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people like codep's
August 3, 2004
11:58 am
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balancesekr
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What if guys/gals like codependents because we take care of others, give up our lives for others? Maybe all people secretly want this? They don't want someone who takes care of themselves and doesn't need them? Any thoughts?

August 3, 2004
12:05 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that depends on healthy the other person is..

If the other person loves themselves unconditionally they are not going to want someone that is clingy and that doesn't know how to do things without them..

I think we all want to feel wanted and needed to an extent it is just how far we go and how much we are willing to give up in order to achieve this..

I really think it depends on the other person though.. And how they were raised as well.. I watched my mother go from man to man all my life and baby them but that is where she thought her self worth lied that is what she saw growing up.. So I grew up believing that if I had a man in my life to take care of that made me valuable until my awarness grew.. Now I have such an awsome support system and I continue to seek out a stronger awarness of taking care of myself and not losing myself the more I am able to let go of the concept that my self worth lies in sacraficing myself for anyone one else.. šŸ˜‰

August 3, 2004
12:23 pm
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kathygy
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First of all I don't think that needing someone and taking care of yourself are necessarily mutally exclusive. I'll just speak for myself. It depends on the type of needing. I would not be interested on someone who is needy and drops his life for me. I am interested in someone who takes care of himself so that its not put into my lap. And I respect a man more the more he takes car of himself. It allows for a healthier relationship based on genuine intimacy not neediness or caretaking. I am not interested in ever care taking a man again. And if a man wants that from me I say goodbye. Nor do I want a man to caretake me. I can take care of myself. Its not his job.

August 3, 2004
12:55 pm
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workinonit
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I think balance is the key but finding what your balance is may be different than me finding mine.

I personnaly enjoy doing things for others but what happens is they begin to expect it. Now, I have to try to back up and this is where it becomes difficult. I usually am able to recognize my codep actions now but sometimes the cycle is established before I see it. So, I keep doing it until I can't anymore and the anger and resentment comes in. This is my own darn fault!!! I wish I could see my triggers before it is too late.

Of course people like it. Look at all the taking care of people professions there are. Nurses, teachers, waitresses, etc. How could we live without people who pick up this slack? Maybe if we did though, everyone would finally just be responsible for themselves....my dream world!!

August 3, 2004
1:04 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

I've asked the same thing of myself and the therapist? What if people can sense I am codependent and just fall for the "idea" of who they think I am? I am learning though that we can still nurture others and be nurtured without sacrificing ourselves. By the same token, we are so much more than just codepedent...and I am sure those around us who care about us are able to see that. šŸ™‚

Just in reading and responding to the postings, I am seeing that we are all so much more complex and beautiful than the simple codependent behaviors we exhibit.

August 3, 2004
1:09 pm
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workinonit
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Right on babysteps!!

I've noticed in these threads such diverse talents and insights. We are a very special breed of human being. If only we accepted it more often. I think if we keep this up we just might have a chance.

August 3, 2004
4:00 pm
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eve
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The trouble whith codependents is, that it is soooo difficult to get to the real person. Its almost like there is this outer shell, which consists of being friendly, helpful, caring, saying all the right things. And then there is - - - nothing. At least it's not easy to spot! Sometimes the fist thing that I notice is the resentment and dammed up anger - then I run. Sometimes I spot a funny, clever, interesting person behind the smokescreen - then I can become friends.

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