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People Giving Me a Hard Time
September 15, 2005
11:23 pm
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linspurdu
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Why is it that everyone around me is calling my new found discovery that I'm a co-dependent a pile of crap? The book 'Codependent No More' has helped me to realize that I'm NOT crazy and there is an explanation as to why I am the way I am. Yet everyone rolls their eyes at me when I express my gratitude in finding out all of this new information. I even had one person tell me to go out and buy some book about how self-help books are really destructive and shouldn't be believed. It's like someone is letting the air out of my tires which were starting to inflate again. Has anyone else dealt with this and how should I react?

September 15, 2005
11:28 pm
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Randomwomen2
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there is a saying in my family that goes consider the source and leave it alone. Think how perfact they are and they arnt if the books are helping yop read them dont let them control you. People write the books for a reason and that is to help people. And i believe that if they can help one person then it was worth all the e3ffort they put into writing the book

September 15, 2005
11:32 pm
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Randomwomen2
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sorry about all the typos

September 16, 2005
12:00 am
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mamacinnamon
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I think that misery loves company. And/or they don't want to see you change. If you change then they may have to change a bit also. It makes folks uncomfortable. You keep healing and you stand tall and don't take any stuffins.

September 16, 2005
12:02 am
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Randomwomen2
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people dont want to belive what they dont understand.

September 16, 2005
12:07 am
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Shaney
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People usually don't buy into that stuff until it serves them or they're searching for answers themselves. Similairly, I've known two atheists who denied God their whole lives, but when they suffered through cancer and were on their death beds, God was the only one that they cried out for. You beleive it when you need it.

September 16, 2005
12:08 am
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Randomwomen2
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thats the ticket

September 16, 2005
12:38 am
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Lass
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I believe that some people are SAFE people to tell things to, such as in this forum.

Other people are not safe. Part of our lesson now, is learning to read signals and red flags about people.

September 16, 2005
3:33 am
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linspurdu
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Hi Lass-

Unfortunately, the people who I consider 'safe' are the ones who are giving me the most grief. I don't feel as if I have anyone to turn to. My ex, who my break up with put me in this state of self re-evaluation, gives me the MOST grief. I don't necessarily consider him a safe person to me but I find it interesting that he calls all my analyzing and reading crap as he has the same co-dependent issues as I do (but he's more of a narcissist). Wonder if he doesn't want to confront the problem like I'm trying to....

September 16, 2005
3:41 am
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depressionsucks78
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my sister has always said that i use my mental health issues as a scapegoat to avoid reality. it has actually caused many fights because i was VERY sick for many years, and she just thinks i'm lazy.

now i have a job, got promoted to a low-level management position after being there for 5 months, and love my job, (despite having a gun pulled on me), and she thinks i'm wonderful. but since the incident with the gun (it happened saturday the 10th), she has been virtually ignoring me, which is hard cuz i live with her and her family, and when i try to talk to her about everything, she changes the subject.

people in general fear what they do not understand.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BUTT!!!

part of my problem now is dealing with her.

September 16, 2005
3:42 am
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Neshema
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maybe because it is considered "pop psychology" and has not yet been recognized as a bonafide disorder. However, I think the book Codependent NO More has wonderful advice for almost all women in our culture anyway. Many of these issues are so ingrained in us whether we had bad childhoods or not. SO, I say use it and come here and get all the help you can. The people here are incredibly supportive and wonderful. I have learned so much here and from the books. If others don't get it, it is only their loss. I, myself, didn't get it until I actually bought the book and couldn't put it down...then I realized why my last two relationships were "weird," and all the things I might do better at work as well in terms of boundaries, etc. When you meet someone else who gets it, it will be a relief, which is a great reason for coming to this site! Then, you might not feel the need to discuss it so much with people you know in real life, but rather just practice what you are learning with them.

September 16, 2005
2:42 pm
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kathygy
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lins,

The best thing to do is not to talk to these people anymore about your personal growth. You already know how they will react. They may well feel very threatened by the possibility of changes in you. Realize that when people react like that, they lack self awareness. I personally would never put up with a boyfriend who did not support my recovery. If he put down my self help books that help me I would leave. I want a man that supports me in my growth. You will grow and yoru boyfriend will not. This will cause a big problem in your relationhsip. Your better off with a much healthier man.

September 16, 2005
3:29 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Lins,

I think what I noticed about people around me is Anger & Resentment even before I start this healing process. Many people do not like me, & are aggressive toward me, both actively and passively. I think coz they realize that I am smart, independent, strong, self-sufficient person. And these beautiful qualities scare people off, both men and women.

Also, the term Codependency is rarely used in psychological and psychiatric fields/terms unfortunately, I don't know why!?

In addition, in many cultures, even the most sophisticated culture like the north Americal culture - the idea that man should dominate woman is unluckily still prevalent in our society. So, any woman who reads or partonizes such books/literature is considered as very/too liberal.

I once heard woman recommending her daughter who was engaged : "Whatever your hubby tells you, say yes to him." Now this is crazy license to coda relationship. Like mother, like daugher. Evidently, the mom has codep marriage. Sadly, the daughter agreed and took her mom's poisonous advice, though I believe she could have made a wiser choice and opt for a more healthy lifestyle and break the vicious cycle of codep from her family of origin.

Another reason is coz Codep is scary road; road where we find ourselves lonely, unique, isolated, unpopular. It is the road less traveled and chosen.

I do not mention the word "Codep" in my circle. However, I inspire people to change, to not be happy about their substandard/mediocre life. If they listen, Hooray; if they do not - it is definitely their loss.

Happiness is a CHOICE!!!!

~Love, Ras~

September 16, 2005
4:32 pm
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Anonymous
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I also think that part of our codependent recovery is to stop PEOPLE PLEASING!!

you shared your ideas with them - they rejected them - so you stop sharing it with them. They don't have to like it or agree with it. It is your recovery - it is your therapy.

I think that sometimes if people can't see it, they can't grasp it. Like, if you were an alcoholic, then the recovery process would be all too obvious. If you were into drugs or abusive or being abused - they could see it - it is tangible.

But - when you tell them you are tired of being a people pleaser, and tired of taking people's crap - they worry - cuz they don't understand it themselves, nor do they want you to stop pleasing THEM!!!

so - as part of your recovery - find more supportive people to share with - either thru a coda meeting or online - and don't give a rat's ass what they think - cuz it's all about stopping the people pleasing and starting to focus on what we need - without other's derailing our progress.

September 16, 2005
6:39 pm
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Neshema
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Hey, I just love you people! I had to tell you that. THese responses are so awesome and empowering. I am so glad I found you all. What a special group this is. Thank you.

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