was their fault that my social skills sucked.

BUT - how many guys do you know that went to an all boys school and DID date????????? come on, there are plenty of opportunities.

The reality is, his shyness is probably what held him back...lack of esteem.

Now, he is an adult and it's HIS CHOICE.

I grew up and realize that while my parents didn't give me a great start in all this, it was my choice to make the next step.

And I couldn't bellyache about what my parents did anymore.

And self esteem is a huge thing to fix...and it starts with admitting it's a problem...which is hard, cuz you already feel like shit about yourself.

He needs someone to tell him bluntly - he may have gone to an all boys school, BUT he is not there NOW...and he can have plenty of opportunities to date, but it doesn't give him license to be careless with women.

I knew a guy who was obsessed about his lack of experience and felt that he had to make up for lost time.

I ended up walking away from that one, because no matter how much I explained that it's about quality over quantity, he still had it in his head that he was inferior cuz he hadn't had as many women as all the other guys his age.

Again, there is a social belief that men are pigs and allowed to have many women and the notches under their belt are a good sign.

And frankly, that's not really the case, is it?

Also, the guy I met was so obsessive about getting laid that it made him very unattractive...his insecurity shined thru and I wasn't going to be one of his conquests on his quest to better his esteem by laying many women.

March 3, 2007
12:10 pm
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loverbee
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I think it also stems from the fact that he just got out of a relationship with a girl who he was with for years and he was constantly doubting it because she was the only one he had ever been with. We have this other friend who treats women like they are conquests and he has probably slept with every woman I know and he always plays the song "inexperienced" when my other friend A is around. He is constantly belittling him because he has only been with that one woman and I just don't get guys. They are retarded and obsessed with spreading thier seed. Its rediculous. Before my friend A met his long term gf he had had an experience where the first girl he ever slept with laughed at him because he took a very long time to get ready. Literally laughed in his face and then left right after. I am wondering if this traumatizing experience has something to do with it.

March 3, 2007
2:54 pm
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Worried_Dad
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"He seems a bit obsessed with the idea of sleeping with lots of girls because he never got to do it in the past."

He sounds like a typical guy to me--if he is 18-30 years old, anyway.

Things he is missing:

1) His idea that guys who go to co-ed schools have lots of sex with lots of girls is false. Thats a myth.

2) Most women wont want to sleep with a guy who has a goal of sleeping with lots of women. That's because your typical woman wants to reserve sex for special relationships. It is a rare woman who will say "Oh you want to sleep with 100 women? I would be happy to be woman number 78!"

3) If he does not get around to working with his heart, and only focuses on the body-sex level, he will be missing 90% of what mature sexuality is about and what it can really do for us.

And he will end up to be a shitty person who hurts woman after woman, before ending up utterly miserable himself.

March 3, 2007
3:24 pm
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taj64
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I agree with Worried Dad. Since I have been dating off and on, a good 80% just want to get laid. You would not believe some of them are already taken too. And I was talking to someone at work and she told me of statistics that 75% percent of men have two women in their lives - that includes married men. Don't dismiss this fact at all. that is huge. Men have a wife but they also have another woman, maybe not physical but someone a little bit more than just a friend. I just met a guy myself, thought he seemed interested in me. Turns out he was just wanting to get laid. But luckily for me, I caught on quickly and since I am more aware of that most men even ones that want relationships, most want sex right away. Let's get real, women buy into right away. They sleep with them right away and automatically see beyond the sex and so many intially try to analyze and try to see beyond it, what they can do to see the potential. Most of them don't have it. It is not that I am being cynical at all, it is just the way it is these days. Yes the more you know, the more you aware, the less attractive these guys are. That is why women should not get get too physical too fast. You see it all the time. Then it is too late because the woman falls for the guy or wants more and the guy cannot give as much because he already got what he wanted. Sad but true. Let me know if I am wrong but this is what I am seeing these days in the world.

March 3, 2007
3:37 pm
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loverbee
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Well the funny thing about my friend is, he is a really great guy, and he wants to be able to sleep with tons of women and not give a crap about breaking thier heart and all that. Especially since one of his closest guy friends (who I am not sure is even that great of a friend) teases him all the time for his lack of experience and holds himself above...well everyone. And somehow this teasing makes my friend A insecure. but the wierd thing is that he is too nice. Every time he gets an opportunity to have casual sex, he becomes friends with the girl and ends up not wanting to ruin that. And he hates himself for this but this is one of the reasons that I think a lot of girls would like him. I know for a fact that he is still totally head over heels for his ex but just wants to make sure that the love is real and he has gotten sucked into the world of my shallow friends. I love them all don't get me wrong but I also recognize that a lot of em are really immature. I just think he needs to be ok with who he is. His friend is also always saying, "you are a good looking guy and you are filthy rich. what is the problem here? Why can't you get these girls to sleep with you?" Its wierd. I just think if T(his friend)would shut up, he may be a little bit less obsessed but it has become such a competition.

March 5, 2007
8:55 am
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risingfromtheashes
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yeah, insecurity plays a huge role here.

the guy I met was the same way...he wanted causual sex, BUT wanted a mental/emotional connection.

I tried to convince him that he had to choose...cuz guys with many notches in their belts did NOT have mental connections and it was just pure sex.

And this guy was getting caught in the same trap...he would date a girl, then get emotional with her, sleep with her...then be upset cuz he was with one girl and not getting the other women and the experience.

I told him he could get "experience" with one woman...quality over quantity kind of thing.

but he wanted NUMBERS...but didn't want casual careless sex.

I gave up on him...there was no reasoning with him...and I wasn't going to be one of his "experiments".

I think that perhaps he has to understand that this other so called FRIEND is no friend at all and the reason he makes jokes about your friend's lack of experience is his OWN insecurities and perhaps he's not as experienced as he claims and trying to cover up for it.

people who pick on others weaknesses are often covering up their own weaknesses.

March 5, 2007
11:45 am
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nappy
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casual careless sex + many womens=

AIDS

Why do you think that the numbers are so high. ((((SEX))))

It like the world think that they have discover something new about people having sex. It just that more and more are just doing that just having sex. They don't care who they is having sex with, they are just having it. If your friend feel that he have to have sex with every woman that he talk to, then that is what he is going to do.

He is going to have to know what is his weakness.

March 5, 2007
4:42 pm
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revelation
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He's making excuses! 80% of the population of my country went to same sex schools...we are not all now obsessed with sleeping around. It definitly sounds like he has some self-esteem issues....sounds like he's got a log way to go before he'll settle down with one woman too. There is a good book about postivie thinking and letting go cxalled "help yourself" by Dave Pelzer, but its not going to do the guy any good unless he really does want to help himself.

Rev.

March 5, 2007
6:53 pm
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truthBtold
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loverbee,

Your initial post: "People who ae stuck in the past."

To my mind - and also based upon my own experience - there has to be a clearly defined line which needs to be drawn in determining the vast difference between CAUSE and BLAME.

Not just a matter of symantics here.

CAUSE simply explains what happened and why. (Learn from it and deal with it - then let it go.) BLAME keeps you stuck on what happened and one will never be happy feeding the fire of blame over and over again.

Just my 2 cents.

March 6, 2007
4:23 pm
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loverbee
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I think that it doesn't matter who or what or how your past was caused or who is to blame. I mean if you have figured all that out and then you still can't move on then there was no point in figuring it out in the first place.

March 7, 2007
8:22 am
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risingfromtheashes
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that was my point....I didn't have the best childhood....but as an adult, and recognizing the root cause, I have the POWER to CHANGE it.

I don't have to stay "stuck"...and since I am aware of it...I can't "blame" anyone but myself if I stay "stuck" in the dysfunctional junk I grew up with.

As an adult, I have choices...and I can choose to live a miserable life and blame my folks...or I can choose to live life on my terms, and take responsibility for my choices.

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